My weekend

Well this weekend has been packed. Friday I took the bus right after school to the mall with two of my friends to get fangs for my Halloween costume and look amazing by the way. And we hung out and laughed and joked and had soo much fun. Then after taking the bus back...things went wrong. So my guy friend gets off at his stop and my other friend gets picked up by her dad and I'm left waiting for a cab. The cab takes about 45 minutes to get there and I'm standing outside freezing at like 9:45 at night. I was ticked off. Once I got home I was fine though I made hot chocolate watched the vampire diaries and relaxed. Saturday was game day! It was our last home game of the season and I was pumped!! We actually won our game 35-21 this was the first game we have won all season! In the stands everyone was trying to get me to start the clap which would be so cool for a last game thing. We tried to get the drummers to learn it...but they said we were being fake and not all of them wanted to do it. I was more hurt about the reason they gave. I originally said they didn't have to if they didn't want but I figured they would want to because why not. They got offended and said we didn't want the, to learn it before so why now. We wanted the band to learn it first because we needed to become a closer unit. We didn't even know each others names... The drummers were doing fine. They sound amazing and they are close friends. I figured they could learn and then we would all d it together as a band. Who am I kidding though. Nothing ever works out that easily for me. Anyway at the mall on impulse I bought this whistle that was all Blinged out and my intention was to give it to the female drum major but I figured it might be awkward because we don't talk often and she would be like what the hell is she giving me this whistle for. Plus I don't think she likes me very much. So I gave it to the other senior who I call nemo :) He was the only senior who wasn't chosen to be a drum major so I figured for his last home game he deserved it. Quadfasa presented it to him and he loved it. It was pretty cool. Plus my freshman year I had practically the BIGGEST crush on him. But now he's going to college and what not -_- Alright today wasn't the best of the weekend considering the storm and what not. I've been feeling pretty dizzy all day and not in the best mood. My memory was pretty much shot this morning. I had to reread my journal and blog and you could understand why I wasn't to happy reliving painful memories. So I danced around a bit blasted my music painted my toes watched vampire diaries ate sushi watched the new walking dead. And it didn't hurt so bad anymore. I found a box under my bed and I forgot I even put it there it's just an old shoe box with caution tape around it and it has old letters and pictures and stuffed animals from past boyfriends. I didn't cry looking through it though. I was ok. I thought about throwing it away but something stopped me and I just put it back under my bed. I thought I was going to pass out earlier when my friend threatened to call my ex. You all know she's such a great friend (sarcasm). She's so frustrating. I don't know why I neeeded to know if she was going to call him or why she was threatening me to call him. That's her business right? Last time I checked I was pathetic for caring about it. I think he probably doesn't talk to her and she wants to be able to rub him in my face but the truth is he barely even knows her. Or he realizes there's a reason I didn't want them to talk before. It's cute honestly how she tries to hurt me and fails. The worst thing she could really do is put lies in his head about me. No actually the worst she could do is lie to my current boyfriend. Because she likes to manipulate people. Noo the worst thing she could do is give out my blog to people in my school. I might just have to crawl in a hole. No one needs to know my drama. Only people I absolutely trust ever get to see my blog. Even if we stop talking I never change my URL or make them stop reading because I still trust them. And I highly doubt if for whatever reason we aren't friends or we don't talk you would want to read my blog anyway. Food for thought: When someone asks how are you...they don't really want an answer. And If it is really love you can't walk away without a fight. Finally Smile when it hurts the most. And let the bad melt away. -blog ya later!

