We are all entitled to it.and we all get it in different ways. For me I write and I write until my fingers hurt. I think and rethink until I have nothing left to think about. But I was forced today to talk to face all of the facts I didn't want to know. I didn't feel ready to know the truth. In a talk I discovered that my relationship was rushed. Rushed into everything, rushed into false love I guess I loved that I had someone I could fix like a project a big psychology project. Not in a mean way either but I really love helping people. He became drawn to that false love also from my understanding. But what happened is I actually fell in love while he fell into I guess lust or infatuation something other than love. The truth is harsh isn't it. So as I understand it all the texts and poems were purely from his mind but not from his heart. There was never any love. In which case I was soo taken off guard because that's some grade a acting to look me deep n the eye I remember it vividly at the park and say I love you eyes that did not show a lie at all. Everything was just an illusion of the heart. A mind game I guess. But in the process only I received the pain. Almost so surreal I could not acknowledge it as occurring. Sure I have been in horrible situations where I've felt depressed or whatever but to tell you the truth ever teenager ones through that. But none of it prepared me for this. This that happened oh too quickly for me to accept. I won't call it denial because I realized I was sad but still not having a tear fall from my face I realize not sadness but an emptiness. Like nothing matters.like I just lost everything and nothing. But I am mostly mad at myself... For doing what I always tell other people not to do. I tell everyone love is giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to. I did that all of that not realizing the entirety of what being destroyed truly feels like. I feel like I was stripped and wrapped with lies and pushed into traffic. It's a lot to take in over a couple of days, a lot of pain. The pain of being hit by a truck and losing oxygen. I feel incapable of emotion. I figure why put myself into another predicament such as this. Never love never get hurt. No worrying about anyone of anything just not caring.
And if you ever read this I'm sorry if what I write hurts your feelings. But you had your turn to tell the harsh truth now it's my turn. Either way you didn't have to read it or respond this is a personal blog and now I'm not even allowed to write on it. My mother wants me to take it down. This blog is like a glass wall that protects me from insanity. I'm deeply sorry for my truth. For writing about how I had not cried. Because I am probably to sad to cry. For acting the way anyone would after being dumped. I haven't even muttered the words to myself out loud I don't want to fade the fact that it's happening again. I do everything I can to not complain to listen to everything you have to say to be the best girlfriend I can and yet end up back here.
But why...and all for what obviously what ever I'm doing must be wrong. I should complain whenever I get the chance and shut you out and forget about your needs. Maybe I should reevaluate everything I do. Another question... Why read these posts... If they hurt you why force yourself to feel what I feel. Why do it to yourself no one asked for your pity I wouldn't expect you to understand what this feels like. Please do me the favor and save yourself the heartache. Because although I hate to say it I still care. And I hate that I care. But I can read it right on your face. Every fiber in my body tells me not to care but my heart over rules it all. I care, maybe a little too much for all the heartache I feel on your account. I figured it could never happened. But explain yourself if you don't love me if you truly don't care why let me provoke you why let everything fall so heavily on your shoulders? I think there's more to it... I think someone told you something possibly a lie and you believed it. I think you took it to heart and then your ego took over I thought you could never be that guy.
But then again what do I know. Nothing.
Time for me to do me... Have fun do what I like forget everyone else's problems for once and solve my own. I'm all alone out on my own. I guess I just gotta let it burn.
-blog ya later
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