Because I'm THAT bitch.

Yeah that's right I may mess with your head and remind you of all the lies you said. But I'm real. I can look everyone I know in the eye. I'm sick of fading into the background. Im gonna laugh until my face is my favorite shade of purple and keep on laughing. Realize my mistakes and apologize for what I said. But stop beating myself up for having normal human emotions...why you might ask. Well it's cause I'm that bitch. Not derogatory. I love my womenhood and use it to my advantage. But if your gonna call me that behind my back anyway I'll take your "nickname of endearment" and roll with the punches. That girl you knew is gone so don't act like you know this "bitch" look all you want but just don't stare I don't like the attention. I just wanna live my life. Because if you don't are why the hell should I. Maybe I'm too nice, or too thoughtful. Maybe I peaked a couple of times to and I noticed you noticing me and once you noticed me noticing you we both looked away. And that awkward gap in time happens where you wonder if you had just imagined it all.but I refuse to forget that person who made me laugh but I realize now that you aren't and will never be that person again. I hope you do the same. Maybe you'll take on this "I'm that bitch" mentality too. Maybe I'll start a new trend. Like when your tired of it all you escape to your happy place and become that "bitch" who managed to smile when she had every reason to break down. When you think your about to lose it and you can't take it anymore and you don't care who sees you just gotta get it off your chest and your at the point when you've built up so much fire yourhands start to itch and sweat furiously.that moment when you have emotions so bold that you feel like its too much like at this point anything could happen and I could really break you down mentally or make you cry spiritually that I would still blame it on you because I'm done being that puppet. You know what I mean that person who does what needs to be done because no one else will. Or that person who would help the ignorant because they can. Or that person who cares just a little too much so you nose your way into a dying relationship forcing yourself to believe your fixing hearts when all your doing is breaking and old bond and sewing a new one to your own heart. You realize now that you aren't a puppet of anything not of your parents of society of your friends or even that ex you never got over because you werent the one to say its over. But you realize your that "bitch" the one everyone envies because your the truest soul there is out there. And you still stay happy. You don't need approval from society and satisfaction from friends and remorse from an ex you need yourself and not a care in the world. Your young and wild and free. And that's why I'm glad to admit that I'm THAT "bitch"

Final journal entry...

This one is the last most recent entry... Underneath it says last poem from the shadow era. I'm guessing that means something big is going to happen. Or I'm just about done writing about it and ready for a new topic. This was the day I realized tulip liked shadow. This is also when I knew he liked her and I had lied to myself the whole time. And this last entry needed a post of its own just because of its own signifigance to me. I hope I never make a mistake and sell my happiness. Go get happy: 5/9/12 I knew it all before it even happened. And yet it never occurred to me that it would. I knew that I was just the mistake, the temporary lapse in judgement...the replacement. I wish I hadnt lied to myself. I knew every time he uttered those insane words that they weren't for me. He was saying I love you because your safe and I can't even admit to myself that my last still has my heart. And I love you because you help me get closer to my next. So even though your my present you can no longer be my gift.im just here to make you smile temporarily, and your just there to love me temporarily. After all that it only hurt me to know I can't even hate you like most girls do. Because it was never about me. I just wanted to lift the weight from your heart placed there by the EXample of a mistake you won't make again. I see just how you love to hide your love your nEXt. I see how you act around her. And I won't lie I will miss your manipulating ways but I will not miss this pain. I wish I wasn't right. but if your can do nothing else for me. At least finish my mission, go get happy. Find yourself in a new light. Lose yourself in a new girl smile just because. And finally take the time to know who you really are. Know who you befriend and understand who you cut off and know who will alays be there for you.i know we can never be friends because that's the way it is. But never forget or ignore the time we spent and the moments we shared because I need my time not to go to waste. Show me that at least I didnt mistake who you truly are. I know you as the guy with good intentions but executes them wrong. But stay in my past because you can't be my gift any longer. Go get happy. -goodbye.