Satisfied

Like the title says right now I'm just satisfied. In a pretty good mood. Ive been watching the walking dead and SPOILER ALERT I thought Hershel was going to turn out to be a zombie and in Sundays episode Rick was such a badass though! Besides that terpsys starts on Wednesday so my schedule is about to be full! I'm excited and I've been waiting for it to start for a LONG time. For those of you who don't know terpsys is one of the dance programs at my school. It's a lot of hardworking and people may not consider dance a sport but we work just as hard as anyone else to achieve a goal. Maybe our goal isn't bench pressing twice our body weight but I am positive no one else can hit a triple turn leap into an arabesque. So continue to say it isn't a sport but I know I can do things you can't and if dancing were easy they would probably call it ping pong. Like seriously how can you say ping pong is a sport? Well I can argued actively all day that dancing is not only a sport but it is also an art form because the performer can portray an emotion which other sports normally don't get to do. Alright moving on... So I totally skipped telling you guys that I took the PSATS last week. It's honestly not as bad as I thought it would be. But it was just practice and I'm guessing the actual thing will be ten times harder. WHOA! I'm such a zero brain and I forgot to mention to you the battle of the bands thing. It was new to our area and three bands from the surrounding cities were invited my marching band being one of them. And before you all start questioning who won Et me tell you it wasn't an actual competition more like a showcase but of course everyone there was trying to see who the best band was. As far as sound and musicality go my band was by far the best. We played stay scheming and born to be wild and the time warp and a bunch of songs that everyone knows. But then the band that organized the showcase went all out. I mean they were chanting things and were doing choreography and as a band I know we felt threatened because we started playing louder than before and became more competitive. Then came the drumlins section of the performance. And it was truly the MOST entertaining thing to watch the first drumlins went up and shared base drums and pointed at each school which was cute. But what really set it off was when the "premier" school (the school that organized it) went on. The lights went out and the curtains were closed and when they came on stage and turned around they had on jabbowalkie masks. I couldn't even hold back my fan girl moment at that point. I knew if it were a competition that right then and there they had already won. They had choreography and they were dancing and sharing snares it was AMAZING! I knew our drummers who were backstage must have been rattled up. Because we didn't have anything like that prepared. Matter of fact we didn't move at all we stayed stationary and played a series of cadences. The rest of the band was trying to pump it up and show support we were yelling and clapping and being the best support wise. But we knew the other school was silently doing a victory dance. When our drummers finished some people from the audience (from the premier school) started shouting go home and nananana goodbye at our drmline. It was very rude. And I was sort of hoping that for next year we could add in some of that movement and take it to the next level like that. Because movement along with our already solid sound would make us the BEST band! And I have some ideas that could make the drmline portion of next years performance sooooo much better. But I know our drum line is sttubborn. They like to brag about being the best section of the band and whatever but I know for sure that performance must have humbled them. No more bragging. ONE BAND ONE SOUND! I know I could put together an amazing performance that could blow the premier school out of the water but because I'm not a drummer I know they won't even consider what I have to offer. Not saying they need my help or anything but me and a couple other of the band members are dancers we deal with choreography on a daily basis we could totally make something worth being proud of. I would have been frustrated if not embarrassed to be stationary after a big performance like that and at that point I was happy our rumors have good cadences and a supportive band. If they would only be more open to other peoples opinions swallow their pride and let us help. I could add elements to thicken the whole performance and add the entertainment factor. But being that the drum line could care less about anyone's opinion especially mine considering my ex I know they would be out for blood if I tried to step up and help. I figure we have one more year to get it together and if for our senior year next year they really want to go up there and play "clicks" and have the audience yelling at them. Then it's fine with me. The bus ride back with the band was horrific. Truly scary. People were ranting on and on about how we had good sound and the other band was just showing off and being rude. But honestly their band is a unit you could tell they at least all like each other they worked hard on their performance and I think they deserved to show off. If I was them I would have done it too! Maybe not yell at other bands to go home but I would be more proud of what I'm presenting. Either way let me wrap this up before it becomes a huge rant. I can help if everyone lets me. I know I have no authority to declare myself a leader in this band and maybe no one would agree with my ideas or think they look ridiculous but I'm sure once we finished they would be proud of their work regarless of what any other school was doing. And on a completely unrelated note I want to dye the ends of my hair a different color. It's between purple dark blue light blue and red! If my mom would let me I would be the happiest girl on earth. I don't want something that will fade then washout I want something that's at least semi permanent! I think it would look amazing I'm trying to change my look still anyway. I think I can do it if my momwould let me! She's so protective of my hair and it's not even hers. Doesn't she know that could only lead me too do stupid things with my hair when I am older then she would really be upset. On thanksgiving when I come home and I have dyed my hair white and shaved it into a spikes mow hawk! Then what she can't tell me anything! Let me experiment!!! Alright I'm done with this post now sooo... -blog ya later!

