It's over...

Whyyyyy?

How is it that I have " ther perfect life" and yet I'm never happy. Fuck it all I just can't anymore... My mom is never home to all to and yet she's mad at me because I found someone to finally talk to. Someone who gets it..someone who struggles the same as I. I just want to stand in the middle of the street and scream. Why is it that my parents always find something to be mad at? Everyone praises me for all I try to do. I'm not out doing drugs or anything I shouldnt be doing and yet they get mad because I talk to much on the phone? Not even because my room is messy or anything... I have never allowed myself to cry for so long about anything... My dogs gone I never see my father moms isn't home foster sister is always in trouble dealing with her own shit uncle has cancer the worst break up ever....

What the hell did I do? How could I let myself drift so far from who I used to be?

Losing my dog...really hard because Nala was all I had when I was all alone. I used to tell her my problems because she couldn't tell anyway... My father lives out in nowhere I never see him and I just found out that he has diabetes. My foster sister is now here with me when my mom isn't but she is 11 how much can I tell her. She's dealing with worse than I...I guess. She's got crazy family drama I can't even explain.she doesn't need to be bothered with my shit. My mom isn't home ever, so telling her doesn't really work. We always say we are going to do something and then reschedule...and even then it's not happy because we come home and have moments like this. Nobody knows....nobody cares... I can't tell anyone. Who needs this sort of stress anyway?

I'm sick and alone and frail. I know how to defend myself but when everything is thrown at you at once you sort of get lost. I am strong because I know I have to be. My parents don't even look at each other. I have a brother god only knows how he is..l I didnt even know about him until he was almost one years old.

I think my room is driving me insane. It's a big purple box of nothing. No one to do anything with. And just when I finally felt I could open up and life was good... We break up. And now I'm coping with it...but my mother freaks out whenever I talk to JD. He doesn't even know the half of it. Why the hell is it so complicated for me? Why can no one see it from my point of view.

My mother says stop talking to him so much... Which isn't possible knowing us. We could talk for hours about nothing...she doesn't trust me. Fine. Then do not ask for my trust.i can't talk to my mother the way I talk to him anyway she won't understand she can't help. She just doesn't get me. She doesn't ever really ask either... She doesn't know me. She can't tell you any of my teachers names. She hasn't ever been to parent teacher conferences I can't say the last time we took a second to just talk without arguing. And all because I realized this and cope with it. She rips it out from underneath of me. I'm not even strong enough to scream. I want to blame it all on my ex but I can't it's not his fault. He simply fell out of love...if he was ever in it. I wish I could blame it on someone. But I can't I wish there was someone to talk to. But there isn't...anymore. So to shadow goodbye and to JD I hope I can find a way to get my mom to see what I see in you.with you I cannot be anymore. She took it away. And I'm so far gone that I can't see where I came from. And just like that my life is broken, I can hardly breath and I'm open for suggestions. There's no need for me to worry anyone with this nonsense anyway.

I might as well just let go. I'm not nessecary. I don't matter. I'm.not needed. And to the people who believe otherwise I'm sorry. I don't know where the girl you thought was worth while went. But she's not here.and then there's "Amina" (fake name) who just left again I hadn't seen her in who years... She came here after running away and now she is gone again.

I'm done now....

-blog ya later!

lost

SO far so many things have happened...lets make a list
1. big break up
2. uncle gets cancer
3. mom gives away dog.
4. JD...enough said
5. Anxiety
6. Zela....
7. my new favorite book series came out with another book (hex hall book three called spellbound)
8. The hunger games which i havent read yet because im a freaking hipster
9. mixed emotions
and the list goes on...
i realize in the past couple of weeks i havent been eating... i havent eaten breakfast in at least a week and a half...for lunch i used to get a salad now im good with a snapple. its weird im not like anorexic or anything.trust me i am full figured! but i think in my head somewhere theres something deeper going on...like ive lost a little bit of me... or something weird like that...Zela seems to take over a lot more often then i would like at least twice a day. But she doesnt need to meet JD in person... ever. she can keep her british butt occupied with someone else. instead of switching my hips and winking my eye. She thinks she can get rid of me. But im here to stay..
either way....enough of boring alexia, this is zela. my first time writing on thhis blog i wonder what she says about me. ive got some research on my hands apparently... sooo uhhh goodbye...
-Blog ya later

Just a little something...

