The epiphany...

Your all telling me I'm not being truthful with myself and with all of you about my feelings. So heres the truth: Sometimes I'm happy so happy it's scary for no reason at all Sometimes I'm sad so sad and angry and hurt because of whatever's going on that day. As for shadow and yes I gave him his nickname back not really sure just why yet but there it is. Anyway as for him I was completely going through shit. So much shit that I blocked it all out. I think I'd want to call it selective amnesia. Or selective denial.i wanted to be upset with him but he didn't give me enough of a reason to be. He never cheated he treated me right he WAS a good boyfriend. So when we broke up I couldn't be like I can't believe he did that too me so I would dwell on whatever he did that was bad like yelling or bad mouthing me to my friend. I never gave him any slack.i didn't want to forgive him and I knew for whatever reason I knew I wanted to be his friend but it might have been too early at the time to pretend like I was ok with it all. Strangest thing is when we broke up I almost wanted to be the friend he ran to and I'd be all supportive and tell him whatever it was he needs to hear. Everyone I mean teachers parents friends told me you need to go talk to him and I'm sad that I never swallowed whatever ego and pride I had left and just did it.but I respect my own desicion because I wasn't strong enough for his side of the story at the time. That whole section of my life just was labeled awkward. It was awkward to see him awkward to talk to his friends just awkward. The other day of course I find a voicemail on my phone from him. And it took me a nanosecond to realize it was his voice. The voicemail is from soooooo long ago but silly me I never check them. It's obviously from early in our relationship of you can even call it a relationship because he sounds pretty nervous. He's basically saying he remembered my cell number but forgot my house number so it's not his fault I didn't pick up and he would tell me to check it in the morning as proof he did call to say goodnight and he loves me. I was with my family during the storm with no power when I decided to check my messages. You could tell I was bored because I never check my voicemail. Anyways just imagine my face listening to this message from him. From a time when we spoke and we were nice to each other from a time where he loved me and I loved him. My jaw was practically on the floor my eyes glued open. I could not believe after all this time something like that wuld be on my phone. Then I tried to play it cool so my cousins didn't notice I was having an emotional breakdown. At first I sort of shrugged it off like ehh I don't care it's old it's in the past erase it and listen to the rest of the messages until he said I love you goodnight. I was pretty shaken. I didn't cry though it just see,Ed like such a foreign idea. It was like you love me? Is that possible? But why? No tears fell so I'm still good. I tried to erase it but I ended up leaving it. Why I'm not sure and no I'm not just gonna like wank off to his voice or something cause that would be creepy lmao. I dunno I just didn't erase it yet. I'll do that eventually. I just felt it ironic that I hadn't thought there could be anything left around me to remind me of him. And then there's this voicemail from him. I thought I had erased all the pictures given back all the presents and whatever was left went into the caution box. If you don't know what a caution box is its a shoe box I found and I wrapped it with police caution tale filled it with things that give me bad feels and shoved it under my bed. It exists because every boyfriend I get feels the need to buy me cute little this. But I know if we break up having it by me makes me remember or feel sad about it being there. Because if it's jewelry I won't wear it. If its a love letter I can't read it again if its a stuffed animal I can't leave it on my bed. So that's where  it all goes. I'm not sure how that voicemail is gonna get in that box but I'll figure it out lmao. BUT GET THIS! After shadows message was a message from his brother, the younger one. He's just being silly and he says " hello umm is this the ****** ****** residence if it is then SEVEN DAYS! And if you didn't hear me I said seven days...like from the movie the ring, and if you don't get what I mean I'm saying your gonna die in seven days." and that's it. I was cracking up for a half hour over the message because it was soo random and funny after something like shadows message. Of course I had other messages that were equally funny but this one was just the best of the bunch along with one from my older cousin who must have been drunk because he is slurring his words and saying happy birthday and saying he misses me and giving me his number and crap...funny stuffs.
