Just because...

well lately shadow (my boyfriend if you don't already know) and I have been having "the talk" and noooo not like that awkward talk with your parents about STD's and where babies really come from... but the talk is where in a relationship you are perfectly fine with saying or asking anything without getting all blushy and awkward. we talk about everything and nothing all at once. It really is a breath of fresh air to knoww what is actually going through his mind...instead of playing that guessing game...we are now on a slightly more physical level now i think which most couples struggle to get to...but you see with my whole face reading mind powers i could tell what i had to do and when.(don't ask) But here comes the super tell all crazy secrets that normally are kept on the DL but since no one i know really reads this besides people i trust and random strangers who get bored and decide to creep on this random girls blog i think i will be fine :)
BUt for right now i gotta go to band rehersal....so hold that thought!
I'm back...so where was i...oh yeaa i was being all dramatic and what not, well im going to tell you guys something pretty personal my first unofficial and first official kiss...
my first unofficial kiss was in first grade with a kid named "Davie" (security reasons keep me from putting real names up). I came from a private kindergarden so i knew no one in first grade... he was the first person i met and we were playing with the legos he got stingy and took some of mine and i threw one at him and he was like ohhh snap this girls fiesty i like her....fast foward like 4 months into school we are about as serious as first graders could get like we were on that sharing juice boxing and crackers kinda level (which is a pretty big deal). when finally i asked him to be my friend who is a boy....meaning boy friend he blushed and then said yes later that day in recess... i told him to make it official he had to propose... so a week later he saved up all his quaters and bought me a ring.... you know the kind i mean a ringpop!!! and he slid it on my finger and kissed my cheek and said now we are friends of each other who are girls and boys...which meant we are dating...
i broke up with him in thrid grade cause we were getting a little too serious you know what i mean he was alll lets play in the sand AND HOLD HANDS... imm like what kinda girl do you think i am....im not a ore (which meant whore) you can boss around...i blame television for my bad language!
and my 1 sort of official kiss was with this guy maybe two or three summers ago... i knew just about as much you could know about a person in three days. for security purposes lets call himm..."Tom" he was cute but i wasnt the girl who was all easy to get to i was all mysterious and what not...anyways he did this thing where he would look me in the eye and say i am 50 now you come 50 (which is a line from hitch starring will smith) it meant he wanted me to kiss him...i pretended i had no clue what he was talking about cause i was pretty nervous i mean he was a year older and i had only known him for like maybe a week now... either way i guess i got tired of waited for me to participate my 50% so he looked at me and said forget it illl come 100% for you... he kissed me and this was unlike anything i had ever experienced before...i could quite understand it...then the unthinkable happened...we went from kissing to french kissing...me being as unexperienced as i was i tried to make it seem like i knew...but after awhile i pulled away. he looked confused as if it had never happened to him before exspecially not someone younger than him. well he came back for more seeing as now i guess his pride was on the line... so thinking back to all the sappy romantic comedys i had watched in my life i copied what i saw... and i guess i was pretty good at it...he pulled away later and his face was all red i could not have possibly prepare myself for what happened next...two things happened which put me into some sort of shocked state
1) he asked if i believed in abstenince...which i immediatly without questioning or thinking it over in my mind said yes i believe to people should be in love before engaging in such deep relationship milestones!
2) i asked why he was red and he told me he could never tell me because it was to embarassing so he stood up and there it was...the first time without their being some sort of hilarious sexual pun delivered by some famous person in a movie...he was...dare i say "aroused" (for the less advance people he was hard...as a rock)
i know this is just as awkward for me to write as it is for you to read because the moment was actually just as it seems... i was frozen unable to move unable to process anything when i got up kissed his cheek and whispered and for the young girl i am i know what i am doing...i threw him a pillow and confidently walked out....i could feel him staring me down as i left him all alone to deal with his male issues...ironically it took it a long time to come out of the room but whatever he was actually doing in there we can leave up to your imagination.
And now for the first partially official first kiss story this is about a person that you all should know...he is the senior i told you about earlier.... now writing this i am already regrettting telling the story because i KNOW shadow will be reading this soon and he personally hates this senior...
well i had invited the seniorwho i am going to call ummm..."eugene" because i am an evil person and its not exactly the mnost attractive anme out there...sorry to all the eugenes out there reading this!!! welll either way Eugene had come over to my house only once before and this time i had invited him and other seniors (cause i was a pimp...not really) to my house for a movie day cause my mom would never let that happen at night with a bunch of seniors...it endedup happening in my ohh to girly purple room cause the TV downstairs didnt work and i could just send everyone home. it was awkward sitting next to him cause he was all stiff next to me and everyone had kinda forced us to sit next to each other on the bed...(sorry shadow) either way his twin sister was at the door and everyone was going down to greet her when he stopped me and pulled me back i knew even before i looked at him what this meant... he leaned in but me being the confident person i am i just rested my forehead on his and looked into his eyes for a second....he looked kinda desperate to kiss me at the moment so i finally just kissed him...it wasn't long because everyone was comming back upstairs...and it was weird because even though i wasn't the most experienced person ever i knew he had been outta practice!....well this is gotta be finished later cause i got a butt load of homework to do!