That awkward weekend when...

That awkward moment when your weekend is turned upside down. Firstly I had a football game where I had to march obviously because I'm in the marching band. And I don't want to deal with annoying questions yes my ex was there. No we haven't spoken. Ok so the first awkward thing that happened is I realized is my Band uniform was all messed up. The pants were high waters on me and the jacket is much too large. People don't know about my British accent up to now! It's a little frustrating now, people ask too many question about it. I'm not some British speaking robot. Quadfasa official; so theres this group in band of friends called quadfasa. Named after the original four (quad) and the rest is from mufasa from the lion king. Everyone gets an African name. Mine is in dispute between Leila and zazu. Guy who likes you appears out of nowhere. And it's awkward because my boyfriend absolutely hates him. And my "admirer" is still mad at me because I chose my ex over him back in sophmore year. But if I could do it all over again honestly I would have stayed single.nto save myself the trouble. Of falling for someone and letting someone fall for me. Just so no one gets hurt. People around me are always hurting or end up getting Hirt. Or even worse will hurt me. Then magically my ex from freshman year in the band stands. So I have these three guys there and I feel just plain awkward. Not angry but strange. I know they weren't looking at me but I felt like they were all just waiting for something big to happen. So as an upperclassmen I felt it was up to me to help bring the rest of the band together somehow. Tha drummers are a really close knit group and friends and it's really cool they got sweaters and they look amazing. So I decided the rest of the band seeing as how we barely know each others name should do something just for us.so I taught the band everyone this hand clap thing we could all do at the game. Mind you I had to come up with how to teach everyone and keep it a secret without the drum line knowing. Either way it's time. We are at fourth quater of the game. Ms (band teacher) gives me the signal to start the clap. I get up g to the front count it off. And I can feel the drummers confusion practically burning into me.we do the clap successfully the only problem is you can't hear it because we have so many layers on under our band uniform to keep us warm. Ultimately it was happy for us to accomplish the clap but a fail because only we know what it sounds like. Then my two cousins randomly show up. I loved having them there. But I knew something was going to go wrong. Turns out not only do they need a ride back home but they are too excited to go say hello to my ex. AWKWARD!!! They ask first if they can and I'm like "psh go ahead I ain't got nothing to do with that" but I didn't actually think they would. They go say hello and he almost completely ignores them. Or so they said. I didn't actually watch. I didn't want to see what would happen. I think he was either confused or afraid my older cousin might curse him out...again. After that my mom tells me about how my exes father and her were having a conversation. It's not awkward I guess cause its not like they broke up. En randomly my exes brother (the younger one) starts speaking to me. I thought he was avoiding me too. He used to be so happy and funny to talk to until his brother and I broke up. Then it was like he had to stay loyal to his brother and keep his distance. Which I completely understand. But we ended up actually having an amazing conversation. Then in the middle of half time my "best friend" calls me com Lining about my ex and how it's my fault they can't talk. I wanted to yell at her. And tell her she doesn't have the right to be mad at me. If she wants him she better try harder. And I wanted to curse her out and tell her if she were to even come close to hurting him I'd make sure she would regret it. But then I realized its not my responsibility to help everyone anymore. Some people have to learn on their own. I can't take in everyone and fix them up because then they will just forget all about me. Then my mother wins some raffle and get like $85.00! Not awkward but totally worth mentioning in this post. After that Guy who likes you forgets how to work thumbs and he complains to me I have to help him with his history assignment. Which would require personal like one on one time. Which I know would upset my boyfriend. So I opted to just call him and help him over the phone. But this guy has been trying to get me to his house for the longest. I've been there before and met his family. And they are all nice people but he isn't my boyfriend and he has to realize that. Then Sunday I went over to my best friends house to have a walking dead party. I'm new to the show but I'm in LESBIANS with it (Scott pilgrim reference)! I watched the tether seasons on Netflix and I was rudely reminded about my exs love for the show. -_- great I can't even enjoy tv without something reminding me. Somebody take pity on me.even in the back of my locker it still has a spot where he signed it. It says your boyfriend was here. And I cant get it off for the life of me. I scrubbed so hard but it just wouldn't come off. But my weekend was not a complete fail. I got home and danced it all out. I just danced away my demons. It was my own personal way of refreshing myself. And balanced was restored. Ok that's it for this post. I hope you got your fix of my drama and whatever you needed to know about my ex (ya stalkers)! Anyway just trying to give the people what they want. Love you all. - Blog ya later!

