Day01 to recovery...

Well today went better than I expected its the first day after the breakup with shadow and I'm still breathing still living still pushing forward... People around me seem more upset then I am though... My mom needed to get closure so she deleted his number it was too funny! The awkward thing was first period. I sit right next to him...I half expected him to move his chair since he hates sitting in the front anyways.but he sat there he actually looked more depressed...I would have asked but I'm not ready for an answer yet...I wonder if he read what I wrote in his journal or if he threw it out... He probably threw it out. Whatever that's not my business... I just hate when females keep the stuff the guys give them... I forgot to give him back his ID but I'm wondering if I should keep it you know as an EXample of what to stay away from next time. Soo many people have been so helpful his friend from last year seems to be trying to rekindle some sort of past feelings he had but wouldn't that just be awkward...or wrong I don't know...I don't know anything anymore. I thought we had at least a better friendship for him not to lie to me... Or at least come up with a better excuse you know? " I think we rushed into a relationship" is kind of too late to say now because we started dating in august of 2011... Shouldn't you have ended it there...before emotions ran deep. Like Adele says" we could have had it all...rolling in the deep."

I wonder if he told his mother...I wonder of he used me I don't know anything about him anymore I feel like I have been lied to and everything I thought was true is now compromised. URGHH... What a plot twist.

I reread everything in that journal he gave me and it just doesn't add up... It says plainly there in black and white I love you I will never break your heart blah...I can't even anymore.

It's like I'm living a degrassi episode. I stayed up a long time last night waiting to see if the after shock would sink in waiting to see if I would crack and break down see if I would end up a mess with eyeliner dripping and leaving black pools of tears in my sheets.and yet nothing...I felt a little sick like I was going to throw up or something...but I doubt that was shadow induced. In French I felt dizzy like sitting next to him was draining my soul, like I was sitting next to someone I didn't even know.

I wanted to say something anything...but I could not I couldn't bring myself to say anything. But all I could say was his name. A name that now has no meaning no past no history. I handed him all the things he gave to me and I felt a load lift off my shoulders. But I feel like I'm slowly dying in there like the room is getting smaller and I'm running out of oxygen. I couldnt get out of there quick enough to breathe oxygen not full of shadow. To clear my head to be free of thoughts. I thought I would cry seeing him there and having different feelings.

Yesterday I saw his face twisted up like it was last year when he was having relationship issues with one other chick.who was there for him...I was. What a waste I wasted energy giving advice and worrying if he was ok for no reason at all because she broke his heart and I was there and he did the same and I'm all alone. There's no one for me too really tak to about it with. It's almost like a slap in the face. Last year I thought to myself don't fall for him, this could be trouble. This could end in disaster. This could end badly for me. And now we aren't even friends. He gave the whole we can be friends speech but we haven't even so much as looked at each other. Besides french I was happy it was one of the happiest days ever. I got a good grade in English and I got to skip computer apps for a band lesson and on band well... I felt sick again but not like shadow in the same room sick like actual sick like pass out on the floor sick. I was dizzy and the notes on the page were all fuzzy and it was hot and cold. I wondered if I would pass out but yet I kept smiling I felt dizzy up above and all bubbly in my stomach everything was happy. Shadow on the other hand didn't look so hot. He looked just as depressed as he had in French. But that's no longer my problem.i hope he isn't frustrated because of me though because how twisted would that be... I wonder if someone said something to him and it provoked this change of heart I wonder if someone lied I wonder if someone planted the idea in his head.

After school I saw him but I was more focused on other things I figured if he wanted to talk i would listen but I no longer have a response. I can't wait to see how quick he recovers this time. Who will be there to give him advice who will save his broken heart and keep him sain juggling his relationship schoolwork and battling home life. It's not an easy job and no one could step up to the plate. But whoever takes on that challenge forever has my respect.

But with all of this stress is dangerous because of course I won't complain to anyone.the stress could leave me in the hospital. Do you know what will happen then. I will be home schooled because the school doesn't want to risk anything...meaning no Normal classes no seeing my friends no dancing. What am I to do? That's the end. The end of my dream. Homeschooled kids need a parent home during "school hours" which isn't going to happen because my mom is never home.

This is causing way too much trouble for me. But who would even care if I told them his. Wo would listen to all of this complaining. No one because no one is ever here. It's better to just keep it in. If I go mad the. Who am I to blame but me? I figure I'll take a break.

I break from everything I break from caring I break from noticing a break from love. Because fuck it....fuck it all I don't need anybody I've got three faithful people in my life and that's all I need. Because at night we all lose our shadows.

Goodbye?...