Almost there...

What's going on this weekend!? So I went to my winter bash and it was sooo much fun...but I have to rewind to earlier Friday like second period... So a couple of days ago JD said he needed to "speak" with azzam. He did. I have no idea to this day what was actually said. All I know is azzam was pissed the next day at me. He wouldn't talk or even look at me. I tried to ask him like what's up what's going on why acting all shady for? He was not trying to have it. We were in the media center at the time and I could just tell he was mad at the world. So after he cursed the librarian out and stomped out the room. There was no hiding he was actually mad at me. I just wasn't truthfully sure why yet. And all day I tried to be nice and help him out he would ignore me . So finally I gave up and I told him tomorrow when your over this fake being mad at the world don't come to me because I was here all day to talk if you needed me. I'm done with you now. Like step off. And of course the. VERY next day which was Friday he comes up to me in gym like can we talk. And my immediate answer was no. But he was very persistent. Ok so our gym has a divider a wall that slides across and cuts the gym in half and this marking period he is (thankfully) on the other side of the divider. But his persistent self didn't even care if he was marked absent for not being in his floor spot. He comes over to my side and continually bothers me into talking to him. Mind you all of this is happening and shadow is like a mere ten feet away from us, in perfect view. He cant hear us I don't think. Either way azzam goes into this whole rambling apology and how he has this I just don't care attitude and he's gonna change and blah blah blah. But I wasn't really trying to hear that. So I walk out of the gym he follows me so I had to pretend like I left to get a drink of water do it didn't look like I was avoiding him. Even though I was trying to avoid the conversation. He follows me back into the gym and he is too close for comfort as usual. Like I'm litterally backing up towards the divider and he is trying to walk closer. It's all awkward. Awkward time and place it's awkward cause shadow is right there. And well truthfully I was mid conversation with another friend ABOUT shadow when azzam came up to me and started appologizing. And this girl I'm talking to firstly more shadows friend than mine but we are still cool. I was telling her about my awkward shadow azzam JD stories and she asked if me and shadow still talk. I told her we don't. She chuckles a little and she goes "oh that's because he is afraid of you" Like mind=blown. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? Why would he be afraid. He is like 6foot 2 and I'm like a midget compared to him what is there to be afraid of? She goes on and my head definitely spinning. I'm trying to process the whole thing and then azzam comes up and distracts me. I'm pissed off that he is even trying to make up for yelling at me the day before. And I was definitely pissed off because my conversation was definitely getting to its peak and I needed to know why shadow was afraid of me. So eventually I get azzam to stop talking and I go back over to my friend. And she goes "oh yeah he's afraid of you because he thinks you hate him...you know boys." My head might as well have rolled off my shoulders. And be used for an elementary kid kickball game. Like WHATTTTT?! Why how where? Nooooo! And at that moment I wanted to either get up and run out or run to hi. And just tell him I dont hat him and all Im just upset and hurt by what he did. But not really as upset. But I didn't I stayed glued to my spot stammering to my friend how I didn't hate him and slightly going half insane through out the rest of the conversation. Because I said nothing to him. I'm hoping she did the awesome friend thing and was like "yo shadow she's not mad at you so stop being afraid of her!" but I feel like it wasn't that important for her so it wouldn't come up in conversation. So I on the spot change the subject to the formal. Of course she was going with a group of friends. I half wondered if shadow would be there. And then I realized dances aren't really his scene you know? He's "too cool" for that sort of thing. Lol. Anyway fast forward to after school I stay after to help set up the student center with Rinny, Ellie, and eve. We hung streamers and lights and set tables and a whole bunch of things. We stayed there pretty much until the last possible second and the. We all rants my house to get changed. And ready. So of course we end up arriving fashionably late. JD ends up having to wait at the school for like an hour. I was looking good though. I had this tight black cocktail dress and patterned black stockings silver heels and silver jewelry and I smelled sooooo good. Because I took FOREVER in the shower. So we arrive and we walk through the hanging stars (ahem that I helped set up). And we get to the room and it looks beautiful. All the lights were off besides the Christmas lights surrounding the room and the dj booth that was lighting up. The music was amazing and for a school dance I had sooo much more fun than I thought I would have. We danced and sung and ate and repeated that process like three times. No sign of shadow as I predicted. And all was right with the night. I got home took some pictures which got record High likes in Facebook and ripped of my heels peeled off my dress hoped in the shower stayed their for like an hour than layer down and practically fell asleep. I was in an abnormally happy mood partially because I had terpsys the next day partially because it was an awesome party and partially because of what my friend told me in gym. It was almost like she answered the question of the day it was exuberating honestly. Things were all of a sudden making sense. I felt like I was finally standing all the way straight and the world wasn't so tilted and I wasn't anxious. It sounds bad that I was happy that shadow is afraid of me but that not it at all. I'm happy to know its not simply because he doesnt want to talk to me or he hates me or is trying to cut me off. He's just afraid. And you think with all the time I spend pondering why that him simply being afraid. Would have been a thought that crossed me mind. It never did. Nothing even remotely close actually. It felt like I had my answer like I had a form of fake closure. Ok that's it for now folks lol so til next time... -Blog ya later!

