Senior year

So well I'm a senior guys :) it's exciting and scary and beautiful. I've only been a senior for five days really and soooo much has happened already. You have no idea ill go back in my next post and go over my summer. Which was amazing and horrible and ill explain why. So in the very few days I've been a senior I've had scheduling issues and my work load has me scared I'm taking honors and AP classes. My ap psych class and intro to stat and call class scare me! I've already gotten homework. And then there's the band situation. I was really considering quitting for many reasons. I always get sick in band. I get anxiety. My flute buddy quit so lessons are going to kill me. The mid term. And we'll shadow. He wasn't the reason I wanted to quit technically. I just knew in my mind I could avoid the inevitable by switching out. There would be no more awkward glances and ignoring and overall no reminder I felt that we couldn't be in the same room for another year because at the time I really believed he hated everything about me. And having to be trapped in an 85 minute class wasn't helping me any seeing him like every other day. Let me remind you of my last boyfriend JD. Remember how I explained everything that happened. Well let me remind you. He broke up with me through Facebook once purposely to hurt me he said because he was angry but he took it back. He has hit me before. And oh during terpsys he started harassing me. He admitted to harassing me and only stopped when I cried. Mind you I'm not really the crying type. He had cut me off just as shadow had done and just as he promised he wouldn't and it hurt me. Yes I broke up with him officially but that's because he didnt treat me right. You don't hit a girl especially not one you love. So he cut me off but then he graduated so I didn't have to see him and I hadn't heard from him all summer. And I stopped worrying about it. And one day he just poked me on facebook randomly for no apparent reason. So I poked back and we were in like a poke war before I decided to stop being a punk and I texted him. I know your all thinking why didn't I just do that with shadow but I'm going to get to that trust me this is a very long story that took place over a few days. So I said to him are you just going to poke me or are you going to say hi. And he responded (rather fast) he told me he moved in with his sophmore in high school girlfriend and they live in Georgia... Which was startling. We talked and texted back and fourth for like three days before he dropped the bond. He said he missed me and he knows he screwed up but he still wants to be with me and a lot of stuff I just couldn't understand why. I cried. I cried for a long time not really knowing why. But it was because I needed it. I needed his apology because you couldn't believe the horrible things he said to me. But he was still living with his GIRLFRIEND in frigging Georgia which is very far from me. Fast forward a couple days. His girlfriend reoriented and refill owed me on Instagram and Facebook which I knew want she knew something and wasn't happy. I had nothing to hide though I didn't do anything to him. She asked me to show her our conversations. I asked if she was sure and so I did. She was very hurt and upset but appreciative that I was kind enough to even showed her. I know she hates me but in my conversations with JD I begged him not to hurt her and give up on her because I know what it feels like from him and other people. And I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. And she knew I had nothing to hide. It came to a point where she made a big mistake she broke up with him THROUGH TEXT MESSAGE. Wrong. He was out of the house anyway and she wanted to talk and he was no where to be found. It was crazy it came to a point where they were both texting me. I was telling him to go back home and helping her get him back. They ended up breaking up but it was on a very good note they still speak and they don't hate each other and well I don't think it would have been easy if I hadn't said anything. So right now JD is on a train on his way to New York and he wants to visit me. I'm afraid to see him. I don't know if I will hug him or hit him or both. I do not trust him at all. And so then it's our first game day yesterday right. That means we had our first pep rally and a tailgate (indoor cookout) and then I had to march for the game. So lets start at the beginning. The pep rally was amazing seniors painted their faces and screamed the loudest and we had confetti and it was amazing. Ad then there was the tail gate. Everything changed there. They used the same DJ as my party so the music was amazing but people (besides me) weren't really dancing. They were standing around and eating. So they decided to have a dance contest. I wanted to do it but I decided not to. Because I would have to go to band soon to prep for the game. But I had time still. Someone else signed me up. And I'm standing by the DJ shaking and nervous all scared they made us go one by one and I ended up going last. Keep