The Beginning of the End.

It's happened. And I feel like a weight has been lifted. I swear Ok ok let's rewind. On Wednesday I auditioned for the school play right? And the next day shadow added me on Facebook and liked something on Instagram and something in me just went fuck it. And I messaged him. I'm gonna explain the conversation to you and then how I felt about it. I said "Shadow what are you doing?" "I don't even know" " I don't know what to say." "You don't have to say anything. I do" "You do?" "I'm sorry for what I did. I should have told you why... Do you want to know why" "Tell me" "Ok. I really love you for real. It might sound like corny bullshit but I just felt like you had all this love to give and I wasn't able to return it. I didn't feel like I deserved an amazing relationship because I'm not used to that and it was selfish of me but I don't feel like I deserve you. So I put on this mask like I don't care but its been eating at me every fucking day and I know the last thing you need is to see all this but I just can't hold back anymore." -PAUSE RIGHT THERE- Anyone else notice how that is all present tense? Alright so what does this mean. I'm so confused at this point. I'm sad mostly. And questioning everything. I'm wondering why he never said anything it will be a full two years of us not talking and looking at each other in march. HE broke up with ME. Right? So what all of a sudden changed and me it ok now. What am I doing different right now? For both of my exes to start talking to me? Why today this day... (Thursday) fast forward in school we go to call backs because of course we are both amazing actors. Not but really I had no idea what I was doing. But I had to leave early amount other people because we had a game that day and had to be back at band. So what do they do they say "Alexia Lorenzo go up and read for David and Monica" My brain exploded at this point. The scene is there are two actors and the girl goes over to his house to practice the lines because she's confused about that transitions but he has other plans and refuses to be turned down. So what all of this means is I'm sitting next to him and he PUTS HIS ARM AROUND ME and I stiffen like what are you doing and I start to regret coming because I can tell he has an agenda... They made us do like four scenes back to back to back. And I had to look at him there was no way around it. His character is supposed to be like smug and cocky. But on his face it was a mix of emotions. But you could see the character mask falling over him. We jump of the stage and I look at him and say "how did I know that was going to happen" he points up and says "Jesus" and I chuckle a bit and well.. It couldn't possibly get any more awkward. I really wanted the Monica part. But some sophmore got it honestly I can't remember who the girl is but she's probably taken a theater class as to where I haven't. I got the understudy of Sally the nervous innocent naive assistant. And I'm fine with that because I can act nervous any day. And she has a fun character. At our school the seniors usually get special considerations for parts so its weird. I'm not complaining though. And shadow got the part of David I think. ANYWAYS... Back to the conversation the day before... I tell him "Shadow don't lie to me, just tell me the truth." I honestly couldn't believe anyone could love someone and not speak to or even look at them for two years and sit there in agony. He proceeds to tell try and convince me that his intentions are true and I half believe him. Or we'll part of me wants to believe him. It's just so darn peculiar the timing and all I mean. I told him if he wants me to believe him he would call me. And he did. We spoke for exactly 22 minutes and it was somewhere around 11 at night. I cried a bit on the phone. And when I say a bit I mean ugly death screeching cry that I'm sure he heard and laughed at later. So we hang up and the next day was Friday I believe we had a game and he spoke to him like in person and stuff it was great. We have been talking on a regular now. And texting and he says he still has feelings for me. Which I don't know quite yet if I trust. And I dunno how I feel about him really. Seeing how we hang talked in so long. It's was torture... But honestly just talking to him eased a lot of my stress I swear my skin started clearing up I wasn't breaking out or anything but like its clearer now. And I lost a couple pounds which is strange but awesome. And we speak anytime we see each other which is AMAZEBALLS. But valentine and Hacker decided I was being way too nice to him to which shadow had agreed so I don't exactly know what to do. I don't know what I'm doing currently at the moment I'm just happy I said something. But it's causing problems with them that I don't want. But I'm finally at peace with the whole thing and I kind of just want them to be happy with that. Oh and then there's JD who came to visit me and he also wants me back so I dunno I think I'm feeling kind of sexy right now... Am I allowed to say this? I don't care I deserve to say it. After all the hell JD put me through. I mean like he hit me and yelled at me and cursed me out and half ass broke up with me through Facebook and I still forgave him. But that doesn't mean I trust him. And shadow he...well you know his story and I STILL FORGAVE even him. Needless to say I'm in a good mood lets see how long it lasts.

I can't make this stuff up...