Music d-_-b

Man I love some music and I don't know where this post is gonna go but let's type and find out. Well I like to say I listen to all kinds of music but honestly I'm just open to listening to listening to anything and going it a try at least.i hate when people say I listen to everything and you ask about an artist and they try to lie. Like no just stop you have no idea who Fiona apple or Alex Clare is. I like dubstep and hip hop and rap and pop and jazz r&b soul even some country songs to. I was listening to Helen segura the other day a french singer. And D-pryde I think that's how you spell it he is a korean Canadian rapper. Yeah he goes there. I listen to k-pop I like the wonder girls and miss A. I listen to classical music I especially like Beethoven and Bach and I especially like music from the baroque era.i miss the oldie songs James brown and Etta James, stevie wonder, Bel Biv Devoe, tony Toni tone, Musiq soulchild (not old but good, ginuwine,rkelly, pretty Ricky. I like Spanish music too Royce is the man. This other Spanish song I forgot the singer but it's called Rakata I will jam out to that song. A nana Nita. I can't say I listen to a lot of traditional Indian music I've heard it before though and the riffs are sick! I like Bollywood music though I even danced to Jai Ho at multiple public events since eight grade. Sometimes I will listen to songs with just instruments or beats. Those songs are fun to dance to. I like the weeknd I recently bought his whole album. And usher the old and the new usher I used to know all to words to every song on 8701. And climax is the jam I learned I was tone deaf trying to sing that song. OMG..... But the breaks on! EVERYONE STOP DROP AND ROLL. PUT EVERYTHING DOWN. Today is my winter formal!! I got my dress yesturday at the mall. It's like a nice tight black cocktail dress. Believe it or not all my guy friends helped my pick it out. I'm probably gonna curl my hair when I get home and put in my little flower clips in my hair. Make my lips look all nice and shiny. Throw on some mascara and use my Paris amour body scrub in the shower and the lotion and sparkly body gel so I can shine all night. Don't tell anyone this but I'm wear a very lacy thong shhhh... ;) only because I only have lacy thongs and I don't want an ugly panty line.im not a hoe I promise!! Lol Some nice light jewelry because it's only semi formal. My shoes are silver and have rhinestones they are only like two inches so I won't be too tall. I'm worried more about my hair though. I'm afraid my curls might not work out. Maybe I'll bump the ends. My nails are a nice soft purple color and I definitely have to paint my toes. I just untapped them this morning and the skin is growing back. I'm trying to decide whether I should wear black tights or skin toned tights. Or tights at all...well it is cold outside so maybe I should wear tights. But if I wear tights I might change my shoes. No eyeshadow! I don't want it it's only gonna sweat off if I dancing right. I'm upset valentine can't go yet. -_- like I need my partner in crime there with me! But JD will be there <3 I owe him like $35.00 and change for helping me out yesturday he saved the day yet again. Ugh I love him. I cannot wait for this formal and it's only first period . Like c'mon this day needs to hurry up. And I have gym next like I'm going to be all sweaty. Alright I gotta go people are trying to see what I'm typing I'll check in again later hopefully wish me luck! Cross your fingers all goes well. -blog ya later

Inhale, exhale

Ok you can do this.myou write paragraphs elaborate stories and poems about how you feel like everyday. Why is it so hard for me to just have a conversation about it. I'll keep something bottled up for so long until I finally just give in to insanity Ok let me back track a little bit and explain. And yes I am crying before anyone decides to ask. Well I'm frustrated because of these strange mini argument me and JD have. Like a silent war. We get all angry for like a minute then just shove the issue away and try to forget about it. And it's slowly building up to where I can't handle it on top of everything Else. So I think our first mini argument was awhile back about him joining the marines. I didn't exactly want him to because it's dangerous and they would ship him out all over the world but I also don't want to hold him back. And I wasn't the only one who felt that way about it. I pleaded my case and at the end he SWORE. TI me he wouldnt do it. He ended up going for training the next day because they