But in a strange way it makes sense...

So today this girl walks up to me in the hallway. Mind you I have no idea who she is or why she was telling me this or how she knew who I was.she walks up to Me and starts rambling on about shadow.ni just stood there and stared at her she seemed frustrated and I was like oh he got you to huh? But then she starts talking about azzam this boy in my class who is friends with shadow and I met them both around the same time. Now azzam has this crush on me and that's fine. It's been a three year long crush. But if I'm in a relationship of course I would like him to respect that and back off a bit. But he never does. He's always at my locker coming to my classes and trying to hang out showing up everywhere touching me a little too much hugging me a little to long and it makes me uncomfortable. Ok so this girl finishes by telling me that azzam guilt tripped shadow into breaking up with me. Because he liked me first and something about a bro code. Or some shit. And I'm just frozen in that spot for awhile. Processing it all. At first I conclude the girl is crazy and she's just spreading rumors. Maybe she just does like azzam and that's how she wanted to get back at him. Or something. But using me to do that was simply a horrible way to do that.then I started thinking why would a complete stranger go through the trouble of making up this elaborate lie? She's not hurting him she's hurting me. Why would anyone do that. So now I'm a little confused and I know if I simply ask azzam he would lie if it happened to be the truth because I would cut him off completely. I ended up asking anyway and of course he says no he had no problem with us dating but earlier he did say every time he tries to talk to me and become something more I throw a boyfriend in his face and block him off. Then I assess whether or not shadow would even do something like that. I think of course not you don't let go of someone you "love" because your friend says so right? But the girl did mention this "bro code" whatever that is. And technically azzam told me he liked me first or whatever and in the beginning shadow did back off becaus he was trying to help azza, be my boyfriend but I wasn't into azzam like that. I wasn't then and I'm not now. And if this turns out to all be true I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not gonna lie it hit me hard when I got home today. I was confused and broken it felt like someone had slapped me in the face...y stomach was clenching and I hate that girl for telling me. I waserfectly happy in my denial or well I hate that she lied to me. I put a lot of faith in humans today I just don't believe we are wicked and I'm totally shocked when they aren't as faithful or pure as I thought and I end up either the bad guy or the one that gets hurt. I'm slightly freaking out a bit and it's slightly because I know tomorrow I have to see shadow for band. And in my head I'll be contemplating how easy it would have been for him to give me up for a friend. For this bro code. Maybe he did it because he would have gotten tired of azzam's harassment or because after thinking it their he thought azzam was right. Or maybe he simply just didn't like me anymore. This completely changes things for me. And I'm not sure how much longer I can pretend to be ok. How much longer I can pretend I am sooo happy everyday. How long I'll go on fixing everyone else's problems hoping to somehow find solutions for my own. I want to be alone but I want to help everyone. I want to be as happy as I let everyone thinks I am. I thought if I went on smiling long enough everything bad would melt away and the smile might become real. My laugh is so empty and everything around me is just irrelevant. Sometimes I'm totally annoyed and I find I'm only sane when I'm helping other people find their own peace of mind. I'll actually have a bad day of I know be of my friends is hurting. Like today was just a terrible day for me because some crap went down with valentine and I felt like I was just a living personification of what he was thinking and feeling. And I felt dumb for feeling angry about drama that wasn't my own. Until this girl shows up out of the blue and hands me my own steaming plate of drama. I can't keep. Doing this can I? Where do I turn. I feel like no one can help because I don't want them to. Or becausei won't let them. No one knows this stuff. It's just me dealing on my own. I don't want anyone's pity. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. I know deep inside no one knows how to help. Not my parents or my friends or even JD. Especially not JD. U want to be strong for him because he has his own drama and he doesn't need mine. I want to pretend to be as happy as I can for him amd be the best I can be for him until we have no time left. And it hurts so much to even write that much less think it. What do I do now. Where do I turn. I sure as hell can't walk up to shadow now and play wing woman for my "friend" I wouldn't have been able to do it even if I tried. I'm simply not strong enough. Maybe I have to much pride or I'm just scared. There I said it. I, afraid not actually I'm terrified of what he could do or say. In my mind I know he has power to take whatever happiness I might epretend to have and snap it in two. I see this every time we pass each other in the hall and we don't recognize each others existence I feel it when I know if things were different we would probably still talk. And some of it is my fault. For being bitchy and posting things publicly to cope when I should have just written them here. But he read that too at the time. And he told me it hurt him. I was more upset with myself for hurting him than I was that he broke up with him. Twisted right? I have no tears left for this. I figure you only have but so many tears to cry before your all dried out. And I'm getting a headache from all of this. And I know I have to keep it together