Happy confusion?

So as you can see I'm blogging more regularly now :) which is always a good thing. No boy gonna stop me from writin... Anyways I just got home not to long ago. I went to go hang with moe again. By some place that has water AGAIN! He is a mermaid obviously he just doesn't know it yet. Of course we laughed and talked again watching the moon and seeing the thunderless lightning strike far away clouds. It was soo much fun. I love being by the water and going to these places I've never even seen and what not. He has taught me a lot actually some things about the male mind that I want to share with you all... So you know that guy you freaking out about right now. Wondering what he's doing and who he is doing it with and if he is thinking about you to. Leg me tell you this is ALL part of the plan! Males know that females respond quickly to jerks because we all feel that the bad boy is more exciting and that we can have a bad boy that's only good for us. When in actuality they really genuinely don't care. You sit up at night convincing yourself the feelings are mutual and he will call when he is ready when he isn't even thinking about you. To accomplish this jerky attitude a guy will pick out the traits he doesn't like about you such as an annoying laugh or strange hair and remember it and save it so he will not become too attached... It makes a lot of sense. Because yes we females find something or rather someone and love the crap out of it. Lets face it we get attached like a dog to its owner. Males have found a way to detach themselves emotionally and well you know the saying we all want what we can't have. Well it's more true than you realize. Because the more he pulls away the more you thrive for his attention and you give him a lot of power. Men like power obviously. So girls please hold on to your integrity kept your dignity and don't ever become too desperate and sprung over someone who has no time for you and the same goes for guys as well you know I can't leave me male readers out. And not all guys are like this but the majority and the guy or girl you have been thinking about since you started reading this is probably just like that... And your thinking maybe I have given them too much power over me. You should be in control. I am still a virgin and I am going to be a senior in high school. I haven't let anyone break me. And I am waiting for the right moment with someone I am sure if mature enough. I want it to be so even if it doesn't work out between me and whomever it is we can both be mature about it and still be friends and there are no hard feelings ya know. Like imagine how much of a wreck or how much more of a wreck I'd be if I had slept with shadow or JD or mr. Wisdom for that matter... I would be distraught... And broken and lost and sad. But most of all I would have given up all that I keep dear to me. I respect myself and my body and I wouldn't abuse myself in such a way I would regret in the morning. Have me writing black poems for an eternity no I don't think so. I'm really hopin I reached just one person with this post and I didn't scare off anyone with it. I'm just being honest like I'm very naivë and I know this but I mean knowing is half the battle right? I never pick up on the signs of people who have bad intentions until its too late. I won't even know someone likes me even if they say it repeatedly. Ill assume you mean as a friend. I just don't think someone can actually like me. I'm just all over the place and hard to keep up with. I'm fun but weird. I'm definitely not looking for a relationship right now because I need to find myself and love in myself before I can love another person. But I don't want that to stand in the way of like future relationships. I want to go into my next relationship completely sure of what I want. No questions no doubts no fear. And I will not be rushed into a relationship. I'm taking my sweet time about everything... And right now relationships scare me. I assume they all end in turmoil or worse based on my experiences and it gets so much worse than just a break up. I'm super cautious with my heart and my feeling and I'm in my own protective bubble where no one can reach me. Because I just can't find the strength to risk it all. A relationship means a commitment not that I have those issues because I'm not a cheater but as in I always think they are permanent until they aren't... And I hate losing the perfect friendship afterwards. Maybe I should like swear off men and. Become a lesbian..? Is that taking it too far? Maybe I shouldn't give up on men because I know there are good ones around me but I couldn't lose them... I couldn't bare losing anyone of the guys in my life. But who says they even like me like that right...? I never understand how a guy could talk to you for ten minutes and decide he likes you. Especially me and my eccentricities lol and I dunno I just never fully believe when someone says I like you alexia cause I feel like they only like what they have made me out to be in their head. But when I don't math up to the perfect image they have in their head its all over. I can't be perfectly everything anyone wants because that would just plain be creepy but you have to deal with me just being me. And all that comes with me. Whether I'm sick or always busy or not able to communicate well or dancing every second of every day being insecure or what ever the case maybe that person has to accept all of it and agree to work with me and I have to work with them... Or it doesn't work. To me kissing is like that leap of faith into the darkness that is another persons soul sewn to their lips which are pressed to yours and your tongues perform a mating dance and then bp decision day. Everything is different your either more in love (of lust) with that person or you regret kissing a friend and now it's all awkward... It's on big gamble and you never know what the cards will have In store for you. It's never as easy as it is in the movies and I'm a sucker for a good romance story but its polluted my mind into believing that's how it always works. And now I realize chivalry is dead. It crushes the whole image I have in my head about falling in love and relationships. It's sad I'm almost like if you have seen breakfast at Tiffany's the old movie with Audrey Hepburn (my idol) I'm just like her. If you don't know what I'm talking about you need to step away from my blog and hop on Netflix or whatever illegal movie viewing site you use and find it and watch it and love it. Before I go off on a totally boring and useless rant about love and relationships and old movies starting dead people... Oh wait I've already done that now haven't I? Drats!!! Alright anyway goodnight blog world -Blog ya later!