So that last post where again I was freaking out about shadow let me just start where I left off...I was talking about how I would go about approaching shadow...it's odd but I want to I. Just afraid and something is telling me to stop being a punk but I'm not sure. He's giving me some mixed signals between the tail gate and Instagram and band and not really looking or saying anything too me it all gets jumbled in my mind and at some points I'm like yeah man I can go talk to him right now no problem and then when I actually get the opportunity I freeze up and decide its best not to bother him. But at the end of that post I talk about having three classes with him... Well now it's four.... He switched into my absolute favorite class I have this year. Which was Liteerature and Cinema Honors and its a film adaptation class and its just perfect. He strolled in and I was just completely caught off guard. I was soo ready it was last period and I was amazed and excited to be in the class and then I was soo surprised it scared me. I overreacted yeah ill admit it. But I freak out easily don't judge me! So before we even start I ran to the little girls room and man I locked myself in that stall and just tried to center myself and focus. I knew he wasn't going to say anything too me it was just soo ironic that the day I write I can't believe I have three classes with him he ends up being in a fourth Valentine is convinced it's a sign and I need to talk to him in order to have a peaceful senior year. Otherwise all the emotion in me will just tear me apart. So I cried just a quick little tear droplet in the bathroom before I felt silly in embarrassed for crying over something so little that I made so big. And I came back to class and went right back into the I don't even see you mode... Which I know it's wrong but if I acknowledge he's there trust me some things would go down literally and in my mind. Fastfoward today I auditioned for the school play ( we are doing rehearsal for murder) and I'm not an actress at all never taken a real class or anything I was nervous as hell super scared I was shaking I even considered not even trying and of course who is there...? Shadow of course he is there for the audition too. And it's open auditions so that means everyone sees. Luckily I didn't have to go first or anything. He went and his monologue was about brothers and there inward and outward struggle in their household and it was appropriate and too the point he did a good job. Amd I was sort of hoping he would leave before I had to do my monologue because well he makes me a little nervous and shy. And plus I had written my monologue while other people were auditioning... I wrote it myself out in the hall way. And I didn't memorize it and again IM NOT EVEN AN ACTRESS... So of course I'm freaking out. I told them it was untitled but truthfully it was just something I made up.so they call my name and my heart is banging around in my chest of course he stays to see... And that makes me more nervous I get on stage luckily I remember how to walk up steps. I move the props around and set it up so I knock on a door and tell this man I need to talk to him and I tell him how I know he's heard all I have to say but I'm desperate for him to hear me. It was a nicely written monologue in my opinion for the amount of time I wrote it in. So I used my nerves to make it seem like I was just afraid to talk to the man I used my nervous shake for good! And I tried to look as teary eyed as possible until suddenly I wasn't faking anymore and it was all so real I felt like I was talking to a man who needed to hear me and I was in tears on stage infront of shadow who I couldn't see thank goodness. And I just read half of it before i practically ran off stage I just didn't read the entire thing. I am told that shadow had his head down at some points and he was leaning toward at others. I'm not sure what that means so I'm trying hard not to over analyze it. Valentine said it seemed to "move him" I guess that's a good sign...I think...I hope. Anyways I got a call yesterday from my work buddy ill call him Todd and he says I heard you were twerking at the tail gate and I kinda just laughed it off cause it was awkward. So he goes on to tell me in detail a conversation with shadow and his friend "bill" bill says to him "dude she was totally looking at you during the tailgate" to which I'm not sure his reply was and then he goes on to say "she was just showing you what you missed out on" and I guess he probably just to,d Jim to shut up. I don't think Todd lied to me well because he didnt even go to the tailgate and I did look at shadow while I was dancing. But in my defense I wasn't trying to tease him or make him feel bad it's just that when I dance I'm fearless I can look people in the eye anyone and I won't be intimidated. So I did. And it made me feel good to have that power for just a second like I made an effort to at least acknowledge his presence. Which may or may not have pissed him off. I just don't know really. How I should gauge his emotion and reaction any more I mean we haven't said or even looked at each other in two years I have no idea why kind of person he is now because I'm si he has changed. I just can't gauge where I fall on his level of hatred scale right now. I kinda wish he'd blog about it and I just knew everything instead if guessing it would be soo much easier i need a sign a clear sign that I can't approach him without worrying i might die because he just glares me down... Lord just give me a sign I swear ill say something... If he would just y something anything just a hi. A wave shit ill take any attempt at this point. I've got everything I think down on a public site that he can look at whenever he wants but I doubt he saved the UrL after we broke up. Which isn't a horrible thing because imagine he read every post... Wat he would think... Oh. My. God. He would be so creeped out I think or would it make him want to say something who knows... Man who knows this is the one situation I can't think my way out of. If I don't say anything and he doesn't ill graduate feeling that he is the only person to cu me off completely and never at least say I'm sorry. Even JD said sorry and JD did some fucked up shit to me. Ad I forgave him no problem. I just need a form of closure so I can not feel like a terrible person. Because honestly that's what's eating me alive is I made a mistake and I'm not sure i can fix it. And after this year I don't have the option to fix it at all... So bloggers what do I do? Tell me be honest comment your opinion email me if you want at lexilove2244@aol.com ill try to respond to