well....this is a day late but i forgot to do it yesturday so here i am doing it now....
"today" wasn't bad first and second period were alright i got to watch finding nemo in chemistry and i found out i finally got my grade up to an A-. i am soooo proud of myslef for that...
ummm then there was a choice i had to make either go to lunch or down to theatre and have it be an awkward conversation...
i went to lunch ate then i went down to theater... i avoided the awkward conversation because i didnt know what would happen if we were to even try to have a conversation this early... it would be like throwing salt on a cut.
I probably should have said something or stayed at lunch but i really do enjoy theatre even though im not technically in the class... i spent the time on the other side of the room....for the best i guess unless he took it the wrong way which would have either no effect or make things worse...i feel ok i guess the rest of the day was fine...i think he was trying to say hello in the morning but i wasn't sure if it was meant for me...so i didnt wave. i figure we need a long break from each other before we force a friendship. we have rushed into things in the past and that led us nowhere.
so i guess for now this is how its going to be until one of us decide to stop being sttuborn and let it all go...maybe that would be thursday. because that makes a week of singleness for both of us.
i remember what its like now to be single to talk to every guy just because to have no strings attached to any conversation the freedom to say whatever you want. its nice....its refreshing.
i feel like more people are starting to realize one by one and so randomly people are talking to me again...i feel like im back in the real world again.
theres hope for a good year still everything is not ruined. i still have my trip to france coming up. and thats definitly what i need. i need to escape from everything i know, from my world.im leaving the country to find me...the real me. to get space and gain clarity on who i am and why i do things the way i do.
Im just going to leave it all behind...who i was and who i used to be...that girl is gone. for right now anyway.
im not dependent on anyone for anything i need only myself and to find happiness that way like ive been doing my whole life as an only child. to love is to give someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to...lets just say i am destroyed... all there is left is rubble bones and a ghost of who i used to be. to be reborn i must search for self.
My friends are really helping me through this at least i can count on them to be there when i need it... the girl talk is much appreciated!
and JD i dont know how but he has the ability to make me forget if only for a little while everything im stressing over i laugh and i mean really laugh when we are talking and he just gets it...thank god someone does... ive found my real friends and the people that will always be there for me when i need them...
JD is really open i trust him... because he trusts me. we both just understand almost like we have lived through the same problems you know? i could just go down the list of the friends helping me but it would take a year to write but you know who you are and this is me showing appreciation. The girl you know and love will be back shortly just let me go through this and get it out of my system...everyone has this moment at sometime in their life. i guess its my turn.
its funny because alot of my friends had boyfriends and drama when we were younger and i was the one to help them out and i would always think i never want this to happen to me.. i just couldn't handle that pressure and stress.. and yet look where i am only two years later on the other side of the fence... things change i have changed... andf i regret it alot but i cant sit here and mope all day... i can pick myself up and walk away with whats left of the real me...i have love for everyone in my life yes even...him. and for specific reasons... even though i should be hating him part of me knows who he is... i think things have changed about him and i thought i lost him...all of him everything i saw in him but i realize he is the same person just not with me. hes still thst guy i met at the party that day hes still the guy who i went to the movies with and i helped through hard times. hes that guy and i have love for him...but i am not in love with him anymore.
friends? yeah ofcourse once i find a friend in me again...once i stop hating myself for stupid reasons when i relax and stop stressing for no reasons...and thats the life i live right now...so till next time
-Blog ya later!
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