because I'm supposed to be the strong one everyone can come to. If I break down who knows what will happen to those I have helped. They might lose hope. I need to be strong and be there for them. For JD and tulip and Paul and Tom and Jim and valentine and Miley and the hack even azzam in a strange way. They need me to be same or at least seem that I am. But how long do I have before this is actual depression or until I snap. What happens when you snap. I'm so afraid to fall off that ledge into insanity. What will I do what will I say. What if I only make things worse for myself. Would I then be satisfied. When I get sad I have certain rituals. I take multiple showers strange yes I know. Sometimes I'll take six or seven showers a day. Maybe I'm trying to wash away the pain literally. The warm water just feels so calming and cleansing and it's the only time I have to just be alone and cry or sing or laugh if I need to. Im alone with my thoughts and I can take down my protective sheilds and break down and I don't have to be strong for anyone there. Then of course I'll blog. I'll try to type it all away. And I never reread my posts I try to ship the ideas to the back of my brain and forget them. I'm writing away my problems so I can feel like I've told someone. People I trust to. I trust all of my readers. You guys are brutally harsh sometimes and it's what I need. So bare with me if I get mad at you sometimes for asking questions I need to be asking myself. So I thank all of you. And then I may write a poem or two or three that I never post because I like to reread those then I go to the dance room and try to express the sadness through art. I was to leave a trail of tears behind with every step and turn. I think if I tell the story to the me in the mirror I can let it go forgive myself and move on. And so far today on the checklist I have done everything but dance it all out.ill do that when I get to school tomorrow. I'll play my flute and focus on that and I'll go to the dance room and I'll angry battle myself. I'll fight to be happy and pray that tomorrow this all would have been some horrible nightmare. I have no right to feel so upset or sad still do I? I've surpassed the depression time limit for breakups I'm sure. But I can't keep running from it especially when strangers I don't even know seem to like to torment me. I guess that's it for now. I'll check back in later on and let you know how same I am after dancing and going through an hour and a half struggling in the band room with my "nonexistent" ex. I love you guys :) -blog ya later

PAUSE!

Okok a break from my everyday drama let's talk about someone completely Different. We will call him mr.Valentine on here. Mr.Valentine is kind hearted a good friend funny sweet and he isn't hard to look at trust me (ladies you know what I mean) lol anywho, that being said he had this crush on this girl in my grade (he's one year younger). When valentine falls he falls hard though like head over heels you can tell. But he is very gentlemanly about it all. This girl in my grade is normally very to herself unless she's around friends and she's shy and blushy. They were talking for a couple of weeks and he let her know he was interested but she put him on ice. She claimed to be confused and not really sure about what she wanted. She tells him that eventually she will make up her mind and let him know. In the mean time they continued speaking. Here are the first issues I think valentine didn't give "Miley" enough of a chance to chase him back. Girls these days seem to like to be chased but to do some of the chasing as well they don't like for it to be to easy for them. They speak and some how or another she ends up coming to me and speaking to me about there whole situation as does mr. valentine. She told me they were talking and yes she did show signs of confusion but more like she didn't know exactly what she wanted or what she was looking for rather than if valentine was who she was looking for. Second issue she was in the priority position to quickly. When people are important to you it's hard to let them go or to be anything less than what you expected to be in their life. Ok so Miley eventually tells him how she feels after me giving her advice and telling her to just be open and honest with him. Rather than letting it drag out too far. She told him they should just be friends. She tells me many times that she very much wants to still be apart of his life and she can still hang out with him and go over his house and nothing should be awkward but honestly that's easier for her to say than for him to do. It's hard to act like your just friends with someone who you saw yourself becoming more with. So I text him help cheer him up a bit after he had been friend zoned and even suggest he speak to this other girl who he knows actually likes him. She has past relationship issues and health issues like me and it could all be very risky but there's no harm in simply talking and seeing where it leads. But then he is slammed yet again when he learns that she recently got into another relationship with someone else in his grade and didn't tell him. I believe Miley started dating this guy after she told valentine she wanted to be friends but he was hurt simply because she wasn't able to tell him the truth himself but that he had to hear it from a friend. She was planning to tell him but it was obviously too late. Of course valentine is very hurt but mostly disappointed. Sometimes his self esteem is lowered quickly and he likes to kick himself when he's down but he honestly was nothing to kick. He has no flaws worth the heart ache and stress. I could hear his pain on the phone the strain in his laugh I could feel the anger and confusion behind his words. I knew he was judging himself based on everyone around him. I know that valentine and Miley honestly need to speak if only one last time to straighten out this mess. Because up