everyone. And I'll answer all questions. Until I decide what to do I uses my blog will be filled with my melodramatic renditions of how hard it is to over think high school drama and relationships and how I feel like a terrible person. And wait back up let me tell you something crazy... Today in band I physically saw him speaking to his previous ex. Before me. The girl who broke him. Se had him by the balls I swear. The reason I spoke to him to help him and help him get closure. The girl he couldn't stand and didnt trust. Yah her. He spoke to her no problem today. And yeah I looked. I admit it but I was totally not expecting it. I was sure he hated her too. But I don't know what it is about her that drives all men to fall in love with her and never be able to stay mad at her but she must be blessed with something serious I swear man. I wish I could say I was jealous of her. But I wouldn't trade my life with hers if you paid me money. I'm ok with myself and my abilities even though I'm afraid of someone younger than me. And I can't look him in the eye. I still believe I have good intentions and somehow I can possibly fix this. I hold hope that I can make it right at some point and lift this load off my shoulders I just need a sign. A hello a hi a wave a blog something that can signify I have the green light to say something. And then I can deal with what to say and how to say it. And hold up rewind again tomorrow are readings for the play after school and then band so ill see him twice during school then twice after school and what if we both get cast. There's no avoiding him then....what do I do? Man I'm so lost and confused the drama of a high school girl. I can't wait to show this to my children and be like see I really was a teenager once everything your going through I already did seriously and here is the proof. They would probably be too busy with their iPhone 200 to read it but maybe it could help them somehow not make the mistakes I have. I'm proud to say I have good grades I maintain a somewhat healthy body I am still a virgin thank god and I seem to have a bright future ahead of me. And that's what I want for my children. I want them to be amazing at everything. Anyways I promise to post again freaking out about more pointless little things soon. And I can't wait to share with you the next little shadow story next time ill see him first thing tomorrow anyway so I'm sure something eventful is going to happen... I promise to tell you all about it. Wish me luck guys... And pray I get a role in this play!! And send me strength to get over this uphill battle I just want to put it too rest sooo bad... Thanks everyone for taking time to read my obnoxiously long posts that have no real plot or anything just drama about my life so until next post... -Blog ya later

Someone just shoot me

I can't do this. It's killing me. Valentine sort of went off on me yesterday about talking to my ex and I need to just get it over with now. So I don't have to hurt anymore. But nothing can help. I know that why because o woke out of my sleep last night trying to rationalize something to put together to even say but I can't. I can't even fathom how I would sit infront of him and look him in the eye. I got as far as convincing myself that I would simply do just that. I'd sit across from him and say this: " I need a big favor from you" and he would probably looK up shocked a little and nod yes I would tell him "please don't say anything to do anything just wait until I finish cause it took a lot for me to gather up the courage to say anything to you." I would proceed to say I am sorry for not treating you like a person because ever since we broke up I decided it would be easier to ignore you and pretend you weren't there until I graduate but I see I can't do that. I am tired of looking through you instead of at you. And it's becoming increasingly difficult to act like your not there and that I am ok with you in three of my classes. I'm tired and I can't act like you aren't there if you address the whole band. And if this is a problem where you feel like you would much rather act like I don't exist key me know now and I will change my schedule completely if I have to. I will switch out of math and study hall but I refuse to switch out of band because of you. I only have one year left and if I quit it won't be because I let you discourage my strength it will be because of myself. I'd tell him I know my mom went to his house after we broke up and although I have no idea what she said to you but I am sorry I didn't know she was going to do that and I wasn't even home when she did. I'm apologize but I just can't pretend anymore. You followed me on Instagram and it caught me off guard I know I read far too deeply into it and you probably just followed me because of whatever you thought about the tail gate but just so I don't over think that and make it something it isn't. So let me know what your willing to do and I'll adjust." Right there I would stop talking completely look at him for as long as it takes and wait for his response. If he even cared at all to respond. After about one minute if he doesn't respond I'd have to just leave. I'd be crushed but I would have to switch my schedule. But it would kill me. I like my schedule and I'd still have to see him for band. After all that I might just cry but I would at least know that it could never work out where we could at least be civil with each other.i know at least I made an effort. And I would be at peace. And I would never feel like we had unfinished business because it would be done. So when people come up to me and they have the need to tell me everything about shadows life. And I wonder if its lies and why they feel compelled to tell me. I've heard some crazy shit. Shit I really hope isn't true. I've heard gay stories and sex stories and love stories and trifling stories. I've heard the worst of the worst trust me. And now if someone comes up to me I can be like its none of my business and it doesn't concern me. But on the flip side he could be like yeah I'm tired too. And I would be very happy. Like ecstatic. And I don't know how really to go about not looking last him and acting like he isn't there. And wondering if he hates me. I don't know how to interact with him really anymore I haven't looked him in the eye since sophomore year. By I think I'd be just fine figuring out how I would go about learning how I could do that. I would have done it today but the teacher took the seat across from him... When I muster up the courage to say all that will be the day everything changes... Aright I'm done period about to end. Bye y'all!!! - Blog Ya Later!