WHAT NOW?!

You people don't listen! What's with all these questions. Are you people obsessing over my ex...what's the deal? Number one question I see is if I would get jealous or upset if he dates my friend. Lol he can do whatever he wants, it truly has nothing to do with me. AT ALL! Then i get what would you say if he said he wants to get back together?! Honestly, it's cute that you guys have hope in is. And it's strange how you think my life is going to be some fairy take ending and we jump through the flowers and live happily ever after. It's all fantasy, as in it's not going o happen. You must not have read those messages from that earlier post. Then I get do I want to curse him out. If I wanted to curse him out I would have done it. But I don't hate him. Matter fact I can't hate him or anyone for that matter. It seems fake for a person to just suddenly hate someone just because they broke up. Yesturday you were just saying I love you and now you wanna act like you didn't even like that person...really quit being fake suck up your pride admit your mistakes and move on. you people crack me up seriously. For those who still even now don't seem t get it. No we aren't getting back together. No I don't hate him. No I don't want to curse him out. No I wouldn't be jealous if he got a new girlfriend. No to everything! Sheesh you people are worse than my parents, with all the questions and what not! Don't you have anything better to do rather than read about the drama and inner conflict of a highschool girl? Don't get me wrong I love you all but seriously I can't keep writing about him. It's driving me up the wall. He may read this still! Then what are you people going to do? Your going to hang your head in shame and appreciate that this isn't your drama. I can't even see who reads my blog you could all go to my school for I know. He could read my every word and get pissed or take it the wrong way hate me more. Honestly this is my blog and I write what I want. I'm not going to censor myself here especially if I can't tell other people about these issues. I like you guys though. You seem more real than some people I know. Annoying at times but curious and to that one girl who was trying to give me advice on how to seduce him back into my arms or whatever it was you were trying to say. I'm happy in my relationship and even if I wasn't I'm not capable of seducing anyone into doing anything! And it's funny that you think I could pull half of that stuff off. At least someone has faith in my seducing skills. Lol Ohh wait this was a good question. " when was the last time you looked him in the eyes." I think the last time I really just looked at him was around when we broke up. I didn't actually allow it to click in my brain that I was being dumped like old cafeteria food. I heard him but the words weren't I'm breaking up with you lets just be friends... I even hugged him before we walked different ways. I remember making it outside the door and I finally got it. It started to seep in. I didn't cry at that moment, but everything was just off. I didn't know where I was going or what I was trying to do. I remember walking in a circle around the school trying to get to my locker. And then getting into my car and not telling my mother. But writing on my blog as soon as I could. That post explained my confusion and understanding. I was confused because I was hurt and sad but yet I didn't cry or yell or curse I just wrote on my blog quietly. I wrote harsh words yet I didn't feel resentment towards him. I did feel that he was almost right in some ways. We rushed and things happened faster than I even could realize. But if we truly rushed into it. We should have noticed earlier before feelings could run deep. Ya know what I mean? Someone asked if I only write on my blog in hopes that he will read it and aproach me. I have a feeling you only think that because you believe if we do talk sparks will fly or some movie ccrap will happen...it won't. I know even if he reads every post he isn't rushing to come talk to me about the thesis of it all! He would have done it already. And he's got too much pride and I wouldn't know what to say, how to say it, or how to even hold the conversation. So for you #teamSHADOW people. Maybe you should talk to him and get his side of the story. My side is pretty biased... Or just abandon your hopes for rekindling past flames. IT'S TOO LATE. And on a completely different note totally unrelated I GOT MY PERMIT! It's pretty official and I can drive around legally and what not now. It's awesome!! I take my road test in April and im as ready as I can be. My parallel parking is doing well and besides that my overall driving is pretty good if I do say so myself. I cannot wait to have my license I'll be driving everywhere! No stopping me! I'm outta here y'all! -Blog ya later P.s. shadowers...you need to get a new hobby I'm sure this is not a logical thing to get time invested into! Lol Paycee!

