Too much to handle...

What's going on with my life?! Something's up with JD and my mom just everything is happening at once and there's no one to turn to. First JD texts me saying he has changed his phone pass code. It didn't bother me at all. He tells me since I don't let him in my phone he is changing it. A valid point so I wasn't mad. I trust him, he barely texts anyone and I'm not looking through his messages anyway. I ask if he did it to make me upset, he said no, but after trying to make sense of it all he tells me he thought I would be mad. If he knew I would be mad he had two options. Either don't tell me, or dont do it in the first place. He admits he lied about changing it. Meaning he just wanted to make me mad. I brushed it off not to serious right. Later he calls me, in just a terrible mood how he's lonely and if I'm not there he has nothing to do and no one to talk to. So I'm like I'll comfort my boo :) no problem I suggest taking up a new hobby or shopping walking running anything t keep busy. Because I'm not always available. He sort of shoots every idea I give him down. I get slightly frustrated because he just seems to be in a mood and he doesn't wanna really hear what I'm telling him...so why call me! I tell him he is too close minded and he just sets off. He yells at me saying he doesn't like when people tell him that and whatever. I also brush that off thinking maybe it's just one of them days. So we spend practically all night on the phone talking nonsense. He asks if he could come over Friday (which is now today). I tell him no, so of course he asks why not (rather harshly actually). At first I tell him it's just to make him angry, slightly to get back at him for the phone thing, but I'm just playing around I tell him it's because I have to finish my summer assignments for school. And once again he is yelling at me, I really can't take being yelled at I just shut down and I can't handle it. He is screaming over me and I'm really getting frustrated. So he says he will go to sleep. I full well know he won't go to sleep but he just wants to get off the phone. So I hang up with haste and like five minutes later he's texting me paragraphs. Angry paragraphs that I didn't appreciate since he said he would sleep. So I call back and I have finally snapped. I tell him your either going to go to sleep and stop texting me rude messages or be humble because right now I'm sick of it. I keep on repeating I'm sick of it and he starts talking over me cutting me off telling me I don't need to repeat myself.  I hang up and he calls back asking what I'm sick of. I tell him I'm sick of trying to be positive while everyone's trying to bring me down. Everyone just wants something from me. Even him. He isn't happy unless  we are doing something I don't exactly wanna do. I'm sick of  everything. I'm sick of living on this planet in this chaos. Fast forward two days I've been to the beach and back. My mom calls thus morning and tells me she has been in an accident. Someone has hit her car on  the passenger side taking off her side window. She spends forever at the ford before coming home. She seems pretty shaken up. As soon as I hear about the accident I get up and start cooking. But to no avail she can't eat. She's dizzy and out of sorts. But her car is in the shop so we walk all the way past the hospital to her doctors office. We get there sweaty and out of breath. He doctor tells us immediately to get to the hospital. They run tests and x-rays and all we no is she is dizzy and off balance and she has banged into things that are right in front of her. I brought my bike  along tryingn to help us get to her doctor quicker but the wheel randomly in the middle of the street just explode. The front wheel literally forms a growing bubble and it just pops, right in front of me. I leave the bike right in the middle of the sidewalk. Needless to say Im st the hospital from like 11:30 in the morning  til around 5 p.m. I'm cold Im tired I'm sore I'm hungry. I havent eaten since yesterday (at the beach). And there's the issue of getting my foster sister from camp that's in a complete different town. My friend ends up getting me and McDonald's picking up my sis we get home. That's where I am now. I'm home with my sister everyone's calling and asking questions. Finally I speak to JD after our fight and not calling him. I tell him all that's happened and he tells me he is going to the marines for a year. He is excited and pacing around I just can't ruin his happiness. He tells me he wants to be stationed in Japan or Dubai. Soooo far away.... It's just too much to handle. I'm going to sleep.