Senior year

So well I'm a senior guys :) it's exciting and scary and beautiful. I've only been a senior for five days really and soooo much has happened already. You have no idea ill go back in my next post and go over my summer. Which was amazing and horrible and ill explain why. So in the very few days I've been a senior I've had scheduling issues and my work load has me scared I'm taking honors and AP classes. My ap psych class and intro to stat and call class scare me! I've already gotten homework. And then there's the band situation. I was really considering quitting for many reasons. I always get sick in band. I get anxiety. My flute buddy quit so lessons are going to kill me. The mid term. And we'll shadow. He wasn't the reason I wanted to quit technically. I just knew in my mind I could avoid the inevitable by switching out. There would be no more awkward glances and ignoring and overall no reminder I felt that we couldn't be in the same room for another year because at the time I really believed he hated everything about me. And having to be trapped in an 85 minute class wasn't helping me any seeing him like every other day. Let me remind you of my last boyfriend JD. Remember how I explained everything that happened. Well let me remind you. He broke up with me through Facebook once purposely to hurt me he said because he was angry but he took it back. He has hit me before. And oh during terpsys he started harassing me. He admitted to harassing me and only stopped when I cried. Mind you I'm not really the crying type. He had cut me off just as shadow had done and just as he promised he wouldn't and it hurt me. Yes I broke up with him officially but that's because he didnt treat me right. You don't hit a girl especially not one you love. So he cut me off but then he graduated so I didn't have to see him and I hadn't heard from him all summer. And I stopped worrying about it. And one day he just poked me on facebook randomly for no apparent reason. So I poked back and we were in like a poke war before I decided to stop being a punk and I texted him. I know your all thinking why didn't I just do that with shadow but I'm going to get to that trust me this is a very long story that took place over a few days. So I said to him are you just going to poke me or are you going to say hi. And he responded (rather fast) he told me he moved in with his sophmore in high school girlfriend and they live in Georgia... Which was startling. We talked and texted back and fourth for like three days before he dropped the bond. He said he missed me and he knows he screwed up but he still wants to be with me and a lot of stuff I just couldn't understand why. I cried. I cried for a long time not really knowing why. But it was because I needed it. I needed his apology because you couldn't believe the horrible things he said to me. But he was still living with his GIRLFRIEND in frigging Georgia which is very far from me. Fast forward a couple days. His girlfriend reoriented and refill owed me on Instagram and Facebook which I knew want she knew something and wasn't happy. I had nothing to hide though I didn't do anything to him. She asked me to show her our conversations. I asked if she was sure and so I did. She was very hurt and upset but appreciative that I was kind enough to even showed her. I know she hates me but in my conversations with JD I begged him not to hurt her and give up on her because I know what it feels like from him and other people. And I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. And she knew I had nothing to hide. It came to a point where she made a big mistake she broke up with him THROUGH TEXT MESSAGE. Wrong. He was out of the house anyway and she wanted to talk and he was no where to be found. It was crazy it came to a point where they were both texting me. I was telling him to go back home and helping her get him back. They ended up breaking up but it was on a very good note they still speak and they don't hate each other and well I don't think it would have been easy if I hadn't said anything. So right now JD is on a train on his way to New York and he wants to visit me. I'm afraid to see him. I don't know if I will hug him or hit him or both. I do not trust him at all. And so then it's our first game day yesterday right. That means we had our first pep rally and a tailgate (indoor cookout) and then I had to march for the game. So lets start at the beginning. The pep rally was amazing seniors painted their faces and screamed the loudest and we had confetti and it was amazing. Ad then there was the tail gate. Everything changed there. They used the same DJ as my party so the music was amazing but people (besides me) weren't really dancing. They were standing around and eating. So they decided to have a dance contest. I wanted to do it but I decided not to. Because I would have to go to band soon to prep for the game. But I had time still. Someone else signed me up. And I'm standing by the DJ shaking and nervous all scared they made us go one by one and I ended up going last. Keep