When I needed you the most...

So umm today was strange between me and shadow almost as if we were having a silent argument all day...

In the morning we were having a conversation with a bunch of friends they brought up something I didn't know about so I told them just that. Sad part about it was shadow just stood their laughing along with them as they each called me stupid and a dumb b*tch... I was just standing there awkwardly like the outcast of the group and they all just tore me to pieces....

Next incident of the day was theatre.. In his class we all got monologues even me although I'm technically not in the class... He had a partner and we were told to split of into separate areas of the room to work with your partner and your partner only.... So I let shadow work in the back and I work alone in the front reading it and practicing it and whatever. Then he has his friend come over who tells me that he doesn't want to get a bad grade because shadow is in a bad mood because I was being condescending and facetious .... And that's what hurt me the most... He was probably mad because in the morning I didn't give him a kiss before he left to go to his class...well at the moment my mind was preoccupied with all of the things his friends had called me. Even besides that I realize I was being distant recently my fault I take responsibility for it so I went to him because he I guess could not stand to come over and talk things out with me.... I asked him what's wrong he said nothing... I asked what's really wrong he said he was sick.which is true but why have your friend come up to me and tell me all of this if you did not want to talk...

Next incident after school I finished dance class and I ran upstairs to my locker so I would not miss him...but he never came. I waited for maybe ten minutes before I walked over to where his locker was but he was no where to be found. At this point I really needed him I needed to talk to him.i wanted to talk things out and explain everything... So here is the full explanation:

As everyone knows I hate complaining I don't even talk about myself that much...this is why there are certain things that shadow does not actually know not because I did not trust him to know but it was hard for me to say its out loud. Recently I have been through Alot... But today I finally snapped. Firstly my friend is living with me...shadow met her at the library but. He doesn't know her full story...she has been my best friend since we were like six and two years ago she ran away I had not heard from her or anything and then randomly one day she calls me out of the blue at 12:09 in the morning and long story short she lives here now...I love her being here and I don't want her to leave but could you imagine how hard that is for someone to deal with and act like everything is ok? Secondly the whole morning situation and condescending and facetious name calling.. And lastly today after school I broke down...why you might ask well... After looking all around the school for him and various other people asking where he was I realized that he had just left no good bye no text just plainly left...well the reason I was soo desperately looking for him is that I recently found out that my uncle has cancer...he is about to die and no one in my family told me.i wanted to tell him that this is why lately I haven't been particularly happy or acting all lovey Dover because I was carrying the weight of all of this drama with me...I really needed a shoulder to cry on at the time and he was nowhere insight. I told a close friend of mine and he helped a little but I would rather have shadow... I held back tears for sooo long and I finally found a place where I was all alone and I sat there and cried my eyes out for like a half hour...

This was when I needed him the most not to complain to or explain all my problems to but just to be there when during this time...

So if you happen to read this shadow I am sorry for being condescending and facetious and distant and a stupid bitch according to your friends but if you gave me a chance to explain you would know why and I wouldn't be in my room crying as I write this post.if you had only been straight forward when I asked what was truly wrong in science class things would be different.... I guess it's somehow my fault and this post in no way is to make you feel like a jerk it's just everything I have been carrying around all the time with me....

Ironically enough after I had pulled myself together my ex texted me and I ended up telling him partially about my uncle...

The 110th post!!!!

So this is the 110th post on my blog super siked super hyped.....hoping to start some new projects...like a new story some videos advice column...some pics of my new nail business which officially starts today...
speaking of which in case you didnt know i charge people five dollars to get both hands donme whatever design you want with any color...wayy less then the nail salon and convienent! either way this post is not about advertising but pictures of nail designs are comming up and i am taking nail ideas. today im trying something completely new on my Bestie ellie's nails if you know the game ANGRY BIRDS i will paint the red bird on her nails...hopefully it will work.
so far around my school i hear seniors talking bout prom dates and dress, juniors worried about the winter formal, Sophmores my class confused about what we should be worried about so we get wrapped up in gossip, Freshman trying to find their place in this school and trying to make friends with as many upperclassmen as possible. I am not much of a gossiper so i cant spill juicy secrets about my classmates or tell you who is cheating on who because frankly i dont care about that junk... this is about giving advice to people who need help on everyday issues....issues that i myself have suffered through.
I began writing my story this period but its just a draft andi am not sure i like the dialogue but the physical gestures are nice...ill post that sometime soon.
and ummm.... i guess thats all for now so til next time
-Blog ya Later!

Caught feelings?!

So uh... This is awkward for me to write but who cares...

