extremely me...

uhh well lately i've been doing some inner discovery kind of experiments and i find it interesting...have you ever stopped yourself you know like when your really really upset and truly truly happy and asked why do i feel this way or why do i feel the urge to do that? well i have... i started doing this because learning about other people was becoming somewhat difficult without truly knowing myself. so i challenged myself that everytime i felt really happy or sad or angry of lustful or jealous or whatever the emotion i would stop and basically examine my own self.
when i am really happy:
it was because everyone around me is happy and i get this really goofy smile that doesn't fade...or i am around shadow. having some sort of bonding time with the family...aceing a test. mastering something in dance class. you can always tell when i am really happy because i smile for no reason and im always trying to keep people laughing.
When I am jealous:
i don't really get jealous truly...i know a lot of girls say that and people think they are lying but i always think whats there to be jealous for? if i see someone with something i really want instead of getting jealous i thikn well that person must have done something to earn or deserve it good for them. or girls even flirting with shadow two reasons i will never truly be jealous 1.) i take it as a compliment that he is a really hot guy and other girls wish they had him and 2.) he is really bad at picking up on when people like him or are ttrying to flirt with him he is truly just being friendly. i do joke around alot when other girls are around him i give them little looks but im just messing around... honestly he could come to me and be like that girl over there is really pretty or give some other girl a hug i wont feel insecure because at the end of the day i trust he is comming back to me!
When i am sad:
sometimes when i have time to myself and im alone trapped in my room i think about the thinngs that have happened in my life that aren't so great. like my parents divorcing or my great grandfather dying or passing out and freaking out my classmates...the strange thing is i tend to tear up but i will never fully cry i kind of just smile through it because i hate when people see you crying and ask questions that truly dont make you feel even worse. i find that i am the best at hiding this emotion...unless you truly know me...i act differently when i am sad like i am trying to hide something (which i am). i hate complaining about my life because i know there is someone somewhere who has it even worse...if you were looking at me and i am sad (trying to hide it) you would probably notice i take longer time blinking i look down alot i will say something funny then the smile will fade quickly and i wont really be listening to what your saying no eye contact for more than 5 seconds....
When i am mad:
hmmm... when i am mad i act like everything is fine and it doesn't bug me at all...people when i was younger made fun of me but it made me the person i am today...but i would not really say i am the person who would full out freak on someone because they make a snobby comment. there is the one girl who i wont even give a name she doesn't tease me but she is always commenting on whatever i do in a rude way she has been doing since like 6th grade and i do wonder what i ever did to make her feel that way toward me. of course i do feel like just screaming at her sometimes but i hold back and refuse to give her that hold over me... if you were looking at me and i am mad you would see that my teeth are clenched even if i am smiling and i keep looking away as if i do not want to be bothered.
When i am sick:
because i am just a medical mystery people know i faint and ive got issues with head aches and dizziness and all kinds of crazy stuff...but i dont like causing a scene i just wish i could fly under the radar when i am being rushed to the hospital... this is why i know the people who do care about me stress themselves out asking if i am ok and worry aboutme...and they don't understand whats wrong so theycannot help...i feel like i drama queen complaining... so i just don't i would rather just ignore it then let someone know that i can't even see two feet infront of me or the headache i have is so bad i can't hear see or think straight. if your are looking at me when i am sick you would probably notice that i have a look on my face like i am going to throw up but i keep holding it back i kinda squint a little and hold my hand to my temple and i give one worded answers i won't look at you for too long because i dont want anyone to know. i might look a little teary eyed and blink alot but that would be normal for someone who is having a migrane i guess...P.S. even writing this section i kinda feel like i am complaining and i should erase it!
when i am in love:
I never want to be away from that person and love hearing their voice. when i am in love i feel the need to know everything...i need to know the life story what you like and don't like what makes you happy. and i sometimes just find myself just looking for no apparent reason i gess just to look at that person thinking about him.i know i know really sappy stuff but whatever you could have stop reading by now... i feel like it is my job to know how you are feeling and what you need.just by looking i am able to tell your mood or even guess what your thinking about.i feel like i need to understand the things you are into as well even if i suck at it (like video games). if you are looking at me and i am in love you would notice i keep smiling and laughing even if for no reason i coulld spend a whole day with you and not even have to say a word...i will be the first person to say i love you...
To be continued...because i feel self centered writing this and that now everyone will know what i am thinking and they will try to mess with my head...yeahhh i am talking to you shadow!!
-Blog ya later!