to now valentine has heard from Miley that she's actually in a relationship. And I know she has good intentions that were simply carried out the wrong way but it's up to her really t make it right. He needs a form of closure if he plans to move on and she needs to tell him the whole story and explain why or she's only going to continue to feel crappy and like the bad guy for not telling him earlier and avoiding this whole issue. He says he wants to just leave her alone and he even deleted her number which was actually for a sort of closure rather than out of spite. This way she has to contact him first and he can't easily run back to her. She has to come to him and she isn't used to that. Especially since this new guy apparently is a player that Miley is dating. I know him personally too I've known him for about a year. I don't know much about his dating life but he has been to my house before with friends just to hang after terpsys. Hes a good kid mixed up in some bad things. His intention isn't to hurt people but simply to get things how he wants them when he wants them. His relationships normally don't last long apparently. And I have heard this from more than one person and the worst thing that could happen now is he plays Miley and she gets hurt and starts wishing she had chosen valentine but it would be too late by then, he's on the road to moving on. I've spoke to her and him. She cried actually because she understands that she worded things wrong and everything's got messed up and she truly didn't mean to hurt anyone that's what she was trying to avoid the whole time by waiting. But on the other hand she did hurt him and he's basically waiting for her explanation in her own words I refuse to be the messenger because I'm not really involved. They need to really speak it over with each other and valentine needs his closure the old fashion way, communication. Other wise hey will no up like shadow and I. And I know that is truly the worst case scenario that they end up with unfinished business and can't speak to each other have he say she say drama but have too much pride to simply walk up to the other person and squash it right then and there. He could end up with a blog full or regrets and psychological dreams that bug him and he will never be able to truly move on because of the lack of closure and it will feel like she's everywhere right in his face unable to look at him. They will pretend to ignore each other existence but secretly stare when the other person is unaware. You see how twisted that all is? Honestly if I could prevent everyone in the whole world from going through this sort of drama I would but I can't speak for them that's up to them. I hope they choose wiser than I did. -blog ya later!

Weekend and being a wing woman

Firstly happy belated stuff your face and get fat day. And what nots. So it's been awhile since I've posted so let me update you guys. So thursday (thanksgiving) was my last marching band game of this year :( My dad came my cousins came I saw a few people from the rival school I knew and some friends were there. So this is the annual game it happens every year between my highschool and our rival highschool one town over. There's a big parade then the game. We went there really not expecting to win because honestly I think we have won like two games out of the whole season... Anywho we get the first touchdown and I'm like ok it was a mistake it's not gonna happen again. Then we got another one and I stood up and I'm like ohhhh we are actually trying to win this game today huh?! Lol so we play some songs in the stands and the other band does too. But it gets real when they steal one of our cadences we were shocked. Then we played it after them but way louder and waayy better. But then they played jump on it which is like one of our best songs and we got offended so we faced them and played a remixed version of let me clear my throat and jump on it. We totally demolished there band nonetheless. And our flag twirlers were much better too, but they had our cheerleaders beat. We ended up winning the game 26-20 and we managed to stay in the lead throughout the whole game. It was a great way to start my turkey day. So I drive up to my grandmas house after the game in Timbuktu and I stuff my face with ham Mac and cheese fried chicked BBQ chicken corn bread and a whole bunch of other stuff. So many family members came I didn't even know everyone! But later on I became the DJ and I'm playing all the old school music and everyone is jamming out to tony tone Toni and bel big Defoe and Eric benet and we are having a great time singing our hearts out (rather off key I might add) my dad swore he had better music than me so he stole the plug and we had a dj battle he tried to hit the family with Erika Badu but I took it and play micheal Jackson and some new school weekend songs then back to old school. I won. Lol after that I went to the room to lay down for a bit cause I was sooo full, I woke up two hours later everyone's gone and there is no more food.not was hilarious but I managed to get one of the last pieces of my grandmas famous cheesecake. Delicious! I spent the weekend down at my grandmas wi my younger cousin and on black Friday we went to two different malls. I got her addicted to this bath and body works scrub that smells sooooo good! And I got her hooked on my new favorite YouTube guru who's name is swoozie! I absolutely LOVE swoozie! Like I'm going to marry him and have his little swoozettes and we will live happily ever after playing DOA and cuddling and bumming it while watching anime! Life will be good! Lol Jk. Anyways I ended up somehow going into the city and playing games and Dave and buster for like three hours straight with my cousin and a friend. We got sooooo many tickets and we barely got any prizes they were all so expensive! But I got a ton of candy and I was happy as a lamb. I get back home Sunday and watch the funniest