It just takes a second for my world to come crumbling down

Oh I'm sure in the distance you can hear that awful sound

How I plead for an answer Plead for an answer from you

But if you give me and answer that just makes no sense Then whats the use

And just like that my life is broken

I can barely breath And now I'm open for suggestions

At the end of the day life's a lesson Life's a lesson...So why cant he see from my point of view And how many seconds in the hours of a day we lose

Was it me or his feelings Me or his feelings that day

Cause I just stood there in silence Watched while my world away

And just like that my world was broken I can barely breath

and now I'm open for suggestions At the end of the day life's a lesson

My life's a lesson Hollow, oh Feel it in the air that I breath come over me now

life's a lesson Oh why can I see it from his point of view?

And how many seconds in the hours will I make him lose?

Oh he said it was him or the answer It was him or the answer that day

Well I kept shouting out the answer so what was the use anyway?

Just something on my mind that i obviously needed to write...

-Blog ya later...

A week and two days!

And I feel good! Yea that's right I'm back I'm out of my funk it's officially over a week since D day and I'm not trying to scratch my eyes out!! I thought I wasn't going to remember how to be single! Boy I was wrong, I have been Chillen out this weekend I spent the night at my girl chichi's house which was nice to get a change in scenery. Then all day today I went to the park with JD and he was trying to show me how to skip rocks all day!!! I still haven't figured it out! He is really good at it and I'm jealous! Then we came back to my house and watched a movie which was fun had some Chinese food it was over all a really good day hanging out and Chillen. I haven't even thought about you know who since just now because he is what I should be writing about! But who freaking cares life's too short and everyone goes through it. Things could be worse and you live and you learn! I'm sooo happy to have gone through it now and figure it out! That's one thing to be appreciative for...I needed this experience...to learn not to depend on any one person for everything...especially happiness... Never give anyone soo much power to take away your own happiness!! Live life with no regrets and love all of your mistakes because there only going to make you stronger! I feel alive as if I was in a deep sleep and now im awake! In no way shape or form in case this is taken the wrong way am I trying to hurt anyone by these posts I'm simply documenting all of my ideas for future reference! I hope it isnt taken the wrong way... And you know who you are, of your reading this for whatever reason...thank you, for everything. Thanks for the time. Thanks for sharing life's crazy cycle with me and thanks for being honest. It was hurtful and you could have said it nicer. But life is harsh people aren't always what they seem. I will always have love in my heart for you and I would be there if you ever should need me but it's time for me to finally move on...opening up Is very hard for me and I appreciate that you tried to get me to...but I'm relieved I didn't...because looking back at it now it would have just made it harder to let go...so thank you

I think I'm falling for him...is this bad? This feeling is foreign to me...this is early for these feelings. I mean right now I would be pulling my hair out crying eating ice cream and all that junk. But around him I'm happy.happy how I used to be. Truly happy, and it's all brand new. But I now remember a hazy memory from months ago when I said the same thing for...he who shall not be named. He was the source I happiness. I fixed he lifted him up when he was down. I put myself in him and he walked away with me. I'm going crazy i know that everything inside me says don't even think about it...but what if I don't take that chance? What if something beautiful could come from it. Should I wait...but I know right now if he were to ask me I would say yes...but then start freaking out whether it was too fast and what my family would think...how dangerous it could be. I keep saying to myself he couldn't do that to me, but I said that about...you know.but not every guy I meet will end up like that. He had every reason to feel the way he felt...we did sort of rush into a relationship.but I thought that was for the better.am I willing to risk it all. Tonight could be the night...whatever happens let me promise myself now...that I won't lose myself and an awesome friend in the process.

On another note....I FEEL FREAKING AWESOME! I forgot how amazing being single is and missed this feeling!free to be me! I can ur and skip and jump without restrictions I can laugh unattractively and act crazy and dance like no one is watching again... Ok someone is texting me...oh it's JD! Gotta go!

-blog ya later!