in mind who ever one the contest wins $20. So everyone goes and he puts on a random song and they dance for like 25 seconds. It's my turn I move up onto the stage area. And I'm nervous and scared but he puts on body party by Ciara and I look up firstly cause its my song and secondly because shadow is right there in the audience and there was a moment where I just said fuck it and I started dancing. Mid performance everyone yelling and getting hype I couldn't help it. I walked over a bit looking shadow right in the face. And I don't know what made me do it. When I dance I am fearless and I surely wasn't afraid. And then I dropped right down into a split and everyone started screaming and it was scary. I snapped right out of my trance and I kind of got up and walked away from the audience as fast as possible. Needless to say I won the contest and the twenty bucks. But someone asked for me to go again which I hadn't heard. So I just thought we were doing a rematch it was just some horny guy. And he puts on dont drop that thun thun thun... And I'm nervous all over again and suddenly something clicked and I'm dancing I am fearless. And I walk over to the group of guys and I'm dancing and I wouldn't call it twerking but I was really moving lol I actually can't twerk but don't tell them that... So firstly someone poured water on me and I heard money too. And I turn around to face them and they are charging at me all of them full force like falling over chairs and slipping on. Water it was scary. I got the money and I ran out. It seemed all my confidence disappeared right then and there. It felt like everyone had heard what happened people were going insane everywhere I turned someone was talking about it. And I tried to escape to the bathroom and put on my marching uniform and who do I run into? None other than shadows mom. Mind you I love this woman she's amazing and funny and everything we still say hi and we are very cordial so she says to me I saw you dancing and i can't even speak I was so shaken I didn't even know she was there. I said oh goodness and thank you and ran back to the band room as fast as I could. Avoiding all people. I took out my flute and 30 minutes later I was marching for pre game. And no one could reach me. I was safe. Mid game we were down 6-7 it starts lightening. And I hate it. It really scares me. The game got postponed and I headed home. And more things happen. So there were videos of me dancing on Instagram people loved it which I appreciate and it's not like I haven't danced in public but no one really knows I can dance. So I have a billion people liking my pictures and following me randomly I posted the video myself too. I could hardly recognize myself I was so confident and it felt good. Of the billions of notifications and stuff I'm following everyone back right and I stop on one request in particular... Imagine my surprise to see that shadow had sent me a request. I flipped out honestly. I cried. Hard that's what my third time crying and I don't know what came over me I was shaking and crying and I couldn't think straight I kept thinking why today why now how did he find me what does this mean. He could give two shuts about me yesterday and now since I danced you follow me. Or is that coincidence? I have no idea I call valentine and he tells me to relax and he calms me down and he tells me I have to talk to him I just don't know how to. It's not easy. He just isn't approachable and he scares me terribly. And I'm afraid. Ok. I'm really afraid to and I admit it. When I catch him looking at me I swear I can't breathe or when I found out I had a class with him besides band. I couldn't breathe and I couldn't think. Everything was blurred together. I was happy and sad. I followed him back and it was like throwing salt on an old wound I swear. Everything just came back (not like it went anywhere). I looked at his pictures and I asked who is this person. And why am I freaking out. I stopped freaaking out and I became content. Meaning whether it was just because of the dancing or not it was at least an attempt and now I think it's my turn. And we'll today I switched my schedule around and I accidentally ended up in his study hall class. And I know he's probably thinking I'm stalking him now but it wasn't like that I didn't know he was here. How could I know?? So now I have him in three classes. And he's gonna get listed off or well he will ignore which I wish I could say I was okay with. But I can't look through him anymore it takes so much energy and it hurts a little each time. I know he doesn't spend anytime hurting over me and I know he doesn't care and I still feel so trapped why. Why is it we allow things to go on without just fixing it. So what am I to do? Do I let it go and continue ignoring him for the last of my senior year or do I suck it up. And if I decide to punk out...will he?? I wish. I just wish. People are starting to notice me typing now so I have to go and the class is almost over. I have to get out. So I can think straight so until later. -Blog ya later!