movie ever made in the history of ever! It's called IM GONNA GIT YOU SUCKA! I cracked up watching this movie it was made in like 1988 and it's still the best comedy out there. You better go watch it if you haven't seen it. And when you get to the part with the pimp in the yellow suit, sumbraro, and aquarium platform shoes with live fish in them, pause the movie and take a moment to realize you have just earned 10 black people points. Congratulations! Afte that I procrastinated did some homework and cuddled down and watched the walking dead with hot chocolatay. It was an awesome episode by the way. Then I just ended up falling asleep and that when it got weird. So recently I have been having these very strange dreams that happen like every night. They aren't nightmares it is just the same dream over and over again. I always start off in school. And I go to my locker because that's what I usually do when I get to school, only to find that I am already at my locker. I am watching myself go to my locker and get my stuff. I try to talk to myself and whoever comes by but it's like they cannot hear me. But they can hear the other me who was at my locker. It's strange because I have no control of what other me says or does. I am able to roam freely throughout the school and I can see and hear everyone but it's like I am a ghost they can walk right through me. Other me goes right up to my ex and starts arguing with him. Which I guess isn't to weird since its a dream but then they are speaking and arguing in French. Like fluent French? I'm confused because even I cant understand what they are even arguing about. Other me steps toward him and I thought she was gonna hit him or he was going to hit her. And all of a sudden they are making out? What is going on?! Of course now ghosty me starts yelling at other me to stop what I'm doing. I'm furious...with myself. And they aren't just kissing they are full blown movie make out scene from a crappy romantic comedy movie making out. And I just watch myself do this. I can't do anything about it. Then other me turns towards me and says just because you lost him does not mean that I did. I didn't cry I just got really confused. I tell her but you are me. And if we are the same person then neither of us can have him. She smiles a rather evil smile and She says she can do and have whomever and whatever she likes. And everything goes her way. She tells me she knows that I want to be her. Of course I get angry...with myself and I raise my hand to slap her but it goes right through my face. And suddenly she laughs. Then shadow He looks directly at me but says nothing. I am not sure if he can see or hear me. Other me whispers something to shadow that I can't make out and he smiles very big and almost like he has a secret and suddenly she disappears? And again he is looking right at me. He asks me if he can walk me to class but I look behind me wondering who he is talking to. He practically snatches my hand and drags me to a secluded area. I'm confused and angry amd nervous. And I desperately want to wake up... But before he can say or do anything I stop him and tell him I have to get to class and practically run away leaving him alone. He looks confused when I look back but I just keep running. At the end of the school day he comes to my locker and I start explaining to him everything about our break up and how we don't talk...like ever, and I think he hates me but I'm not sure, my best friend is in love with him on some creppy stalker type status. And he says absolutely nothing. He opens his mouth to say something but closes it quickly he just quickly moves past me to walk away but I catch a glimpse of his face as he does and it almost looks like he is crying. And now I'm completely lost and confused and I feel bad wondering if I said something wrong or I hurt him.mi just didn't know I tried to call after him but he didn't even turn around. I go to run after him but just as I catch up to him I wake up in my bed out of breath... It was the weirdest dream and ive had it like three times. I wasn't angry or even upset at all when I woke up. I actually wanted to go back to sleep to continue the dream and find out what happened and get some answers. My subconscious is obviously trying to tell me something... I just don't get the picture. So I go to school today as usual and I half expect to see another me at my locker but it's reality and no one is there but JD. I was soooo happy to see him it felt like forever since I had seen him. I gave him the biggest hug I have ever given in my entire life and kissed him like it was going to be the last one. I was fine and everything was good. Until band, things got sort of weird at band. So I forgot to bring my uniform to turn it in. But that didn't matter the Escher gave us a free period because we did so well at The last game. So of course everyone is joking and laughing and being funny and having a good time. The drummers isolate themselves to the back room and I thought that was just it. When I get a text from. Friend saying to call this number. I call it and is like a rejection hotline number or something and I laughed and laughed so hard I showed it too my friend Rinny and she cracked up too. But this is all in plain view of the drummers so it felt strange. Later in the class I actually end up bumping right into shadow and because I didn't realize it was him I squeaked because it frightened me. It was sort of embarrassing but he had no reaction besides surprise because we didnt see each other. I half expected him to say something like whoa sorry about that or didn't see out there or even something out of my dream, which totally would have freaked me out. But I had this weird feeling like he had the dream to... No idea why and I know in my head that there is no logical reason why he would have even had that dream. Anyway so after school JD walks me to my locker and I kiss him goodbye and just as I do