Day04 to recovery

well....this is a day late but i forgot to do it yesturday so here i am doing it now....
"today" wasn't bad first and second period were alright i got to watch finding nemo in chemistry and i found out i finally got my grade up to an A-. i am soooo proud of myslef for that...
ummm then there was a choice i had to make either go to lunch or down to theatre and have it be an awkward conversation...
i went to lunch ate then i went down to theater... i avoided the awkward conversation because i didnt know what would happen if we were to even try to have a conversation this early... it would be like throwing salt on a cut.
I probably should have said something or stayed at lunch but i really do enjoy theatre even though im not technically in the class... i spent the time on the other side of the room....for the best i guess unless he took it the wrong way which would have either no effect or make things worse...i feel ok i guess the rest of the day was fine...i think he was trying to say hello in the morning but i wasn't sure if it was meant for me...so i didnt wave. i figure we need a long break from each other before we force a friendship. we have rushed into things in the past and that led us nowhere.
so i guess for now this is how its going to be until one of us decide to stop being sttuborn and let it all go...maybe that would be thursday. because that makes a week of singleness for both of us.
i remember what its like now to be single to talk to every guy just because to have no strings attached to any conversation the freedom to say whatever you want. its nice....its refreshing.
i feel like more people are starting to realize one by one and so randomly people are talking to me again...i feel like im back in the real world again.
theres hope for a good year still everything is not ruined. i still have my trip to france coming up. and thats definitly what i need. i need to escape from everything i know, from my world.im leaving the country to find me...the real me. to get space and gain clarity on who i am and why i do things the way i do.
Im just going to leave it all behind...who i was and who i used to be...that girl is gone. for right now anyway.
im not dependent on anyone for anything i need only myself and to find happiness that way like ive been doing my whole life as an only child. to love is to give someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to...lets just say i am destroyed... all there is left is rubble bones and a ghost of who i used to be. to be reborn i must search for self.
My friends are really helping me through this at least i can count on them to be there when i need it... the girl talk is much appreciated!
and JD i dont know how but he has the ability to make me forget if only for a little while everything im stressing over i laugh and i mean really laugh when we are talking and he just gets it...thank god someone does... ive found my real friends and the people that will always be there for me when i need them...
JD is really open i trust him... because he trusts me. we both just understand almost like we have lived through the same problems you know? i could just go down the list of the friends helping me but it would take a year to write but you know who you are and this is me showing appreciation. The girl you know and love will be back shortly just let me go through this and get it out of my system...everyone has this moment at sometime in their life. i guess its my turn.
its funny because alot of my friends had boyfriends and drama when we were younger and i was the one to help them out and i would always think i never want this to happen to me.. i just couldn't handle that pressure and stress.. and yet look where i am only two years later on the other side of the fence... things change i have changed... andf i regret it alot but i cant sit here and mope all day... i can pick myself up and walk away with whats left of the real me...i have love for everyone in my life yes even...him. and for specific reasons... even though i should be hating him part of me knows who he is... i think things have changed about him and i thought i lost him...all of him everything i saw in him but i realize he is the same person just not with me. hes still thst guy i met at the party that day hes still the guy who i went to the movies with and i helped through hard times. hes that guy and i have love for him...but i am not in love with him anymore.
friends? yeah ofcourse once i find a friend in me again...once i stop hating myself for stupid reasons when i relax and stop stressing for no reasons...and thats the life i live right now...so till next time
-Blog ya later!

Day03 to recovery

I'm healing... Today I went to the batting cages with a guy friend and it was soo much fun! He showed me how to swing the right way...I still can't quite get it right but I did hit the ball! Then we walked all the way to picklelicious and I got us pickles on a stick...I know weird right..whatever it was good and we got to chocolate covered pickles on the house!we walked further down the road to one of his favorite stores. It was this huge candy store and it had just about every candy you could think of! It even had razzles. He had never had them before. Razzles and both a candy and a gum I had to buy some. He loved them and so did I. Let's call him "JD" cause I am tired of referring to him as him!! So after JD and I walked over to clubfit and looked around I saw an old friend. We might even sign up for a class or two together because who doesn't want to get fit?! I know what your thinking...she likes him... Theres a big possibility...im afraid to like anyone right now though. I don't want to rush anything.thats what ended my last relationship.how do I know I can just pick up my heart in its broken entirety and hand it to someone else you know? I could sit for months trying to pick up those pieces to hand it to him...but is that fair, to anyone. If I'm going to love I want whole hearted love. He probably doesn't even think of me like that...but the more time we spend I think I fall a little harder each day.he's just the only person who I can be around stress free and talk about everything and nothing and he just understands. That's all I need right now. He keeps my mind off of all the pain and I really need it.