wouldn't take no for an answer. I was hurt because he swore. Eventually he told them but they convinced him to stay and do him training and become something that I guess isnt in the field I'm not to clear on what the position is. Or what it actually means but I guess that's one issue. Another issue is azzam we both agree he has to back off. But I don't want him to do it because I know how stubborn azzam is and I know how much JD craves respect. And I know they are going to end up fighting. So I'm afraid at any moment that whole situation could just fall apart. Then there's my whole communication issue. Im at a loss when it comes to just saying whatever the issue is to a person. But on my blog I can write for days. And JD finally told me it made him upset and hurt. But he knows it's one of the issues that's a work in progress. This blog is how I communicate how I blow off steam. It keeps me sane. But he wants me to just talk to him. Which sounds easy and logical but I physically emotionally and mentally I'm just not able to. I keep things bottled up then blog it out. It's been that way for a long time. I don't tell people things because I don't know how I might word it wrong. I don't think they can help I feel like I'm complaining and I hate that and I hate being seen as weak as I am. I don't want to bother people with my issues because it could be way worse.and they seem like nothing to everyone else. I have a friend lets call him "dos" he is like my bestest guy friend of all time. Like I'll go to his house and play video games and chill but strictly as friends. We have sooo many insiders it's ridiculous. We just understand each other. Like that's my homie I can finish his sentences and sometimes it's like we are speaking another language there are so many insiders. People don't even understand what we are talking about. And it frustrates JD to witness it. I understand why it would but he shouldn't get jealous. He has nothing to worry about dos he is strictly seriously and really my friend. Then we were trying to have a conversation on the phone yesturday but I was slightly preoccupied with my favorite tv show the walking dead. I actually missed the mid season finale so I was watching the saved dvr version last night. It was awesome by the Way. And I was so into it that I'm like yelling at the tv while I'm I. The phone with him. Mind you I made it through the whole school day without anyone ruining or spoiling it. Which was extremely difficult because like practically the whole school watches. Like the walking dead is the only time I have to just relax for a second and enjoy something. I get up extra early take my bazillion showers go through a stressful day of school avoiding my stalker and dealing with shadow drama. Then I go dance during and after school everyday. Which is tiring to say the least I get home late and exhausted not to have to do homework and when I finally finish I'm battling another six showers eating because I don't eat lunch or breakfast and then texting and squeezing in whatever tv time I can get.so like the dumbass I am I try to kill to birds with one stone by watching the show while I was on the phone with him. Of course he was frustrated because I was so focused on the show. But he didn't even say anyof that. We held a normal or what I thought was a normal conversation during the commercial. And he decides to get even he would spoil the end. And the walking dead you could imagine it being like video games it's serious for me I'm really into it. So immediately I'm pissed. I finally get some down time to relax I defended against everyone trying to ruin it all day and just when I think I can relax and just watch the show he spoils it. At that point I don't want to even watch it anymore it was ruined. I just wanted to hang up and go to sleep...so I did. Today someone dared me to go to school tomorrow and speak with my British accent all day. So I never do that because I don't like the attention it brings me and I'd rather not deal with the can you say how do you say conversations. So I ask JD if I should do it and he says yeah but not around him. Because he doesn't like my accent. It's just putting on a show for other people and he would rather my "normal voice" I'm offended of course. Because it wasn't my idea in the first place so it's not like I want to put a show on for anyone. That's the opposite of what I'm trying to do. He wants to hear my normal voice but if he knew me he knows that is my normal voice. It's what I'm used to its how I speak at home that's my native