in mind who ever one the contest wins $20. So everyone goes and he puts on a random song and they dance for like 25 seconds. It's my turn I move up onto the stage area. And I'm nervous and scared but he puts on body party by Ciara and I look up firstly cause its my song and secondly because shadow is right there in the audience and there was a moment where I just said fuck it and I started dancing. Mid performance everyone yelling and getting hype I couldn't help it. I walked over a bit looking shadow right in the face. And I don't know what made me do it. When I dance I am fearless and I surely wasn't afraid. And then I dropped right down into a split and everyone started screaming and it was scary. I snapped right out of my trance and I kind of got up and walked away from the audience as fast as possible. Needless to say I won the contest and the twenty bucks. But someone asked for me to go again which I hadn't heard. So I just thought we were doing a rematch it was just some horny guy. And he puts on dont drop that thun thun thun... And I'm nervous all over again and suddenly something clicked and I'm dancing I am fearless. And I walk over to the group of guys and I'm dancing and I wouldn't call it twerking but I was really moving lol I actually can't twerk but don't tell them that... So firstly someone poured water on me and I heard money too. And I turn around to face them and they are charging at me all of them full force like falling over chairs and slipping on. Water it was scary. I got the money and I ran out. It seemed all my confidence disappeared right then and there. It felt like everyone had heard what happened people were going insane everywhere I turned someone was talking about it. And I tried to escape to the bathroom and put on my marching uniform and who do I run into? None other than shadows mom. Mind you I love this woman she's amazing and funny and everything we still say hi and we are very cordial so she says to me I saw you dancing and i can't even speak I was so shaken I didn't even know she was there. I said oh goodness and thank you and ran back to the band room as fast as I could. Avoiding all people. I took out my flute and 30 minutes later I was marching for pre game. And no one could reach me. I was safe. Mid game we were down 6-7 it starts lightening. And I hate it. It really scares me. The game got postponed and I headed home. And more things happen. So there were videos of me dancing on Instagram people loved it which I appreciate and it's not like I haven't danced in public but no one really knows I can dance. So I have a billion people liking my pictures and following me randomly I posted the video myself too. I could hardly recognize myself I was so confident and it felt good. Of the billions of notifications and stuff I'm following everyone back right and I stop on one request in particular... Imagine my surprise to see that shadow had sent me a request. I flipped out honestly. I cried. Hard that's what my third time crying and I don't know what came over me I was shaking and crying and I couldn't think straight I kept thinking why today why now how did he find me what does this mean. He could give two shuts about me yesterday and now since I danced you follow me. Or is that coincidence? I have no idea I call valentine and he tells me to relax and he calms me down and he tells me I have to talk to him I just don't know how to. It's not easy. He just isn't approachable and he scares me terribly. And I'm afraid. Ok. I'm really afraid to and I admit it. When I catch him looking at me I swear I can't breathe or when I found out I had a class with him besides band. I couldn't breathe and I couldn't think. Everything was blurred together. I was happy and sad. I followed him back and it was like throwing salt on an old wound I swear. Everything just came back (not like it went anywhere). I looked at his pictures and I asked who is this person. And why am I freaking out. I stopped freaaking out and I became content. Meaning whether it was just because of the dancing or not it was at least an attempt and now I think it's my turn. And we'll today I switched my schedule around and I accidentally ended up in his study hall class. And I know he's probably thinking I'm stalking him now but it wasn't like that I didn't know he was here. How could I know?? So now I have him in three classes. And he's gonna get listed off or well he will ignore which I wish I could say I was okay with. But I can't look through him anymore it takes so much energy and it hurts a little each time. I know he doesn't spend anytime hurting over me and I know he doesn't care and I still feel so trapped why. Why is it we allow things to go on without just fixing it. So what am I to do? Do I let it go and continue ignoring him for the last of my senior year or do I suck it up. And if I decide to punk out...will he?? I wish. I just wish. People are starting to notice me typing now so I have to go and the class is almost over. I have to get out. So I can think straight so until later. -Blog ya later!