European diary

Day 01: July 18 2012 On the plane to italy! It's 10:22 p.m. In America and 4:23 a.m. In Italy. This plane ride is endless we have been on here since 5:20! But it's totally going to be worth it! It's so quiet on board and it's driving me nuts. I hate complete silence it gives me to much time to think and reflect on mistake and life in general. I often think about what I would have done differently in certain situations like with the last day with shadow and the first night with mr.wisdom. I have practiced my Italian... Meaning I know how to say does anyone here speak English! I have been desperately trying to sleep but it's too uncomfortable. I'm wedged between my dad and some other guy next to us but the seat is too small to really get comfortable and sleeping sitting up really isn't comfortable so I've got my earphones plugged into the high tech movie music game console screen facing me. I'm listening to doing it wrong by drake and I can't help but feel it relates too closely to recent events. Ohh the irony... What should I say, not much is really going on besides my music and this typing. And I refuse to blabber on about shadow or JD or mr.wise. Even though they have all been on my mind. Ummm... I watched in time with Justin timberlake it was soo awesome the action made me feel like I was in it! My dad watched the hunger games and asked questions throughout the whole thing! I then watch a thousand words with Eddie Murphy which kept me laughing and my mind occupied. Omg we are 10367 feet in the air...I just checked. I got a little queasy when I saw it but laughed it off when age ain't nothing but a number by Aliyah popped in my head and I made my own remix ( altitude ain't nothing but a number) coming to store by you soon. What else has gone on? Not much really but I'll keep typing to keep me sane. Ohh my song just came on! Lemme see by usher! It makes me wanna dance. Which makes me think of terpsys and dance ensemble. Which makes me think of my dance teachers and fellow dance students. I have this fire I swear I feel it whenever music comes on. And I know many people can't tell I have all this potential. But it's staring me dead in the face gnawing and my dancer instincts with every beat. I could make up a dance move out of pretty much anything I see. I just wish someone would really give me the chance to show what I'm worth. I swear I'm not all talk. And I think junior year might be the year for me! I feel it deep inside calling me to dance whenever I get the chance. And I don't want to stick to one kind of dance either. I wanna hip hop and pop and lock and do ballet and jazz and modern and mix it all into some beautiful master piece. I dunno what made me think about my hair just now. But I'm getting sort of used to these box braids. I guess fake hair is not too bad but I just know its not mine. And recently I wore some hollister shirt my cousin gave me and I felt so...like everyone else. I don't hollister and I certainly haven't ever bought anything from there and fake hair is so new and I hate feeling like I'm less real because something on me is not natural. I like to think of myself as a semi hipster minus the arrogant ego. I refuse to conform to other peoples trends. I hated side kicks I never wanted hollister. I'm fine with wear rainbow Tye dyed shorts and creating crazy collars not attached to shirts and wear suspenders and ties. And converses that come up to my knees. And then the next day show up wearing some dress I found at kohls! I have such a stage style and sometimes it doesn't fit my environment but I don't mind. I like wearing something that no one else would even try on, and rock it anyway. I'm running out of things to say again so of course I look up at the map and spot ireland approaching the computerized plane tracker. I immediately think of shadow, he is Irish sort of. Another reason we probably didn't work. The Irish hate the British. And he hasn't been to Ireland ever he can't speak the language and neither does his parents. I've only been to England once and I have the accent when I want to and so does my mother. Soo it shouldn't really count. He didn't even know about the Irish Britain war til I told him. So I know it isn't some kind of ancient grudge. Lalala... So it's what feels like centuries later and I'm at the hotel now. We took a crazy shuttle ride in this cab like thing and the streets are so narrow and the cars are all tiny zip electric cars which I thought was amusing. Even there mini vans were well...minier than ours. On our crazy ride from hell I saw about 60 motor scooters. And I have been dying to get my hands on one for the longest! I want it soooo badly I could cry. There very modern and practical. I could almost consider buying one here and shipping it back but I know how much that would cost...christian grey would do it for me :( lol! Anyways tell me how the girl at the front desk here is so high end. (erika d.) Like I'm talking sleek short brown and black pinkie cut and that tight Italian scarf around the neck thing and the cutest black blazer I have ever seen. Her English is pretty good actually which sucks for me I was ready to ask for someone who spoke English and there she was already blabbering my dads eat off with useless hotel information. I can't even go to the room until 12:00 it's 11:09 here now :/ I just have to wait. Sad thing is daddy got an international Nokia phone and I called my mom completely forgetting the time difference and it was like 5 in the morning back there. I was sad to wake her up but she was happy to hear my voice. Before all this though (sorry for being out of sequential order) I was at the luggage claim and i swear I felt like everyone was staring at me. Dad says its cause of my braids and I'm like a culture shock to them. You should have seen this group of Asians looking at me like "oh how she make string of knots in her hair?!" thats all that's really happened since I've landed...I'll check back in later when more interesting things happen! Oh my gosh! Like full blown police infiltration of the hotel lobby. I don't know why they are here but they are all kind of just hanging around. They are pretty distracting though. They are all very attractive. I figure it must be a requirement here to be a police officer or well poliza you had to be at least 6'1" hot and have a sexy distracting smile! And it's only 11:57 a.m. Over here! I wonder what they are up to here... I would say its some sort of poliza convention but I'm sure they have tear gas guns on them! Maybe their all twisted cops like who are really apart of the mob and the police thing is just there cover to corrupt the system.

