Journal posts (raw and uncut) No.1

No love: 4/14/12 With lies on your lips I cannot taste you With insanity In your words I will not speak over you When temper strikes I will not argue Cause I remember a time when you looked me in my eye and said I love you. And I can't take that madness That silent madness after a storm The cold dampness that settles In your lungs And leaves you with crumbs only to ask for them back. This storm we called love was unpredictable No one warned me, it was unfathomable. And yet I stood outside drenched in what used to be Thinking he only used me For what could be But we both know never will be. And yet I looked you in the eye I believed you when you said it I thought... I thought you were the guy I could wake up and still find laying next to me That guy who could never lie that guy who could never pull me aside and tell me what we had, couldn't be, Then leave me in misery without so much as an excuse. And yet I'm left in the quiet mess Thinking and rethinking how you could walk away and act like you don't know me. Until I realized you were never mine I was yours only for a little while. Because we loved with the love that was more than love.right? Or at least that what you whispered in my ear when you wanted Everything I had to offer and now that you have it I can't call you my lover Because I can't look at you anymore Ask me your name, I can't remember anymore What is love? I can't recall it anymore, because it's gone. Love is gone And now it's just me...or at least what used to be. Numb: 4/15/12 Now I know what it's like to be numb inside and out. When time is frozen and your heart beat just keeps getting louder,until everything goes blank. You see his lips move but your stuck on the thought of it being over. And just like that your life is broken you can barely breathe and now your open for suggestions. You gave him your all you gave him your soul you gave him the power to destroy you and yet you trusted him not to. And yet look where you stand now. Perfectly alone in this crowded place. And the walls keep closing in and you need your space. This is for the people who have ever felt numb, when love is ripped out from underneath you, just when you think you have your balance love attacks you from the blind side.and all that's going on around you nothing exists but this numbness you feel. Anxiety: 4/16/12 You can feel the pressure build in your chest and the walls cave in around you. A burning lump forms in the back of your throat and your traped forced to choke on the truth. The room spins and twists and turns but you stay stationary. An itchy sensation crawls up your spine and everyone's attention turn to you. Breathing becomes uneasy and your eyes fill up but you cannot cry. And now your fidgeting uncomfortably in your seat, but you can't get up. You break out into a cold sweat. Your eyes bounce back and forth as if to study every detail ut you can't concentrate, when silent waves of terror flow through you and your head begins to ache. When a whisper becomes a yell and conversations mocks and swirls around you. That nausea feeling takes over and your trapped in the eye of the storm wanting to have to have the power to make it all stop. As my mind enters the twilight zone and your body hits the floor You leave it all behinde sounds fade and your all alone. I am not a poet: 4/17/12 * disclaimer I have know idea why I wrote this poem and it's completely irrelevant compared to the other stuff I write but whatever enjoy it :)* I am not a poet, but I gotta lot of shit to say. I can't break you down spiritually or make you cry lyrically. But dammit I am tired. No asked to end up like this. Sitting hopeless. Left to sing the sng of a broken soul. But fuck it I'm here ain't I? I'm living and breathing, and that's all that matters right? WRONG! I believed in all that fairy tale bull shit and I've gotten nowhere. I wanted a happily ever after... But the. I wonder who the hell is happy, I mean truly happy anyway? We paint smiles on our faces and we pretend we haven't all. We tear each other Dow. Just to bring ourselves up. And that boy didn't ask to be a rainbow, but you painted him homicidal When bullets become his relief And frozen eyes with dead smiles mean its all over When the red blood drips and the brown skin fade and lips turn blue... That boy didn't ask to be a rainbow yet you painted him homicidal. Now he stand behind silver iron bars, giggling his fears away knowing he is only one color now. He is orange. He is as orange as his prisoner jumpsuit. Prisoner of this generation and the way we think Prisoner of stereotypes and deception And with you six feet under he is no longer a rainbow but he has been painted homicidal...