Just something on my mind...

I must be a horrible person... I need to bud out of people's lives and let them solve there fucking issues on their own. Because I feel the need to help everyone, I take on their mental stress and I'm loyal to them...and for what I always end up hurt later. I help then I hurt. And so many people say they love that about me how I'll help them when no one else will and shit. But where are they now...when I need them.huh? I can't deal with all of this new found stress.i wish I could just be a loner and not care about anyone. And hate those people but I can't. I believe all these people are still in my heart but the sad thing is they probably don't even think about me anymore. I don't understand why it's not ok for people to treat me like a human being? I have feelings and hopes and wishes and life isn't perfect but I move on. And this is the part where I start ranting about how much I hate shadow. But the really fucked up part is I can't bring myself down to hate him...and I really want to. I want to treat him like exes do. But I don't it's like I have too much pride to bring myself to that. And I won't stoop to that low.but apparently he has. I cannot tell you the last time he even looked at me. I don't know how to erase people out of my life especially since I'll see them often. And I can't do it. Sometimes I need to leave the classroom and be away from it all. And I can't even cry about it because I'm not really a crying type of person but I can sit there and let it all build until I can hardly breathe.closure...yeah. I keep saying I don't need it but eventually if I keep denying it I'll spaz out. And end up at the hospital.and it's not fair to anyone else because even when I'm with them and happy in the back of my mind I'm going insane and when I'm alone it all seems to just break me down.and I have this feeling like he still reads all these posts maybe he doesn't it's just something I wish he would do. Maybe so I could pretend like we still talk because I lost a good friend or what I thought was a good friend in all this shit.maybe tomorrow ill just end it. End it as in either five up or stop caring. Which is so hard for me to do...when a person gets to that point where they are dead in my eyes it's never a good thing. Or maybe I'll end it some other way....

I'll just walk up and say what I need to say and walk away... I've got a couple questions...

And I really just want him to lie to me and say it never happened or whoever that guy was isn't the true him. He's actually just an asshole I want to stop feeling like somewhere down in him is that guy I knew. I want it to be something or someone else. I don't want to even sort of feel remorse.i want to remember nothing of what happened and move on with my life. God damn I'm all worked up and shit. Like I'm all fucked up. I never thought I would ever be here writing this. Not even because of shadow because he has nothing to do with my present problems he's old news is what I tell myself.and I've got this fucking stuffed dog in my bag and I can't bring myself to give it back to him. I won't look at him long enough to even tell him I have it. He doesn't even give a shit about the stupid dog anyway. I figured I'd give it back when he asked about it but he hasn't so...

And don't let me forget I think he actually said something to me last time it was strange....I was having a headache and I was feeling really sick because of allergies and what not and I swear he knew it befo I even said it out loud. All he said was you should go to the nurse and he turned and he walked away. It meant something for him to at least care that I don't go die. But at this point I am struggling to hold on sometimes and no one knows it but I'm only getting more sick and there's nothing the doctors have for me and I can feel my body getting weaker and my senses lagging behinde sometimes and I really don't want to be home schooled because of all this shit but it may come to that. The other day I had a seizure in class it was short and JD was with me...no one knew until I told him and it was brief enough for me to be able to survive going to band later on.but this sick thing is really taking its hits at me.and for all I know anything could happen at anytime and if something were to happen I wish I leave with no sadness back here I hope I experience all life has to show me and I apologize to who I need to apologize to and I can move on peacefully like I'm about to do with this post :)

-blog ya later!

Just one of those days

I dunno maybe it's just me. It's just one of those day when everything just hits you at once. Nothing goes as planned and your frustrated at everything and you want to cry but there is no actual reason to. Everything and anything bad just boils up and smacks you in the face. And you feel overwhelmed. Recently I've been thinking not about anything specific but about my life in general. I have a good life for the most part I can't complain I guess. But it's like being in a house having everything you want and no one to share it with. Mom isn't home but when she is she makes promises to watch movies and when it comes down to it she never wants to or is too tired and my foster sister is eleven and she is always is trouble. JD is always there for me but I can never go see him without being interrogated and then lectured for something that's pointless my mother just doesn't trust me...I have no clue why she won't just admit it. I can't take thebus I can't walk anywhere if I text someone she automatically assumes its JD or some guy who is in love with me when half the time I'm writing little memos so I don't go insane. And besides all that shit my father lives way out in Timbuktu so I can't just see him whenever I want. He wants to get me a motor scooter but my mom once again doesn't trust me enough to let me even ride it anywhere. I haven't seen my brother in so long I can't even tell you how tall he is. And then there is the occasional depressed moment.