But now I'm home... Left with my thoughts and it sucks. I hate being alone because I have to much time to think about the pain. No tears yet... But definitely some sort of empty feeling which I believe will go away eventually. Moving on. Two words that kill me to admit but that's what I need to do. Obviously things aren't going to sort themselves out so I might as well right? Thing is I really thought that this could have been the start of something good. But we live and learn. It wasnt meant to be I guess...whatever or whoever I should say god has planned for me I trust will be just who I need. And same goes for...he who shall not be named. I hope everyone ends up happy. Because so far things aren't exactly all peachy yet,for either of us.

I wonder if he has cried. If it mattered to him.if I still matter. I should stop pestering myself these questions but I haven't slept too good for the past couple of days...because I'm thinking about all of these things it's killing me. But I know that I can't handle the answer to any of my questions. I'm so freaking frustrated. Why the hell am I doing this to myself. I wake up every morning half expecting the whole break up to be a dream. No a horrible nightmare. The words spoken were reversed. I wish he never had those moments to himself to rethink everything. I wish he had never looked back at us and realized a mistake. But that's selfish of me. It's selfish of me to want anything to go good for me...just once.only once in my life. Despite all of that It helped me forget all of my other problems at home and at school and with everything else. I posted something's on a social network which was received in a hurtful manner, I am truly sorry that's how you received it. But if what really hurt you was the fact that you believe I got over you too quickly then why did you break it off... Why should it matter!? Whatever I do shouldn't matter...nothing I say about forgetting you shouldn't effect you because that's what you did. That's what your doing. I just took time to write all of it down. I don't understand why you got so emotional about it to a point where you let it provoke you to reply with spite...you say you hate putting our business out there but not once did I even say your name...you decided to post on my wall. If you were worried about other people knowing why post it directly to my wall instead of in a private message? Wouldn't that make sense. Plus no one had even commented on those statuses no one even cared...so why did you.

I'm not being dramatic or rude or anything but quit feeling bad about it... You did what you felt was right...no one can change your mind. If your heart is set on it then let it be so... Just erase me.

Forget everything I did that ever made you happy forgett it all.quit reading my posts stop reading my blog and you wint feel any pity for me I promise. If you continue to read my posts and feel bad that's all on you...why should I stop ranting? This is my personal blog you wanted to read it way back when if i remember correctly I won't take it down because I write the truth and I won't change the URL because I've had it since like 6th grade... I have history with this blog I can't just change it because you feel bad. It blows my mind that you feel upset or hurt because of what I write...it's unlike anything I have ever heard. Most guys move on and have a new girl and could care less about the other girl. Who cares if she's broken inside and out who cares if she can't sleep who cares...is over your done. Unless you don't feel that way. But I won't even go that route because it would make no sense for you to even kind of have feelings for me still. I need to expell this thought from my head right away.

Should I just pretend I don't feel this way and get some new guy...no bad idea. Because I would just break his heart like mine is broken now. And no one deserves this pain no matter what he has done. No one deserves sleepless nights and dreary mornings. No should feel this depression for any reason. Ever. Maybe that's what happened to me. Is a chain reaction...

Heartbreak is a chain reaction whether you say you could never be that person at some point you will breaks someone else's heart. In my case I didn't deserve it. But I lived it and learned from it. I'll change my methods become a new person and figure out why I don't deserve one good thing in life. I'll open up I'll quit being afraid of stupid things like scare crows, feet, and bugs. I'll quit noticing everything...I'll be completely oblivious to everything. Because that hasn't exactly worked out for me...but then again nothing really does. Let me stop lying to myself as if everything is ok... I should stop caring so much. Because right now I hate me. I hate everything I do. I regret everything i say. And it kills me. Because if anyone knew this they would send me to a psycologist.

