Someone just shoot me

I can't do this. It's killing me. Valentine sort of went off on me yesterday about talking to my ex and I need to just get it over with now. So I don't have to hurt anymore. But nothing can help. I know that why because o woke out of my sleep last night trying to rationalize something to put together to even say but I can't. I can't even fathom how I would sit infront of him and look him in the eye. I got as far as convincing myself that I would simply do just that. I'd sit across from him and say this: " I need a big favor from you" and he would probably looK up shocked a little and nod yes I would tell him "please don't say anything to do anything just wait until I finish cause it took a lot for me to gather up the courage to say anything to you." I would proceed to say I am sorry for not treating you like a person because ever since we broke up I decided it would be easier to ignore you and pretend you weren't there until I graduate but I see I can't do that. I am tired of looking through you instead of at you. And it's becoming increasingly difficult to act like your not there and that I am ok with you in three of my classes. I'm tired and I can't act like you aren't there if you address the whole band. And if this is a problem where you feel like you would much rather act like I don't exist key me know now and I will change my schedule completely if I have to. I will switch out of math and study hall but I refuse to switch out of band because of you. I only have one year left and if I quit it won't be because I let you discourage my strength it will be because of myself. I'd tell him I know my mom went to his house after we broke up and although I have no idea what she said to you but I am sorry I didn't know she was going to do that and I wasn't even home when she did. I'm apologize but I just can't pretend anymore. You followed me on Instagram and it caught me off guard I know I read far too deeply into it and you probably just followed me because of whatever you thought about the tail gate but just so I don't over think that and make it something it isn't. So let me know what your willing to do and I'll adjust." Right there I would stop talking completely look at him for as long as it takes and wait for his response. If he even cared at all to respond. After about one minute if he doesn't respond I'd have to just leave. I'd be crushed but I would have to switch my schedule. But it would kill me. I like my schedule and I'd still have to see him for band. After all that I might just cry but I would at least know that it could never work out where we could at least be civil with each other.i know at least I made an effort. And I would be at peace. And I would never feel like we had unfinished business because it would be done. So when people come up to me and they have the need to tell me everything about shadows life. And I wonder if its lies and why they feel compelled to tell me. I've heard some crazy shit. Shit I really hope isn't true. I've heard gay stories and sex stories and love stories and trifling stories. I've heard the worst of the worst trust me. And now if someone comes up to me I can be like its none of my business and it doesn't concern me. But on the flip side he could be like yeah I'm tired too. And I would be very happy. Like ecstatic. And I don't know how really to go about not looking last him and acting like he isn't there. And wondering if he hates me. I don't know how to interact with him really anymore I haven't looked him in the eye since sophomore year. By I think I'd be just fine figuring out how I would go about learning how I could do that. I would have done it today but the teacher took the seat across from him... When I muster up the courage to say all that will be the day everything changes... Aright I'm done period about to end. Bye y'all!!! - Blog Ya Later!