I can't make this stuff up...

So that last post where again I was freaking out about shadow let me just start where I left off...I was talking about how I would go about approaching shadow...it's odd but I want to I. Just afraid and something is telling me to stop being a punk but I'm not sure. He's giving me some mixed signals between the tail gate and Instagram and band and not really looking or saying anything too me it all gets jumbled in my mind and at some points I'm like yeah man I can go talk to him right now no problem and then when I actually get the opportunity I freeze up and decide its best not to bother him. But at the end of that post I talk about having three classes with him... Well now it's four.... He switched into my absolute favorite class I have this year. Which was Liteerature and Cinema Honors and its a film adaptation class and its just perfect. He strolled in and I was just completely caught off guard. I was soo ready it was last period and I was amazed and excited to be in the class and then I was soo surprised it scared me. I overreacted yeah ill admit it. But I freak out easily don't judge me! So before we even start I ran to the little girls room and man I locked myself in that stall and just tried to center myself and focus. I knew he wasn't going to say anything too me it was just soo ironic that the day I write I can't believe I have three classes with him he ends up being in a fourth Valentine is convinced it's a sign and I need to talk to him in order to have a peaceful senior year. Otherwise all the emotion in me will just tear me apart. So I cried just a quick little tear droplet in the bathroom before I felt silly in embarrassed for crying over something so little that I made so big. And I came back to class and went right back into the I don't even see you mode... Which I know it's wrong but if I acknowledge he's there trust me some things would go down literally and in my mind. Fastfoward today I auditioned for the school play ( we are doing rehearsal for murder) and I'm not an actress at all never taken a real class or anything I was nervous as hell super scared I was shaking I even considered not even trying and of course who is there...? Shadow of course he is there for the audition too. And it's open auditions so that means everyone sees. Luckily I didn't have to go first or anything. He went and his monologue was about brothers and there inward and outward struggle in their household and it was appropriate and too the point he did a good job. Amd I was sort of hoping he would leave before I had to do my monologue because well he makes me a little nervous and shy. And plus I had written my monologue while other people were auditioning... I wrote it myself out in the hall way. And I didn't memorize it and again IM NOT EVEN AN ACTRESS... So of course I'm freaking out. I told them it was untitled but truthfully it was just something I made up.so they call my name and my heart is banging around in my chest of course he stays to see... And that makes me more nervous I get on stage luckily I remember how to walk up steps. I move the props around and set it up so I knock on a door and tell this man I need to talk to him and I tell him how I know he's heard all I have to say but I'm desperate for him to hear me. It was a nicely written monologue in my opinion for the amount of time I wrote it in. So I used my nerves to make it seem like I was just afraid to talk to the man I used my nervous shake for good! And I tried to look as teary eyed as possible until suddenly I wasn't faking anymore and it was all so real I felt like I was talking to a man who needed to hear me and I was in tears on stage infront of shadow who I couldn't see thank goodness. And I just read half of it before i practically ran off stage I just didn't read the entire thing. I am told that shadow had his head down at some points and he was leaning toward at others. I'm not sure what that means so I'm trying hard not to over analyze it. Valentine said it seemed to "move him" I guess that's a good sign...I think...I hope. Anyways I got a call yesterday from my work buddy ill call him Todd and he says I heard you were twerking at the tail gate and I kinda just laughed it off cause it was awkward. So he goes on to tell me in detail a conversation with shadow and his friend "bill" bill says to him "dude she was totally looking at you during the tailgate" to which I'm not sure his reply was and then he goes on to say "she was just showing you what you missed out on" and I guess he probably just to,d Jim to shut up. I don't think Todd lied to me well because he didnt even go to the tailgate and I did look at shadow while I was dancing. But in my defense I wasn't trying to tease him or make him feel bad it's just that when I dance I'm fearless I can look people in the eye anyone and I won't be intimidated. So I did. And it made me feel good to have that power for just a second like I made an effort to at least acknowledge his presence. Which may or may not have pissed him off. I just don't know really. How I should gauge his emotion and reaction any more I mean we haven't said or even looked at each other in two years I have no idea why kind of person he is now because I'm si he has changed. I just can't gauge where I fall on his level of hatred scale right now. I kinda wish he'd blog about it and I just knew everything instead if guessing it would be soo much easier i need a sign a clear sign that I can't approach him without worrying i might die because he just glares me down... Lord just give me a sign I swear ill say something... If he would just y something anything just a hi. A wave shit ill take any attempt at this point. I've got everything I think down on a public site that he can look at whenever he wants but I doubt he saved the UrL after we broke up. Which isn't a horrible thing because imagine he read every post... Wat he would think... Oh. My. God. He would be so creeped out I think or would it make him want to say something who knows... Man who knows this is the one situation I can't think my way out of. If I don't say anything and he doesn't ill graduate feeling that he is the only person to cu me off completely and never at least say I'm sorry. Even JD said sorry and JD did some fucked up shit to me. Ad I forgave him no problem. I just need a form of closure so I can not feel like a terrible person. Because honestly that's what's eating me alive is I made a mistake and I'm not sure i can fix it. And after this year I don't have the option to fix it at all... So bloggers what do I do? Tell me be honest comment your opinion email me if you want at lexilove2244@aol.com ill try to respond to everyone. And I'll answer all questions. Until I decide what to do I uses my blog will be filled with my melodramatic renditions of how hard it is to over think high school drama and relationships and how I feel like a terrible person. And wait back up let me tell you something crazy... Today in band I physically saw him speaking to his previous ex. Before me. The girl who broke him. Se had him by the balls I swear. The reason I spoke to him to help him and help him get closure. The girl he couldn't stand and didnt trust. Yah her. He spoke to her no problem today. And yeah I looked. I admit it but I was totally not expecting it. I was sure he hated her too. But I don't know what it is about her that drives all men to fall in love with her and never be able to stay mad at her but she must be blessed with something serious I swear man. I wish I could say I was jealous of her. But I wouldn't trade my life with hers if you paid me money. I'm ok with myself and my abilities even though I'm afraid of someone younger than me. And I can't look him in the eye. I still believe I have good intentions and somehow I can possibly fix this. I hold hope that I can make it right at some point and lift this load off my shoulders I just need a sign. A hello a hi a wave a blog something that can signify I have the green light to say something. And then I can deal with what to say and how to say it. And hold up rewind again tomorrow are readings for the play after school and then band so ill see him twice during school then twice after school and what if we both get cast. There's no avoiding him then....what do I do? Man I'm so lost and confused the drama of a high school girl. I can't wait to show this to my children and be like see I really was a teenager once everything your going through I already did seriously and here is the proof. They would probably be too busy with their iPhone 200 to read it but maybe it could help them somehow not make the mistakes I have. I'm proud to say I have good grades I maintain a somewhat healthy body I am still a virgin thank god and I seem to have a bright future ahead of me. And that's what I want for my children. I want them to be amazing at everything. Anyways I promise to post again freaking out about more pointless little things soon. And I can't wait to share with you the next little shadow story next time ill see him first thing tomorrow anyway so I'm sure something eventful is going to happen... I promise to tell you all about it. Wish me luck guys... And pray I get a role in this play!! And send me strength to get over this uphill battle I just want to put it too rest sooo bad... Thanks everyone for taking time to read my obnoxiously long posts that have no real plot or anything just drama about my life so until next post... -Blog ya later