I wish it was easy. I wish being me was easy. I wish my everything was crumbling around me. But wishing gets me no where. Hoping gets nothing done. Lets face it I'm all alone theres no one to help me but me...no one gets it. No one can understand. I just want to be happy. No scratch that I just want to be free, free of me. I want to be someone else leave everything about me behinds and take on a life of o problems... But wouldn't we all like that? I'm so selfish god...what the hell am I doing this to myself for? I'm just going to stop before I go crazy...

-blog ya later!

Day02 to recovery

Closure....

We are all entitled to it.and we all get it in different ways. For me I write and I write until my fingers hurt. I think and rethink until I have nothing left to think about. But I was forced today to talk to face all of the facts I didn't want to know. I didn't feel ready to know the truth. In a talk I discovered that my relationship was rushed. Rushed into everything, rushed into false love I guess I loved that I had someone I could fix like a project a big psychology project. Not in a mean way either but I really love helping people. He became drawn to that false love also from my understanding. But what happened is I actually fell in love while he fell into I guess lust or infatuation something other than love. The truth is harsh isn't it. So as I understand it all the texts and poems were purely from his mind but not from his heart. There was never any love. In which case I was soo taken off guard because that's some grade a acting to look me deep n the eye I remember it vividly at the park and say I love you eyes that did not show a lie at all. Everything was just an illusion of the heart. A mind game I guess. But in the process only I received the pain. Almost so surreal I could not acknowledge it as occurring. Sure I have been in horrible situations where I've felt depressed or whatever but to tell you the truth ever teenager ones through that. But none of it prepared me for this. This that happened oh too quickly for me to accept. I won't call it denial because I realized I was sad but still not having a tear fall from my face I realize not sadness but an emptiness. Like nothing matters.like I just lost everything and nothing. But I am mostly mad at myself... For doing what I always tell other people not to do. I tell everyone love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to. I did that all of that not realizing the entirety of what being destroyed truly feels like. I feel like I was stripped and wrapped with lies and pushed into traffic. It's a lot to take in over a couple of days, a lot of pain. The pain of being hit by a truck and losing oxygen. I feel incapable of emotion. I figure why put myself into another predicament such as this. Never love never get hurt. No worrying about anyone of anything just not caring.

And if you ever read this I'm sorry if what I write hurts your feelings. But you had your turn to tell the harsh truth now it's my turn. Either way you didn't have to read it or respond this is a personal blog and now I'm not even allowed to write on it. My mother wants me to take it down. This blog is like a glass wall that protects me from insanity. I'm deeply sorry for my truth. For writing about how I had not cried. Because I am probably to sad to cry. For acting the way anyone would after being dumped. I haven't even muttered the words to myself out loud I don't want to fade the fact that it's happening again. I do everything I can to not complain to listen to everything you have to say to be the best girlfriend I can and yet end up back here.

But why...and all for what obviously what ever I'm doing must be wrong. I should complain whenever I get the chance and shut you out and forget about your needs. Maybe I should reevaluate everything I do. Another question... Why read these posts... If they hurt you why force yourself to feel what I feel. Why do it to yourself no one asked for your pity I wouldn't expect you to understand what this feels like. Please do me the favor and save yourself the heartache. Because although I hate to say it I still care. And I hate that I care. But I can read it right on your face. Every fiber in my body tells me not to care but my heart over rules it all. I care, maybe a little too much for all the heartache I feel on your account. I figured it could never happened. But explain yourself if you don't love me if you truly don't care why let me provoke you why let everything fall so heavily on your shoulders? I think there's more to it... I think someone told you something possibly a lie and you believed it. I think you took it to heart and then your ego took over I thought you could never be that guy.

But then again what do I know. Nothing.

Time for me to do me... Have fun do what I like forget everyone else's problems for once and solve my own. I'm all alone out on my own. I guess I just gotta let it burn.

-blog ya later

Day01 to recovery...

