Almost there...

What's going on this weekend!? So I went to my winter bash and it was sooo much fun...but I have to rewind to earlier Friday like second period... So a couple of days ago JD said he needed to "speak" with azzam. He did. I have no idea to this day what was actually said. All I know is azzam was pissed the next day at me. He wouldn't talk or even look at me. I tried to ask him like what's up what's going on why acting all shady for? He was not trying to have it. We were in the media center at the time and I could just tell he was mad at the world. So after he cursed the librarian out and stomped out the room. There was no hiding he was actually mad at me. I just wasn't truthfully sure why yet. And all day I tried to be nice and help him out he would ignore me . So finally I gave up and I told him tomorrow when your over this fake being mad at the world don't come to me because I was here all day to talk if you needed me. I'm done with you now. Like step off. And of course the. VERY next day which was Friday he comes up to me in gym like can we talk. And my immediate answer was no. But he was very persistent. Ok so our gym has a divider a wall that slides across and cuts the gym in half and this marking period he is (thankfully) on the other side of the divider. But his persistent self didn't even care if he was marked absent for not being in his floor spot. He comes over to my side and continually bothers me into talking to him. Mind you all of this is happening and shadow is like a mere ten feet away from us, in perfect view. He cant hear us I don't think. Either way azzam goes into this whole rambling apology and how he has this I just don't care attitude and he's gonna change and blah blah blah. But I wasn't really trying to hear that. So I walk out of the gym he follows me so I had to pretend like I left to get a drink of water do it didn't look like I was avoiding him. Even though I was trying to avoid the conversation. He follows me back into the gym and he is too close for comfort as usual. Like I'm litterally backing up towards the divider and he is trying to walk closer. It's all awkward. Awkward time and place it's awkward cause shadow is right there. And well truthfully I was mid conversation with another friend ABOUT shadow when azzam came up to me and started appologizing. And this girl I'm talking to firstly more shadows friend than mine but we are still cool. I was telling her about my awkward shadow azzam JD stories and she asked if me and shadow still talk. I told her we don't. She chuckles a little and she goes "oh that's because he is afraid of you" Like mind=blown. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? Why would he be afraid. He is like 6foot 2 and I'm like a midget compared to him what is there to be afraid of? She goes on and my head definitely spinning. I'm trying to process the whole thing and then azzam comes up and distracts me. I'm pissed off that he is even trying to make up for yelling at me the day before. And I was definitely pissed off because my conversation was definitely getting to its peak and I needed to know why shadow was afraid of me. So eventually I get azzam to stop talking and I go back over to my friend. And she goes "oh yeah he's afraid of you because he thinks you hate him...you know boys." My head might as well have rolled off my shoulders. And be used for an elementary kid kickball game. Like WHATTTTT?! Why how where? Nooooo! And at that moment I wanted to either get up and run out or run to hi. And just tell him I dont hat him and all Im just upset and hurt by what he did. But not really as upset. But I didn't I stayed glued to my spot stammering to my friend how I didn't hate him and slightly going half insane through out the rest of the conversation. Because I said nothing to him. I'm hoping she did the awesome friend thing and was like "yo shadow she's not mad at you so stop being afraid of her!" but I feel like it wasn't that important for her so it wouldn't come up in conversation. So I on the spot change the subject to the formal. Of course she was going with a group of friends. I half wondered if shadow would be there. And then I realized dances aren't really his scene you know? He's "too cool" for that sort of thing. Lol. Anyway fast forward to after school I stay after to help set up the student center with Rinny, Ellie, and eve. We hung streamers and lights and set tables and a whole bunch of things. We stayed there pretty much until the last possible second and the. We all rants my house to get changed. And ready. So of course we end up arriving fashionably late. JD ends up having to wait at the school for like an hour. I was looking good though. I had this tight black cocktail dress and patterned black stockings silver heels and silver jewelry and I smelled sooooo good. Because I took FOREVER in the shower. So we arrive and we walk through the hanging stars (ahem that I helped set up). And we get to the room and it looks beautiful. All the lights were off besides the Christmas lights surrounding the room and the dj booth that was lighting up. The music was amazing and for a school dance I had sooo much more fun than I thought I would have. We danced and sung and ate and repeated that process like three times. No sign of shadow as I predicted. And all was right with the night. I got home took some pictures which got record High likes in Facebook and ripped of my heels peeled off my dress hoped in the shower stayed their for like an hour than layer down and practically fell asleep. I was in an abnormally happy mood partially because I had terpsys the next day partially because it was an awesome party and partially because of what my friend told me in gym. It was almost like she answered the question of the day it was exuberating honestly. Things were all of a sudden making sense. I felt like I was finally standing all the way straight and the world wasn't so tilted and I wasn't anxious. It sounds bad that I was happy that shadow is afraid of me but that not it at all. I'm happy to know its not simply because he doesnt want to talk to me or he hates me or is trying to cut me off. He's just afraid. And you think with all the time I spend pondering why that him simply being afraid. Would have been a thought that crossed me mind. It never did. Nothing even remotely close actually. It felt like I had my answer like I had a form of fake closure. Ok that's it for now folks lol so til next time... -Blog ya later!

Music d-_-b

Man I love some music and I don't know where this post is gonna go but let's type and find out. Well I like to say I listen to all kinds of music but honestly I'm just open to listening to listening to anything and going it a try at least.i hate when people say I listen to everything and you ask about an artist and they try to lie. Like no just stop you have no idea who Fiona apple or Alex Clare is. I like dubstep and hip hop and rap and pop and jazz r&b soul even some country songs to. I was listening to Helen segura the other day a french singer. And D-pryde I think that's how you spell it he is a korean Canadian rapper. Yeah he goes there. I listen to k-pop I like the wonder girls and miss A. I listen to classical music I especially like Beethoven and Bach and I especially like music from the baroque era.i miss the oldie songs James brown and Etta James, stevie wonder, Bel Biv Devoe, tony Toni tone, Musiq soulchild (not old but good, ginuwine,rkelly, pretty Ricky. I like Spanish music too Royce is the man. This other Spanish song I forgot the singer but it's called Rakata I will jam out to that song. A nana Nita. I can't say I listen to a lot of traditional Indian music I've heard it before though and the riffs are sick! I like Bollywood music though I even danced to Jai Ho at multiple public events since eight grade. Sometimes I will listen to songs with just instruments or beats. Those songs are fun to dance to. I like the weeknd I recently bought his whole album. And usher the old and the new usher I used to know all to words to every song on 8701. And climax is the jam I learned I was tone deaf trying to sing that song. OMG..... But the breaks on! EVERYONE STOP DROP AND ROLL. PUT EVERYTHING DOWN. Today is my winter formal!! I got my dress yesturday at the mall. It's like a nice tight black cocktail dress. Believe it or not all my guy friends helped my pick it out. I'm probably gonna curl my hair when I get home and put in my little flower clips in my hair. Make my lips look all nice and shiny. Throw on some mascara and use my Paris amour body scrub in the shower and the lotion and sparkly body gel so I can shine all night. Don't tell anyone this but I'm wear a very lacy thong shhhh... ;) only because I only have lacy thongs and I don't want an ugly panty line.im not a hoe I promise!! Lol Some nice light jewelry because it's only semi formal. My shoes are silver and have rhinestones they are only like two inches so I won't be too tall. I'm worried more about my hair though. I'm afraid my curls might not work out. Maybe I'll bump the ends. My nails are a nice soft purple color and I definitely have to paint my toes. I just untapped them this morning and the skin is growing back. I'm trying to decide whether I should wear black tights or skin toned tights. Or tights at all...well it is cold outside so maybe I should wear tights. But if I wear tights I might change my shoes. No eyeshadow! I don't want it it's only gonna sweat off if I dancing right. I'm upset valentine can't go yet. -_- like I need my partner in crime there with me! But JD will be there <3 I owe him like $35.00 and change for helping me out yesturday he saved the day yet again. Ugh I love him. I cannot wait for this formal and it's only first period . Like c'mon this day needs to hurry up. And I have gym next like I'm going to be all sweaty. Alright I gotta go people are trying to see what I'm typing I'll check in again later hopefully wish me luck! Cross your fingers all goes well. -blog ya later