Woah o.O

Ok from my comments I'm getting that you guys are confused. And I also see you evil sons of btches like my pain! Nonetheless the questions I get are always about my ex... (whom I said I wouldn't write about again) but these comments are out of control. What is team shadow?! My life isn't like that TV show awkward! I'm not having to choose between my boyfriend and my ex... This post feels so awkward for me. So I will just address the questions. So me and the friend who was messaging my ex... We are friends still.. I do believe she lied about certain things she said. (ex: he is not gay). I have probable cause to know he isn't gay...she does message me occasionally but more to talk about him then a polite hello. She likes asking questions about him now like favorite color and birthday and what not. I always tell her the same thing though...I don't really know him anymore. I know who he was AROUND ME last year! People change. GET OVER IT! It's not like I know nothing about him it's just my info it's obsolete..lol it's out of date! I'm not sure if she's obsessed with him or just wants me to talk about him...I have a feeling about three things. One. They haven't really talked as much as she says Two. She doesn't like him she likes how he hurt me. Three. She wants me to either talk to him or curse him out. I'm not sure it's just what I feel. She loves drama she's like a creepy fan of my dramatic life. And she knows I can only turn to my blog and only the people who reading this blog will see her how she really is. And a lot of you are angry with me for being her friend still. And I would tell you why I have to be her friend but I can't. It's a deep part of my past and it's buried now. So me and shadow...there's nothing to answer. He ignores my existence and I pretend not to care. And I talk to practically his whole family besides him. Just Friday I had a nice conversation with his mother. She's an awesome parent.anyone who thinks otherwise IS WRONG! Me and my boyfriend... He's always there for me. But I feel like I am now more cautious about who I trust and I'm afraid of everything. I'm almost back to that stage where I have a fear of people touching me. I notice that i am sort of pushing the people who care about me most away. I love my boyfriend I truly do. But I catch myself sometimes, when I'm happy and smiling and laughing and I get depressed and realize that will look back on moments like that when we can't be together anymore ( because he is graduating).I know it's bad to think that way but I do it a lot. Mostly with males. I think oh so you want something from me too or your just using me or tomorrow we won't even be friends will we. I always feel like everyone just wants a piece of me. And I'm afraid to be stripped down to the bone. I have issues with commitment when it comes to long term things like children and marriage. I just wanna crawl in a hole and die. I get that anxious just talking about it. Me and mr.wise not sure if you remember mr.wise from earlier posts but there once again isn't much going on with him. He doesn't even go to my school. He's focused on his football and what nots. We talk once in a blue moon. Someone asked why I don't call my ex shadow on here anymore. And it's a good question. I realize it's probably cause it has too many memories wrapped up in it. Just the title. And the reason I gave it to him was cause it sounds mysterious and sexy. The mystery part is still very much accurate. Just when I think I know all there is too know he always gives a plot twist. And as for the sexy part...lol well no comment. Another person asked why I don't give my current boyfriend the name shadow. It's because I don't want him to have that name on him. It will weigh us both down. And I won't bring him too that level. As for my poems...I write them still but they aren't very happy, and they make no sense what's so ever if you aren't me. On a different note if you remember back when I gave advice on tulip and Tom or was it Tim I forgot what his name on here was... She's doing well in her recovery. Mostly because her ex in her words "has put on a couple pounds" and " looks depressed all the time." and no I didn't say that she did. It made it easy for her to say haha fuck you