The Beginning of the End.

It's happened. And I feel like a weight has been lifted. I swear Ok ok let's rewind. On Wednesday I auditioned for the school play right? And the next day shadow added me on Facebook and liked something on Instagram and something in me just went fuck it. And I messaged him. I'm gonna explain the conversation to you and then how I felt about it. I said "Shadow what are you doing?" "I don't even know" " I don't know what to say." "You don't have to say anything. I do" "You do?" "I'm sorry for what I did. I should have told you why... Do you want to know why" "Tell me" "Ok. I really love you for real. It might sound like corny bullshit but I just felt like you had all this love to give and I wasn't able to return it. I didn't feel like I deserved an amazing relationship because I'm not used to that and it was selfish of me but I don't feel like I deserve you. So I put on this mask like I don't care but its been eating at me every fucking day and I know the last thing you need is to see all this but I just can't hold back anymore." -PAUSE RIGHT THERE- Anyone else notice how that is all present tense? Alright so what does this mean. I'm so confused at this point. I'm sad mostly. And questioning everything. I'm wondering why he never said anything it will be a full two years of us not talking and looking at each other in march. HE broke up with ME. Right? So what all of a sudden changed and me it ok now. What am I doing different right now? For both of my exes to start talking to me? Why today this day... (Thursday) fast forward in school we go to call backs because of course we are both amazing actors. Not but really I had no idea what I was doing. But I had to leave early amount other people because we had a game that day and had to be back at band. So what do they do they say "Alexia Lorenzo go up and read for David and Monica" My brain exploded at this point. The scene is there are two actors and the girl goes over to his house to practice the lines because she's confused about that transitions but he has other plans and refuses to be turned down. So what all of this means is I'm sitting next to him and he PUTS HIS ARM AROUND ME and I stiffen like what are you doing and I start to regret coming because I can tell he has an agenda... They made us do like four scenes back to back to back. And I had to look at him there was no way around it. His character is supposed to be like smug and cocky. But on his face it was a mix of emotions. But you could see the character mask falling over him. We jump of the stage and I look at him and say "how did I know that was going to happen" he points up and says "Jesus" and I chuckle a bit and well.. It couldn't possibly get any more awkward. I really wanted the Monica part. But some sophmore got it honestly I can't remember who the girl is but she's probably taken a theater class as to where I haven't. I got the understudy of Sally the nervous innocent naive assistant. And I'm fine with that because I can act nervous any day. And she has a fun character. At our school the seniors usually get special considerations for parts so its weird. I'm not complaining though. And shadow got the part of David I think. ANYWAYS... Back to the conversation the day before... I tell him "Shadow don't lie to me, just tell me the truth." I honestly couldn't believe anyone could love someone and not speak to or even look at them for two years and sit there in agony. He proceeds to tell try and convince me that his intentions are true and I half believe him. Or we'll part of me wants to believe him. It's just so darn peculiar the timing and all I mean. I told him if he wants me to believe him he would call me. And he did. We spoke for exactly 22 minutes and it was somewhere around 11 at night. I cried a bit on the phone. And when I say a bit I mean ugly death screeching cry that I'm sure he heard and laughed at later. So we hang up and the next day was Friday I believe we had a game and he spoke to him like in person and stuff it was great. We have been talking on a regular now. And texting and he says he still has feelings for me. Which I don't know quite yet if I trust. And I dunno how I feel about him really. Seeing how we hang talked in so long. It's was torture... But honestly just talking to him eased a lot of my stress I swear my skin started clearing up I wasn't breaking out or anything but like its clearer now. And I lost a couple pounds which is strange but awesome. And we speak anytime we see each other which is AMAZEBALLS. But valentine and Hacker decided I was being way too nice to him to which shadow had agreed so I don't exactly know what to do. I don't know what I'm doing currently at the moment I'm just happy I said something. But it's causing problems with them that I don't want. But I'm finally at peace with the whole thing and I kind of just want them to be happy with that. Oh and then there's JD who came to visit me and he also wants me back so I dunno I think I'm feeling kind of sexy right now... Am I allowed to say this? I don't care I deserve to say it. After all the hell JD put me through. I mean like he hit me and yelled at me and cursed me out and half ass broke up with me through Facebook and I still forgave him. But that doesn't mean I trust him. And shadow he...well you know his story and I STILL FORGAVE even him. Needless to say I'm in a good mood lets see how long it lasts.