Hot & Bubbly. Pt. 1

The Bathroom Was Filled With A Lavendar Scent, Warm And Inviting.You Could see The Steam Rising From The Scolding Bath Water. Annie's Muscles Relaxed As She Kissed Swiftly Up His Neck,Grazing Scott's Earlobe."I Want You...Now".She Breathes.(ITS ABOUT TO GO DOWN!)She Squirts Warm Vanilla Dove Body Wash Into The Washcloth. She Massages His Shoulders And Works His Way Down To Lather His Chest.Her Expert Fingers Knowing Exactly What To Do.(SHE A FREAK ,DOE!) She Teasingly And Achingly Slow Massages His Upper Thighs Avoiding His Hotspot.(He Ain't ABOUT IT,DOE!) She Abandons The Washcloth and Cups Water Into Her Hands. She Rinses Water Down His Shoulders And Watches It Tumble Down His Perfeclty Sculpted Abs.(MAKE IT NASTY!)Annie Grabs His Glorious Erection And Tentively Squeezes Up And Down Repeatedly And Teasingly Slow. Annie Increases The Speed And Scott Groans Deep In The Back Of His Throat. Just Before He Is About To Climax ,She Stops.(HE AINT'T READY FOR IT!)His Hazel Eyes Fling Open With Desire. She Smiles Up At Him And Gives Him One Chaste Kiss Before Claiming Her Rightful Spot On Top.She Grinds In Teasing Circles Slow Fucking To Trey Songz , Inside Pt.2. Scott Can Take It No Longer,Barely Above A Whisper He Mummers "Come For Me , Baby" . He Grabs Annie's Hips Quickening Her Pace Until They Reach A Climax. (USHER , BIOTCH!) As Every Couple Aims To Achieve , They Come . Together . At .. The .. Same .. Damn .. Time. Sending Them Into A Spiraling All Consuming Intense Orgasm. She Collapses On Top Of Him , He Slowly Pulls Out And Peels Her Off Of Him. He Runs His Hands Through His Hair ,Exasperated. He Slides Over To Her And Smiles Coolly . "Your Turn". He Murmurs ,Almost To Slowly. -Jae X & lexi (fan fiction)

Bound and tied...

Sorry guys I have been away for While. I'm getting ready to leave for Europe on Tuesday! Anyway that cannot excuse my lack of posting I am sorry. So let me tell you about my happenings! So I have been reading this book called fifty shades of grey. Three words...oh my goodness!! This book is insane I see why people are raving over it! If you have not read it yet GO BUY IT NOW! It's amazing and given my abstinent title it's very incitful when it comes to sexual aspects of life. I recently finished the first book and (spoiler alert!) the ending almost had me in tears! I was so frustrated I didn't leave the house that day...anyways besides that book I've been trying some new things. It's my resolution to keep myself sane. I have to do or say one nice thing a day. And try something I have never done at least once a week! So I've gotten my hair braided with ..get this.. Fake hair, well it's human hair and I payed for it but, you know what I mean. So thus week I went to the mall with my cousin "jae" and I told some random girl I like her skirt and she was almost too happy for the recognition of probably a last minute outfit! As for my bestie JD he is doing well given his predicament. I don't know what I would do with out him... I would probably insane. And in other news let me tell you I made a new blog but I'm not going to give you the link... It has all my juiciest secrets on there and I'd you find it somehow your a mad genius! Lol well jae is given me a sideways look so I have to go -blog ya later!

What?!?

so its the last couple of days left of school! and im in my computer apps class with a room full of people screaming KILL TESTICLES!!!! life is funny...enough said
-Blog ya Later!