that's what you get. And I totally get it. It's probably the wrong approach to the situation but that's her business. I know tulip had a crush on my ex last year and I'm pretty sure he was felling it too. But her crush went away over the summer. I know she still sees him as attractive ( because she's told me so) but she's not going to go there with him. Besides all of this my dance clubs are slowly but surely coming in to season. And I'm anxious to dance out all of this stress I'm carrying around. If I had a therapist I'm sure she would tell me it's unhealthy to be so stressed at my age, or out me on anti depression meds. Which I do not want at all! I'm happy...well I'm content with how my life is going now. Oh someone commented...in big bold letters if I miss my ex. And I'm going to answer this truthfully for those who are confused. After reading those messages I was hurt and sort of confused about how I should react to it all. I DO NOT hate him. But I know it's too late. The damage is done. I understand we can't really maintain a friendship if we can't even stand to look at each other. And I hear him in band and I see him but I cant get down on a level to talk to him. What would I say, how would he react. Would he be upset that I even tried would he end up yelling and curse me out would I cry...would he cry? It's too unpredictable and honestly we both have to much pride to be the bigger person and suck it up. I'm afraid to and he genuinely doesn't care...or so I think. So I miss knowing how to talk to him and the friendship we had before we even started dating. That was such a pure friendship. We looked out for each other. We were almost like each others therapist. It was good, while it lasted. But like I said I KNOW IT'S TOO LATE. It's over I get it. I'm recovering best I can and trying to be civil about the whole thing. People tell me I'm passive aggressive which means randomly I could just explode and let all this bad energy out one way or another. But if he truly feels it is funny for me too feel that way. It lessens how much I miss that friendship. It wasn't a nice thing to say and yeah I was taken aback by the whole comment. The first comment and the last one made me cry if you want me to be honest. It was not very long before I pulled it back in though. Bottled it all up and after that I took like a three hour shower. I always take one when I don't feel to good. I can be alone and I feel like I'm washing away my troubles. I'm refreshed and if only for a little while its only about me. I can let my mind go blank I can sing obnoxiously loud and off pitch I can heat up the bathroom. I'm free of worldly issues.then I go and write one of my poems that wnt make sense to other people I call my boyfriend and put on the best "I'm the happiest person alive" voice and I talk with him until i have to get rest. By the time u get up for school I brace myself for seeing my ex and tell myself, well I remind myself it's over. Because like I said earlier with having that concussion a while back sometimes I honestly forget things. Or I'll forget little facts. I sing crappy hood music and blast my headphones while I do my homework and I try to ignore myself. Because honestly in my head I talk wayyyy to much. I worry to much about nothing. About my health is almost the only logical thing I have to worry about. So this post was never supposed to be this long. But since I answered all the questions I hope you guys will drop the topic of my ex. You want answers then it's probably nothing I can do to answer them at this point...I'm sorry. As for #teamSHADOW! It's not going to happen...don't believe me go back and read the messages between him and my "friend" Let him tell you first handedly that there's no hope of a friendship. Sorry to crush your strange dreams of us being friends or dare yu even say getting back together but honestly I'm not going to lie to any of you or myself. I have a boyfriend and my ex is happy I guess with how things are. If not he will change them and I promise you guys will be the first ones to know... (sarcasm) So goodnight and try not to stress this shadow thing...please ask me anything else you want though feel free to get s personal as you would like <3 love you all. -blog ya later!