So to all of you telling me that I'm over exaggerating when I say I can't escape my past. Fuck you all! It's freaaking everywhere. I want to cry and throw myself into a depression void and eat ice cream til I gain 50 pounds and watch sappy romantic comedies. But I'm not depressed enough for that maybe a little nostalgic and very curious. But I have to put on a brave face for my boyfriend because I don't like speaking with him about my past. It's just awkward. I feel like its not really his problem. And I know I have issues with telling people what I'm really feeling and exposing my self in words but that's JUST ME! I know I got into the relationship too soon after the break up. And maybe I wasn't ready but JD really was the only person who could make me smile and laugh  and he liked me. I'm not sure if my intention was to date him at first or for him to be a really good friend. I told him when he asked me out the problems we would have. Some he didnt really know about. I told him when he graduates we cannot date anymore I can't go to prom with him because then I would go to a total of three proms . And my parents weren't ok with it last time.and I was emotionally damaged not just from shadow but other relationships and me being sick and family members being sick. I try to let the other person really know what they are getting themselves into. I tell them my phobias which include being picked up, feet, and sharing my feelings. Sometimes I show them my blog usually I don't though I like to remain private. jD convinced me everything idle be ok and he could save my heart and he sent me pictures of him praying in church we could be together and I really liked him I wanted to date him. Because I needed his happiness and good vibes around me I thought he was incredibly cute but didn't know it and I was excited to have a boyfriend who didn't have self esteem issues or family issues or daddy issues or clingy issues but someone who I didn't need to fix and be strong for all the time. I needed someone who could be my rock. Little did I know at the time he did have these issues and they showed themselves in time. I struggled to help him but it felt wrong or weird because I know helping others normally hurts me in the end...I was afraid that whenever I was down he just wouldn't understand or know how to help and I wouldn't be able to talk to him about it. The way to help is not for me to talk about it I've learned for me it makes me feel crappy but to take my mind completely off of the topic and to get me laughing and happy. I am so happy I am dating JD and I'm more happy that he and shadow have no connection whatsoever. Because that would be awkward. I love him and I'm glad we have struggled through all this time and I know he loves me too. But in the back of my head I'm always thinking my mom doesn't like him and dad doesn't know about him and doesn't want to know and in a couple of months we won't be together and I'll be on my own. I worry about how that will effect me. I wonder how things will be in school. To be alone. I like being alone actually, I prefer being single but people don't bother to hang around if you don't want something "more" with them. Males particularly males just don't know how to be your friend and only your friend in the generation. They get bored of you and eventually fade away and stop trying. but being an only child I work better alone I don't like to get into drama and fusses or get to used to something because it's too easy to break me sometimes. And because. Don't communicate we'll people can't really help me. People ask If I love JD or he was just a rebound. I love JD and I'm sure of it. I understand we started dating way too early and it's probably why I'm so messed up now in terms of closure. But he is not a rebound. People ask if I have gotten bored of him, and I doubt that could ever happen. But I'm less inclined to deal with things. If he is extra clingy one day it drives me away because it scares me. Of he has and issues at home I can normally help him but if it's a self esteem problem and he is just down in the dumps I almost feel as if I can't help him because he doesn't wanna be helped he just wants to be depressed for the moment. Or if I don't see him for too long. When I do see him it feels strange. I don't know why he would bother with me honestly. I have nothing to offer. Im not sexually active I don't play video games I'm always busy  I don't communicate well and I think I'm pretty stubborn. Maybe I'm stuck up? Or prissy? I take a minimum four showers a day and I eat properly as British people do I'm a neat freak and some days I'm just not in the mood. I just want to go to school dance come home eat homework and sleep. It's hard to describe the feeling. I just want everything to be straight forward like there's no time to stop and breathe and talk and do normal things I just have to be on the move. And catch me if you can. jD is jealous too very jealous. To me if your jealous I kinda see it as you don't trust me. If you trust me it shouldn't matter who I talk to you don't need to know where I am every second of everyday. Sometimes I need time to just be with my friends. And yes some of my friends are guys. And they have been ,y friend longer than I have even known you. You I have friend duties I have to tend to! I don't want to neglect them. People flirt with me all the time but it's because it's in their nature I'm not some beautiful goddess or model kind of girl that has every guy looking at me. But when people flirt I am kind I'm response I'll normally tell them if it makes me uncomfortable or if it's inappropriate. Because theres a huge difference between you looked nice today Lexi and you looked so hot today Lexi damn that ass girl! When you gonna let me hit?! You see you gotta know what's appropriate and what isn't. My guy friends keep me sane honestly. They have zero drama and they just want to have fun honestly. Females are different we are emotionally majestic creatures we deal with so much and sometimes we don't know how to balance it all... We just snap sometimes. And we turn to our friends usually for help before a parent or a boyfriend.be patient with us boys. We will come around trust me. We arent all crabby and gold diggers and hoes and all of these things but a lot of us have our own issues and if you want us bad enough you gotta figure out what your role in our life will be and how to be what we need and we will do the same for you...hopefully cause I know some girls are really just trifling! Lol Anyways I'm way off topic so just to wrap up. I appologize to firstly myself for my issues secondly to my boyfriend because I can be a handful sometimes thirdly to my friends because I may be distant at times and lastly to shadow because he didnt deserve my bad vibes we should still be friends dating or not. It shouldn't be this awkward and neither one of us should hate each other. I'm sorry for over analyzing or caring too much about whatever is going on with you and your relation to me. And I know to back off and retract the claws I have at your throat. If we are friends cool if not still cool I understand and this is it. I appologize to my readers for the mixed signals it's me being in denial. I'll answer your questions truthfully without getting snappy about it. I'll write about more interesting things, I'll post the poetry I've been writi because I thought it was too personall even for my blog but I'll suck it up. And let's just say I'm moving on with life I'll work on my issues and stop being distant and be more accepting and open towards people. But from this day on I promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me god. I'm going to be blunt with my answers too so watch out. Ask me ANYTHING! I don't care what it is or who you are you will get an answer. Welp until next time... -Blog ya later :)