Inhale, exhale

Ok you can do this.myou write paragraphs elaborate stories and poems about how you feel like everyday. Why is it so hard for me to just have a conversation about it. I'll keep something bottled up for so long until I finally just give in to insanity Ok let me back track a little bit and explain. And yes I am crying before anyone decides to ask. Well I'm frustrated because of these strange mini argument me and JD have. Like a silent war. We get all angry for like a minute then just shove the issue away and try to forget about it. And it's slowly building up to where I can't handle it on top of everything Else. So I think our first mini argument was awhile back about him joining the marines. I didn't exactly want him to because it's dangerous and they would ship him out all over the world but I also don't want to hold him back. And I wasn't the only one who felt that way about it. I pleaded my case and at the end he SWORE. TI me he wouldnt do it. He ended up going for training the next day because they wouldn't take no for an answer. I was hurt because he swore. Eventually he told them but they convinced him to stay and do him training and become something that I guess isnt in the field I'm not to clear on what the position is. Or what it actually means but I guess that's one issue. Another issue is azzam we both agree he has to back off. But I don't want him to do it because I know how stubborn azzam is and I know how much JD craves respect. And I know they are going to end up fighting. So I'm afraid at any moment that whole situation could just fall apart. Then there's my whole communication issue. Im at a loss when it comes to just saying whatever the issue is to a person. But on my blog I can write for days. And JD finally told me it made him upset and hurt. But he knows it's one of the issues that's a work in progress. This blog is how I communicate how I blow off steam. It keeps me sane. But he wants me to just talk to him. Which sounds easy and logical but I physically emotionally and mentally I'm just not able to. I keep things bottled up then blog it out. It's been that way for a long time. I don't tell people things because I don't know how I might word it wrong. I don't think they can help I feel like I'm complaining and I hate that and I hate being seen as weak as I am. I don't want to bother people with my issues because it could be way worse.and they seem like nothing to everyone else. I have a friend lets call him "dos" he is like my bestest guy friend of all time. Like I'll go to his house and play video games and chill but strictly as friends. We have sooo many insiders it's ridiculous. We just understand each other. Like that's my homie I can finish his sentences and sometimes it's like we are speaking another language there are so many insiders. People don't even understand what we are talking about. And it frustrates JD to witness it. I understand why it would but he shouldn't get jealous. He has nothing to worry about dos he is strictly seriously and really my friend. Then we were trying to have a conversation on the phone yesturday but I was slightly preoccupied with my favorite tv show the walking dead. I actually missed the mid season finale so I was watching the saved dvr version last night. It was awesome by the Way. And I was so into it that I'm like yelling at the tv while I'm I. The phone with him. Mind you I made it through the whole school day without anyone ruining or spoiling it. Which was extremely difficult because like practically the whole school watches. Like the walking dead is the only time I have to just relax for a second and enjoy something. I get up extra early take my bazillion showers go through a stressful day of school avoiding my stalker and dealing with shadow drama. Then I go dance during and after school everyday. Which is tiring to say the least I get home late and exhausted not to have to do homework and when I finally finish I'm battling another six showers eating because I don't eat lunch or breakfast and then texting and squeezing in whatever tv time I can get.so like the dumbass I am I try to kill to birds with one stone by watching the show while I was on the phone with him. Of course he was frustrated because I was so focused on the show. But he didn't even say anyof that. We held a normal or what I thought was a normal conversation during the commercial. And he decides to get even he would spoil the end. And the walking dead you could imagine it being like video games it's serious for me I'm really into it. So immediately I'm pissed. I finally get some down time to relax I defended against everyone trying to ruin it all day and just when I think I can relax and just watch the show he spoils it. At that point I don't want to even watch it anymore it was ruined. I just wanted to hang up and go to sleep...so I did. Today someone dared me to go to school tomorrow and speak with my British accent all day. So I never do that because I don't like the attention it brings me and I'd rather not deal with the can you say how do