But in a strange way it makes sense...

So today this girl walks up to me in the hallway. Mind you I have no idea who she is or why she was telling me this or how she knew who I was.she walks up to Me and starts rambling on about shadow.ni just stood there and stared at her she seemed frustrated and I was like oh he got you to huh? But then she starts talking about azzam this boy in my class who is friends with shadow and I met them both around the same time. Now azzam has this crush on me and that's fine. It's been a three year long crush. But if I'm in a relationship of course I would like him to respect that and back off a bit. But he never does. He's always at my locker coming to my classes and trying to hang out showing up everywhere touching me a little too much hugging me a little to long and it makes me uncomfortable. Ok so this girl finishes by telling me that azzam guilt tripped shadow into breaking up with me. Because he liked me first and something about a bro code. Or some shit. And I'm just frozen in that spot for awhile. Processing it all. At first I conclude the girl is crazy and she's just spreading rumors. Maybe she just does like azzam and that's how she wanted to get back at him. Or something. But using me to do that was simply a horrible way to do that.then I started thinking why would a complete stranger go through the trouble of making up this elaborate lie? She's not hurting him she's hurting me. Why would anyone do that. So now I'm a little confused and I know if I simply ask azzam he would lie if it happened to be the truth because I would cut him off completely. I ended up asking anyway and of course he says no he had no problem with us dating but earlier he did say every time he tries to talk to me and become something more I throw a boyfriend in his face and block him off. Then I assess whether or not shadow would even do something like that. I think of course not you don't let go of someone you "love" because your friend says so right? But the girl did mention this "bro code" whatever that is. And technically azzam told me he liked me first or whatever and in the beginning shadow did back off becaus he was trying to help azza, be my boyfriend but I wasn't into azzam like that. I wasn't then and I'm not now. And if this turns out to all be true I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not gonna lie it hit me hard when I got home today. I was confused and broken it felt like someone had slapped me in the face...y stomach was clenching and I hate that girl for telling me. I waserfectly happy in my denial or well I hate that she lied to me. I put a lot of faith in humans today I just don't believe we are wicked and I'm totally shocked when they aren't as faithful or pure as I thought and I end up either the bad guy or the one that gets hurt. I'm slightly freaking out a bit and it's slightly because I know tomorrow I have to see shadow for band. And in my head I'll be contemplating how easy it would have been for him to give me up for a friend. For this bro code. Maybe he did it because he would have gotten tired of azzam's harassment or because after thinking it their he thought azzam was right. Or maybe he simply just didn't like me anymore. This completely changes things for me. And I'm not sure how much longer I can pretend to be ok. How much longer I can pretend I am sooo happy everyday. How long I'll go on fixing everyone else's problems hoping to somehow find solutions for my own. I want to be alone but I want to help everyone. I want to be as happy as I let everyone thinks I am. I thought if I went on smiling long enough everything bad would melt away and the smile might become real. My laugh is so empty and everything around me is just irrelevant. Sometimes I'm totally annoyed and I find I'm only sane when I'm helping other people find their own peace of mind. I'll actually have a bad day of I know be of my friends is hurting. Like today was just a terrible day for me because some crap went down with valentine and I felt like I was just a living personification of what he was thinking and feeling. And I felt dumb for feeling angry about drama that wasn't my own. Until this girl shows up out of the blue and hands me my own steaming plate of drama. I can't keep. Doing this can I? Where do I turn. I feel like no one can help because I don't want them to. Or becausei won't let them. No one knows this stuff. It's just me dealing on my own. I don't want anyone's pity. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. I know deep inside no one knows how to help. Not my parents or my friends or even JD. Especially not JD. U want to be strong for him because he has his own drama and he doesn't need mine. I want to pretend to be as happy as I can for him amd be the best I can be for him until we have no time left. And it hurts so much to even write that much less think it. What do I do now. Where do I turn. I sure as hell can't walk up to shadow now and play wing woman for my "friend" I wouldn't have been able to do it even if I tried. I'm simply not strong enough. Maybe I have to much pride or I'm just scared. There I said it. I, afraid not actually I'm terrified of what he could do or say. In my mind I know he has power to take whatever happiness I might epretend to have and snap it in two. I see this every time we pass each other in the hall and we don't recognize each others existence I feel it when I know if things were different we would probably still talk. And some of it is my fault. For being bitchy and posting things publicly to cope when I should have just written them here. But he read that too at the time. And he told me it hurt him. I was more upset with myself for hurting him than I was that he broke up with him. Twisted right? I have no tears left for this. I figure you only have but so many tears to cry before your all dried out. And I'm getting a headache from all of this. And I know I have to keep it together because I'm supposed to be the strong one everyone can come to. If I break down who knows what will happen to those I have helped. They might lose hope. I need to be strong and be there for them. For JD and tulip and Paul and Tom and Jim and valentine and Miley and the hack even azzam in a strange way. They need me to be same or at least seem that I am. But how long do I have before this is actual depression or until I snap. What happens when you snap. I'm so afraid to fall off that ledge into insanity. What will I do what will I say. What if I only make things worse for myself. Would I then be satisfied. When I get sad I have certain rituals. I take multiple showers strange yes I know. Sometimes I'll take six or seven showers a day. Maybe I'm trying to wash away the pain literally. The warm water just feels so calming and cleansing and it's the only time I have to just be alone and cry or sing or laugh if I need to. Im alone with my thoughts and I can take down my protective sheilds and break down and I don't have to be strong for anyone there. Then of course I'll blog. I'll try to type it all away. And I never reread my posts I try to ship the ideas to the back of my brain and forget them. I'm writing away my problems so I can feel like I've told someone. People I trust to. I trust all of my readers. You guys are brutally harsh sometimes and it's what I need. So bare with me if I get mad at you sometimes for asking questions I need to be asking myself. So I thank all of you. And then I may write a poem or two or three that I never post because I like to reread those then I go to the dance room and try to express the sadness through art. I was to leave a trail of tears behind with every step and turn. I think if I tell the story to the me in the mirror I can let it go forgive myself and move on. And so far today on the checklist I have done everything but dance it all out.ill do that when I get to school tomorrow. I'll play my flute and focus on that and I'll go to the dance room and I'll angry battle myself. I'll fight to be happy and pray that tomorrow this all would have been some horrible nightmare. I have no right to feel so upset or sad still do I? I've surpassed the depression time limit for breakups I'm sure. But I can't keep running from it especially when strangers I don't even know seem to like to torment me. I guess that's it for now. I'll check back in later on and let you know how same I am after dancing and going through an hour and a half struggling in the band room with my "nonexistent" ex. I love you guys :) -blog ya later