tongue if you will. So the way he just without any regard to my reaction tells me he doesn't like my accent and it's only for the show for other people. Yeah I got pretty offended... You see it's dumb little arguments and they really do pile up and have an affect on me eventually. I try to pretend like they don't but I'm a stressed ou person and for me I really need him to be my rock no nonsense I need him to be strong for me because I'm weak even though I don't show it. Before we started dating I told him all of my flaws. I told him things I've never told anyone and things I haven't even written on here. I warned him about my communication issues and that I was damaged and his exact words I'll never forget "let me fix your heart" So I took a leap of faith because I really liked him and I figured he could handle all my flaws and issues. It's a lot to ask for I know but it's me. I'm not perfect and I'm not always happy I'm damaged and I'm not always nice I'll yell and scream and I have issues communicating well I have guy friends and girl friend who I talk to on a norm. I have a British accent that I can't do anything about... And it's all just me. I juggle way too much at one time. All my honors classes marching band concert band dance in school dance at lunch I don't even eat lunch anymore dance ensemble terpsys trying to do the school musical RENT trying out for teen idol. Auditioning a dance piece without my partner even being there. It's a lot. And I get stressed and try to hold it in and write it out and shower and write poems and dance it out. But it doesn't mean it's all better and it doesn't mean I communicate any better. And on top of having absolutely no time to myself which mean I have even less than that to spend with JD my mother to make things even more complicated and messed up doesn't like JD. At all. She just for what ever reason doesn't trust him. So he's not really able to come here and I can't really go out with him. And although me and him never talk about it we know when he graduates I'm not allowd to see him like ever again. Thats something only him me and my mother knows. And my mother and I argue about it soo often. We have gone weeks without speaking because of arguing over it. And I never tell anyone about those argument because it's just too much and I never write them on here. And sometimes it gets so bad it gets to a point where my mom will hit me and yell in my face and curse me out calling me dumb stupid and a bitch. It's a lot to carry on my shoulders.its a lot to juggle. So it all sums up to really make me the bad guy I'm the villain in the story. It's my fault I can't communicate my fault I do so much. My fault I have no time. My fault for azzam and letting it escalate to quickly. My fault he can't go to the marines my fault I get upset for little things because the big things are just over flowing. My fault I have bad history with my ex and I just haven't let it go. My fault we have to break up at the end of this year. It all ends up pointing back at me. If I were just easier to communicate with if I didn't take all honors classes if didn't join so many after school programs if I'd just been blunt and harsh to azzam and told him to hit the road. If I only weren't British. If I could simply be simple. And just let life happen as it will. Let everything just melt away. Stop caring so much. Stop being an empath. Stop getting offended and a cry so easily. Just stop everything and be there for JD and well everyone at the same time to help everyone including myself. And none of its really that serious but it's really taking a toll on me.i feel like I'm struggling to keep up with my own life. There's no time for anything or anyone and yet everyone needs something from me whether they ask or not and I'm involved in so many things that are obligations. There's no time for fun and games. Its all just too much and I'm tired. Plus all that on top of my health issues which of course I haven't told anyone. Having arthritis snycope vertigo. Having a concussion and forget things. My health issues seem to only be getting worse according to my neurologist. Last month he told me there was a possibility I could die from trauma or something to the brain I didn't really understand. I have anxiety issues and my immune system is ass. It's a lot...too much and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm sort of trapped in my personal hell. Like I dug a hole and buried myself in it. What am I doing? Ughhhh.... Alright I'm done my fingers hurt.. -Blog ya later

Making lists...