Inhale, exhale

Ok you can do this.myou write paragraphs elaborate stories and poems about how you feel like everyday. Why is it so hard for me to just have a conversation about it. I'll keep something bottled up for so long until I finally just give in to insanity Ok let me back track a little bit and explain. And yes I am crying before anyone decides to ask. Well I'm frustrated because of these strange mini argument me and JD have. Like a silent war. We get all angry for like a minute then just shove the issue away and try to forget about it. And it's slowly building up to where I can't handle it on top of everything Else. So I think our first mini argument was awhile back about him joining the marines. I didn't exactly want him to because it's dangerous and they would ship him out all over the world but I also don't want to hold him back. And I wasn't the only one who felt that way about it. I pleaded my case and at the end he SWORE. TI me he wouldnt do it. He ended up going for training the next day because they wouldn't take no for an answer. I was hurt because he swore. Eventually he told them but they convinced him to stay and do him training and become something that I guess isnt in the field I'm not to clear on what the position is. Or what it actually means but I guess that's one issue. Another issue is azzam we both agree he has to back off. But I don't want him to do it because I know how stubborn azzam is and I know how much JD craves respect. And I know they are going to end up fighting. So I'm afraid at any moment that whole situation could just fall apart. Then there's my whole communication issue. Im at a loss when it comes to just saying whatever the issue is to a person. But on my blog I can write for days. And JD finally told me it made him upset and hurt. But he knows it's one of the issues that's a work in progress. This blog is how I communicate how I blow off steam. It keeps me sane. But he wants me to just talk to him. Which sounds easy and logical but I physically emotionally and mentally I'm just not able to. I keep things bottled up then blog it out. It's been that way for a long time. I don't tell people things because I don't know how I might word it wrong. I don't think they can help I feel like I'm complaining and I hate that and I hate being seen as weak as I am. I don't want to bother people with my issues because it could be way worse.and they seem like nothing to everyone else. I have a friend lets call him "dos" he is like my bestest guy friend of all time. Like I'll go to his house and play video games and chill but strictly as friends. We have sooo many insiders it's ridiculous. We just understand each other. Like that's my homie I can finish his sentences and sometimes it's like we are speaking another language there are so many insiders. People don't even understand what we are talking about. And it frustrates JD to witness it. I understand why it would but he shouldn't get jealous. He has nothing to worry about dos he is strictly seriously and really my friend. Then we were trying to have a conversation on the phone yesturday but I was slightly preoccupied with my favorite tv show the walking dead. I actually missed the mid season finale so I was watching the saved dvr version last night. It was awesome by the Way. And I was so into it that I'm like yelling at the tv while I'm I. The phone with him. Mind you I made it through the whole school day without anyone ruining or spoiling it. Which was extremely difficult because like practically the whole school watches. Like the walking dead is the only time I have to just relax for a second and enjoy something. I get up extra early take my bazillion showers go through a stressful day of school avoiding my stalker and dealing with shadow drama. Then I go dance during and after school everyday. Which is tiring to say the least I get home late and exhausted not to have to do homework and when I finally finish I'm battling another six showers eating because I don't eat lunch or breakfast and then texting and squeezing in whatever tv time I can get.so like the dumbass I am I try to kill to birds with one stone by watching the show while I was on the phone with him. Of course he was frustrated because I was so focused on the show. But he didn't even say anyof that. We held a normal or what I thought was a normal conversation during the commercial. And he decides to get even he would spoil the end. And the walking dead you could imagine it being like video games it's serious for me I'm really into it. So immediately I'm pissed. I finally get some down time to relax I defended against everyone trying to ruin it all day and just when I think I can relax and just watch the show he spoils it. At that point I don't want to even watch it anymore it was ruined. I just wanted to hang up and go to sleep...so I did. Today someone dared me to go to school tomorrow and speak with my British accent all day. So I never do that because I don't like the attention it brings me and I'd rather not deal with the can you say how do you say conversations. So I ask JD if I should do it and he says yeah but not around him. Because he doesn't like my accent. It's just putting on a show for other people and he would rather my "normal voice" I'm offended of course. Because it wasn't my idea in the first place so it's not like I want to put a show on for anyone. That's the opposite of what I'm trying to do. He wants to hear my normal voice but if he knew me he knows that is my normal voice. It's what I'm used to its how I speak at home that's my native tongue if you will. So the way he just without any regard to my reaction tells me he doesn't like my accent and it's only for the show for other people. Yeah I got pretty offended... You see it's dumb little arguments and they really do pile up and have an affect on me eventually. I try to pretend like they don't but I'm a stressed ou person and for me I really need him to be my rock no nonsense I need him to be strong for me because I'm weak even though I don't show it. Before we started dating I told him all of my flaws. I told him things I've never told anyone and things I haven't even written on here. I warned him about my communication issues and that I was damaged and his exact words I'll never forget "let me fix your heart" So I took a leap of faith because I really liked him and I figured he could handle all my flaws and issues. It's a lot to ask for I know but it's me. I'm not perfect and I'm not always happy I'm damaged and I'm not always nice I'll yell and scream and I have issues communicating well I have guy friends and girl friend who I talk to on a norm. I have a British accent that I can't do anything about... And it's all just me. I juggle way too much at one time. All my honors classes marching band concert band dance in school dance at lunch I don't even eat lunch anymore dance ensemble terpsys trying to do the school musical RENT trying out for teen idol. Auditioning a dance piece without my partner even being there. It's a lot. And I get stressed and try to hold it in and write it out and shower and write poems and dance it out. But it doesn't mean it's all better and it doesn't mean I communicate any better. And on top of having absolutely no time to myself which mean I have even less than that to spend with JD my mother to make things even more complicated and messed up doesn't like JD. At all. She just for what ever reason doesn't trust him. So he's not really able to come here and I can't really go out with him. And although me and him never talk about it we know when he graduates I'm not allowd to see him like ever again. Thats something only him me and my mother knows. And my mother and I argue about it soo often. We have gone weeks without speaking because of arguing over it. And I never tell anyone about those argument because it's just too much and I never write them on here. And sometimes it gets so bad it gets to a point where my mom will hit me and yell in my face and curse me out calling me dumb stupid and a bitch. It's a lot to carry on my shoulders.its a lot to juggle. So it all sums up to really make me the bad guy I'm the villain in the story. It's my fault I can't communicate my fault I do so much. My fault I have no time. My fault for azzam and letting it escalate to quickly. My fault he can't go to the marines my fault I get upset for little things because the big things are just over flowing. My fault I have bad history with my ex and I just haven't let it go. My fault we have to break up at the end of this year. It all ends up pointing back at me. If I were just easier to communicate with if I didn't take all honors classes if didn't join so many after school programs if I'd just been blunt and harsh to azzam and told him to hit the road. If I only weren't British. If I could simply be simple. And just let life happen as it will. Let everything just melt away. Stop caring so much. Stop being an empath. Stop getting offended and a cry so easily. Just stop everything and be there for JD and well everyone at the same time to help everyone including myself. And none of its really that serious but it's really taking a toll on me.i feel like I'm struggling to keep up with my own life. There's no time for anything or anyone and yet everyone needs something from me whether they ask or not and I'm involved in so many things that are obligations. There's no time for fun and games. Its all just too much and I'm tired. Plus all that on top of my health issues which of course I haven't told anyone. Having arthritis snycope vertigo. Having a concussion and forget things. My health issues seem to only be getting worse according to my neurologist. Last month he told me there was a possibility I could die from trauma or something to the brain I didn't really understand. I have anxiety issues and my immune system is ass. It's a lot...too much and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm sort of trapped in my personal hell. Like I dug a hole and buried myself in it. What am I doing? Ughhhh.... Alright I'm done my fingers hurt.. -Blog ya later

Making lists...

Making a random list just because: Today was my first time being at the nail salon since 8th grade I like people who are good with words I have no tonsils Or a gag reflex Still a virgin I write on this blog way to often I'm running out of ideas for this list I just got my hair done today Nails done hair done everything did I'm secretly a tom boy I love video games And anime Im British but I don't normally speak with my accent I don't like to much attention Which is why I don't speak with my accent I blush...a lot My wisdom teeth have come in and it hurts like hell I watch vampire diaries and pretty little liars And the walking dead There's a winter formal coming up. I don't have a dress yet. I love the winter. But hate the cold. I have empathy syndrome Thats when you are literally the living personification of other peoples emotions I speak French pretty well I'm learning sign language I have a love hate relationship with being surprised I have syncope virtigo and authritis I'm a sucker for romantic comedies Quote Romeo and Juliet and I'm all yours I'm afraid of heights My favorite color is purple I'm terrified of bugs. All bugs I like to sing...rather loudly and off key preferably in the shower I take a lot of showers I love to dance I write poems when I don't know what to say I don't like to show people my poems because they aren't good enough If you can hold a good conversation your are automatically on my awesome persons list My secret fantasy includes rain whip cream and a taxi...I'm so serious I take pride in being a very good kisser I get good grades I have an addiction to bath and body works products Yes that was a hint to buy me things from bath and body works I kind of want my first time to be in the shower...with lots of bath and body works I have no idea what I want to be or study in college I was thinking maybe lawyer physiologist communications or something else no idea I'm sadly an eagles fan I don't like people who smoking I don't like when people get extra jealous I want to take a random road trip with friends I have five of the same lipgloss They are all from bath and body works I kinda like corny pick up lines I think my boobs are too small Don't touch my ass unless your face is prepared to be attacked (in a VERY good way) I'm the happiest when I am fresh out of the shower especially if I've used my sugar scrub and my legs are all smooth I told you have an addiction to bath and body works My nails are purple...because my favorite color is purple I think penis is a funny word I cannot rap...I can barely rhyme. I went to a private kindergarten That's why I'm socially awkward at times My laugh sounds like a dying seal on crack I love candy...not I ADORE CANDY I should wrap up this list. Because you probably stopped reading If you are still reading your awesome I'm craving chocolate right now. I've secretly always wanted to lick the liberty bell just because I hope that doesn't make me a terrorist. I'm sorry government. No S.W.A.T team is needed here I can't wait to be old enough to go clubbing and drink and make mistakes I can one day tell to my little spawns I used to take karate I stopped and started taking Dim Mak...the art of pressure point fighting I saw spider man on broad way I love broadway I want to kiss out in the rain and snow like in the movies I know how to use chop sticks I like all things Asian I have a kimono I've never worn I've had 17 people tell me I look like a porn star I recently found out porn is free to watch I still haven't watched People a town over from me have a bet that's $150 to see who is going to take my virginity You can't break up with a girl through text, call, or on special days. I have two toes that are taped together and my pinky toe has a bandaid on it. My toes are all going to eventually fall off. I have very very VERY strange dreams And my nightmare normally don't make sense When my phone is on vibrate it tickles my thigh I think promise rings are cool I want to get colored contacts I read cosmopolitan magazines...for the naughty section I had a dream about being a porn star. I didn't actually see any of the films I made Im a determined person...don't mess with me My toothbrush vibrates. I leave it downstairs because it scares me I don't like when people buy me things Im learning how to cook new things This is the last bullet point I love you all! -blog ya later

