I must be a horrible person... I need to bud out of people's lives and let them solve there fucking issues on their own. Because I feel the need to help everyone, I take on their mental stress and I'm loyal to them...and for what I always end up hurt later. I help then I hurt. And so many people say they love that about me how I'll help them when no one else will and shit. But where are they now...when I need them.huh? I can't deal with all of this new found stress.i wish I could just be a loner and not care about anyone. And hate those people but I can't. I believe all these people are still in my heart but the sad thing is they probably don't even think about me anymore. I don't understand why it's not ok for people to treat me like a human being? I have feelings and hopes and wishes and life isn't perfect but I move on. And this is the part where I start ranting about how much I hate shadow. But the really fucked up part is I can't bring myself down to hate him...and I really want to. I want to treat him like exes do. But I don't it's like I have too much pride to bring myself to that. And I won't stoop to that low.but apparently he has. I cannot tell you the last time he even looked at me. I don't know how to erase people out of my life especially since I'll see them often. And I can't do it. Sometimes I need to leave the classroom and be away from it all. And I can't even cry about it because I'm not really a crying type of person but I can sit there and let it all build until I can hardly breathe.closure...yeah. I keep saying I don't need it but eventually if I keep denying it I'll spaz out. And end up at the hospital.and it's not fair to anyone else because even when I'm with them and happy in the back of my mind I'm going insane and when I'm alone it all seems to just break me down.and I have this feeling like he still reads all these posts maybe he doesn't it's just something I wish he would do. Maybe so I could pretend like we still talk because I lost a good friend or what I thought was a good friend in all this shit.maybe tomorrow ill just end it. End it as in either five up or stop caring. Which is so hard for me to do...when a person gets to that point where they are dead in my eyes it's never a good thing. Or maybe I'll end it some other way....
I'll just walk up and say what I need to say and walk away... I've got a couple questions...
And I really just want him to lie to me and say it never happened or whoever that guy was isn't the true him. He's actually just an asshole I want to stop feeling like somewhere down in him is that guy I knew. I want it to be something or someone else. I don't want to even sort of feel remorse.i want to remember nothing of what happened and move on with my life. God damn I'm all worked up and shit. Like I'm all fucked up. I never thought I would ever be here writing this. Not even because of shadow because he has nothing to do with my present problems he's old news is what I tell myself.and I've got this fucking stuffed dog in my bag and I can't bring myself to give it back to him. I won't look at him long enough to even tell him I have it. He doesn't even give a shit about the stupid dog anyway. I figured I'd give it back when he asked about it but he hasn't so...
And don't let me forget I think he actually said something to me last time it was strange....I was having a headache and I was feeling really sick because of allergies and what not and I swear he knew it befo I even said it out loud. All he said was you should go to the nurse and he turned and he walked away. It meant something for him to at least care that I don't go die. But at this point I am struggling to hold on sometimes and no one knows it but I'm only getting more sick and there's nothing the doctors have for me and I can feel my body getting weaker and my senses lagging behinde sometimes and I really don't want to be home schooled because of all this shit but it may come to that. The other day I had a seizure in class it was short and JD was with me...no one knew until I told him and it was brief enough for me to be able to survive going to band later on.but this sick thing is really taking its hits at me.and for all I know anything could happen at anytime and if something were to happen I wish I leave with no sadness back here I hope I experience all life has to show me and I apologize to who I need to apologize to and I can move on peacefully like I'm about to do with this post :)
-blog ya later!
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