How is it that I have " ther perfect life" and yet I'm never happy. Fuck it all I just can't anymore... My mom is never home to all to and yet she's mad at me because I found someone to finally talk to. Someone who gets it..someone who struggles the same as I. I just want to stand in the middle of the street and scream. Why is it that my parents always find something to be mad at? Everyone praises me for all I try to do. I'm not out doing drugs or anything I shouldnt be doing and yet they get mad because I talk to much on the phone? Not even because my room is messy or anything... I have never allowed myself to cry for so long about anything... My dogs gone I never see my father moms isn't home foster sister is always in trouble dealing with her own shit uncle has cancer the worst break up ever....
What the hell did I do? How could I let myself drift so far from who I used to be?
Losing my dog...really hard because Nala was all I had when I was all alone. I used to tell her my problems because she couldn't tell anyway... My father lives out in nowhere I never see him and I just found out that he has diabetes. My foster sister is now here with me when my mom isn't but she is 11 how much can I tell her. She's dealing with worse than I...I guess. She's got crazy family drama I can't even explain.she doesn't need to be bothered with my shit. My mom isn't home ever, so telling her doesn't really work. We always say we are going to do something and then reschedule...and even then it's not happy because we come home and have moments like this. Nobody knows....nobody cares... I can't tell anyone. Who needs this sort of stress anyway?
I'm sick and alone and frail. I know how to defend myself but when everything is thrown at you at once you sort of get lost. I am strong because I know I have to be. My parents don't even look at each other. I have a brother god only knows how he is..l I didnt even know about him until he was almost one years old.
I think my room is driving me insane. It's a big purple box of nothing. No one to do anything with. And just when I finally felt I could open up and life was good... We break up. And now I'm coping with it...but my mother freaks out whenever I talk to JD. He doesn't even know the half of it. Why the hell is it so complicated for me? Why can no one see it from my point of view.
My mother says stop talking to him so much... Which isn't possible knowing us. We could talk for hours about nothing...she doesn't trust me. Fine. Then do not ask for my trust.i can't talk to my mother the way I talk to him anyway she won't understand she can't help. She just doesn't get me. She doesn't ever really ask either... She doesn't know me. She can't tell you any of my teachers names. She hasn't ever been to parent teacher conferences I can't say the last time we took a second to just talk without arguing. And all because I realized this and cope with it. She rips it out from underneath of me. I'm not even strong enough to scream. I want to blame it all on my ex but I can't it's not his fault. He simply fell out of love...if he was ever in it. I wish I could blame it on someone. But I can't I wish there was someone to talk to. But there isn't...anymore. So to shadow goodbye and to JD I hope I can find a way to get my mom to see what I see in you.with you I cannot be anymore. She took it away. And I'm so far gone that I can't see where I came from. And just like that my life is broken, I can hardly breath and I'm open for suggestions. There's no need for me to worry anyone with this nonsense anyway.
I might as well just let go. I'm not nessecary. I don't matter. I'm.not needed. And to the people who believe otherwise I'm sorry. I don't know where the girl you thought was worth while went. But she's not here.and then there's "Amina" (fake name) who just left again I hadn't seen her in who years... She came here after running away and now she is gone again.
I'm done now....
-blog ya later!
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