shadow walks past and I just feel this awkward sensation creeping up in my stomach. Like he was probably thinking I kissed JD on purpose because he was there, but I hadn't even seen him to he passed us. And it got weird. So then my stalker I mean Emmett a friend since freshman year who is in love with me showed up at my locker. As usual he's everywhere he will show up at my classes and he knows when I go to my locker and he always some how just seems to find me. We have a quick conversation about terpsys and his track season starting before I realize my mom is probably waiting for me. Emmett walks me out of school and I assumed he would stay there but he ended up walking me to the car, but before anyof that when we walked down the steps I had the feeling like someone was just staing right at me and I look down and it's shadow. He wasn't creepy staring but he was definitely looking, and I have no clue why. We haven't spoken or looked at each other in months and it's awkward when we are in the same place. I doubt he knew that I saw him and I could have been wrong and maybe he was just looking in my general direction but then I only wondered more if he had that same dream. Ok so walking towards my car another guy from my grade walks up and he says hello and he and emmett exchange sups. And they end up both walking me to the car to say hello to my mother. They introduce themselves and shake her hand. And Emmett gave me a hug and then we drove away. I'm not gonna lie I felt pretty special with two escorts to my car. Anyway so right now I'm at the hair salon typing this right. And a few minutes ago I got the text from the friend who I was telling you about before. I posted pictures of her conversation she sent to me that she had with shadow, about him hating me. And she's just saying hello at first which is strange because she said she was mad at me because I was basically telling her not to do anything stupid towards shadow because of her own issues she has with me. She likes to make drama for me. And her best way to do that is to constantly bug and harass me about my ex always asking questions about us. Like its over between us and I have learned to accept and cope with it through my blogging. She's not so secretly in love with him which is odd because I dont think to this day they have met in person. She explains to me if I want her to stop being mad at me and quit bugging me about if I have feelings for him that I have to put in a good word for her...WITH HIM! What kind of friend does that? I mean I want her to drop this silly argument and quit harassing me but she knows we aren't on speaking grounds so why would she want me to talk to him and put in a good word for her. She wanted me to be her wing woman so she could talk o my ex?! Really? Lol she's childish sometimes. But she's my friend. So I told her i would try. I'm not sure how to even be a wing woman or how I would even approach my ex after all this time. I don't even think I have his number so I can't even like avoid awkward conversation in person. I wouldn't know what to say because I'm not really sure how to handle the situation or how to talk to him about something so randomly as some other female. He could totally curve me and be like no I don't want to talk of I asked. And that I think would be the worse ca scenario. Plus I have no clue how JD would feel about it. And if I do it will shadow feel as awkward as I'm making it's all sound. Like wow you can't talk to me or even look at me for anything else but you want me to give it a shot with one of your best friends?! Whattt? He could be pissed. Or not care at all how do you even respond to something like that. Uhhh it's all so frustrating honestly. Because if I'm going to confront him about something or speak to him at all I'd rather it not be about some other female and I'd prefer it if it wasn't forced. I feel like it would be an excuse to talk to him, like there's no real point. And he would only go home and bad mouth me to his siblings and his friends, who in turn would only lose some level of respect for me but never really tell me that just be standoffish toward me. I know I'm over thinking it way to much and I should stop being a punk beause this is my "friend" I'm talking about but my mind is telling me that I have to do this the right way or I'll be the one who ends up getting hurt or feel awkward when it's all said and done. I've got this big decision to make and I told my friend I would but deep down I think I'm actually afraid in some way to do it. I might just chicken out. And lie to my friend because how would she know if I did or not right? She should understand if I don't want to right? Or at least respect that I don't want to... I dunno what do you guys think I should do and what do you think will happen? I need your advice now! HELP MEEE! Lol alright time to go my dryer just clicked off. -Blog ya later :)

Oh the irony kills...

So much has happened since my last post. Umm... Well I rode home in a cop car, one of my guy friends was being very disrespectful, I've been to the mall like seven times, I have had this bad cold for like a week, and finally the irony of today.
Alright lets start with the cop ride home. So I stayed after school for a club and I was supposed to catch a cab home but things got complicated. I called them and they were like the next cab will come in an hour. And I can't wait outside in the cold for an hour so I decide to walk. I make it like halfway and I'm pooped. The walk is excruciating with my two ton back pack my gym bag and my flute. I happen to be right by a cop and I out of the blue just decide to ask if he can give me a ride home. And he said YES! I was so shocked but mostly thankful. It was so much better than walking. His name is officer Levano. Besides the whole claustrophobic incident in the backseat I was fine. I started silently freaking out when I realized you can't open the back door from the inside.