just gonna start typing

well theres no one topic for this post im just gonna type whatever comes to mind. so in the last post i talked about how hard it would be to go to band because well...you know. i made it out alive. i just didnt want to be there, i felt kinda pissed off for no apparent reason. and at some points i just had to leave because i couldnt be there. i would leave and get water then i would feel better. we finished a little earlier than usual so there was time before the bell rung to let school out. my friend **** looks at me and he seems like he is examining me. he says im watching you then he asks if im ok. of course i say i am. he says no your not, and of course now im getting nervous because it means its getting obvious that somethings up... i try to reasure him im fine and i tell him i just have a headache. and starts laughing and he finally asks me if im high?! WHAT?! me high??? during school? your kidding right? he thought i was high because i was acting sort of strange i had a "headache" and my eyes were red. i could see why he would ask if i was high. but honestly i was getting a headache from all the loud noise i was acting weird because i didnt want to be there. and as for my eyes they were still red and puffy from the night before (i was crying). Either way the school bell finally rings and i head straight for the media center. i was typing up a petition. cause i rolls like that GET ON MY LEVEL! ok so the petition was for Valentine because his parents decided he couldnt do terpsys. of course i know how well he can dance and if your serious about dancing terpsys is where you want to be. so apparently on the first practice he went to his bike got stolen. this has absolutly nothing to do with terpss because no one in terpsys could have stolen it since we were all practicing... and because his mom wasnt fully aware that he was staying after for terpsys. she was told that he was going to stay after for dance practice...which is the same thing. and i watched him call his mother and im 200% sure he told her he had terpsys practice. then the whole Miley relationship issue was still unfolding. which also has nothing to do with terpsys besides the fact that she was there. but they werent even in the same room the boys and the girls were seperated. his parents say they dont want him to travel with the group. but the trip is completly optional. meaning he doesnt have to go if his parents arent comfortable with it. i had the director of terpsys speak to his mother on the phone and she described how we get community service hours and she gets our grades at the end of every marking period to make sure no one is failing. if so she speaks to them and their parents to see what the next step is. whether its getting a tutor or having to drop the program. thing is Valentine gets good grades so...yeah. the petition has over 60 signatures on it of people who support Valentine and want him to be able to do terpsys. and if thats all not enough i have the Principal of the entire school about to speak to his mother also. there is no other reason for him not to. the principal of the school wants him to, classmates want him to, the director of terpsys wants him too. like c'mon now. you cant say that wont atleast make you reconsider it. all these people are working together to change your mind there has got to be a reason...has she not seen her son dance?! its mesmerizing! how could you hold him back like that? ive done my part i think organizing all of the reasons she shoud let him. every reason she gave for him not to do it was proven invalid at this point there is no solid reason he cannot do terpsys, besides she just simply doesnt want him to.after she gets the call from the principal and sees the petition, how can you possibly say no. what else is there he can do to prove its worth it? what does she want a persuasive essay??he should show her some of the terpsys videos that are online! anywayssss... i actually got home from terpsys practice not to long ago. it was an awesome practice we went over some of the dances that are done every year. and learned a new one. its a salsa piece. you know cause we like to spice it up like that! my feets are on the verge of death though. the skin under my big toe is ripping off progressively so that spot is very tender and out of nowhere my pinky toe started bleeding so all my toes are wrapped up and mummyfied! by the end of the season im not going to have any toes left. ugh and now for the comments... people are asking what i would say to shadow if i absolutly had to talk to him. like there is no way of getting out of it. ive thought about this for a long time. how i would even approach the situation. i kept drawing a blank at "umm...can we talk...like umm...alone...or something...is that okay... i mean we dont have too...its totally up to you. yoou know we dont even have to. yeah its awkward right? yeah so im just im gonna go. ok sorry to bother you. alright bye." honestly thats what happened in my head when i tried to imagine it. then i really sat down and thought about it. id probably say: "can we talk alone." end up telling him about the whole azzam rumor. and of course stammer throughout the whole thing because im partial terrified to hear what he would have to say about it all. id tell him i dont hate him, and i hope he doesnt hate me. i might tell him about the whole wingwoman thing. but i would leave out no details id tell him truthfully my opinion of my "friend." after that i guess that would be it. but thinking about it. it seems unneccesary to bring any of this up in conversation. because id know he wouldnt really care to hear what i have to say. or he would stop me at can we talk alone and be like "uhh no go away." you see how this all would end up being one awkward situation. maybe it would be cleansing. and at least i would have attempted but i feel like it might bother me. or id get too tongue tied and i would make no sense. or the worst thing of all id tell him everything. like no bullshit. completly everything im thinking and everthing thats happened. and he wouldnt say anything at all. like ZIP NADA ZILCH! that would probably drive anyone insane though. what do you think is going to happen with valentine and Miley? well honestly i think Shan and Miley are going to break up soon. and i think Miley has feelings for Valentine that she is afraid to tell him about it. i think he would be happy about her finally likeing him. but he would turn her down because he wouldnt want to be her second choice or her rebound and overall it would be too late because he wanted her and she just lft him hanging for some other dude. What ever happened to mr.Wisdom? ohhh wow hes a summer boy. you know what i mean. the guy who wont hit you up until its summer and your the next girl he is trying to get with. naa bro. im gucci lol. he hits me up very randomly like once a month though. and its usually a short conversation. he will go like all of my photos on facebook but not say a peep to me. and his older brother actually comments on my pictures on instagram and likes them more than he does. its strange. he texted me once simply to tell me he missed my accent. i have a british accent... then he responded again saying me misses me....right thats cute. lol its too late now ive moved on from you. sure we can hang, but thats really all we would be doing. Have you ever been intimate with mr.wisdom?is he a good kisser? what with all these questions about wisdom huh? you guys have a crush on him now? lol well truthfully yes i have. nothing serious and it was years ago. he doesnt like the word no. my guess is becasue he doesnt get it often. im abstinent and so that means no tochey below the equator bub! we were close for that summer and we went to the mall but we mostly stayed inside and made out. for what felt like hours. BUT AGAIN IT WAS YEARSSSSS AGO!!! i dont have feelings for him. he lives all the way in new york anyways. so i only see him when i visit my god sister. but when i do see him its like we have freedom to do whatever. so (years ago) he wanted to literaslly take a shower with me. and you guys know how much i take showers. he really wanted to take this shower for whatever reason. we somehow magically flew while making out from the couch to the bathroom. i told him i wouldnt take a shower with him. but he was persistent. like he was fighting me as we are aking out to take my shirt off. nonetheless i stopped him. and he took his shower lonely. i know your all screaming at me like i should have but i didnt want to get that intimate with him. he was cute but beyond that there was nothing. and i was too young to go too far beyond that. again this was all years ago *cough JD cough* did you delete the messages from Shadow? yes i did eventually. it was harder than i thought it would be. how are you and JD doing? finally a good question. we are doing well. hes pissed because i have communication issues. and reading my blog makes him feel bad becasue i dont talk to him. mind you its a VERY big deal to be able to see my blog in the first place. its a huge deal. the only thing is i dont go back to reread my posts and i dont like bringing it up in conversation. it freaks me out. i actually hate it. i know it seems messed up but thats how i am, im sorry. the blog is how i communicate. he will message me paragraphs trying to help. but you just cant. leave it alone and wait for it to work itself out. your not helping your actually sort of pissing me off. i considered changing my URL and not giving it to anyone so i wont have to worry about JD blowing it out of proportion or guessing if Shadow still reads it and whomever else who i know personally telling my business. but that also means you guys wont be able to find it. and you all would get pissed. but i like this URL ive had it since maybe 5th or sixth grade. since i uzed t2 tlk liek dis. so ill have to grin and bare him reading it but if it goes on too much longer i might just change it. besides that whole thing we have more good days than bad days. but i normally censor myself on here simply because i know he is going to read this. eventually im going to need to go back to writing freely. even if its hard for him to read because this blog isnt here for him. its for me. thats partially the reason i wrote out the mr.wisdom story...or well the parts i wanted to share on here. because you guys asked so i answered. i love JD. i dont question it. sure sometimes we get into it. but it never lasts long and i know i can trust him. he has good intentions. alright well ill answer more questions tomorrow... ive got a party to go to.. heyyyy :) -Blog ya later

But in a strange way it makes sense...