Journal posts (raw and uncut) No.2

I belong to me: 4/24/12 Today I waited for you to come home with the rest of me. I felt lost and confused and as time passed I kept losing myself. I never knew what it was like to only be half alive until I waited for you to bring me the air I breathe the color I see, the heart I need. I didn't know just how strong I was until I realized that I belong to me. Don't act like what I had was for you to claim. We are no longer the same, but no need to worry about that anymore. You saw me weak you saw me hurt by circumstance and yet you chose now to run away. To run with what you claimed. You didn't look like much of a robber to me, and yet I'm left empty. Forget you I belong to me. Go off in whatever direction you left me for. Never look back, never realize a mistake. Never admit that you loved me. That would only open up a healed wound. I have you shit by the way it's piled sky high in my closet. Collecting dust, that hides my pain and our memories. But I don't want your problems any longer I need my space. So come and get your pain and your problems from me because I'm done trying to fix you, your on your own. I belong to me. So fuck what you heard and fuck what you thought you cannot have me. And after all of that I can't even hate you despite how much I want to. And you don't have to leave my life you just gotta get the fuck out of my head. I see you now everyday carrying another piece of me, a memory. And it's not fair you get the wear my heart on your sleeve. But none of that matters since I belong to me. I found me: 4/30/12 Yesturday I found myself. I was laying In the middle of the street at 2:03 in the morning . I wore nothing but pain and my blood. Against the cold pavement my lifeless body searched for you. Yesterday was the day I died. And I tried to call believe me I tried but it's hard to call when you already know the answer. And I died with a grudge too. I couldn't remember his name but I knew I had a whole lot of shit to say. I saw color leaving my lips and love leaving my heart. And it could have been the glasses look in my eyes but I knew I have unfinished business with you. But what happened? How did I get here? Why do we stand here now oh so far apart? Was I hit by the truth? Or was I simply running to you? Yesterday I left my house at 1:30 in the morning. Ran in the pouring rain searching for someone who probably didn't remember my name. And yet I ran with the legs of the broken girl. I screaming the pain of the broken girl. And in all of this trouble I became the broken girl. Did I find my rainbow? Did I see the light? Did I discover me beating heart in your hand? Well give it back... Tell me I'm your flower and your my sun and everyday I'm open up and stretch towards you. And tell me why I cold never reach you. Explain why it wasnt ok for you to love only me. Explain why I was outside in the rain at 1:30 in the morning only to die. Explain why I was running to a show which already had its curtain call. Explain why I ran to the sun when only the moon and stars and out. Tell me why you would disappear every night and pretend to care In the morning? Tell me why I found myself at 2:03 in the. Owning dead in the middle of the street and you were nowhere to be found. It's not fair: 5/2/12 It's not fair how you can hang me up and shun me to the back of your closet and pretend like last week I wasn't your favorite shirt.and now I found someone who wants to wear me and I won't let him be auss I fear his blemishes I fear his stains. And I'm not fighting for attention I'm fighting for respect. Remember when I was brand new? Remember when thing were happy? I don't. I remember being the sleeve you wiped your tears with. And no matter how you try to pretend like you never wore me I'll always be there in the dark depths of your closet reminding you of those times when you appreciated me. Why talk: 5/8/12 I understand we do not love any longer. I realize we don't even speak any more. But what I don't understand is why my name is in your mouth. I heard from Jenny who read on twitter someone's repost about a post about some girl you used to love. It said she was nothing. She was no good. She was like the rotten apple at the bottom of the tree that everyone reaches for because they are to afraid to climb to the top of the tree and get hurt. And my name shouldn't be the hot topic of your conversation. And it hurts sometimes to remember a time when you could barely take your eyes off of me. I don't want your condescending labels and your ignoramus comments. I want you to disappear. I wish I hadn't wasted my time being your granny smith when I could have been someone else's red delicious. I wish I hadn't wasted my time looking at you while you were looking behind me. Eyes so cold they could freeze your soul. And stop your heart and I wonder why the hell you have the right to talk. Because I remember you scraping your knee trying to reach up to me.