Making a random list just because: Today was my first time being at the nail salon since 8th grade I like people who are good with words I have no tonsils Or a gag reflex Still a virgin I write on this blog way to often I'm running out of ideas for this list I just got my hair done today Nails done hair done everything did I'm secretly a tom boy I love video games And anime Im British but I don't normally speak with my accent I don't like to much attention Which is why I don't speak with my accent I blush...a lot My wisdom teeth have come in and it hurts like hell I watch vampire diaries and pretty little liars And the walking dead There's a winter formal coming up. I don't have a dress yet. I love the winter. But hate the cold. I have empathy syndrome Thats when you are literally the living personification of other peoples emotions I speak French pretty well I'm learning sign language I have a love hate relationship with being surprised I have syncope virtigo and authritis I'm a sucker for romantic comedies Quote Romeo and Juliet and I'm all yours I'm afraid of heights My favorite color is purple I'm terrified of bugs. All bugs I like to sing...rather loudly and off key preferably in the shower I take a lot of showers I love to dance I write poems when I don't know what to say I don't like to show people my poems because they aren't good enough If you can hold a good conversation your are automatically on my awesome persons list My secret fantasy includes rain whip cream and a taxi...I'm so serious I take pride in being a very good kisser I get good grades I have an addiction to bath and body works products Yes that was a hint to buy me things from bath and body works I kind of want my first time to be in the shower...with lots of bath and body works I have no idea what I want to be or study in college I was thinking maybe lawyer physiologist communications or something else no idea I'm sadly an eagles fan I don't like people who smoking I don't like when people get extra jealous I want to take a random road trip with friends I have five of the same lipgloss They are all from bath and body works I kinda like corny pick up lines I think my boobs are too small Don't touch my ass unless your face is prepared to be attacked (in a VERY good way) I'm the happiest when I am fresh out of the shower especially if I've used my sugar scrub and my legs are all smooth I told you have an addiction to bath and body works My nails are purple...because my favorite color is purple I think penis is a funny word I cannot rap...I can barely rhyme. I went to a private kindergarten That's why I'm socially awkward at times My laugh sounds like a dying seal on crack I love candy...not I ADORE CANDY I should wrap up this list. Because you probably stopped reading If you are still reading your awesome I'm craving chocolate right now. I've secretly always wanted to lick the liberty bell just because I hope that doesn't make me a terrorist. I'm sorry government. No S.W.A.T team is needed here I can't wait to be old enough to go clubbing and drink and make mistakes I can one day tell to my little spawns I used to take karate I stopped and started taking Dim Mak...the art of pressure point fighting I saw spider man on broad way I love broadway I want to kiss out in the rain and snow like in the movies I know how to use chop sticks I like all things Asian I have a kimono I've never worn I've had 17 people tell me I look like a porn star I recently found out porn is free to watch I still haven't watched People a town over from me have a bet that's $150 to see who is going to take my virginity You can't break up with a girl through text, call, or on special days. I have two toes that are taped together and my pinky toe has a bandaid on it. My toes are all going to eventually fall off. I have very very VERY strange dreams And my nightmare normally don't make sense When my phone is on vibrate it tickles my thigh I think promise rings are cool I want to get colored contacts I read cosmopolitan magazines...for the naughty section I had a dream about being a porn star. I didn't actually see any of the films I made Im a determined person...don't mess with me My toothbrush vibrates. I leave it downstairs because it scares me I don't like when people buy me things Im learning how to cook new things This is the last bullet point I love you all! -blog ya later

just gonna start typing