So today this girl walks up to me in the hallway. Mind you I have no idea who she is or why she was telling me this or how she knew who I was.she walks up to Me and starts rambling on about shadow.ni just stood there and stared at her she seemed frustrated and I was like oh he got you to huh? But then she starts talking about azzam this boy in my class who is friends with shadow and I met them both around the same time. Now azzam has this crush on me and that's fine. It's been a three year long crush. But if I'm in a relationship of course I would like him to respect that and back off a bit. But he never does. He's always at my locker coming to my classes and trying to hang out showing up everywhere touching me a little too much hugging me a little to long and it makes me uncomfortable. Ok so this girl finishes by telling me that azzam guilt tripped shadow into breaking up with me. Because he liked me first and something about a bro code. Or some shit. And I'm just frozen in that spot for awhile. Processing it all. At first I conclude the girl is crazy and she's just spreading rumors. Maybe she just does like azzam and that's how she wanted to get back at him. Or something. But using me to do that was simply a horrible way to do that.then I started thinking why would a complete stranger go through the trouble of making up this elaborate lie? She's not hurting him she's hurting me. Why would anyone do that. So now I'm a little confused and I know if I simply ask azzam he would lie if it happened to be the truth because I would cut him off completely. I ended up asking anyway and of course he says no he had no problem with us dating but earlier he did say every time he tries to talk to me and become something more I throw a boyfriend in his face and block him off. Then I assess whether or not shadow would even do something like that. I think of course not you don't let go of someone you "love" because your friend says so right? But the girl did mention this "bro code" whatever that is. And technically azzam told me he liked me first or whatever and in the beginning shadow did back off becaus he was trying to help azza, be my boyfriend but I wasn't into azzam like that. I wasn't then and I'm not now. And if this turns out to all be true I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not gonna lie it hit me hard when I got home today. I was confused and broken it felt like someone had slapped me in the face...y stomach was clenching and I hate that girl for telling me. I waserfectly happy in my denial or well I hate that she lied to me. I put a lot of faith in humans today I just don't believe we are wicked and I'm totally shocked when they aren't as faithful or pure as I thought and I end up either the bad guy or the one that gets hurt. I'm slightly freaking out a bit and it's slightly because I know tomorrow I have to see shadow for band. And in my head I'll be contemplating how easy it would have been for him to give me up for a friend. For this bro code. Maybe he did it because he would have gotten tired of azzam's harassment or because after thinking it their he thought azzam was right. Or maybe he simply just didn't like me anymore. This completely changes things for me. And I'm not sure how much longer I can pretend to be ok. How much longer I can pretend I am sooo happy everyday. How long I'll go on fixing everyone else's problems hoping to somehow find solutions for my own. I want to be alone but I want to help everyone. I want to be as happy as I let everyone thinks I am. I thought if I went on smiling long enough everything bad would melt away and the smile might become real. My laugh is so empty and everything around me is just irrelevant. Sometimes I'm totally annoyed and I find I'm only sane when I'm helping other people find their own peace of mind. I'll actually have a bad day of I know be of my friends is hurting. Like today was just a terrible day for me because some crap went down with valentine and I felt like I was just a living personification of what he was thinking and feeling. And I felt dumb for feeling angry about drama that wasn't my own. Until this girl shows up out of the blue and hands me my own steaming plate of drama. I can't keep. Doing this can I? Where do I turn. I feel like no one can help because I don't want them to. Or becausei won't let them. No one knows this stuff. It's just me dealing on my own. I don't want anyone's pity. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. I know deep inside no one knows how to help. Not my parents or my friends or even JD. Especially not JD. U want to be strong for him because he has his own drama and he doesn't need mine. I want to pretend to be as happy as I can for him amd be the best I can be for him until we have no time left. And it hurts so much to even write that much less think it. What do I do now. Where do I turn. I sure as hell can't walk up to shadow now and play wing woman for my "friend" I wouldn't have been able to do it even if I tried. I'm simply not strong enough. Maybe I have to much pride or I'm just scared. There I said it. I, afraid not actually I'm terrified of what he could do or say. In my mind I know he has power to take whatever happiness I might epretend to have and snap it in two. I see this every time we pass each other in the hall and we don't recognize each others existence I feel it when I know if things were different we would probably still talk. And some of it is my fault. For being bitchy and posting things publicly to cope when I should have just written them here. But he read that too at the time. And he told me it hurt him. I was more upset with myself for hurting him than I was that he broke up with him. Twisted right? I have no tears left for this. I figure you only have but so many tears to cry before your all dried out. And I'm getting a headache from all of this. And I know I have to keep it together because I'm supposed to be the strong one everyone can come to. If I break down who knows what will happen to those I have helped. They might lose hope. I need to be strong and be there for them. For JD and tulip and Paul and Tom and Jim and valentine and Miley and the hack even azzam in a strange way. They need me to be same or at least seem that I am. But how long do I have before this is actual depression or until I snap. What happens when you snap. I'm so afraid to fall off that ledge into insanity. What will I do what will I say. What if I only make things worse for myself. Would I then be satisfied. When I get sad I have certain rituals. I take multiple showers strange yes I know. Sometimes I'll take six or seven showers a day. Maybe I'm trying to wash away the pain literally. The warm water just feels so calming and cleansing and it's the only time I have to just be alone and cry or sing or laugh if I need to. Im alone with my thoughts and I can take down my protective sheilds and break down and I don't have to be strong for anyone there. Then of course I'll blog. I'll try to type it all away. And I never reread my posts I try to ship the ideas to the back of my brain and forget them. I'm writing away my problems so I can feel like I've told someone. People I trust to. I trust all of my readers. You guys are brutally harsh sometimes and it's what I need. So bare with me if I get mad at you sometimes for asking questions I need to be asking myself. So I thank all of you. And then I may write a poem or two or three that I never post because I like to reread those then I go to the dance room and try to express the sadness through art. I was to leave a trail of tears behind with every step and turn. I think if I tell the story to the me in the mirror I can let it go forgive myself and move on. And so far today on the checklist I have done everything but dance it all out.ill do that when I get to school tomorrow. I'll play my flute and focus on that and I'll go to the dance room and I'll angry battle myself. I'll fight to be happy and pray that tomorrow this all would have been some horrible nightmare. I have no right to feel so upset or sad still do I? I've surpassed the depression time limit for breakups I'm sure. But I can't keep running from it especially when strangers I don't even know seem to like to torment me. I guess that's it for now. I'll check back in later on and let you know how same I am after dancing and going through an hour and a half struggling in the band room with my "nonexistent" ex. I love you guys :) -blog ya later

PAUSE!

Okok a break from my everyday drama let's talk about someone completely Different. We will call him mr.Valentine on here. Mr.Valentine is kind hearted a good friend funny sweet and he isn't hard to look at trust me (ladies you know what I mean) lol anywho, that being said he had this crush on this girl in my grade (he's one year younger). When valentine falls he falls hard though like head over heels you can tell. But he is very gentlemanly about it all. This girl in my grade is normally very to herself unless she's around friends and she's shy and blushy. They were talking for a couple of weeks and he let her know he was interested but she put him on ice. She claimed to be confused and not really sure about what she wanted. She tells him that eventually she will make up her mind and let him know. In the mean time they continued speaking. Here are the first issues I think valentine didn't give "Miley" enough of a chance to chase him back. Girls these days seem to like to be chased but to do some of the chasing as well they don't like for it to be to easy for them. They speak and some how or another she ends up coming to me and speaking to me about there whole situation as does mr. valentine. She told me they were talking and yes she did show signs of confusion but more like she didn't know exactly what she wanted or what she was looking for rather than if valentine was who she was looking for. Second issue she was in the priority position to quickly. When people are important to you it's hard to let them go or to be anything less than what you expected to be in their life. Ok so Miley eventually tells him how she feels after me giving her advice and telling her to just be open and honest with him. Rather than letting it drag out too far. She told him they should just be friends. She tells me many times that she very much wants to still be apart of his life and she can still hang out with him and go over his house and nothing should be awkward but honestly that's easier for her to say than for him to do. It's hard to act like your just friends with someone who you saw yourself becoming more with. So I text him help cheer him up a bit after he had been friend zoned and even suggest he speak to this other girl who he knows actually likes him. She has past relationship issues and health issues like me and it could all be very risky but there's no harm in simply talking and seeing where it leads. But then he is slammed yet again when he learns that she recently got into another relationship with someone else in his grade and didn't tell him. I believe Miley started dating this guy after she told valentine she wanted to be friends but he was hurt simply because she wasn't able to tell him the truth himself but that he had to hear it from a friend. She was planning to tell him but it was obviously too late. Of course valentine is very hurt but mostly disappointed. Sometimes his self esteem is lowered quickly and he likes to kick himself when he's down but he honestly was nothing to kick. He has no flaws worth the heart ache and stress. I could hear his pain on the phone the strain in his laugh I could feel the anger and confusion behind his words. I knew he was judging himself based on everyone around him. I know that valentine and Miley honestly need to speak if only one last time to straighten out this mess. Because up to now valentine has heard from Miley that she's actually in a relationship. And I know she has good intentions that were simply carried out the wrong way but it's up to her really t make it right. He needs a form of closure if he plans to move on and she needs to tell him the whole story and explain why or she's only going to continue to feel crappy and like the bad guy for not telling him earlier and avoiding this whole issue. He says he wants to just leave her alone and he even deleted her number which was actually for a sort of closure rather than out of spite. This way she has to contact him first and he can't easily run back to her. She has to come to him and she isn't used to that. Especially since this new guy apparently is a player that Miley is dating. I know him personally too I've known him for about a year. I don't know much about his dating life but he has been to my house before with friends just to hang after terpsys. Hes a good kid mixed up in some bad things. His intention isn't to hurt people but simply to get things how he wants them when he wants them. His relationships normally don't last long apparently. And I have heard this from more than one person and the worst thing that could happen now is he plays Miley and she gets hurt and starts wishing she had chosen valentine but it would be too late by then, he's on the road to moving on. I've spoke to her and him. She cried actually because she understands that she worded things wrong and everything's got messed up and she truly didn't mean to hurt anyone that's what she was trying to avoid the whole time by waiting. But on the other hand she did hurt him and he's basically waiting for her explanation in her own words I refuse to be the messenger because I'm not really involved. They need to really speak it over with each other and valentine needs his closure the old fashion way, communication. Other wise hey will no up like shadow and I. And I know that is truly the worst case scenario that they end up with unfinished business and can't speak to each other have he say she say drama but have too much pride to simply walk up to the other person and squash it right then and there. He could end up with a blog full or regrets and psychological dreams that bug him and he will never be able to truly move on because of the lack of closure and it will feel like she's everywhere right in his face unable to look at him. They will pretend to ignore each other existence but secretly stare when the other person is unaware. You see how twisted that all is? Honestly if I could prevent everyone in the whole world from going through this sort of drama I would but I can't speak for them that's up to them. I hope they choose wiser than I did. -blog ya later!