It's like a wave of. Sadness and anger that comes out of nowhere and I just have to blame it on something. Normally I say it's my parents or shadow. And a few times I feel like I'm just going to explode and freak out or do something I would really regret. I have turned back to writing again. I have written countless angry poems about life and love and hatred and shadow. And all the shit people go through. And to some it all up I'm tired. Sick and tired of all the nonsense and sometimes I wonder if everything would be better off it I were to just disappear no one needs someone like me around even though they will fight with me or for me to think otherwise I just refuse. I feel like I'm wasting space sometimes and I need to just go far away.i wouldn't think about running away because where will I run to? Sometimes I find myself planning out how I could survive living in the school without anyone knowing. I know where I would sleep I know where there are. No cameras I know how I could get food I know how to keep the doors open.i have a locker to put all my crap in.why not right! It would be perfect. But eventually I would end up back home listening to my mom rant about god only knows what instead of listening to the problem. She blames it all on me sometimes she gets frustrated by me asking a question, I don't even want to talk to her like that anymore she makes it seem like we are perfect and we tell each other everything but it's all a lie. I'm normally fending for myself or all alone. She ignores me half the time and I know she hears me and sees me looking at her. And she gets all fussy and raises her for voice and god forbid I point that out it only gets worse. She says my room is very messy but when other adults come they ask their kids why they can't keep there room as neat as mine. Why they aren't good children that listen like I do. All the other adults praise me for what I try to do but my mom never sees that she is never happy never satisfied. And she's always working to accomplish some ludicrous task that doesn't need to be done then complaining that she needs sleep. One word that describes my life is alone. I'm lonely but not alone people are all around me but they aren't with me or can't be with me for that matter. And things just fall apart for no reason. And that's why I think I'm just wasting space like there are people working harder than I am and going through worse and yet I have the audacity to complain and rant. If I would let myself all day every day I would probably rant about my parents or how I never see my friends or how shadow really did hurt me weather I admit it or not. I think about that day not even that moment in school almost every other day.i think about how confused I had been and what I was about to tell him when he said it. I think about how big of a mistake it would have been to tell him. I think about how after I didn't even know what to do I didn't know whether I wanted to hit him or hug him or curse him out. I think about how he played me so well.i think about how I can't even look at him anymore because I don't want to feel sorry for anything I feel. I think about how I know we can never "be friends" like he said because I won't trust him. But mostly I think about how he impacts everything I do still. I don't love as much as I can I don't trust as much as I should and now words have no meaning like I'll never hurt you or I love you. Nothing matters like it should anymore. I cant listen to certain love songs without feeling sick and I have finally found a person who makes it all melt away even if only for a little while but I never get to see him. And even then I feel like he deserves more but I just can't give it to him because I'm so fucking screwed up now. I think I know what I need To do though... JD signed me up to do announcements one day this week and I wrote something. Nothing really bad or harsh but it's the truth. I'm going to read it over the announcements at my school and no before you start assuming I never once used anyone's name in it. But if you listen close enough you can definitely tell who and what I'm talking about...I gotta go before this post becomes a story!

-blog ya later!

That girl

That Girl

We got that “waiting in the clinic” silence
That “ssssssssssh, don’t tell nobody what we did” silence
And I’m so tired of being your hamper that
I’m almost about to dump out those week-old ketchup stain secrets and
Do laundry in that silence
You like keeping it quiet
But my vagina is not your walk-in closet
You wanna stuff your unmentionables through me
Want a place to hang up your insecurities
Want me to keep check of your hand-me-downs and
Pradda women from every occasion
And put me back behind closed doors in the darkness
Nobody knows you hold my hand
Nobody knows I call you baby
And nobody knows you write anonymous poems about me
The type you can’t post on facebook
Because regardless of what you may think
I’m worth of what you may think I deserve
I will never be
That girl
The girl who’s only out to make you smile
When she’s making you orgasm
That girl
Who’s day job is day dreaming and waiting for her night job
That girl
Who’s so in love, she will turn her body over for your superficial touch
You hide me behind locked doors and bed sheets
Because if you dare reached out then
Everybody would know that it was still about me
Livin’ in your heart and in your mind
You’re still wrapped up in me
My tear ducts- you owned them
My heart says you got them tied around your pencils and fingers
Yeah, you may say “it’s over”
And you may never admit that you love me
But you don’t have to
Cause the silence speaks volumes
You wanna hold me in your arms, rock me to sleep
Then act like you don’t know me
As if the moments we spend together
Are some kind of downpayment
As if my bedroom were lay-away
And that’s all you ever do, is lay away
Curl up beside me but in the morning
Pull up the hoodie and run the other way
I’m like that bastard child
The reason why daddy never stuck around in the first place
But for me, rejection doesn’t come every other weekend
It comes when you lower your head and pass by without speaking
And I remember there was a time where you could barely take your eyes off me
I just don’t understand why it’s not okay for you to love me
I guess you just want me to be
That girl
The girl who everyone wants to sleep with
But no one wants to be with
That girl
Only good enough for finding a suitable replacement
And I’m trying to make up for the mistakes
But you convince yourself that
She means everything and
You wouldn’t even do it
I mean – Come on, baby, she looks just like me
Read the signs
Or at least
If not
The facial features
Cause I was your first, your only
The prototype and she’s just the duplicate
And you can never make copies
Without first consulting the blueprint
You know what they say,
“The sequel’s never better than the original”
And she tries to write you stories
But you know they’re only half as good
So, half squinting, you only hold her half as tight as you should
Because your other half is tangled in my bed sheets
And your other half is complete within my mind, soul and body
And your other half is French-tounging me Monday through Friday
I’m not fighting for joint-custody
I’m fighting for respect
Because I will never be content with being your “back-door hoe”
Your “something on the side”
Your “something to do during those lonely nights”
Your “closet freak”
You will never reduce me to a skank and a whore
And though I love you,
I’d rather spend every night crying all over my bedroom floor
Than ever be
That girl