Ok now onto the guy. He was just being very disrespectful of my relationship andi didn't appreciate it. I've known him since freshman year and he is a friend of mine. But I sort of keep him at arms length because he makes me uncomfortable. He admitted he likes me. Which is cool but I'm happy in my relationship so what did you expect me to do. He tells me every time he tries to make a move I throw a boyfriend in his face. Well obviously they are who I must like. And he is just being rude every time. He comes to my locker everyday without fail, and he will ask me what I'm doing for the weekend in front of my boyfriend and ask me when I'm going to his house. I've been there before and I've met his family and they are cool but it was as his friend and nothing more I just want him to be my friend. He then texts me that he thinks I should break up with my boyfriend and start dating him. And well let's just say it got awkward after that I don't really want to have him to close he makes me feel uncomfortable and awkward and I feel like he is trynna sabotage my relationship. He looks at me as if I am some possession and I can't stand it. He is nervous and odd around me like he is trying to peak at me so I won't notice. His hugs are too long too close and too awkward. I feel like one day he will slip up and move his hand to the wrong place and I'll have to remind him how much I love my boyfriend.
I've been to the mall like a billion times with my best guy friend. Not the creepy one. And it's just soo funny. We are always joking and laughing and having fun. We have too many insiders to count really. Everything with him is just chill and I can be myself without pressure of anything we aren't in a relationship so he doesn't expect anything from me. He isn't clingy and we can just chill without it being awkward. I can drag him into the girly stores or go with him into game stop. And it's fine. And today I went to dunkin doughnuts with him my boyfriend and my girl bubbles. And of course me and jay is what I will call him are laughing and joking and I could tell it was annoying my friends. Because they weren't apart of it. I think my boyfriend actually got jealous too. Which he shouldn't because he knows me and jay are just friends and I'm faithful to him. But I've known may longer than him and he has to also respect that I have my guy friends just like he has his girlfriends and I need him not to be all angry just because I hang out with them. I felt like today at dunkin doughnuts he was fighting for attention the whole time and he was constantly bringing up the fact of the vast amount of insiders and saying he feels left out. It got on my nerves a little bit. Because then he got sort of clingy afterwards. He knows in the cold my joints start to hurt and freeze up on me because I have arthritis. And there he is trying to snatch my hand and all this stuff. I wasn't super upset but slightly annoyed is all. We went to jays house afterward to play video games and just have fun and he chilled out which was cool. But after we both got home he messages me saying he misses me so much already and why can't we just live together, and I won't lie it freaked me out. He knows that stuff messes with my head and I have my own issues that I'm working on but he isn't really helping. He goes on to say when we turn 25 we should get a condo together and whatever. And I'm just like oh. Because I didn't know really what to say. He knows that after this year I can't see him anymore because he will be in college. And there is absolutely nothing I can't do about that. I've argued enough as it is about him with my mother. It's honestly stressing me out. Everything I do with him my mom gets an attitude and it's exhausting really arguing with her everyday and fighting to just stay in my relationship now. It's almost impossible to get a peaceful night. Anywaysss... Today the most ironic thing happens. While walking to jays house I run into my exes older brother and his friend (who is a girl and I also know her). Honestly me and him still talk there is nothing awkward between us so don't over think this. It was ironic because my boyfriend was there and as I speak to shadows brother I could see my boyfriend slowly piecing together that he is my exes brother. We end up talking about my ex right there infrint of my boyfriend. I was like your brother is soo pissed off at me and he says it's only because his friends blow up everything and honestly make it all difficult for him. In my head I'm like well that's just messed up. And his brother tells me he thinks shadow is dumb for breaking up with me. I'm not going to lie it made me feel pretty good hearing him say it. He went on about how good I was to him and it just put the cherry on top of my day. We joked around for a bit and talked more about shadow before I felt like it was possibly getting awkward having my boyfriend standing there hearing the conversation. And plus he had to go get home to his brothers. JD (my boyfriend) ends up telling me it was only slightly awkward but not really since he had nothing to do with it. But it was strange when he realized I was talking to my exes brother like we were best friends. He told me he has no beef with my ex and he doesnt care too which I think is very big of him and I appreciate it a lot. It's almost like when I was dating shadow and I said the same thing to him about his ex. Ironic huh? Well he went on to say even if my ex said hi to him he would say hey and be friendly or whatever. Which I thought might be strange for me to see but then I realized that shadow hates me and my boyfriend so I will thankfully never have to deal with that sort of issue of my ex and boyfriend being all buddy buddy. And I think that is pretty much it. Improbably left out a couple of other things that happened recently but I can't remember if there was anything thing else that was blog worthy. So I guess this is it for my rant of today lol so til next time. -Blog ya later (:

The epiphany...