Weekend and being a wing woman

Firstly happy belated stuff your face and get fat day. And what nots. So it's been awhile since I've posted so let me update you guys. So thursday (thanksgiving) was my last marching band game of this year :( My dad came my cousins came I saw a few people from the rival school I knew and some friends were there. So this is the annual game it happens every year between my highschool and our rival highschool one town over. There's a big parade then the game. We went there really not expecting to win because honestly I think we have won like two games out of the whole season... Anywho we get the first touchdown and I'm like ok it was a mistake it's not gonna happen again. Then we got another one and I stood up and I'm like ohhhh we are actually trying to win this game today huh?! Lol so we play some songs in the stands and the other band does too. But it gets real when they steal one of our cadences we were shocked. Then we played it after them but way louder and waayy better. But then they played jump on it which is like one of our best songs and we got offended so we faced them and played a remixed version of let me clear my throat and jump on it. We totally demolished there band nonetheless. And our flag twirlers were much better too, but they had our cheerleaders beat. We ended up winning the game 26-20 and we managed to stay in the lead throughout the whole game. It was a great way to start my turkey day. So I drive up to my grandmas house after the game in Timbuktu and I stuff my face with ham Mac and cheese fried chicked BBQ chicken corn bread and a whole bunch of other stuff. So many family members came I didn't even know everyone! But later on I became the DJ and I'm playing all the old school music and everyone is jamming out to tony tone Toni and bel big Defoe and Eric benet and we are having a great time singing our hearts out (rather off key I might add) my dad swore he had better music than me so he stole the plug and we had a dj battle he tried to hit the family with Erika Badu but I took it and play micheal Jackson and some new school weekend songs then back to old school. I won. Lol after that I went to the room to lay down for a bit cause I was sooo full, I woke up two hours later everyone's gone and there is no more food.not was hilarious but I managed to get one of the last pieces of my grandmas famous cheesecake. Delicious! I spent the weekend down at my grandmas wi my younger cousin and on black Friday we went to two different malls. I got her addicted to this bath and body works scrub that smells sooooo good! And I got her hooked on my new favorite YouTube guru who's name is swoozie! I absolutely LOVE swoozie! Like I'm going to marry him and have his little swoozettes and we will live happily ever after playing DOA and cuddling and bumming it while watching anime! Life will be good! Lol Jk. Anyways I ended up somehow going into the city and playing games and Dave and buster for like three hours straight with my cousin and a friend. We got sooooo many tickets and we barely got any prizes they were all so expensive! But I got a ton of candy and I was happy as a lamb. I get back home Sunday and watch the funniest movie ever made in the history of ever! It's called IM GONNA GIT YOU SUCKA! I cracked up watching this movie it was made in like 1988 and it's still the best comedy out there. You better go watch it if you haven't seen it. And when you get to the part with the pimp in the yellow suit, sumbraro, and aquarium platform shoes with live fish in them, pause the movie and take a moment to realize you have just earned 10 black people points. Congratulations! Afte that I procrastinated did some homework and cuddled down and watched the walking dead with hot chocolatay. It was an awesome episode by the way. Then I just ended up falling asleep and that when it got weird. So recently I have been having these very strange dreams that happen like every night. They aren't nightmares it is just the same dream over and over again. I always start off in school. And I go to my locker because that's what I usually do when I get to school, only to find that I am already at my locker. I am watching myself go to my locker and get my stuff. I try to talk to myself and whoever comes by but it's like they cannot hear me. But they can hear the other me who was at my locker. It's strange because I have no control of what other me says or does. I am able to roam freely throughout the school and I can see and hear everyone but it's like I am a ghost they can walk right through me. Other me goes right up to my ex and starts arguing with him. Which I guess isn't to weird since its a dream but then they are speaking and arguing in French. Like fluent French? I'm confused because even I cant understand what they are even arguing about. Other me steps toward him and I thought she was gonna hit him or he was going to hit her. And all of a sudden they are making out? What is going on?! Of course now ghosty me starts yelling at other me to stop what I'm doing. I'm furious...with myself. And they aren't just kissing they are full blown movie make out scene from a crappy romantic comedy movie making out. And I just watch myself do this. I can't do anything about it. Then other me turns towards me and says just because you lost him does not mean that I did. I didn't cry I just got really confused. I tell her but you are me. And if we are the same person then neither of us can have him. She smiles a rather evil smile and She says she can do and have whomever and whatever she likes. And everything goes her way. She tells me she knows that I want to be her. Of course I get angry...with myself and I raise my hand to slap her but it goes right through my face. And suddenly she laughs. Then shadow He looks directly at me but says nothing. I am not sure if he can see or hear me. Other me whispers something to shadow that I can't make out and he smiles very big and almost like he has a secret and suddenly she disappears? And again he is looking right at me. He asks me if he can walk me to class but I look behind me wondering who he is talking to. He practically snatches my hand and drags me to a secluded area. I'm confused and angry amd nervous. And I desperately want to wake up... But before he can say or do anything I stop him and tell him I have to get to class and practically run away leaving him alone. He looks confused when I look back but I just keep running. At the end of the school day he comes to my locker and I start explaining to him everything about our break up and how we don't talk...like ever, and I think he hates me but I'm not sure, my best friend is in love with him on some creppy stalker type status. And he says absolutely nothing. He opens his mouth to say something but closes it quickly he just quickly moves past me to walk away but I catch a glimpse of his face as he does and it almost looks like he is crying. And now I'm completely lost and confused and I feel bad wondering if I said something wrong or I hurt him.mi just didn't know I tried to call after him but he didn't even turn around. I go to run after him but just as I catch up to him I wake up in my bed out of breath... It was the weirdest dream and ive had it like three times. I wasn't angry or even upset at all when I woke up. I actually wanted to go back to sleep to continue the dream and find out what happened and get some answers. My subconscious is obviously trying to tell me something... I just don't get the picture. So I go to school today as usual and I half expect to see another me at my locker but it's reality and no one is there but JD. I was soooo happy to see him it felt like forever since I had seen him. I gave him the biggest hug I have ever given in my entire life and kissed him like it was going to be the last one. I was fine and everything was good. Until band, things got sort of weird at band. So I forgot to bring my uniform to turn it in. But that didn't matter the Escher gave us a free period because we did so well at The last game. So of course everyone is joking and laughing and being funny and having a good time. The drummers isolate themselves to the back room and I thought that was just it. When I get a text from. Friend saying to call this number. I call it and is like a rejection hotline number or something and I laughed and laughed so hard I showed it too my friend Rinny and she cracked up too. But this is all in plain view of the drummers so it felt strange. Later in the class I actually end up bumping right into shadow and because I didn't realize it was him I squeaked because it frightened me. It was sort of embarrassing but he had no reaction besides surprise because we didnt see each other. I half expected him to say something like whoa sorry about that or didn't see out there or even something out of my dream, which totally would have freaked me out. But I had this weird feeling like he had the dream to... No idea why and I know in my head that there is no logical reason why he would have even had that dream. Anyway so after school JD walks me to my locker and I kiss him goodbye and just as I do shadow walks past and I just feel this awkward sensation creeping up in my stomach. Like he was probably thinking I kissed JD on purpose because he was there, but I hadn't even seen him to he passed us. And it got weird. So then my stalker I mean Emmett a friend since freshman year who is in love with me showed up at my locker. As usual he's everywhere he will show up at my classes and he knows when I go to my locker and he always some how just seems to find me. We have a quick conversation about terpsys and his track season starting before I realize my mom is probably waiting for me. Emmett walks me out of school and I assumed he would stay there but he ended up walking me to the car, but before anyof that when we walked down the steps I had the feeling like someone was just staing right at me and I look down and it's shadow. He wasn't creepy staring but he was definitely looking, and I have no clue why. We haven't spoken or looked at each other in months and it's awkward when we are in the same place. I doubt he knew that I saw him and I could have been wrong and maybe he was just looking in my general direction but then I only wondered more if he had that same dream. Ok so walking towards my car another guy from my grade walks up and he says hello and he and emmett exchange sups. And they end up both walking me to the car to say hello to my mother. They introduce themselves and shake her hand. And Emmett gave me a hug and then we drove away. I'm not gonna lie I felt pretty special with two escorts to my car. Anyway so right now I'm at the hair salon typing this right. And a few minutes ago I got the text from the friend who I was telling you about before. I posted pictures of her conversation she sent to me that she had with shadow, about him hating me. And she's just saying hello at first which is strange because she said she was mad at me because I was basically telling her not to do anything stupid towards shadow because of her own issues she has with me. She likes to make drama for me. And her best way to do that is to constantly bug and harass me about my ex always asking questions about us. Like its over between us and I have learned to accept and cope with it through my blogging. She's not so secretly in love with him which is odd because I dont think to this day they have met in person. She explains to me if I want her to stop being mad at me and quit bugging me about if I have feelings for him that I have to put in a good word for her...WITH HIM! What kind of friend does that? I mean I want her to drop this silly argument and quit harassing me but she knows we aren't on speaking grounds so why would she want me to talk to him and put in a good word for her. She wanted me to be her wing woman so she could talk o my ex?! Really? Lol she's childish sometimes. But she's my friend. So I told her i would try. I'm not sure how to even be a wing woman or how I would even approach my ex after all this time. I don't even think I have his number so I can't even like avoid awkward conversation in person. I wouldn't know what to say because I'm not really sure how to handle the situation or how to talk to him about something so randomly as some other female. He could totally curve me and be like no I don't want to talk of I asked. And that I think would be the worse ca scenario. Plus I have no clue how JD would feel about it. And if I do it will shadow feel as awkward as I'm making it's all sound. Like wow you can't talk to me or even look at me for anything else but you want me to give it a shot with one of your best friends?! Whattt? He could be pissed. Or not care at all how do you even respond to something like that. Uhhh it's all so frustrating honestly. Because if I'm going to confront him about something or speak to him at all I'd rather it not be about some other female and I'd prefer it if it wasn't forced. I feel like it would be an excuse to talk to him, like there's no real point. And he would only go home and bad mouth me to his siblings and his friends, who in turn would only lose some level of respect for me but never really tell me that just be standoffish toward me. I know I'm over thinking it way to much and I should stop being a punk beause this is my "friend" I'm talking about but my mind is telling me that I have to do this the right way or I'll be the one who ends up getting hurt or feel awkward when it's all said and done. I've got this big decision to make and I told my friend I would but deep down I think I'm actually afraid in some way to do it. I might just chicken out. And lie to my friend because how would she know if I did or not right? She should understand if I don't want to right? Or at least respect that I don't want to... I dunno what do you guys think I should do and what do you think will happen? I need your advice now! HELP MEEE! Lol alright time to go my dryer just clicked off. -Blog ya later :)

Oh the irony kills...