Journal posts (raw and uncut) No.1

No love: 4/14/12 With lies on your lips I cannot taste you With insanity In your words I will not speak over you When temper strikes I will not argue Cause I remember a time when you looked me in my eye and said I love you. And I can't take that madness That silent madness after a storm The cold dampness that settles In your lungs And leaves you with crumbs only to ask for them back. This storm we called love was unpredictable No one warned me, it was unfathomable. And yet I stood outside drenched in what used to be Thinking he only used me For what could be But we both know never will be. And yet I looked you in the eye I believed you when you said it I thought... I thought you were the guy I could wake up and still find laying next to me That guy who could never lie that guy who could never pull me aside and tell me what we had, couldn't be, Then leave me in misery without so much as an excuse. And yet I'm left in the quiet mess Thinking and rethinking how you could walk away and act like you don't know me. Until I realized you were never mine I was yours only for a little while. Because we loved with the love that was more than love.right? Or at least that what you whispered in my ear when you wanted Everything I had to offer and now that you have it I can't call you my lover Because I can't look at you anymore Ask me your name, I can't remember anymore What is love? I can't recall it anymore, because it's gone. Love is gone And now it's just me...or at least what used to be. Numb: 4/15/12 Now I know what it's like to be numb inside and out. When time is frozen and your heart beat just keeps getting louder,until everything goes blank. You see his lips move but your stuck on the thought of it being over. And just like that your life is broken you can barely breathe and now your open for suggestions. You gave him your all you gave him your soul you gave him the power to destroy you and yet you trusted him not to. And yet look where you stand now. Perfectly alone in this crowded place. And the walls keep closing in and you need your space. This is for the people who have ever felt numb, when love is ripped out from underneath you, just when you think you have your balance love attacks you from the blind side.and all that's going on around you nothing exists but this numbness you feel. Anxiety: 4/16/12 You can feel the pressure build in your chest and the walls cave in around you. A burning lump forms in the back of your throat and your traped forced to choke on the truth. The room spins and twists and turns but you stay stationary. An itchy sensation crawls up your spine and everyone's attention turn to you. Breathing becomes uneasy and your eyes fill up but you cannot cry. And now your fidgeting uncomfortably in your seat, but you can't get up. You break out into a cold sweat. Your eyes bounce back and forth as if to study every detail ut you can't concentrate, when silent waves of terror flow through you and your head begins to ache. When a whisper becomes a yell and conversations mocks and swirls around you. That nausea feeling takes over and your trapped in the eye of the storm wanting to have to have the power to make it all stop. As my mind enters the twilight zone and your body hits the floor You leave it all behinde sounds fade and your all alone. I am not a poet: 4/17/12 * disclaimer I have know idea why I wrote this poem and it's completely irrelevant compared to the other stuff I write but whatever enjoy it :)* I am not a poet, but I gotta lot of shit to say. I can't break you down spiritually or make you cry lyrically. But dammit I am tired. No asked to end up like this. Sitting hopeless. Left to sing the sng of a broken soul. But fuck it I'm here ain't I? I'm living and breathing, and that's all that matters right? WRONG! I believed in all that fairy tale bull shit and I've gotten nowhere. I wanted a happily ever after... But the. I wonder who the hell is happy, I mean truly happy anyway? We paint smiles on our faces and we pretend we haven't all. We tear each other Dow. Just to bring ourselves up. And that boy didn't ask to be a rainbow, but you painted him homicidal When bullets become his relief And frozen eyes with dead smiles mean its all over When the red blood drips and the brown skin fade and lips turn blue... That boy didn't ask to be a rainbow yet you painted him homicidal. Now he stand behind silver iron bars, giggling his fears away knowing he is only one color now. He is orange. He is as orange as his prisoner jumpsuit. Prisoner of this generation and the way we think Prisoner of stereotypes and deception And with you six feet under he is no longer a rainbow but he has been painted homicidal...

I don't remember...

So I have posted in awhile but I have good reasons...so in my absent days I had my band concert and my dance ensemble concert.in dance practice recently I fell and hit my head on the wood floors but more importantly than that I started forgetting things...nothing major at first but it's gotten progressively worse and sometimes I don't know what I'm talking about in the middle of a conversation and I forgot things that happened a couple of months ago...which isn't so bad considering I forgot the end of my last relationship.it made me feel good for awhile until one day I forgot we had even broken up I was just about to go ask why he had moved his seat and had been ignoring me all period but then I realized why...I never left a classroom without asking first but that time I made an exception after realizing we had broken up I ran to the bathroom splashed some water on my face and tried to remember all that had happened and what I had done but I couldn't,until I read my blog when I got home later that day. So when I did get back home I decided that I wld never let that happen again...so I keep this pink journal with me I literally write every emotion in it...mostly bad feelings toward him so I can remind myself...incident number to I realized that I was right. He and my friend "tulip" are getting pretty close..and no jealousy even now because I'm not the jealous type of person.i even told her that they should date because they would make an amazing couple at first she was like what the hell? Shouldn't you be telling me the opposite but eventually she did admit that if he were to ask her out she would say yes. And I told her to go for it. I hope they are happy and it never ends and they never hurt each other or break up.i have my journal entry from that day and I get all emotional reading it because although I don't remember writing it I know I was probably hurt that I was right the whole time...I'll post the entry later.and then today during my rehearsal for the dance ensemble show that was tonight (and tomorrow night) my favorite teacher pulled me aside and he told me straight that he knows that my ex and I have some talking to do.he said he believes one of us needs closure..he didn't say who but he sort of hinted that it wasn't me which took me by surprise. I told him I have no problem talking but I doubt my ex will talk seeing as how we apparently haven't spoken in months in spite of the fact that he said "let's still be friends" he told me maybe I just need to listen and he will open up.part of me wants to believe it but I can't based on what I wrote in this notebook. I wish we had ended on a better note.everyone keeps bringing it up and it's like I see him more now than when we were actually dating. And sometimes it feels bad and sometimes I feel nothing not hurt not happy im just there. I know that I'll probably end up having to be the one to pull him aside. But I don't know how to talk to him anymore, I don't really know him anymore I spent months evading his mind and trying to get to know the real him and in a couple of weeks we were strangers.i just wanna give up on it. But something won't let me. Probably a nightmare I keep having or these notebook entry's or that it's always right in my face like he's holding a sign that says "hey bitch remember you used to love me?" but besides that life goes on and I know that truly if I were to die tomorrow JD and some close close friends would come to my funeral but outside of that no one would care. I realize not everyone thinks how I do. Like they always need to pick up the people who are hurting and fix all their problems.most people could careless. Whatever lemme wrap up this post so I can post up those journal entry's! -blog ya later!