well theres no one topic for this post im just gonna type whatever comes to mind. so in the last post i talked about how hard it would be to go to band because well...you know. i made it out alive. i just didnt want to be there, i felt kinda pissed off for no apparent reason. and at some points i just had to leave because i couldnt be there. i would leave and get water then i would feel better. we finished a little earlier than usual so there was time before the bell rung to let school out. my friend **** looks at me and he seems like he is examining me. he says im watching you then he asks if im ok. of course i say i am. he says no your not, and of course now im getting nervous because it means its getting obvious that somethings up... i try to reasure him im fine and i tell him i just have a headache. and starts laughing and he finally asks me if im high?! WHAT?! me high??? during school? your kidding right? he thought i was high because i was acting sort of strange i had a "headache" and my eyes were red. i could see why he would ask if i was high. but honestly i was getting a headache from all the loud noise i was acting weird because i didnt want to be there. and as for my eyes they were still red and puffy from the night before (i was crying). Either way the school bell finally rings and i head straight for the media center. i was typing up a petition. cause i rolls like that GET ON MY LEVEL! ok so the petition was for Valentine because his parents decided he couldnt do terpsys. of course i know how well he can dance and if your serious about dancing terpsys is where you want to be. so apparently on the first practice he went to his bike got stolen. this has absolutly nothing to do with terpss because no one in terpsys could have stolen it since we were all practicing... and because his mom wasnt fully aware that he was staying after for terpsys. she was told that he was going to stay after for dance practice...which is the same thing. and i watched him call his mother and im 200% sure he told her he had terpsys practice. then the whole Miley relationship issue was still unfolding. which also has nothing to do with terpsys besides the fact that she was there. but they werent even in the same room the boys and the girls were seperated. his parents say they dont want him to travel with the group. but the trip is completly optional. meaning he doesnt have to go if his parents arent comfortable with it. i had the director of terpsys speak to his mother on the phone and she described how we get community service hours and she gets our grades at the end of every marking period to make sure no one is failing. if so she speaks to them and their parents to see what the next step is. whether its getting a tutor or having to drop the program. thing is Valentine gets good grades so...yeah. the petition has over 60 signatures on it of people who support Valentine and want him to be able to do terpsys. and if thats all not enough i have the Principal of the entire school about to speak to his mother also. there is no other reason for him not to. the principal of the school wants him to, classmates want him to, the director of terpsys wants him too. like c'mon now. you cant say that wont atleast make you reconsider it. all these people are working together to change your mind there has got to be a reason...has she not seen her son dance?! its mesmerizing! how could you hold him back like that? ive done my part i think organizing all of the reasons she shoud let him. every reason she gave for him not to do it was proven invalid at this point there is no solid reason he cannot do terpsys, besides she just simply doesnt want him to.after she gets the call from the principal and sees the petition, how can you possibly say no. what else is there he can do to prove its worth it? what does she want a persuasive essay??he should show her some of the terpsys videos that are online! anywayssss... i actually got home from terpsys practice not to long ago. it was an awesome practice we went over some of the dances that are done every year. and learned a new one. its a salsa piece. you know cause we like to spice it up like that! my feets are on the verge of death though. the skin under my big toe is ripping off progressively so that spot is very tender and out of nowhere my pinky toe started bleeding so all my toes are wrapped up and mummyfied! by the end of the season im not going to have any toes left. ugh and now for the comments... people are asking what i would say to shadow if i absolutly had to talk to him. like there is no way of getting out of it. ive thought about this for a long time. how i would even approach the situation. i kept drawing a blank at "umm...can we talk...like umm...alone...or something...is that okay... i mean we dont have too...its totally up to you. yoou know we dont even have to. yeah its awkward right? yeah so im just im gonna go. ok sorry to bother you. alright bye." honestly thats what happened in my head when i tried to imagine it. then i really sat down and thought about it. id probably say: "can we talk alone." end up telling him about the whole azzam rumor. and of course stammer throughout the whole thing because im partial terrified to hear what he would have to say about it all. id tell him i dont hate him, and i hope he doesnt hate me. i might tell him about the whole wingwoman thing. but i would leave out no details id tell him truthfully my opinion of my "friend." after that i guess that would be it. but thinking about it. it seems unneccesary to bring any of this up in conversation. because id know he wouldnt really care to hear