So much has happened since my last post. Umm... Well I rode home in a cop car, one of my guy friends was being very disrespectful, I've been to the mall like seven times, I have had this bad cold for like a week, and finally the irony of today.
Alright lets start with the cop ride home. So I stayed after school for a club and I was supposed to catch a cab home but things got complicated. I called them and they were like the next cab will come in an hour. And I can't wait outside in the cold for an hour so I decide to walk. I make it like halfway and I'm pooped. The walk is excruciating with my two ton back pack my gym bag and my flute. I happen to be right by a cop and I out of the blue just decide to ask if he can give me a ride home. And he said YES! I was so shocked but mostly thankful. It was so much better than walking. His name is officer Levano. Besides the whole claustrophobic incident in the backseat I was fine. I started silently freaking out when I realized you can't open the back door from the inside.
Ok now onto the guy. He was just being very disrespectful of my relationship andi didn't appreciate it. I've known him since freshman year and he is a friend of mine. But I sort of keep him at arms length because he makes me uncomfortable. He admitted he likes me. Which is cool but I'm happy in my relationship so what did you expect me to do. He tells me every time he tries to make a move I throw a boyfriend in his face. Well obviously they are who I must like. And he is just being rude every time. He comes to my locker everyday without fail, and he will ask me what I'm doing for the weekend in front of my boyfriend and ask me when I'm going to his house. I've been there before and I've met his family and they are cool but it was as his friend and nothing more I just want him to be my friend. He then texts me that he thinks I should break up with my boyfriend and start dating him. And well let's just say it got awkward after that I don't really want to have him to close he makes me feel uncomfortable and awkward and I feel like he is trynna sabotage my relationship. He looks at me as if I am some possession and I can't stand it. He is nervous and odd around me like he is trying to peak at me so I won't notice. His hugs are too long too close and too awkward. I feel like one day he will slip up and move his hand to the wrong place and I'll have to remind him how much I love my boyfriend.
I've been to the mall like a billion times with my best guy friend. Not the creepy one. And it's just soo funny. We are always joking and laughing and having fun. We have too many insiders to count really. Everything with him is just chill and I can be myself without pressure of anything we aren't in a relationship so he doesn't expect anything from me. He isn't clingy and we can just chill without it being awkward. I can drag him into the girly stores or go with him into game stop. And it's fine. And today I went to dunkin doughnuts with him my boyfriend and my girl bubbles. And of course me and jay is what I will call him are laughing and joking and I could tell it was annoying my friends. Because they weren't apart of it. I think my boyfriend actually got jealous too. Which he shouldn't because he knows me and jay are just friends and I'm faithful to him. But I've known may longer than him and he has to also respect that I have my guy friends just like he has his girlfriends and I need him not to be all angry just because I hang out with them. I felt like today at dunkin doughnuts he was fighting for attention the whole time and he was constantly bringing up the fact of the vast amount of insiders and saying he feels left out. It got on my nerves a little bit. Because then he got sort of clingy afterwards. He knows in the cold my joints start to hurt and freeze up on me because I have arthritis. And there he is trying to snatch my hand and all this stuff. I wasn't super upset but slightly annoyed is all. We went to jays house afterward to play video games and just have fun and he chilled out which was cool. But after we both got home he messages me saying he misses me so much already and why can't we just live together, and I won't lie it freaked me out. He knows that stuff messes with my head and I have my own issues that I'm working on but he isn't really helping. He goes on to say when we turn 25 we should get a condo together and whatever. And I'm just like oh. Because I didn't know really what to say. He knows that after this year I can't see him anymore because he will be in college. And there is absolutely nothing I can't do about that. I've argued enough as it is about him with my mother. It's honestly stressing me out. Everything I do with him my mom gets an attitude and it's exhausting really arguing with her everyday and fighting to just stay in my relationship now. It's almost impossible to get a peaceful night. Anywaysss... Today the most ironic thing happens. While walking to jays house I run into my exes older brother and his friend (who is a girl and I also know her). Honestly me and him still talk there is nothing awkward between us so don't over think this. It was ironic because my boyfriend was there and as I speak to shadows brother I could see my boyfriend slowly piecing together that he is my exes brother. We end up talking about my ex right there infrint of my boyfriend. I was like your brother is soo pissed off at me and he says it's only because his friends blow up everything and honestly make it all difficult for him. In my head I'm like well that's just messed up. And his brother tells me he thinks shadow is dumb for breaking up with me. I'm not going to lie it made me feel pretty good hearing him say it. He went on about how good I was to him and it just put the cherry on top of my day. We joked around for a bit and talked more about shadow before I felt like it was possibly getting awkward having my boyfriend standing there hearing the conversation. And plus he had to go get home to his brothers. JD (my boyfriend) ends up telling me it was only slightly awkward but not really since he had nothing to do with it. But it was strange when he realized I was talking to my exes brother like we were best friends. He told me he has no beef with my ex and he doesnt care too which I think is very big of him and I appreciate it a lot. It's almost like when I was dating shadow and I said the same thing to him about his ex. Ironic huh? Well he went on to say even if my ex said hi to him he would say hey and be friendly or whatever. Which I thought might be strange for me to see but then I realized that shadow hates me and my boyfriend so I will thankfully never have to deal with that sort of issue of my ex and boyfriend being all buddy buddy. And I think that is pretty much it. Improbably left out a couple of other things that happened recently but I can't remember if there was anything thing else that was blog worthy. So I guess this is it for my rant of today lol so til next time. -Blog ya later (:

The epiphany...

