so its the last couple of days left of school! and im in my computer apps class with a room full of people screaming KILL TESTICLES!!!! life is funny...enough said
-Blog ya Later!
Monday, June 18, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Everyone leaves...
so recently ive decided completly from anaylzing my own life that no matter how close i might be to a person or how good of friends we might be or have been, that everyone ends up leaving. my father my brother two friends from elementary school past boyfriends my foster sister and one of my best friends. But honestly im starting to think its my fault maybe im not as good a person as i think i am. maybe when i help people or try to help it seems no one wants to be helped. people run to me broken and shattered and once i fix them all up they are gone with the wind. and i just dont understand why if they appreciate all the things i do for them where the hell they could run off to without even saying goodbye.
A couple of weeks ago my foster sister ran away. she looked me dead in the eye and ran out the door. with me standing right there. i tried to chase after her but she was too far gone. i caught her later that day and brought her back but it will never be the same after that. how could she leave after i took her in when other people refused her. i was her therapist whenever she was having issues. i gave her my clothing and i basically took her under my wing. and no one knows but this really did hurt me and i still freak out about it every so often. and that only reminds me of all the other people who have put all there focus into leaving. no not even leaving my life running away from it, and not looking back. She ran away again today and I'm done looking for her if she wants to be here she will come back.and that goes for everyone in my life.if your trying to hurt me or leave later on after you've bled me dry how about you just leave my life now? Maybe I should do all of you a favor and just leave myself.actually I might be on to something...no one can leave my life if they aren't in it in the first place right so I'll either become an out cast. Run away or lastly I'll move on to paradise in the sky. I'm not suicidal or anything but someways I could run without looking back if I owned a gun life as I know it could end. For a moment of misjudgment. And none of these people are even fucking worth it. So why bother? I won't have to worry about grades or fights or how I look or other peoples feelings or stress about irrelevant things I can be free...I'm not needed here. And if I stay who is happy? Yea my little group of friends would care and distant friends might pretend to care and dig up some memory from years ago to cry over me for but truthfully they would get over it quickly. Maybe it's my time? But then again who am I to decide. Why is it I let everyone come and destroy the little bit of me there is left and turn me into this suicidal freak? I'm not suicidal I'm just tired.i haven't eaten in a couple of days because I get sick every time I try. Things and people I love are still in my heart like dance which I still enjoy but everything else in my life just ruins it. Maybe I should start fresh move far away from here..but then I'm definitely going to be forgotten. Who cares if I leave or stay anyways. What if it was just an accident what if the knife slips or I fall out a window accidentally...will I regret it? Would someone look at my dead body and seriously mourn my lost soul...what if I left a note apologizing to those who care...does that make it ok? I'll leave behinde some dramatic mysterious note appologizing and saying things to the living I could never say while still living. This note would be Alexia...uncut and raw no sugar coating and fluff just me my emotions and a pen. I have to write it in pen so people can see my scribbled out mistakes and hardships writing the note the ytear drop stains I leave behinde. Maybe it can be some sort of a will describing which person I know would care could get of what I have left on the earth.
A couple of weeks ago my foster sister ran away. she looked me dead in the eye and ran out the door. with me standing right there. i tried to chase after her but she was too far gone. i caught her later that day and brought her back but it will never be the same after that. how could she leave after i took her in when other people refused her. i was her therapist whenever she was having issues. i gave her my clothing and i basically took her under my wing. and no one knows but this really did hurt me and i still freak out about it every so often. and that only reminds me of all the other people who have put all there focus into leaving. no not even leaving my life running away from it, and not looking back. She ran away again today and I'm done looking for her if she wants to be here she will come back.and that goes for everyone in my life.if your trying to hurt me or leave later on after you've bled me dry how about you just leave my life now? Maybe I should do all of you a favor and just leave myself.actually I might be on to something...no one can leave my life if they aren't in it in the first place right so I'll either become an out cast. Run away or lastly I'll move on to paradise in the sky. I'm not suicidal or anything but someways I could run without looking back if I owned a gun life as I know it could end. For a moment of misjudgment. And none of these people are even fucking worth it. So why bother? I won't have to worry about grades or fights or how I look or other peoples feelings or stress about irrelevant things I can be free...I'm not needed here. And if I stay who is happy? Yea my little group of friends would care and distant friends might pretend to care and dig up some memory from years ago to cry over me for but truthfully they would get over it quickly. Maybe it's my time? But then again who am I to decide. Why is it I let everyone come and destroy the little bit of me there is left and turn me into this suicidal freak? I'm not suicidal I'm just tired.i haven't eaten in a couple of days because I get sick every time I try. Things and people I love are still in my heart like dance which I still enjoy but everything else in my life just ruins it. Maybe I should start fresh move far away from here..but then I'm definitely going to be forgotten. Who cares if I leave or stay anyways. What if it was just an accident what if the knife slips or I fall out a window accidentally...will I regret it? Would someone look at my dead body and seriously mourn my lost soul...what if I left a note apologizing to those who care...does that make it ok? I'll leave behinde some dramatic mysterious note appologizing and saying things to the living I could never say while still living. This note would be Alexia...uncut and raw no sugar coating and fluff just me my emotions and a pen. I have to write it in pen so people can see my scribbled out mistakes and hardships writing the note the ytear drop stains I leave behinde. Maybe it can be some sort of a will describing which person I know would care could get of what I have left on the earth.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Artistic moments?!
So lately I have gotten These random bursts of creativity and I just have the need to make something! So far I made a melted crayon mural I've made jean shorts and Tye dyed them and I made a collar necklace thing! And I've got soo many other Ideas that I'm planning on doing over the summer!Like beddazlinb...we'll everything I can like the collar necklace and some cute shades. I want to make my own custom glittery nail polish. I'm planning on somehow sewing a dress or a romper and a skirt. Before winter I'm hoping I can learn to knit and I'll knit myself a sweater. Maybe some easy beaded bracelets or a boho headband. And soo much more ill try to post pictures if I can! This random burst or creativity just had to be shared. It's totally random but that's what makes it fun. I've even been baking and cooking more often, recently I baked this amazing yellow cake with a chocolate frosting and made some kick ass seafood the other day! I'm hoping also over the summer to cross some things off my bucket list like shopping on the champs élysées in Paris writing a book auditions for something completely random like cheer leading or a musical/play or even something on broadway. I even hope to get myself a job which is apart of this elaboatreplan of mine to have good enough credit and be partially self sufficient by 19 years old. I've got it planned out or so I think.i hope it all works out smoothly for me! I even plan on maybe learning a new instrument something a little more awesome like the piano or guitar.i might take a trial singing class or kickboxing class to let of some steam of well...life. And lastly finally get my body back into shape...gym membership here I come!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)