Trainwreck of love...

Okay this is the third post of the day and by far the most urgent one! soo for respect of my friends i am not going to tell you their real names... so my friend "amber" and "Tim" have been dating for awhile and its cool cause their in band and me and my boyfriend in band and out of privacy on here i will be calling him... Shadow (because its all mysterious and sexy sounding) either way tim broke up with amber today...his reason:
"she has been getting on his nerves and i kinda like someone else"... which because i truly know the phsycological meaning behind this statment what he MEANT was... because i like someone else i make up silly things to get mad at Amber about so i can break up with her. Well either way it got me thinking that certain people seem one way and end up being a totally different person... which in turn makes what i am about to write clearly hypthetical...
But if i were in Ambers shoes i am not too sure if i would have let Tim get off the hook so easily...not without talking his ear off and finding out the true reason... you see because tim did not really try to help their relationship he kinda just gave up on it when things got rough which seems like a sign to me...and secondly i would need to know what (or whom) brought on this "sudden change of heart."
then my mind wandered into a corner that i will never reopen after i write this... shadow (see how sexy that sounds) and Tim are friends what if shadow were to reinforce this "sudden change of heart movement"...like what if what happened to tim and amber had happened to me and shadow (still sexy). not because i doubt the strength of our relationship but because i am only human and seein how quickly things went down hill for Amber...theres a perfectly good reason for any normal person to take a step back and look at their own relationship.
Either way i have this thing where i refuse for things to be awkward between me and any of my exes so i always find away to get closure which brings me to how Amber will get her closure,
and shadow's(i made it bold because its sexy!) past relationship troubles...
and this is the love advice person comming out of me but it was never a healthy relationship to begin with if you don't have the balls (or lady balls) to get yourself some closure....
closure comes in many forms such as getting or giving back articles of clothing...or simply talking over what went wrong. and option number two is for the more gutsy kinds of people... people who never get closure seem to never forgive the ex and hold grudges towards them which are completely unnessecary...
if you cannot walk into the same room as your ex and think something postive towards them or nothing at all then you my friend need closure because face it its not like you are never going to see each other again. without getting closure there might always be an underlying feeling or emotion towards that ex that though you refuse to admit it will remind you of the things you have been trying to deal with all along on your own. owning up to your mistakes is the hardest thing to do in my opinion...but recently i had a heart to heart with my ex who is in college... he told me he still had feelings for me which is perfectly normal because after webroke up we had not talked or seen each other... things were kinda awkward at first but we disscussed what went wrong and why things are the way they are now...and thats how we both got closure.

I believed Tim and Amber were the "cute couple" let me explain what i mean by the "cute couple" that couple looks happy and they are cute together and everyone remarks on the cute awesomeness as a couple but they actually do not communicate the right way. This leads to a boring relationship... and "the break." the break is that unintentional innocent break in the feelings or emotions toward their signifigant other... and that one break can cause feelings for someone else...
as you can probably tell these people are my good friends and because i have them both for band in the same section and i know not everyone thinks like me i know they won't get the proper closure so it will be pretty awkward for all of us next band class...

More about me...

