Okok I'll explain..

Judging from the confused comments I figure people want to know what was going on last post. Yeah you sick people love hearing about my emotional traumas... I really need to get off this topic before it drives me insane though. And well if I won't tell my problems to anyone they stay bottled up. This is the release i get. Right here on this blog. Where I can't be judged. Alright so after school one day my friend stacey( name change) messages me telling me how my ex hates me and doesn't want to talk t me and a whole bunch of crap I wasn't prepared for. And she does this on and off for about a week. And because I thought I knew him well I didn't believe any of it. And plus I think she sort of likes my pain too. We have a strange friendship... She tells me things about him. How they are talking and he admits he's gay ( which I know has to be a lie) and he has a girlfriend who lives in Florida. Then they broke up and now they and seriously talking. ANSI just didn't want to hear about it. Yea we aren't talking. And I'm not used to losing someone. Like that. Well like from boyfriend girlfriend to barely friends to I can't even look at you? I'm always the go to person. People come to me when they need advice about their exes and I always tell them they need to man up suck up the pride and talk it out. Yet I can't do that now... Ironic. Anyways. So finally I tell her I think she is lying he wouldn't say things Ike that especially not to you knowing we are friends. He might not want to talk to me and I guess that's cool but I doubt he would go tell you that even if you asked. He likes to avoid dama like that. So eventually me and stacey start a huge argument. She calls me some nasty words and she's planning to take him from me and whatever. I'm like you can't take him from me if he isn't mine. She calls me pathetic and many other names I don't want to write. And all I beg of her to do is to not break his heart. Sounds dumb right... He's just left my out in the rain and I was all depressed and whatever and I'm protecting him what gives?
Well that's how we really started talking if you remember. His ex was giving him the let's be friends talk and he was in the place I am now. I tried my best to help because I didn't like seeing him pretending to be happy. I knew he was dying inside.
She's like I can do what I want. And I'm better looking anyway. He won't dump me and your just a
push over you let everyone walk all over you. And I'm really freaked out. Not only did I lose him
butim losing her too because of him? And he hasn't done anything!? She's calling me a bad friend and I feel bad for not trusting her but it's not like she doesn't have a history of trying to take someone
from me. She sends me screen shots of one of their conversations.
It only really shows that he doesn't want to talk to me and whatever. Nothing about being gay or having a new girl. But it was enough to make me want to curl up and just go die alone. It was horrible.
Fast forward to today. She calls me when I finish my marching band practice. Saying she wants me to  talk to him FOR HER. Are you out of your mind? You want him talk to him yourself. Don't bring me into it. Have respect. She gets even more pissed saying I'm a bitxh and all this stuff and mind you I'm pretty sure he was like right behind me. Of course pretending I don't exist and not paying attention. So it was ok. And he probably only heard me saying go talk to him yourself. Then f*** you. Rather loudly into the phone. I doubt he realized it was about him. I doubt he cares.
Not only does she tell me he hates my guts but she wants me to talk to him for her? To be her wingman...well wing woman? Seriously...
I know I must be misunderstanding something and I'm wrong and somehow this is all my fault. I should have left him alone to deal with his ex and I wouldn't be in any of this situation. I realize I can't help the world and not get run over and left behind. I can't solve my own problems by helping anyone else.
And even further than that she sent me those screen shots while I was at a foot ball game. Marching with the band. And he is right in front of me again! What the hell she has to be stalking me she always gets me when he is right there ignoring my existence. And I'm guilty of it to. Sometimes I try to erase everything about him. Everything I know everything we did...just everything. But it never works if I'm always the bad guy and Stacey brings him back up just when I think I'm starting to be ok...
And I actually did forget. I got a concussion at dance practice last year really bad. And I was forgetting some minor things...it screwed up my math but more importantly. I forgot we had broken up in the first place. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks and. Remembered.
So I was practically reliving the break up. I was the bad guy for giving him his presents and stuff back. The bad guy for ruining a friendship. I was just doing more wrong than good.
He believes I am an ass hole for giving his gifts back. Well firstly I've always told him even before all this mess. I don't like it when guys give me things. Because when it's all over I can't keep them it makes me feel cheap and I can't keep a necklace you gave me it has to many memories. Yeah I got carried away though. I didn't just give it back I finally felt the sting of being dumped so I put everything he gave me n a bag with a note. I can't remember what it really said. It was something like I hope you will be happy and I hope you won't miss me. It was just some sappy note. It wasn't to make him feel like a jerk just for closure I guess..it didn't work though. I knew I needed to talk but I know I'm the worst at telling people what's wrong I'm more of a listener. So I chickened out. I had the conversation all planned out in my head what I'd say where why how...but I couldn't. Because I didn't want to miss him. No actually I didn't want to miss who he was to me and who I was around him. Actually I should upload the conversation on here. So you know I'm not crazy. I'll have to black out the names and stuff though. And I know your all judging me and thinking I should stop complaining give up on him cause he isn't coming back let it go your pathetic and talk to him one last time for actual closure then walk away and never look back. And to you people I say well thanks for being honest and I know all of this is true. And I think it's too late now. I'll just have to roll with the punches. Let stacey torture whatever is left of me with whatever he may or may not be actually telling her and ignore it. Pretend like life is happy and peachy. I'm good at that anyway. I have everyone fooled. I take pride in knowing my smile can really protect me from having to say it all. I know if I say it all out loud that I'm going down. With tears and emotionally I'll be in a worse place especially if he confirmed everything stacey says and he does hate me or whatever the case maybe I might just have to go a little insane at that point. More so than I already am of course. This post is getting pathetic. I keep saying its over and I'll never write about him again. Because I don't want to. And he could be reading all of this. Which he could take many ways. He could hate me more. He could feel bad because of miscommunication. He could be pissed that I still write about him without permission I guess. It could go a number of ways. I doubt he reads this though. He would only being himself down. Probably Remember how he felt when what her face broke his heart. He might have pity on me. But I dont need pity I have to be strong. I'll find other topics to write about and forget about it. My boyfriend now won't like this post anyways. He might get all angry and blow it out of proportion. He might confront my ex. Which I want to avoid at all costs. No one is to approach him about me because... HE DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG! I wish he had so I'd have more of a reason to be this upset after all this time. He did nothing but fall out of love. Which he may or may not have even been in, in the first place. As I think back it's hard to imagine actual love for a person as fucked up as I am. I'm just always doing something wrong or getting it wrong. I'll never win Ok goodbye...I'll upload their convo later don't worry I'll make sure to leave out the boring parts and of course their personal info. Out of respect. -blog ya later I guess..