Your all telling me I'm not being truthful with myself and with all of you about my feelings. So heres the truth: Sometimes I'm happy so happy it's scary for no reason at all Sometimes I'm sad so sad and angry and hurt because of whatever's going on that day. As for shadow and yes I gave him his nickname back not really sure just why yet but there it is. Anyway as for him I was completely going through shit. So much shit that I blocked it all out. I think I'd want to call it selective amnesia. Or selective denial.i wanted to be upset with him but he didn't give me enough of a reason to be. He never cheated he treated me right he WAS a good boyfriend. So when we broke up I couldn't be like I can't believe he did that too me so I would dwell on whatever he did that was bad like yelling or bad mouthing me to my friend. I never gave him any slack.i didn't want to forgive him and I knew for whatever reason I knew I wanted to be his friend but it might have been too early at the time to pretend like I was ok with it all. Strangest thing is when we broke up I almost wanted to be the friend he ran to and I'd be all supportive and tell him whatever it was he needs to hear. Everyone I mean teachers parents friends told me you need to go talk to him and I'm sad that I never swallowed whatever ego and pride I had left and just did it.but I respect my own desicion because I wasn't strong enough for his side of the story at the time. That whole section of my life just was labeled awkward. It was awkward to see him awkward to talk to his friends just awkward. The other day of course I find a voicemail on my phone from him. And it took me a nanosecond to realize it was his voice. The voicemail is from soooooo long ago but silly me I never check them. It's obviously from early in our relationship of you can even call it a relationship because he sounds pretty nervous. He's basically saying he remembered my cell number but forgot my house number so it's not his fault I didn't pick up and he would tell me to check it in the morning as proof he did call to say goodnight and he loves me. I was with my family during the storm with no power when I decided to check my messages. You could tell I was bored because I never check my voicemail. Anyways just imagine my face listening to this message from him. From a time when we spoke and we were nice to each other from a time where he loved me and I loved him. My jaw was practically on the floor my eyes glued open. I could not believe after all this time something like that wuld be on my phone. Then I tried to play it cool so my cousins didn't notice I was having an emotional breakdown. At first I sort of shrugged it off like ehh I don't care it's old it's in the past erase it and listen to the rest of the messages until he said I love you goodnight. I was pretty shaken. I didn't cry though it just see,Ed like such a foreign idea. It was like you love me? Is that possible? But why? No tears fell so I'm still good. I tried to erase it but I ended up leaving it. Why I'm not sure and no I'm not just gonna like wank off to his voice or something cause that would be creepy lmao. I dunno I just didn't erase it yet. I'll do that eventually. I just felt it ironic that I hadn't thought there could be anything left around me to remind me of him. And then there's this voicemail from him. I thought I had erased all the pictures given back all the presents and whatever was left went into the caution box. If you don't know what a caution box is its a shoe box I found and I wrapped it with police caution tale filled it with things that give me bad feels and shoved it under my bed. It exists because every boyfriend I get feels the need to buy me cute little this. But I know if we break up having it by me makes me remember or feel sad about it being there. Because if it's jewelry I won't wear it. If its a love letter I can't read it again if its a stuffed animal I can't leave it on my bed. So that's where  it all goes. I'm not sure how that voicemail is gonna get in that box but I'll figure it out lmao. BUT GET THIS! After shadows message was a message from his brother, the younger one. He's just being silly and he says " hello umm is this the ****** ****** residence if it is then SEVEN DAYS! And if you didn't hear me I said seven days...like from the movie the ring, and if you don't get what I mean I'm saying your gonna die in seven days." and that's it. I was cracking up for a half hour over the message because it was soo random and funny after something like shadows message. Of course I had other messages that were equally funny but this one was just the best of the bunch along with one from my older cousin who must have been drunk because he is slurring his words and saying happy birthday and saying he misses me and giving me his number and crap...funny stuffs.