what i have to say. or he would stop me at can we talk alone and be like "uhh no go away." you see how this all would end up being one awkward situation. maybe it would be cleansing. and at least i would have attempted but i feel like it might bother me. or id get too tongue tied and i would make no sense. or the worst thing of all id tell him everything. like no bullshit. completly everything im thinking and everthing thats happened. and he wouldnt say anything at all. like ZIP NADA ZILCH! that would probably drive anyone insane though. what do you think is going to happen with valentine and Miley? well honestly i think Shan and Miley are going to break up soon. and i think Miley has feelings for Valentine that she is afraid to tell him about it. i think he would be happy about her finally likeing him. but he would turn her down because he wouldnt want to be her second choice or her rebound and overall it would be too late because he wanted her and she just lft him hanging for some other dude. What ever happened to mr.Wisdom? ohhh wow hes a summer boy. you know what i mean. the guy who wont hit you up until its summer and your the next girl he is trying to get with. naa bro. im gucci lol. he hits me up very randomly like once a month though. and its usually a short conversation. he will go like all of my photos on facebook but not say a peep to me. and his older brother actually comments on my pictures on instagram and likes them more than he does. its strange. he texted me once simply to tell me he missed my accent. i have a british accent... then he responded again saying me misses me....right thats cute. lol its too late now ive moved on from you. sure we can hang, but thats really all we would be doing. Have you ever been intimate with mr.wisdom?is he a good kisser? what with all these questions about wisdom huh? you guys have a crush on him now? lol well truthfully yes i have. nothing serious and it was years ago. he doesnt like the word no. my guess is becasue he doesnt get it often. im abstinent and so that means no tochey below the equator bub! we were close for that summer and we went to the mall but we mostly stayed inside and made out. for what felt like hours. BUT AGAIN IT WAS YEARSSSSS AGO!!! i dont have feelings for him. he lives all the way in new york anyways. so i only see him when i visit my god sister. but when i do see him its like we have freedom to do whatever. so (years ago) he wanted to literaslly take a shower with me. and you guys know how much i take showers. he really wanted to take this shower for whatever reason. we somehow magically flew while making out from the couch to the bathroom. i told him i wouldnt take a shower with him. but he was persistent. like he was fighting me as we are aking out to take my shirt off. nonetheless i stopped him. and he took his shower lonely. i know your all screaming at me like i should have but i didnt want to get that intimate with him. he was cute but beyond that there was nothing. and i was too young to go too far beyond that. again this was all years ago *cough JD cough* did you delete the messages from Shadow? yes i did eventually. it was harder than i thought it would be. how are you and JD doing? finally a good question. we are doing well. hes pissed because i have communication issues. and reading my blog makes him feel bad becasue i dont talk to him. mind you its a VERY big deal to be able to see my blog in the first place. its a huge deal. the only thing is i dont go back to reread my posts and i dont like bringing it up in conversation. it freaks me out. i actually hate it. i know it seems messed up but thats how i am, im sorry. the blog is how i communicate. he will message me paragraphs trying to help. but you just cant. leave it alone and wait for it to work itself out. your not helping your actually sort of pissing me off. i considered changing my URL and not giving it to anyone so i wont have to worry about JD blowing it out of proportion or guessing if Shadow still reads it and whomever else who i know personally telling my business. but that also means you guys wont be able to find it. and you all would get pissed. but i like this URL ive had it since maybe 5th or sixth grade. since i uzed t2 tlk liek dis. so ill have to grin and bare him reading it but if it goes on too much longer i might just change it. besides that whole thing we have more good days than bad days. but i normally censor myself on here simply because i know he is going to read this. eventually im going to need to go back to writing freely. even if its hard for him to read because this blog isnt here for him. its for me. thats partially the reason i wrote out the mr.wisdom story...or well the parts i wanted to share on here. because you guys asked so i answered. i love JD. i dont question it. sure sometimes we get into it. but it never lasts long and i know i can trust him. he has good intentions. alright well ill answer more questions tomorrow... ive got a party to go to.. heyyyy :) -Blog ya later