Everyone leaves...

so recently ive decided completly from anaylzing my own life that no matter how close i might be to a person or how good of friends we might be or have been, that everyone ends up leaving. my father my brother two friends from elementary school past boyfriends my foster sister and one of my best friends. But honestly im starting to think its my fault maybe im not as good a person as i think i am. maybe when i help people or try to help it seems no one wants to be helped. people run to me broken and shattered and once i fix them all up they are gone with the wind. and i just dont understand why if they appreciate all the things i do for them where the hell they could run off to without even saying goodbye.
A couple of weeks ago my foster sister ran away. she looked me dead in the eye and ran out the door. with me standing right there. i tried to chase after her but she was too far gone. i caught her later that day and brought her back but it will never be the same after that. how could she leave after i took her in when other people refused her. i was her therapist whenever she was having issues. i gave her my clothing and i basically took her under my wing. and no one knows but this really did hurt me and i still freak out about it every so often. and that only reminds me of all the other people who have put all there focus into leaving. no not even leaving my life running away from it, and not looking back. She ran away again today and I'm done looking for her if she wants to be here she will come back.and that goes for everyone in my life.if your trying to hurt me or leave later on after you've bled me dry how about you just leave my life now? Maybe I should do all of you a favor and just leave myself.actually I might be on to something...no one can leave my life if they aren't in it in the first place right so I'll either become an out cast. Run away or lastly I'll move on to paradise in the sky. I'm not suicidal or anything but someways I could run without looking back if I owned a gun life as I know it could end. For a moment of misjudgment. And none of these people are even fucking worth it. So why bother? I won't have to worry about grades or fights or how I look or other peoples feelings or stress about irrelevant things I can be free...I'm not needed here. And if I stay who is happy? Yea my little group of friends would care and distant friends might pretend to care and dig up some memory from years ago to cry over me for but truthfully they would get over it quickly. Maybe it's my time? But then again who am I to decide. Why is it I let everyone come and destroy the little bit of me there is left and turn me into this suicidal freak? I'm not suicidal I'm just tired.i haven't eaten in a couple of days because I get sick every time I try. Things and people I love are still in my heart like dance which I still enjoy but everything else in my life just ruins it. Maybe I should start fresh move far away from here..but then I'm definitely going to be forgotten. Who cares if I leave or stay anyways. What if it was just an accident what if the knife slips or I fall out a window accidentally...will I regret it? Would someone look at my dead body and seriously mourn my lost soul...what if I left a note apologizing to those who care...does that make it ok? I'll leave behinde some dramatic mysterious note appologizing and saying things to the living I could never say while still living. This note would be Alexia...uncut and raw no sugar coating and fluff just me my emotions and a pen. I have to write it in pen so people can see my scribbled out mistakes and hardships writing the note the ytear drop stains I leave behinde. Maybe it can be some sort of a will describing which person I know would care could get of what I have left on the earth.

Artistic moments?!

So lately I have gotten These random bursts of creativity and I just have the need to make something! So far I made a melted crayon mural I've made jean shorts and Tye dyed them and I made a collar necklace thing! And I've got soo many other Ideas that I'm planning on doing over the summer!Like beddazlinb...we'll everything I can like the collar necklace and some cute shades. I want to make my own custom glittery nail polish. I'm planning on somehow sewing a dress or a romper and a skirt. Before winter I'm hoping I can learn to knit and I'll knit myself a sweater. Maybe some easy beaded bracelets or a boho headband. And soo much more ill try to post pictures if I can! This random burst or creativity just had to be shared. It's totally random but that's what makes it fun. I've even been baking and cooking more often, recently I baked this amazing yellow cake with a chocolate frosting and made some kick ass seafood the other day! I'm hoping also over the summer to cross some things off my bucket list like shopping on the champs élysées in Paris writing a book auditions for something completely random like cheer leading or a musical/play or even something on broadway. I even hope to get myself a job which is apart of this elaboatreplan of mine to have good enough credit and be partially self sufficient by 19 years old. I've got it planned out or so I think.i hope it all works out smoothly for me! I even plan on maybe learning a new instrument something a little more awesome like the piano or guitar.i might take a trial singing class or kickboxing class to let of some steam of well...life. And lastly finally get my body back into shape...gym membership here I come!