PART 2:

• my mom says i sleep with one eye open... i doubt it


• i overthink things wayyy to much


• i am my happiest when the people around me are happy


• i get pretty gassed when someone notices something new with me like my nails hairs...something i dont even care


• i have been dancing since i was three years old and i don't plan on stopping...EVER


• from dancing i have become pretty flexible


• i used to participate in dancing competitions


• recently a girl from my competitions caught up with me


• she told me that she thought my boyfriend was cute


• she always was quite the little boyfriend stealer...


• but i trust him so i doubt anything will happen


• these bullet points are starting to sound like sentences


• to get my attention people call me Mrs. O'Reilly...and it works :p


• i hate being at home...


• my house is boring theres never anything to do...


• my boyfriend wants to come over to my house but there would be mothing to do there anyways...plus his house is soooo much more fun :D


• i have one sibling he lives in maryland with his mom he is 4 now and i love him very much


• i didnt know i had a brother til he was almost one years old


• its ironic that my brothers name is Alex...


• theres this girl who has been antagonizing me since 6th grade...i already told my mom that if she gets a call one day from my principal that there was a good cause...


• and no that was not a threat im just tired of hearing her voice...


• I have a strange taste in music one moment i am listening to classical then head banging rock the hip hop, r&b, pop andthe old songs that everyone (should) know.


• i write some really depressing things.... not thst i am depressed but thats where all my inspiration is... everyone around me never truly seems happy and thats what i write about...


• i took alot of the old posts off from my blog because they kinda brought up some memories from dark places in my mind


• i think its rude not to say something when people cough but i don't know what to say...


• i do not consider myself American in my eyes i am British...


• i have a really over protective uncle to lives in North Carolina...who owns a legal gun... and i am afraid to let him meet my boyfriend...


• i don't think he will hurt him just put "the fear of god" in him!


• i am more religious then most people know


• my father is a baptist christian and my mother is a Jehovas Witness


• i used to sit in a tree at my old house and do my homework...


• i have a little rambunctious puppy named nala


• i wish i knew more about the things my boyfriend was into because half of the time i have no clue what gamer language he is speaking!


• i am willing to give anykind of music a try


• people assume things about me which normally aren't true...


• assumptions lead to wrong desicions i believe


• i dance around my room making up fantasies about random bursts of hot tango dances with my boyfriend


• my boyfriend refuses to dance...anyone can dance


• i am not shy...at all last year i walked around asking guys (some i didnt even know) questions i probably should know until i am married


• i used to wear contacts but i started getting too much male attention then i could handle


• i play the flute but in my head i am the best drummer


• my video game skills are not up to par :/ but im going to fix that


• i used to have braces


• i have an obsession with being different... i refused to get the sidekick phone because too many people had it


• i wear a choker around my neck and i have had it on since 1st grade... i never take it off because when i did bad things started happening (i dislocated my knee, tripped up the stairs, relationship issues)


• i am scary good at hiding my emotions... because if im hiding it then it means i don't want to talk about it...


• I recently have been hanging out with different people...


• my mom is sort of trying this new thing where i have more freedom, i personally believe its an amazing parenting move


• i have tried to sneak out once but i chickened out cause imma punk :3


• when i am old enough to drive i will never be home :p


• sagging is disgusting and unattractive...i don't want to see the sponggebob bokers you have have on for the past three weeks


• when i am angry i am either quietly cursing you out in my head or talking with a british accent and if i am truly mad i may have this sort of jamacain accent.


• my family believes i am an empath (look it up)


• i am a horrible liar...


• it makes some people nervous when i look them in the eye...not sure why


• I apparently make people nervous....again not sure why because i try to be a friendly as possible to everyone


• if i were to say half the things i am thinking people would think i was crazyy


• i was a premature baby... and i had jaundice (i am fine now)


• i think its cute when people actually write me letters :) like real letters that are sent in the mail it means sooo much more :D

emotional attack...