Well today went better than I expected its the first day after the breakup with shadow and I'm still breathing still living still pushing forward... People around me seem more upset then I am though... My mom needed to get closure so she deleted his number it was too funny! The awkward thing was first period. I sit right next to him...I half expected him to move his chair since he hates sitting in the front anyways.but he sat there he actually looked more depressed...I would have asked but I'm not ready for an answer yet...I wonder if he read what I wrote in his journal or if he threw it out... He probably threw it out. Whatever that's not my business... I just hate when females keep the stuff the guys give them... I forgot to give him back his ID but I'm wondering if I should keep it you know as an EXample of what to stay away from next time. Soo many people have been so helpful his friend from last year seems to be trying to rekindle some sort of past feelings he had but wouldn't that just be awkward...or wrong I don't know...I don't know anything anymore. I thought we had at least a better friendship for him not to lie to me... Or at least come up with a better excuse you know? " I think we rushed into a relationship" is kind of too late to say now because we started dating in august of 2011... Shouldn't you have ended it there...before emotions ran deep. Like Adele says" we could have had it all...rolling in the deep."

I wonder if he told his mother...I wonder of he used me I don't know anything about him anymore I feel like I have been lied to and everything I thought was true is now compromised. URGHH... What a plot twist.

I reread everything in that journal he gave me and it just doesn't add up... It says plainly there in black and white I love you I will never break your heart blah...I can't even anymore.

It's like I'm living a degrassi episode. I stayed up a long time last night waiting to see if the after shock would sink in waiting to see if I would crack and break down see if I would end up a mess with eyeliner dripping and leaving black pools of tears in my sheets.and yet nothing...I felt a little sick like I was going to throw up or something...but I doubt that was shadow induced. In French I felt dizzy like sitting next to him was draining my soul, like I was sitting next to someone I didn't even know.

I wanted to say something anything...but I could not I couldn't bring myself to say anything. But all I could say was his name. A name that now has no meaning no past no history. I handed him all the things he gave to me and I felt a load lift off my shoulders. But I feel like I'm slowly dying in there like the room is getting smaller and I'm running out of oxygen. I couldnt get out of there quick enough to breathe oxygen not full of shadow. To clear my head to be free of thoughts. I thought I would cry seeing him there and having different feelings.

Yesterday I saw his face twisted up like it was last year when he was having relationship issues with one other chick.who was there for him...I was. What a waste I wasted energy giving advice and worrying if he was ok for no reason at all because she broke his heart and I was there and he did the same and I'm all alone. There's no one for me too really tak to about it with. It's almost like a slap in the face. Last year I thought to myself don't fall for him, this could be trouble. This could end in disaster. This could end badly for me. And now we aren't even friends. He gave the whole we can be friends speech but we haven't even so much as looked at each other. Besides french I was happy it was one of the happiest days ever. I got a good grade in English and I got to skip computer apps for a band lesson and on band well... I felt sick again but not like shadow in the same room sick like actual sick like pass out on the floor sick. I was dizzy and the notes on the page were all fuzzy and it was hot and cold. I wondered if I would pass out but yet I kept smiling I felt dizzy up above and all bubbly in my stomach everything was happy. Shadow on the other hand didn't look so hot. He looked just as depressed as he had in French. But that's no longer my problem.i hope he isn't frustrated because of me though because how twisted would that be... I wonder if someone said something to him and it provoked this change of heart I wonder if someone lied I wonder if someone planted the idea in his head.

After school I saw him but I was more focused on other things I figured if he wanted to talk i would listen but I no longer have a response. I can't wait to see how quick he recovers this time. Who will be there to give him advice who will save his broken heart and keep him sain juggling his relationship schoolwork and battling home life. It's not an easy job and no one could step up to the plate. But whoever takes on that challenge forever has my respect.

But with all of this stress is dangerous because of course I won't complain to anyone.the stress could leave me in the hospital. Do you know what will happen then. I will be home schooled because the school doesn't want to risk anything...meaning no Normal classes no seeing my friends no dancing. What am I to do? That's the end. The end of my dream. Homeschooled kids need a parent home during "school hours" which isn't going to happen because my mom is never home.

This is causing way too much trouble for me. But who would even care if I told them his. Wo would listen to all of this complaining. No one because no one is ever here. It's better to just keep it in. If I go mad the. Who am I to blame but me? I figure I'll take a break.