So to all of you telling me that I'm over exaggerating when I say I can't escape my past. Fuck you all! It's freaaking everywhere. I want to cry and throw myself into a depression void and eat ice cream til I gain 50 pounds and watch sappy romantic comedies. But I'm not depressed enough for that maybe a little nostalgic and very curious. But I have to put on a brave face for my boyfriend because I don't like speaking with him about my past. It's just awkward. I feel like its not really his problem. And I know I have issues with telling people what I'm really feeling and exposing my self in words but that's JUST ME! I know I got into the relationship too soon after the break up. And maybe I wasn't ready but JD really was the only person who could make me smile and laugh  and he liked me. I'm not sure if my intention was to date him at first or for him to be a really good friend. I told him when he asked me out the problems we would have. Some he didnt really know about. I told him when he graduates we cannot date anymore I can't go to prom with him because then I would go to a total of three proms . And my parents weren't ok with it last time.and I was emotionally damaged not just from shadow but other relationships and me being sick and family members being sick. I try to let the other person really know what they are getting themselves into. I tell them my phobias which include being picked up, feet, and sharing my feelings. Sometimes I show them my blog usually I don't though I like to remain private. jD convinced me everything idle be ok and he could save my heart and he sent me pictures of him praying in church we could be together and I really liked him I wanted to date him. Because I needed his happiness and good vibes around me I thought he was incredibly cute but didn't know it and I was excited to have a boyfriend who didn't have self esteem issues or family issues or daddy issues or clingy issues but someone who I didn't need to fix and be strong for all the time. I needed someone who could be my rock. Little did I know at the time he did have these issues and they showed themselves in time. I struggled to help him but it felt wrong or weird because I know helping others normally hurts me in the end...I was afraid that whenever I was down he just wouldn't understand or know how to help and I wouldn't be able to talk to him about it. The way to help is not for me to talk about it I've learned for me it makes me feel crappy but to take my mind completely off of the topic and to get me laughing and happy. I am so happy I am dating JD and I'm more happy that he and shadow have no connection whatsoever. Because that would be awkward. I love him and I'm glad we have struggled through all this time and I know he loves me too. But in the back of my head I'm always thinking my mom doesn't like him and dad doesn't know about him and doesn't want to know and in a couple of months we won't be together and I'll be on my own. I worry about how that will effect me. I wonder how things will be in school. To be alone. I like being alone actually, I prefer being single but people don't bother to hang around if you don't want something "more" with them. Males particularly males just don't know how to be your friend and only your friend in the generation. They get bored of you and eventually fade away and stop trying. but being an only child I work better alone I don't like to get into drama and fusses or get to used to something because it's too easy to break me sometimes. And because. Don't communicate we'll people can't really help me. People ask If I love JD or he was just a rebound. I love JD and I'm sure of it. I understand we started dating way too early and it's probably why I'm so messed up now in terms of closure. But he is not a rebound. People ask if I have gotten bored of him, and I doubt that could ever happen. But I'm less inclined to deal with things. If he is extra clingy one day it drives me away because it scares me. Of he has and issues at home I can normally help him but if it's a self esteem problem and he is just down in the dumps I almost feel as if I can't help him because he doesn't wanna be helped he just wants to be depressed for the moment. Or if I don't see him for too long. When I do see him it feels strange. I don't know why he would bother with me honestly. I have nothing to offer. Im not sexually active I don't play video games I'm always busy  I don't communicate well and I think I'm pretty stubborn. Maybe I'm stuck up? Or prissy? I take a minimum four showers a day and I eat properly as British people do I'm a neat freak and some days I'm just not in the mood. I just want to go to school dance come home eat homework and sleep. It's hard to describe the feeling. I just want everything to be straight forward like there's no time to stop and breathe and talk and do normal things I just have to be on the move. And catch me if you can. jD is jealous too very jealous. To me if your jealous I kinda see it as you don't trust me. If you trust me it shouldn't matter who I talk to you don't need to know where I am every second of everyday. Sometimes I need time to just be with my friends. And yes some of my friends are guys. And they have been ,y friend longer than I have even known you. You I have friend duties I have to tend to! I don't want to neglect them. People flirt with me all the time but it's because it's in their nature I'm not some beautiful goddess or model kind of girl that has every guy looking at me. But when people flirt I am kind I'm response I'll normally tell them if it makes me uncomfortable or if it's inappropriate. Because theres a huge difference between you looked nice today Lexi and you looked so hot today Lexi damn that ass girl! When you gonna let me hit?! You see you gotta know what's appropriate and what isn't. My guy friends keep me sane honestly. They have zero drama and they just want to have fun honestly. Females are different we are emotionally majestic creatures we deal with so much and sometimes we don't know how to balance it all... We just snap sometimes. And we turn to our friends usually for help before a parent or a boyfriend.be patient with us boys. We will come around trust me. We arent all crabby and gold diggers and hoes and all of these things but a lot of us have our own issues and if you want us bad enough you gotta figure out what your role in our life will be and how to be what we need and we will do the same for you...hopefully cause I know some girls are really just trifling! Lol Anyways I'm way off topic so just to wrap up. I appologize to firstly myself for my issues secondly to my boyfriend because I can be a handful sometimes thirdly to my friends because I may be distant at times and lastly to shadow because he didnt deserve my bad vibes we should still be friends dating or not. It shouldn't be this awkward and neither one of us should hate each other. I'm sorry for over analyzing or caring too much about whatever is going on with you and your relation to me. And I know to back off and retract the claws I have at your throat. If we are friends cool if not still cool I understand and this is it. I appologize to my readers for the mixed signals it's me being in denial. I'll answer your questions truthfully without getting snappy about it. I'll write about more interesting things, I'll post the poetry I've been writi because I thought it was too personall even for my blog but I'll suck it up. And let's just say I'm moving on with life I'll work on my issues and stop being distant and be more accepting and open towards people. But from this day on I promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me god. I'm going to be blunt with my answers too so watch out. Ask me ANYTHING! I don't care what it is or who you are you will get an answer. Welp until next time... -Blog ya later :)