Your all telling me I'm not being truthful with myself and with all of you about my feelings. So heres the truth: Sometimes I'm happy so happy it's scary for no reason at all Sometimes I'm sad so sad and angry and hurt because of whatever's going on that day. As for shadow and yes I gave him his nickname back not really sure just why yet but there it is. Anyway as for him I was completely going through shit. So much shit that I blocked it all out. I think I'd want to call it selective amnesia. Or selective denial.i wanted to be upset with him but he didn't give me enough of a reason to be. He never cheated he treated me right he WAS a good boyfriend. So when we broke up I couldn't be like I can't believe he did that too me so I would dwell on whatever he did that was bad like yelling or bad mouthing me to my friend. I never gave him any slack.i didn't want to forgive him and I knew for whatever reason I knew I wanted to be his friend but it might have been too early at the time to pretend like I was ok with it all. Strangest thing is when we broke up I almost wanted to be the friend he ran to and I'd be all supportive and tell him whatever it was he needs to hear. Everyone I mean teachers parents friends told me you need to go talk to him and I'm sad that I never swallowed whatever ego and pride I had left and just did it.but I respect my own desicion because I wasn't strong enough for his side of the story at the time. That whole section of my life just was labeled awkward. It was awkward to see him awkward to talk to his friends just awkward. The other day of course I find a voicemail on my phone from him. And it took me a nanosecond to realize it was his voice. The voicemail is from soooooo long ago but silly me I never check them. It's obviously from early in our relationship of you can even call it a relationship because he sounds pretty nervous. He's basically saying he remembered my cell number but forgot my house number so it's not his fault I didn't pick up and he would tell me to check it in the morning as proof he did call to say goodnight and he loves me. I was with my family during the storm with no power when I decided to check my messages. You could tell I was bored because I never check my voicemail. Anyways just imagine my face listening to this message from him. From a time when we spoke and we were nice to each other from a time where he loved me and I loved him. My jaw was practically on the floor my eyes glued open. I could not believe after all this time something like that wuld be on my phone. Then I tried to play it cool so my cousins didn't notice I was having an emotional breakdown. At first I sort of shrugged it off like ehh I don't care it's old it's in the past erase it and listen to the rest of the messages until he said I love you goodnight. I was pretty shaken. I didn't cry though it just see,Ed like such a foreign idea. It was like you love me? Is that possible? But why? No tears fell so I'm still good. I tried to erase it but I ended up leaving it. Why I'm not sure and no I'm not just gonna like wank off to his voice or something cause that would be creepy lmao. I dunno I just didn't erase it yet. I'll do that eventually. I just felt it ironic that I hadn't thought there could be anything left around me to remind me of him. And then there's this voicemail from him. I thought I had erased all the pictures given back all the presents and whatever was left went into the caution box. If you don't know what a caution box is its a shoe box I found and I wrapped it with police caution tale filled it with things that give me bad feels and shoved it under my bed. It exists because every boyfriend I get feels the need to buy me cute little this. But I know if we break up having it by me makes me remember or feel sad about it being there. Because if it's jewelry I won't wear it. If its a love letter I can't read it again if its a stuffed animal I can't leave it on my bed. So that's where  it all goes. I'm not sure how that voicemail is gonna get in that box but I'll figure it out lmao. BUT GET THIS! After shadows message was a message from his brother, the younger one. He's just being silly and he says " hello umm is this the ****** ****** residence if it is then SEVEN DAYS! And if you didn't hear me I said seven days...like from the movie the ring, and if you don't get what I mean I'm saying your gonna die in seven days." and that's it. I was cracking up for a half hour over the message because it was soo random and funny after something like shadows message. Of course I had other messages that were equally funny but this one was just the best of the bunch along with one from my older cousin who must have been drunk because he is slurring his words and saying happy birthday and saying he misses me and giving me his number and crap...funny stuffs.
So to all of you telling me that I'm over exaggerating when I say I can't escape my past. Fuck you all! It's freaaking everywhere. I want to cry and throw myself into a depression void and eat ice cream til I gain 50 pounds and watch sappy romantic comedies. But I'm not depressed enough for that maybe a little nostalgic and very curious. But I have to put on a brave face for my boyfriend because I don't like speaking with him about my past. It's just awkward. I feel like its not really his problem. And I know I have issues with telling people what I'm really feeling and exposing my self in words but that's JUST ME! I know I got into the relationship too soon after the break up. And maybe I wasn't ready but JD really was the only person who could make me smile and laugh  and he liked me. I'm not sure if my intention was to date him at first or for him to be a really good friend. I told him when he asked me out the problems we would have. Some he didnt really know about. I told him when he graduates we cannot date anymore I can't go to prom with him because then I would go to a total of three proms . And my parents weren't ok with it last time.and I was emotionally damaged not just from shadow but other relationships and me being sick and family members being sick. I try to let the other person really know what they are getting themselves into. I tell them my phobias which include being picked up, feet, and sharing my feelings. Sometimes I show them my blog usually I don't though I like to remain private. jD convinced me everything idle be ok and he could save my heart and he sent me pictures of him praying in church we could be together and I really liked him I wanted to date him. Because I needed his happiness and good vibes around me I thought he was incredibly cute but didn't know it and I was excited to have a boyfriend who didn't have self esteem issues or family issues or daddy issues or clingy issues but someone who I didn't need to fix and be strong for all the time. I needed someone who could be my rock. Little did I know at the time he did have these issues and they showed themselves in time. I struggled to help him but it felt wrong or weird because I know helping others normally hurts me in the end...I was afraid that whenever I was down he just wouldn't understand or know how to help and I wouldn't be able to talk to him about it. The way to help is not for me to talk about it I've learned for me it makes me feel crappy but to take my mind completely off of the topic and to get me laughing and happy. I am so happy I am dating JD and I'm more happy that he and shadow have no connection whatsoever. Because that would be awkward. I love him and I'm glad we have struggled through all this time and I know he loves me too. But in the back of my head I'm always thinking my mom doesn't like him and dad doesn't know about him and doesn't want to know and in a couple of months we won't be together and I'll be on my own. I worry about how that will effect me. I wonder how things will be in school. To be alone. I like being alone actually, I prefer being single but people don't bother to hang around if you don't want something "more" with them. Males particularly males just don't know how to be your friend and only your friend in the generation. They get bored of you and eventually fade away and stop trying. but being an only child I work better alone I don't like to get into drama and fusses or get to used to something because it's too easy to break me sometimes. And because. Don't communicate we'll people can't really help me. People ask If I love JD or he was just a rebound. I love JD and I'm sure of it. I understand we started dating way too early and it's probably why I'm so messed up now in terms of closure. But he is not a rebound. People ask if I have gotten bored of him, and I doubt that could ever happen. But I'm less inclined to deal with things. If he is extra clingy one day it drives me away because it scares me. Of he has and issues at home I can normally help him but if it's a self esteem problem and he is just down in the dumps I almost feel as if I can't help him because he doesn't wanna be helped he just wants to be depressed for the moment. Or if I don't see him for too long. When I do see him it feels strange. I don't know why he would bother with me honestly. I have nothing to offer. Im not sexually active I don't play video games I'm always busy  I don't communicate well and I think I'm pretty stubborn. Maybe I'm stuck up? Or prissy? I take a minimum four showers a day and I eat properly as British people do I'm a neat freak and some days I'm just not in the mood. I just want to go to school dance come home eat homework and sleep. It's hard to describe the feeling. I just want everything to be straight forward like there's no time to stop and breathe and talk and do normal things I just have to be on the move. And catch me if you can. jD is jealous too very jealous. To me if your jealous I kinda see it as you don't trust me. If you trust me it shouldn't matter who I talk to you don't need to know where I am every second of everyday. Sometimes I need time to just be with my friends. And yes some of my friends are guys. And they have been ,y friend longer than I have even known you. You I have friend duties I have to tend to! I don't want to neglect them. People flirt with me all the time but it's because it's in their nature I'm not some beautiful goddess or model kind of girl that has every guy looking at me. But when people flirt I am kind I'm response I'll normally tell them if it makes me uncomfortable or if it's inappropriate. Because theres a huge difference between you looked nice today Lexi and you looked so hot today Lexi damn that ass girl! When you gonna let me hit?! You see you gotta know what's appropriate and what isn't. My guy friends keep me sane honestly. They have zero drama and they just want to have fun honestly. Females are different we are emotionally majestic creatures we deal with so much and sometimes we don't know how to balance it all... We just snap sometimes. And we turn to our friends usually for help before a parent or a boyfriend.be patient with us boys. We will come around trust me. We arent all crabby and gold diggers and hoes and all of these things but a lot of us have our own issues and if you want us bad enough you gotta figure out what your role in our life will be and how to be what we need and we will do the same for you...hopefully cause I know some girls are really just trifling! Lol Anyways I'm way off topic so just to wrap up. I appologize to firstly myself for my issues secondly to my boyfriend because I can be a handful sometimes thirdly to my friends because I may be distant at times and lastly to shadow because he didnt deserve my bad vibes we should still be friends dating or not. It shouldn't be this awkward and neither one of us should hate each other. I'm sorry for over analyzing or caring too much about whatever is going on with you and your relation to me. And I know to back off and retract the claws I have at your throat. If we are friends cool if not still cool I understand and this is it. I appologize to my readers for the mixed signals it's me being in denial. I'll answer your questions truthfully without getting snappy about it. I'll write about more interesting things, I'll post the poetry I've been writi because I thought it was too personall even for my blog but I'll suck it up. And let's just say I'm moving on with life I'll work on my issues and stop being distant and be more accepting and open towards people. But from this day on I promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me god. I'm going to be blunt with my answers too so watch out. Ask me ANYTHING! I don't care what it is or who you are you will get an answer. Welp until next time... -Blog ya later :)

My weekend

Well this weekend has been packed. Friday I took the bus right after school to the mall with two of my friends to get fangs for my Halloween costume and look amazing by the way. And we hung out and laughed and joked and had soo much fun. Then after taking the bus back...things went wrong. So my guy friend gets off at his stop and my other friend gets picked up by her dad and I'm left waiting for a cab. The cab takes about 45 minutes to get there and I'm standing outside freezing at like 9:45 at night. I was ticked off. Once I got home I was fine though I made hot chocolate watched the vampire diaries and relaxed. Saturday was game day! It was our last home game of the season and I was pumped!! We actually won our game 35-21 this was the first game we have won all season! In the stands everyone was trying to get me to start the clap which would be so cool for a last game thing. We tried to get the drummers to learn it...but they said we were being fake and not all of them wanted to do it. I was more hurt about the reason they gave. I originally said they didn't have to if they didn't want but I figured they would want to because why not. They got offended and said we didn't want the, to learn it before so why now. We wanted the band to learn it first because we needed to become a closer unit. We didn't even know each others names... The drummers were doing fine. They sound amazing and they are close friends. I figured they could learn and then we would all d it together as a band. Who am I kidding though. Nothing ever works out that easily for me. Anyway at the mall on impulse I bought this whistle that was all Blinged out and my intention was to give it to the female drum major but I figured it might be awkward because we don't talk often and she would be like what the hell is she giving me this whistle for. Plus I don't think she likes me very much. So I gave it to the other senior who I call nemo :) He was the only senior who wasn't chosen to be a drum major so I figured for his last home game he deserved it. Quadfasa presented it to him and he loved it. It was pretty cool. Plus my freshman year I had practically the BIGGEST crush on him. But now he's going to college and what not -_- Alright today wasn't the best of the weekend considering the storm and what not. I've been feeling pretty dizzy all day and not in the best mood. My memory was pretty much shot this morning. I had to reread my journal and blog and you could understand why I wasn't to happy reliving painful memories. So I danced around a bit blasted my music painted my toes watched vampire diaries ate sushi watched the new walking dead. And it didn't hurt so bad anymore. I found a box under my bed and I forgot I even put it there it's just an old shoe box with caution tape around it and it has old letters and pictures and stuffed animals from past boyfriends. I didn't cry looking through it though. I was ok. I thought about throwing it away but something stopped me and I just put it back under my bed. I thought I was going to pass out earlier when my friend threatened to call my ex. You all know she's such a great friend (sarcasm). She's so frustrating. I don't know why I neeeded to know if she was going to call him or why she was threatening me to call him. That's her business right? Last time I checked I was pathetic for caring about it. I think he probably doesn't talk to her and she wants to be able to rub him in my face but the truth is he barely even knows her. Or he realizes there's a reason I didn't want them to talk before. It's cute honestly how she tries to hurt me and fails. The worst thing she could really do is put lies in his head about me. No actually the worst she could do is lie to my current boyfriend. Because she likes to manipulate people. Noo the worst thing she could do is give out my blog to people in my school. I might just have to crawl in a hole. No one needs to know my drama. Only people I absolutely trust ever get to see my blog. Even if we stop talking I never change my URL or make them stop reading because I still trust them. And I highly doubt if for whatever reason we aren't friends or we don't talk you would want to read my blog anyway. Food for thought: When someone asks how are you...they don't really want an answer. And If it is really love you can't walk away without a fight. Finally Smile when it hurts the most. And let the bad melt away. -blog ya later!

