Just one of those days

I dunno maybe it's just me. It's just one of those day when everything just hits you at once. Nothing goes as planned and your frustrated at everything and you want to cry but there is no actual reason to. Everything and anything bad just boils up and smacks you in the face. And you feel overwhelmed. Recently I've been thinking not about anything specific but about my life in general. I have a good life for the most part I can't complain I guess. But it's like being in a house having everything you want and no one to share it with. Mom isn't home but when she is she makes promises to watch movies and when it comes down to it she never wants to or is too tired and my foster sister is eleven and she is always is trouble. JD is always there for me but I can never go see him without being interrogated and then lectured for something that's pointless my mother just doesn't trust me...I have no clue why she won't just admit it. I can't take thebus I can't walk anywhere if I text someone she automatically assumes its JD or some guy who is in love with me when half the time I'm writing little memos so I don't go insane. And besides all that shit my father lives way out in Timbuktu so I can't just see him whenever I want. He wants to get me a motor scooter but my mom once again doesn't trust me enough to let me even ride it anywhere. I haven't seen my brother in so long I can't even tell you how tall he is. And then there is the occasional depressed moment.

It's like a wave of. Sadness and anger that comes out of nowhere and I just have to blame it on something. Normally I say it's my parents or shadow. And a few times I feel like I'm just going to explode and freak out or do something I would really regret. I have turned back to writing again. I have written countless angry poems about life and love and hatred and shadow. And all the shit people go through. And to some it all up I'm tired. Sick and tired of all the nonsense and sometimes I wonder if everything would be better off it I were to just disappear no one needs someone like me around even though they will fight with me or for me to think otherwise I just refuse. I feel like I'm wasting space sometimes and I need to just go far away.i wouldn't think about running away because where will I run to? Sometimes I find myself planning out how I could survive living in the school without anyone knowing. I know where I would sleep I know where there are. No cameras I know how I could get food I know how to keep the doors open.i have a locker to put all my crap in.why not right! It would be perfect. But eventually I would end up back home listening to my mom rant about god only knows what instead of listening to the problem. She blames it all on me sometimes she gets frustrated by me asking a question, I don't even want to talk to her like that anymore she makes it seem like we are perfect and we tell each other everything but it's all a lie. I'm normally fending for myself or all alone. She ignores me half the time and I know she hears me and sees me looking at her. And she gets all fussy and raises her for voice and god forbid I point that out it only gets worse. She says my room is very messy but when other adults come they ask their kids why they can't keep there room as neat as mine. Why they aren't good children that listen like I do. All the other adults praise me for what I try to do but my mom never sees that she is never happy never satisfied. And she's always working to accomplish some ludicrous task that doesn't need to be done then complaining that she needs sleep. One word that describes my life is alone. I'm lonely but not alone people are all around me but they aren't with me or can't be with me for that matter. And things just fall apart for no reason. And that's why I think I'm just wasting space like there are people working harder than I am and going through worse and yet I have the audacity to complain and rant. If I would let myself all day every day I would probably rant about my parents or how I never see my friends or how shadow really did hurt me weather I admit it or not. I think about that day not even that moment in school almost every other day.i think about how confused I had been and what I was about to tell him when he said it. I think about how big of a mistake it would have been to tell him. I think about how after I didn't even know what to do I didn't know whether I wanted to hit him or hug him or curse him out. I think about how he played me so well.i think about how I can't even look at him anymore because I don't want to feel sorry for anything I feel. I think about how I know we can never "be friends" like he said because I won't trust him. But mostly I think about how he impacts everything I do still. I don't love as much as I can I don't trust as much as I should and now words have no meaning like I'll never hurt you or I love you. Nothing matters like it should anymore. I cant listen to certain love songs without feeling sick and I have finally found a person who makes it all melt away even if only for a little while but I never get to see him. And even then I feel like he deserves more but I just can't give it to him because I'm so fucking screwed up now. I think I know what I need To do though... JD signed me up to do announcements one day this week and I wrote something. Nothing really bad or harsh but it's the truth. I'm going to read it over the announcements at my school and no before you start assuming I never once used anyone's name in it. But if you listen close enough you can definitely tell who and what I'm talking about...I gotta go before this post becomes a story!

-blog ya later!