Woah o.O

Ok from my comments I'm getting that you guys are confused. And I also see you evil sons of btches like my pain! Nonetheless the questions I get are always about my ex... (whom I said I wouldn't write about again) but these comments are out of control. What is team shadow?! My life isn't like that TV show awkward! I'm not having to choose between my boyfriend and my ex... This post feels so awkward for me. So I will just address the questions. So me and the friend who was messaging my ex... We are friends still.. I do believe she lied about certain things she said. (ex: he is not gay). I have probable cause to know he isn't gay...she does message me occasionally but more to talk about him then a polite hello. She likes asking questions about him now like favorite color and birthday and what not. I always tell her the same thing though...I don't really know him anymore. I know who he was AROUND ME last year! People change. GET OVER IT! It's not like I know nothing about him it's just my info it's obsolete..lol it's out of date! I'm not sure if she's obsessed with him or just wants me to talk about him...I have a feeling about three things. One. They haven't really talked as much as she says Two. She doesn't like him she likes how he hurt me. Three. She wants me to either talk to him or curse him out. I'm not sure it's just what I feel. She loves drama she's like a creepy fan of my dramatic life. And she knows I can only turn to my blog and only the people who reading this blog will see her how she really is. And a lot of you are angry with me for being her friend still. And I would tell you why I have to be her friend but I can't. It's a deep part of my past and it's buried now. So me and shadow...there's nothing to answer. He ignores my existence and I pretend not to care. And I talk to practically his whole family besides him. Just Friday I had a nice conversation with his mother. She's an awesome parent.anyone who thinks otherwise IS WRONG! Me and my boyfriend... He's always there for me. But I feel like I am now more cautious about who I trust and I'm afraid of everything. I'm almost back to that stage where I have a fear of people touching me. I notice that i am sort of pushing the people who care about me most away. I love my boyfriend I truly do. But I catch myself sometimes, when I'm happy and smiling and laughing and I get depressed and realize that will look back on moments like that when we can't be together anymore ( because he is graduating).I know it's bad to think that way but I do it a lot. Mostly with males. I think oh so you want something from me too or your just using me or tomorrow we won't even be friends will we. I always feel like everyone just wants a piece of me. And I'm afraid to be stripped down to the bone. I have issues with commitment when it comes to long term things like children and marriage. I just wanna crawl in a hole and die. I get that anxious just talking about it. Me and mr.wise not sure if you remember mr.wise from earlier posts but there once again isn't much going on with him. He doesn't even go to my school. He's focused on his football and what nots. We talk once in a blue moon. Someone asked why I don't call my ex shadow on here anymore. And it's a good question. I realize it's probably cause it has too many memories wrapped up in it. Just the title. And the reason I gave it to him was cause it sounds mysterious and sexy. The mystery part is still very much accurate. Just when I think I know all there is too know he always gives a plot twist. And as for the sexy part...lol well no comment. Another person asked why I don't give my current boyfriend the name shadow. It's because I don't want him to have that name on him. It will weigh us both down. And I won't bring him too that level. As for my poems...I write them still but they aren't very happy, and they make no sense what's so ever if you aren't me. On a different note if you remember back when I gave advice on tulip and Tom or was it Tim I forgot what his name on here was... She's doing well in her recovery. Mostly because her ex in her words "has put on a couple pounds" and " looks depressed all the time." and no I didn't say that she did. It made it easy for her to say haha fuck you that's what you get. And I totally get it. It's probably the wrong approach to the situation but that's her business. I know tulip had a crush on my ex last year and I'm pretty sure he was felling it too. But her crush went away over the summer. I know she still sees him as attractive ( because she's told me so) but she's not going to go there with him. Besides all of this my dance clubs are slowly but surely coming in to season. And I'm anxious to dance out all of this stress I'm carrying around. If I had a therapist I'm sure she would tell me it's unhealthy to be so stressed at my age, or out me on anti depression meds. Which I do not want at all! I'm happy...well I'm content with how my life is going now. Oh someone commented...in big bold letters if I miss my ex. And I'm going to answer this truthfully for those who are confused. After reading those messages I was hurt and sort of confused about how I should react to it all. I DO NOT hate him. But I know it's too late. The damage is done. I understand we can't really maintain a friendship if we can't even stand to look at each other. And I hear him in band and I see him but I cant get down on a level to talk to him. What would I say, how would he react. Would he be upset that I even tried would he end up yelling and curse me out would I cry...would he cry? It's too unpredictable and honestly we both have to much pride to be the bigger person and suck it up. I'm afraid to and he genuinely doesn't care...or so I think. So I miss knowing how to talk to him and the friendship we had before we even started dating. That was such a pure friendship. We looked out for each other. We were almost like each others therapist. It was good, while it lasted. But like I said I KNOW IT'S TOO LATE. It's over I get it. I'm recovering best I can and trying to be civil about the whole thing. People tell me I'm passive aggressive which means randomly I could just explode and let all this bad energy out one way or another. But if he truly feels it is funny for me too feel that way. It lessens how much I miss that friendship. It wasn't a nice thing to say and yeah I was taken aback by the whole comment. The first comment and the last one made me cry if you want me to be honest. It was not very long before I pulled it back in though. Bottled it all up and after that I took like a three hour shower. I always take one when I don't feel to good. I can be alone and I feel like I'm washing away my troubles. I'm refreshed and if only for a little while its only about me. I can let my mind go blank I can sing obnoxiously loud and off pitch I can heat up the bathroom. I'm free of worldly issues.then I go and write one of my poems that wnt make sense to other people I call my boyfriend and put on the best "I'm the happiest person alive" voice and I talk with him until i have to get rest. By the time u get up for school I brace myself for seeing my ex and tell myself, well I remind myself it's over. Because like I said earlier with having that concussion a while back sometimes I honestly forget things. Or I'll forget little facts. I sing crappy hood music and blast my headphones while I do my homework and I try to ignore myself. Because honestly in my head I talk wayyyy to much. I worry to much about nothing. About my health is almost the only logical thing I have to worry about. So this post was never supposed to be this long. But since I answered all the questions I hope you guys will drop the topic of my ex. You want answers then it's probably nothing I can do to answer them at this point...I'm sorry. As for #teamSHADOW! It's not going to happen...don't believe me go back and read the messages between him and my "friend" Let him tell you first handedly that there's no hope of a friendship. Sorry to crush your strange dreams of us being friends or dare yu even say getting back together but honestly I'm not going to lie to any of you or myself. I have a boyfriend and my ex is happy I guess with how things are. If not he will change them and I promise you guys will be the first ones to know... (sarcasm) So goodnight and try not to stress this shadow thing...please ask me anything else you want though feel free to get s personal as you would like <3 love you all. -blog ya later!