Last week I got a message from an angry reader because I had not been posting "religiously" which I am truly and deeply sorry about so much has been going on in my life... And now here comes the awkward part. The other day I was hanging in my school auditorium waiting for my dance class to start with a bunch of people including my lil sis and my ex (jake) at first I'm like whatever I dont care we can both be in the same room and not have to have an awkward conversation...and that's exactly what happened. We sorta started talking because no one else around us was having a conversation we were apart of... He joked that I still had on my choker from like first grade and I joked that his legs were still like chicken legs like In first grade... We laughed and joked around and then it got really serious when he asked about how me and shadow are doing... My automatic response was we are great but before I could even let that out I had to ask how he even knew...apparently he "knows everything" there was a strange vibe he was sending me at this point. He kept doing that thing I hate when. A guy looks you up and down but doesn't look at your face...never the less because I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts he quickly responds that I never truly answered his question and he accused me of not being in love to which I was highly offended long story short that was practically the end of our conversation... It was strange mostly because I could not tell his emotion from his facial expression... He was acting pretty nonchalant but at the same time flirty but stand offish...it bugged me that I could never tell or even guess what was going on up there like pretty much everyone else I know. He's got too many things going on up there at once. It got me thinking if in that moment I couldn't tell his mood cause he was feeling the unthinkable...the unimaginable that we could ever be...together ever again. Which I could never do to myself I refuse....I do not hate him but things can't be the same ever again. Mixed feelings on the subject....

Anywayssss.... Today I had dance practice also and I first went to the library where I ran into everyone from my school including a guy I call nemo he has been sick so he hasn't been to school in a long time. My prayers are with him to get better. Then I saw a friend from terpsys and another girl from my band class with her sister. And the buff junior from crew! It was fun seeing all of them. My freshman from dance is mad cool I helped her with her algebra then she saw my nails and like had a heart attack! She was like omg who did them I'm going to whoever did yours! And because I did my own I told her well I did them on my own free hand no stickers or anything :) and I would do hers also for $5 or $2.50 if she brought a friend which she quickly agreed to so next Thursday I'll be doing her nails and three other girls nails at my house you know. Making that money :)

Soo I gotta go...

-Blog ya later

not meant to be...

So i took my drivers ed written test yesturday....i missed it by two points....and i really do not like the teacher but i have to go back to her to retake it :( i mean i would be less upset if i wasnt off by only two points seriously....either way i plan on passing it next time ive been taking this practice test at bridgewaterdrivingschool.com which everyone says is the best thing to do when trying to pass! everyone who passed took like these practice tests and i was stuck studying from a packet :/ which did not help at all..but whatever things happen for a reason...what ever the reason may be i cant beat myself up over it so ill study harder and get a 100% next time :) cross your fingers for me you guys :)

Why is shadow so amazing?

I'm a huge creeper for saving all the texts that made me smile or blush or the funny feeling when your light headed your flying for a second and butterflies sworm in your stomach...anyway that's a little off topic....so here you go all the cute texts he has sent me:

• I just want you to know, that your the reason I getup in the morning, and seeing you makes me feel so good . And kissing you is the best feeling in the world next to holding you.
• You make life worthwhile
• I love you. Those three words have so much meaning and I mean every single letter. Thinking about you makes me smile and knowing that I have a chance to see you everyday makes me the happiest man that ever lived. I love you and I mean it in everyday possible there Is
• your the best. Seriously your just amazing in everyway. There's no such thing as another you.im so happy to love you and nobody else
• Words are nothing without inspiration and baby your all the inspiration I'll ever need.

This is all I'm going to write cause you people don't need to know all my business but I got that feeling all over again just reading these texts :) I love him so much :) and I'm so lucky to have him all to my self...

-blog ya later!

Happy new year...from a new me

It's 2012 bitchessss!! I'm sooo glad I got to talk to shadow through the cross over ( the ball dropping) and my cousins are here with Me and we are screaming and acting crazy and swooping stories..let's call them "jacquline and carter" we even got a bottle to drink :D but don't tell anyone! We messed with my crazy little yorkie Nala.... I recently found out thar shadow is allergic to her :(

It's all cool though we know now and it won't happen again...ever

Either way we exchanged gifts on Christmas he got me the best gift EVER! It was two mix tapes personally made by him and a journal that had a whole bunch of cute doodles from when he was younger and an explaination of why he chose each song and why it's important! I love it and I listen to them everyday :) I made him this amazing card it had a cute storyline and everything it took a long time to make! The storyline was basically me searching for the perfect gift and everything I got for him just some how wasn't working out or it wasn't good enough it was all hand drawn and colored and it was just all around amazing in my opinion...and I got him like an axe pack because he likes axe and I'm selfish and I'm kinda addicted to axe!

One time I sniffed a random guy in the mall because he was wearing axe and he smelled sooooo good.

He seemed to like it I hope... I've already started working on his birthday gift and if all works out its gonna be amazing on every level of amazing ness! Anyways I gotta go jacquline and carter are giving me that look lol!

So... Till next time

-blog ya later!