Alright im in school as i right this post its 6th period im in computer apps...
i feel like there is a pressure in my head and the room is spinning and writing this is very difficult. I lost my voice for most of last period and its kinda shaky now but i really hope i don't pass out because i know there is no one home right now and both of my parents are at work...i took a cab to school today... either way my boyfriend is just the sweetes thing ever :) he looked over at me and its almost like he could tell something was not right...i don't want to tell him this but i do not for a fact for only a couple of seconds i believe i was passed out...let me tell you why because there is a gap in my memory of what the teacher was saying and what was going on around me... i don't want to freak him out or anything because i know it is a scary thing to see... i could see out of the corner of my eye every couple of second he would look over just to see if i was ok...reminds me of last year when he was having relationship issues. Anyway i have lunch next maybe if i eat i will feel better. As of right now i am praying i get through the rest of today because personally i am not sure if i can make it...but if anything happens one more time on school time and property i will be homeschooled i haven't told anyone this yet. there is nooo way i can be homeschooled because my mom is never home and the last time i saw my dad i was strapped to a gourney on my way to the hospital...(long story) besides that i haven't seen him in over a month...i miss him alot it seems almost like we are drifting apart which brings me to april...
in april i am going with my father to france and possibly Italy for three weeks just me and him...i am really excited to go but i know i will get homesick and miss my boyfriend...i would have asked if he could come but things like that never exactly work out in my favor.
I realize this post is kinda dragging on about stuff no one even cares about so let me write something positive....
hmmmmm... uhhhh...ummmmm... well you see....uhhhh......
theres a demented squirrel outside the window in front of me and its staring at me....o.O its kinda making me nervous but the window is closed (thank god) urghhhhhh and earlier this month someone...not naming any names. put her foot right next to my face knowing i HATE feet... they freak me out sooo much. they look like mutant hands...
on another note my teacher just showed us his new iphone4s its sooo amazingg!!! he asked it if he needed an umbrella and it showed him the wheather forecast and then he asked how old micheal jordan is and it told him 48 and 8 months! how crazyyy is that!!! then he scanned the barcode on his water bottle and it told him it was a mineral water and how much it costs...let me just say its pretty overpriced!ummm im running out of things to write soo this is the part where i wrap up my post with a clever witty remark...i got nothing...soo for now
Ill blog ya later

I did it...

SO i gave my boyfriend the URL to my site... feeling like i should have reread the stuff i used to write on here...because it was really depressing and what not thank god i didnt put the when the world turns black on here...he would probably get so freaked out...well now he knows everything.....he has the information to destroy me but....what is love but giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to... i know some of you are thinking shes crazy i would never have done that but i do truly love and trust him. and i have a ton of more things to put up on here.
kinda nervous but i refuse to censor myself i will always be just as real as i have always been since fifth grade :) a little nervous but excited all in one :D

just a little something...

U Make Me
You make me laugh when I want to cry,Make me live when I want to die,Make me smile when I want to frown,You turn my life upside down.Believe in me when no one else doesYou’re my now, my is, my was.When you call my name I begin to blush,I’m afraid people notice I need you so much.When I’m with you time flies by fast.It’s like the present is the past.I need you more than you can believe,Love you more than you can conceive.Think about you every night and dayAnd hope my life can stay this wayI don’t want it to be any other way.

Should I tell?

Well my boyfriend now knows all about the embarrasing stuff i write on this blog but he doesn't know how to find it... I mean how could i tell him all the embarassing stuff you know... not that i'm hiding it from him just... its kinda fun seeing how interested he is with all of it. even the cute little stories and poems i used to write...this is like a diary. I love him sooo much more then i can ever put into words and he makes me happy when no one else can...but i got this call yesturday from someone who i thought i would never hear from ever again
I knew it was bad from the start as soon as his name popped up on my caller id ...he started off speaking about how life was with him in Newark then he told me i was the only person he could truly trust. and somehow we ended up talking about his best friend who has had a crush on me for like a year...but the feelings aren't mutual. this guy he is a real player you know the kidnd that will only come see you with one thing on his mind... anyway his friend on the phone wants me to go over to meet themm...in a no strings attached kinda way...i immediatly turned them down but i do wish i could just go see them as friends and nothing more... But i know it will end badly ... i wish they were different. Ohhh the peple jenell introduces me to are no good... AND NO I DO NOT LIKE ITHER OF THEM! AND I NEVER WILL. i am not confused to where my heart is...i love one person and one person only... forever and always