Journal posts (raw and uncut) No.2

I belong to me: 4/24/12 Today I waited for you to come home with the rest of me. I felt lost and confused and as time passed I kept losing myself. I never knew what it was like to only be half alive until I waited for you to bring me the air I breathe the color I see, the heart I need. I didn't know just how strong I was until I realized that I belong to me. Don't act like what I had was for you to claim. We are no longer the same, but no need to worry about that anymore. You saw me weak you saw me hurt by circumstance and yet you chose now to run away. To run with what you claimed. You didn't look like much of a robber to me, and yet I'm left empty. Forget you I belong to me. Go off in whatever direction you left me for. Never look back, never realize a mistake. Never admit that you loved me. That would only open up a healed wound. I have you shit by the way it's piled sky high in my closet. Collecting dust, that hides my pain and our memories. But I don't want your problems any longer I need my space. So come and get your pain and your problems from me because I'm done trying to fix you, your on your own. I belong to me. So fuck what you heard and fuck what you thought you cannot have me. And after all of that I can't even hate you despite how much I want to. And you don't have to leave my life you just gotta get the fuck out of my head. I see you now everyday carrying another piece of me, a memory. And it's not fair you get the wear my heart on your sleeve. But none of that matters since I belong to me. I found me: 4/30/12 Yesturday I found myself. I was laying In the middle of the street at 2:03 in the morning . I wore nothing but pain and my blood. Against the cold pavement my lifeless body searched for you. Yesterday was the day I died. And I tried to call believe me I tried but it's hard to call when you already know the answer. And I died with a grudge too. I couldn't remember his name but I knew I had a whole lot of shit to say. I saw color leaving my lips and love leaving my heart. And it could have been the glasses look in my eyes but I knew I have unfinished business with you. But what happened? How did I get here? Why do we stand here now oh so far apart? Was I hit by the truth? Or was I simply running to you? Yesterday I left my house at 1:30 in the morning. Ran in the pouring rain searching for someone who probably didn't remember my name. And yet I ran with the legs of the broken girl. I screaming the pain of the broken girl. And in all of this trouble I became the broken girl. Did I find my rainbow? Did I see the light? Did I discover me beating heart in your hand? Well give it back... Tell me I'm your flower and your my sun and everyday I'm open up and stretch towards you. And tell me why I cold never reach you. Explain why it wasnt ok for you to love only me. Explain why I was outside in the rain at 1:30 in the morning only to die. Explain why I was running to a show which already had its curtain call. Explain why I ran to the sun when only the moon and stars and out. Tell me why you would disappear every night and pretend to care In the morning? Tell me why I found myself at 2:03 in the. Owning dead in the middle of the street and you were nowhere to be found. It's not fair: 5/2/12 It's not fair how you can hang me up and shun me to the back of your closet and pretend like last week I wasn't your favorite shirt.and now I found someone who wants to wear me and I won't let him be auss I fear his blemishes I fear his stains. And I'm not fighting for attention I'm fighting for respect. Remember when I was brand new? Remember when thing were happy? I don't. I remember being the sleeve you wiped your tears with. And no matter how you try to pretend like you never wore me I'll always be there in the dark depths of your closet reminding you of those times when you appreciated me. Why talk: 5/8/12 I understand we do not love any longer. I realize we don't even speak any more. But what I don't understand is why my name is in your mouth. I heard from Jenny who read on twitter someone's repost about a post about some girl you used to love. It said she was nothing. She was no good. She was like the rotten apple at the bottom of the tree that everyone reaches for because they are to afraid to climb to the top of the tree and get hurt. And my name shouldn't be the hot topic of your conversation. And it hurts sometimes to remember a time when you could barely take your eyes off of me. I don't want your condescending labels and your ignoramus comments. I want you to disappear. I wish I hadn't wasted my time being your granny smith when I could have been someone else's red delicious. I wish I hadn't wasted my time looking at you while you were looking behind me. Eyes so cold they could freeze your soul. And stop your heart and I wonder why the hell you have the right to talk. Because I remember you scraping your knee trying to reach up to me.