you say conversations. So I ask JD if I should do it and he says yeah but not around him. Because he doesn't like my accent. It's just putting on a show for other people and he would rather my "normal voice" I'm offended of course. Because it wasn't my idea in the first place so it's not like I want to put a show on for anyone. That's the opposite of what I'm trying to do. He wants to hear my normal voice but if he knew me he knows that is my normal voice. It's what I'm used to its how I speak at home that's my native tongue if you will. So the way he just without any regard to my reaction tells me he doesn't like my accent and it's only for the show for other people. Yeah I got pretty offended... You see it's dumb little arguments and they really do pile up and have an affect on me eventually. I try to pretend like they don't but I'm a stressed ou person and for me I really need him to be my rock no nonsense I need him to be strong for me because I'm weak even though I don't show it. Before we started dating I told him all of my flaws. I told him things I've never told anyone and things I haven't even written on here. I warned him about my communication issues and that I was damaged and his exact words I'll never forget "let me fix your heart" So I took a leap of faith because I really liked him and I figured he could handle all my flaws and issues. It's a lot to ask for I know but it's me. I'm not perfect and I'm not always happy I'm damaged and I'm not always nice I'll yell and scream and I have issues communicating well I have guy friends and girl friend who I talk to on a norm. I have a British accent that I can't do anything about... And it's all just me. I juggle way too much at one time. All my honors classes marching band concert band dance in school dance at lunch I don't even eat lunch anymore dance ensemble terpsys trying to do the school musical RENT trying out for teen idol. Auditioning a dance piece without my partner even being there. It's a lot. And I get stressed and try to hold it in and write it out and shower and write poems and dance it out. But it doesn't mean it's all better and it doesn't mean I communicate any better. And on top of having absolutely no time to myself which mean I have even less than that to spend with JD my mother to make things even more complicated and messed up doesn't like JD. At all. She just for what ever reason doesn't trust him. So he's not really able to come here and I can't really go out with him. And although me and him never talk about it we know when he graduates I'm not allowd to see him like ever again. Thats something only him me and my mother knows. And my mother and I argue about it soo often. We have gone weeks without speaking because of arguing over it. And I never tell anyone about those argument because it's just too much and I never write them on here. And sometimes it gets so bad it gets to a point where my mom will hit me and yell in my face and curse me out calling me dumb stupid and a bitch. It's a lot to carry on my shoulders.its a lot to juggle. So it all sums up to really make me the bad guy I'm the villain in the story. It's my fault I can't communicate my fault I do so much. My fault I have no time. My fault for azzam and letting it escalate to quickly. My fault he can't go to the marines my fault I get upset for little things because the big things are just over flowing. My fault I have bad history with my ex and I just haven't let it go. My fault we have to break up at the end of this year. It all ends up pointing back at me. If I were just easier to communicate with if I didn't take all honors classes if didn't join so many after school programs if I'd just been blunt and harsh to azzam and told him to hit the road. If I only weren't British. If I could simply be simple. And just let life happen as it will. Let everything just melt away. Stop caring so much. Stop being an empath. Stop getting offended and a cry so easily. Just stop everything and be there for JD and well everyone at the same time to help everyone including myself. And none of its really that serious but it's really taking a toll on me.i feel like I'm struggling to keep up with my own life. There's no time for anything or anyone and yet everyone needs something from me whether they ask or not and I'm involved in so many things that are obligations. There's no time for fun and games. Its all just too much and I'm tired. Plus all that on top of my health issues which of course I haven't told anyone. Having arthritis snycope vertigo. Having a concussion and forget things. My health issues seem to only be getting worse according to my neurologist. Last month he told me there was a possibility I could die from trauma or something to the brain I didn't really understand. I have anxiety issues and my immune system is ass. It's a lot...too much and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm sort of trapped in my personal hell. Like I dug a hole and buried myself in it. What am I doing? Ughhhh.... Alright I'm done my fingers hurt.. -Blog ya later