Satisfied

Like the title says right now I'm just satisfied. In a pretty good mood. Ive been watching the walking dead and SPOILER ALERT I thought Hershel was going to turn out to be a zombie and in Sundays episode Rick was such a badass though! Besides that terpsys starts on Wednesday so my schedule is about to be full! I'm excited and I've been waiting for it to start for a LONG time. For those of you who don't know terpsys is one of the dance programs at my school. It's a lot of hardworking and people may not consider dance a sport but we work just as hard as anyone else to achieve a goal. Maybe our goal isn't bench pressing twice our body weight but I am positive no one else can hit a triple turn leap into an arabesque. So continue to say it isn't a sport but I know I can do things you can't and if dancing were easy they would probably call it ping pong. Like seriously how can you say ping pong is a sport? Well I can argued actively all day that dancing is not only a sport but it is also an art form because the performer can portray an emotion which other sports normally don't get to do. Alright moving on... So I totally skipped telling you guys that I took the PSATS last week. It's honestly not as bad as I thought it would be. But it was just practice and I'm guessing the actual thing will be ten times harder. WHOA! I'm such a zero brain and I forgot to mention to you the battle of the bands thing. It was new to our area and three bands from the surrounding cities were invited my marching band being one of them. And before you all start questioning who won Et me tell you it wasn't an actual competition more like a showcase but of course everyone there was trying to see who the best band was. As far as sound and musicality go my band was by far the best. We played stay scheming and born to be wild and the time warp and a bunch of songs that everyone knows. But then the band that organized the showcase went all out. I mean they were chanting things and were doing choreography and as a band I know we felt threatened because we started playing louder than before and became more competitive. Then came the drumlins section of the performance. And it was truly the MOST entertaining thing to watch the first drumlins went up and shared base drums and pointed at each school which was cute. But what really set it off was when the "premier" school (the school that organized it) went on. The lights went out and the curtains were closed and when they came on stage and turned around they had on jabbowalkie masks. I couldn't even hold back my fan girl moment at that point. I knew if it were a competition that right then and there they had already won. They had choreography and they were dancing and sharing snares it was AMAZING! I knew our drummers who were backstage must have been rattled up. Because we didn't have anything like that prepared. Matter of fact we didn't move at all we stayed stationary and played a series of cadences. The rest of the band was trying to pump it up and show support we were yelling and clapping and being the best support wise. But we knew the other school was silently doing a victory dance. When our drummers finished some people from the audience (from the premier school) started shouting go home and nananana goodbye at our drmline. It was very rude. And I was sort of hoping that for next year we could add in some of that movement and take it to the next level like that. Because movement along with our already solid sound would make us the BEST band! And I have some ideas that could make the drmline portion of next years performance sooooo much better. But I know our drum line is sttubborn. They like to brag about being the best section of the band and whatever but I know for sure that performance must have humbled them. No more bragging. ONE BAND ONE SOUND! I know I could put together an amazing performance that could blow the premier school out of the water but because I'm not a drummer I know they won't even consider what I have to offer. Not saying they need my help or anything but me and a couple other of the band members are dancers we deal with choreography on a daily basis we could totally make something worth being proud of. I would have been frustrated if not embarrassed to be stationary after a big performance like that and at that point I was happy our rumors have good cadences and a supportive band. If they would only be more open to other peoples opinions swallow their pride and let us help. I could add elements to thicken the whole performance and add the entertainment factor. But being that the drum line could care less about anyone's opinion especially mine considering my ex I know they would be out for blood if I tried to step up and help. I figure we have one more year to get it together and if for our senior year next year they really want to go up there and play "clicks" and have the audience yelling at them. Then it's fine with me. The bus ride back with the band was horrific. Truly scary. People were ranting on and on about how we had good sound and the other band was just showing off and being rude. But honestly their band is a unit you could tell they at least all like each other they worked hard on their performance and I think they deserved to show off. If I was them I would have done it too! Maybe not yell at other bands to go home but I would be more proud of what I'm presenting. Either way let me wrap this up before it becomes a huge rant. I can help if everyone lets me. I know I have no authority to declare myself a leader in this band and maybe no one would agree with my ideas or think they look ridiculous but I'm sure once we finished they would be proud of their work regarless of what any other school was doing. And on a completely unrelated note I want to dye the ends of my hair a different color. It's between purple dark blue light blue and red! If my mom would let me I would be the happiest girl on earth. I don't want something that will fade then washout I want something that's at least semi permanent! I think it would look amazing I'm trying to change my look still anyway. I think I can do it if my momwould let me! She's so protective of my hair and it's not even hers. Doesn't she know that could only lead me too do stupid things with my hair when I am older then she would really be upset. On thanksgiving when I come home and I have dyed my hair white and shaved it into a spikes mow hawk! Then what she can't tell me anything! Let me experiment!!! Alright I'm done with this post now sooo... -blog ya later!

That awkward weekend when...

That awkward moment when your weekend is turned upside down. Firstly I had a football game where I had to march obviously because I'm in the marching band. And I don't want to deal with annoying questions yes my ex was there. No we haven't spoken. Ok so the first awkward thing that happened is I realized is my Band uniform was all messed up. The pants were high waters on me and the jacket is much too large. People don't know about my British accent up to now! It's a little frustrating now, people ask too many question about it. I'm not some British speaking robot. Quadfasa official; so theres this group in band of friends called quadfasa. Named after the original four (quad) and the rest is from mufasa from the lion king. Everyone gets an African name. Mine is in dispute between Leila and zazu. Guy who likes you appears out of nowhere. And it's awkward because my boyfriend absolutely hates him. And my "admirer" is still mad at me because I chose my ex over him back in sophmore year. But if I could do it all over again honestly I would have stayed single.nto save myself the trouble. Of falling for someone and letting someone fall for me. Just so no one gets hurt. People around me are always hurting or end up getting Hirt. Or even worse will hurt me. Then magically my ex from freshman year in the band stands. So I have these three guys there and I feel just plain awkward. Not angry but strange. I know they weren't looking at me but I felt like they were all just waiting for something big to happen. So as an upperclassmen I felt it was up to me to help bring the rest of the band together somehow. Tha drummers are a really close knit group and friends and it's really cool they got sweaters and they look amazing. So I decided the rest of the band seeing as how we barely know each others name should do something just for us.so I taught the band everyone this hand clap thing we could all do at the game. Mind you I had to come up with how to teach everyone and keep it a secret without the drum line knowing. Either way it's time. We are at fourth quater of the game. Ms (band teacher) gives me the signal to start the clap. I get up g to the front count it off. And I can feel the drummers confusion practically burning into me.we do the clap successfully the only problem is you can't hear it because we have so many layers on under our band uniform to keep us warm. Ultimately it was happy for us to accomplish the clap but a fail because only we know what it sounds like. Then my two cousins randomly show up. I loved having them there. But I knew something was going to go wrong. Turns out not only do they need a ride back home but they are too excited to go say hello to my ex. AWKWARD!!! They ask first if they can and I'm like "psh go ahead I ain't got nothing to do with that" but I didn't actually think they would. They go say hello and he almost completely ignores them. Or so they said. I didn't actually watch. I didn't want to see what would happen. I think he was either confused or afraid my older cousin might curse him out...again. After that my mom tells me about how my exes father and her were having a conversation. It's not awkward I guess cause its not like they broke up. En randomly my exes brother (the younger one) starts speaking to me. I thought he was avoiding me too. He used to be so happy and funny to talk to until his brother and I broke up. Then it was like he had to stay loyal to his brother and keep his distance. Which I completely understand. But we ended up actually having an amazing conversation. Then in the middle of half time my "best friend" calls me com Lining about my ex and how it's my fault they can't talk. I wanted to yell at her. And tell her she doesn't have the right to be mad at me. If she wants him she better try harder. And I wanted to curse her out and tell her if she were to even come close to hurting him I'd make sure she would regret it. But then I realized its not my responsibility to help everyone anymore. Some people have to learn on their own. I can't take in everyone and fix them up because then they will just forget all about me. Then my mother wins some raffle and get like $85.00! Not awkward but totally worth mentioning in this post. After that Guy who likes you forgets how to work thumbs and he complains to me I have to help him with his history assignment. Which would require personal like one on one time. Which I know would upset my boyfriend. So I opted to just call him and help him over the phone. But this guy has been trying to get me to his house for the longest. I've been there before and met his family. And they are all nice people but he isn't my boyfriend and he has to realize that. Then Sunday I went over to my best friends house to have a walking dead party. I'm new to the show but I'm in LESBIANS with it (Scott pilgrim reference)! I watched the tether seasons on Netflix and I was rudely reminded about my exs love for the show. -_- great I can't even enjoy tv without something reminding me. Somebody take pity on me.even in the back of my locker it still has a spot where he signed it. It says your boyfriend was here. And I cant get it off for the life of me. I scrubbed so hard but it just wouldn't come off. But my weekend was not a complete fail. I got home and danced it all out. I just danced away my demons. It was my own personal way of refreshing myself. And balanced was restored. Ok that's it for this post. I hope you got your fix of my drama and whatever you needed to know about my ex (ya stalkers)! Anyway just trying to give the people what they want. Love you all. - Blog ya later!