I break from everything I break from caring I break from noticing a break from love. Because fuck it....fuck it all I don't need anybody I've got three faithful people in my life and that's all I need. Because at night we all lose our shadows.

Goodbye?...

This is when...

This is when im supposed to cry
this is when im supposed to eat all the ice cream and chocolate i can find
this is when i act like everything that we had was never there
this is when im supposed to hate you
this is when im supposed to start rumors
But im not...
im not doing any of that
I should be cursing at someone for no reason
i should be playing demi lovato songs and watching sappy movies
im sitting here like it was any other day
typing all the things i should be doing when someone pulls you to the side and utters those word...the words that can break a girl like me. "can we talk."
well...now i bet its killing you..
what is she thinking
does she love him still?
did she ever love him?
well to tell you the truth right now i feel..
like i wasted my time.
this is why i dont open up to males you just never know whats actually going through their head...
i wasted time texting him, spending hours on the phone with him,at his house, at expensive restaurants, writing on this blog, gushing over what probably wasnt there
as i look on it i saw it comming early today i saw it in his face, i refuse to believe.
i saw it in his best friends faced right before he came up to me
i saw it in his eyes
i saw it...but here i am feeling dumbfounded
i wonder what hes thinking
i wonder what was true...if it was ever true.
i wonder if we can ever be friends
i wonder if i was only there to help you cope..with her
i wonder...
i wonder why im not crying.
where are we left to stand now?
can we ever be friends...
no
can we get back together...
i cant do that to myself
what should i do?
forget about it...give all of the stuff back
closure?
dont need it
unfriend him on facebook?
uneccesary
slap him?
no
what should he do?
to tell you the truth i believe he is perfect for my friend...uhhh tulip...if only you knew the irony of her alias...
any way i think they are perfect for each other they are into all the same things and have things in common she beautiful...but she probably wouldnt...because of me. which is sad.i hope they can see that they are compatible.
what does the future hold for you too?
alot of forced awkward after breakup conversation...
i hope he never misses me..
i hope he never looks back and realizes a mistake
i hope one day i can see him as a friend
i hope one day i can see him as someone i used to love
i hope i can forget all that we have been through
i hope i can forget that this was the worst time for this too happen
i hope i can forget what i was willing to experience together for the first time with him..
because today i had news of my own...
i hope i can relearn how to be single.
all i want to ask is...why
all serious i know you tried to explain it..
but how dare you...in the middle of the hallway people surrounding us..
a two minute conversation...have the audacity to look me in the eye and say
we rushed into anything. tell me you dont love me anymore.
you are the best actor i know..almost had me head over heels..
backflips...almost had me there
had me thinking that i loved you and you loved me
i remember you said you would always protect me...
but you cannot protect me from you...
why did i hand over my heart so quickly knowing what i knew
i knew what i was risking...
i realize how quickly you "got over" your ex
and how quick you were to move on.
im sad that you had to hurt someone in the process
but happy that im strong enough to handle it
but also happy that now maybe you can finally be happy...
take time to do you...
am i stupid...
this is where i say it was your loss and blah blahblah...but no this is obviously whats best for you.
maybe there is someone else involved maybe thats the true reason...
i hope she enjoys you while she has you...before you give her the we are through speech...
i hope you dont break her heart...i hope she doesn't cry. i hope she is just as strong as i am.
i hope as i think of it now that she doesn't break your heart...
because that would give me ohh too much to think about
think about how you left me ended up with her and now your all alone..
that look on your face when i know there is sadness in your heart.
so this is what the quiet after the storm is like. what its like after it is all over and all you can do is remenice and think of what should have been.
i guess there is nothing left to say but...goodbye. have a nice life.

The weekend

This weekend was fun but shadow was on punishment so he couldn't come hang with me... My friends came over Saturday and spent the night and we had ghetto breakfast in the morning! I was supposed to go see bubbles but I had not heard from her I guess she had something else to do :( maybe tomorrow we can watch our face movie band slam! I got to see ghost rider In the movie it was awesomeee! I wish shadow was there though...I hope he gets off punishment soon! I guess I will keep this post short because I don't know what else to say soo...

-blog ya later!