Day03 to recovery

I'm healing... Today I went to the batting cages with a guy friend and it was soo much fun! He showed me how to swing the right way...I still can't quite get it right but I did hit the ball! Then we walked all the way to picklelicious and I got us pickles on a stick...I know weird right..whatever it was good and we got to chocolate covered pickles on the house!we walked further down the road to one of his favorite stores. It was this huge candy store and it had just about every candy you could think of! It even had razzles. He had never had them before. Razzles and both a candy and a gum I had to buy some. He loved them and so did I. Let's call him "JD" cause I am tired of referring to him as him!! So after JD and I walked over to clubfit and looked around I saw an old friend. We might even sign up for a class or two together because who doesn't want to get fit?! I know what your thinking...she likes him... Theres a big possibility...im afraid to like anyone right now though. I don't want to rush anything.thats what ended my last relationship.how do I know I can just pick up my heart in its broken entirety and hand it to someone else you know? I could sit for months trying to pick up those pieces to hand it to him...but is that fair, to anyone. If I'm going to love I want whole hearted love. He probably doesn't even think of me like that...but the more time we spend I think I fall a little harder each day.he's just the only person who I can be around stress free and talk about everything and nothing and he just understands. That's all I need right now. He keeps my mind off of all the pain and I really need it.

But now I'm home... Left with my thoughts and it sucks. I hate being alone because I have to much time to think about the pain. No tears yet... But definitely some sort of empty feeling which I believe will go away eventually. Moving on. Two words that kill me to admit but that's what I need to do. Obviously things aren't going to sort themselves out so I might as well right? Thing is I really thought that this could have been the start of something good. But we live and learn. It wasnt meant to be I guess...whatever or whoever I should say god has planned for me I trust will be just who I need. And same goes for...he who shall not be named. I hope everyone ends up happy. Because so far things aren't exactly all peachy yet,for either of us.

I wonder if he has cried. If it mattered to him.if I still matter. I should stop pestering myself these questions but I haven't slept too good for the past couple of days...because I'm thinking about all of these things it's killing me. But I know that I can't handle the answer to any of my questions. I'm so freaking frustrated. Why the hell am I doing this to myself. I wake up every morning half expecting the whole break up to be a dream. No a horrible nightmare. The words spoken were reversed. I wish he never had those moments to himself to rethink everything. I wish he had never looked back at us and realized a mistake. But that's selfish of me. It's selfish of me to want anything to go good for me...just once.only once in my life. Despite all of that It helped me forget all of my other problems at home and at school and with everything else. I posted something's on a social network which was received in a hurtful manner, I am truly sorry that's how you received it. But if what really hurt you was the fact that you believe I got over you too quickly then why did you break it off... Why should it matter!? Whatever I do shouldn't matter...nothing I say about forgetting you shouldn't effect you because that's what you did. That's what your doing. I just took time to write all of it down. I don't understand why you got so emotional about it to a point where you let it provoke you to reply with spite...you say you hate putting our business out there but not once did I even say your name...you decided to post on my wall. If you were worried about other people knowing why post it directly to my wall instead of in a private message? Wouldn't that make sense. Plus no one had even commented on those statuses no one even cared...so why did you.

I'm not being dramatic or rude or anything but quit feeling bad about it... You did what you felt was right...no one can change your mind. If your heart is set on it then let it be so... Just erase me.

Forget everything I did that ever made you happy forgett it all.quit reading my posts stop reading my blog and you wint feel any pity for me I promise. If you continue to read my posts and feel bad that's all on you...why should I stop ranting? This is my personal blog you wanted to read it way back when if i remember correctly I won't take it down because I write the truth and I won't change the URL because I've had it since like 6th grade... I have history with this blog I can't just change it because you feel bad. It blows my mind that you feel upset or hurt because of what I write...it's unlike anything I have ever heard. Most guys move on and have a new girl and could care less about the other girl. Who cares if she's broken inside and out who cares if she can't sleep who cares...is over your done. Unless you don't feel that way. But I won't even go that route because it would make no sense for you to even kind of have feelings for me still. I need to expell this thought from my head right away.

Should I just pretend I don't feel this way and get some new guy...no bad idea. Because I would just break his heart like mine is broken now. And no one deserves this pain no matter what he has done. No one deserves sleepless nights and dreary mornings. No should feel this depression for any reason. Ever. Maybe that's what happened to me. Is a chain reaction...

Heartbreak is a chain reaction whether you say you could never be that person at some point you will breaks someone else's heart. In my case I didn't deserve it. But I lived it and learned from it. I'll change my methods become a new person and figure out why I don't deserve one good thing in life. I'll open up I'll quit being afraid of stupid things like scare crows, feet, and bugs. I'll quit noticing everything...I'll be completely oblivious to everything. Because that hasn't exactly worked out for me...but then again nothing really does. Let me stop lying to myself as if everything is ok... I should stop caring so much. Because right now I hate me. I hate everything I do. I regret everything i say. And it kills me. Because if anyone knew this they would send me to a psycologist.

I wish it was easy. I wish being me was easy. I wish my everything was crumbling around me. But wishing gets me no where. Hoping gets nothing done. Lets face it I'm all alone theres no one to help me but me...no one gets it. No one can understand. I just want to be happy. No scratch that I just want to be free, free of me. I want to be someone else leave everything about me behinds and take on a life of o problems... But wouldn't we all like that? I'm so selfish god...what the hell am I doing this to myself for? I'm just going to stop before I go crazy...

-blog ya later!