Girly bs. Tomboy

So when summer was coming to an end I decided out of the blue I was going to be more girly. Since I'm always with jeans and maybe a nice shirt if I'm lucky. So I bought a shit load of dresses and skirts and nice girly things. I realize the majority of my friends are guys. I just get along better with males... Probably cause there is way less drama amongst the guys. With my guy friends I can talk about anything. From cars to football to basketball to sneakers anything really. I even tried to change up my hair as best I could. I've done straight curls waves braids bangs. Everything but color. I want to dye my hair and cut it and completely re do myself.i guess you can say my renaissance has a cause.. But I won't get into that. Curls seem to be working out fine. They are just super unpredictable they can look very different from one day to the next. But my inner Tom boy is always like "wear some nikes" or " you know you want Jordan's and a SnapBack. Watch the eagles game. Go play dead or alive. I need mortal kombat in my life. Even though I look girly I still feel tom boyish on the inside. My doctor told me I've been losing too much weight in a short amount of time. I don't think I have. I still feel my usual thick self wide hips and awkwardly small boobs. I think I could lose a couple of pounds for dance season and maybe try partnering.MAYBE. My doc says my weight loss is most probably due to stress and I was all like well I wonder what that could be from...im perfectly happy my life is amazing (sarcasm). And I doubt the loss is stress. Because I eat pretty much the same as I did before...minus breakfast and lunch. I hate eating so early in the morning now, it makes my stomach turn. And I don't eat lunch either cause school lunch is gross. And I hate eating infrint of my peers. I feel judged cause I eat too properly. I've been working on the American slouch but I still have to eat pizza with a knife and fork or it doesn't work out well for me. I find recently I've been reminiscing on freshman and sophmore year. If only I could go back in time. I would do so many things differently. Save myself from stressing out. Told myself to study because the quiz wasn't as easy as I thought it would be and overall just relax more. So my health issues wouldn't be so much of a issue. This post seems boring and like I'm just rambling to keep my mind off what my fingers are itching to type...and if you read my blog you know what/ who I'm talking about. So TOPIC CHANGE! Today I had a football game to go to. Of course being in the marching band I get e perks of going to every game and witness us lose first hand. The other marching band there today was AMAZING! Their patterns were all intricate and they were talking and dancing and what not. It was sooo cool. We lost the game but it was all good cause one: I still had fun playing fourth quater music ( which is when students put together popular music to play) and two: I stopped myself from passing out, I was close and I felt like I was losing conciousness but I'm not sure what happened I just like snapped myself back to reality. That was pretty cool. I can't believe I'm a junior I feel so old...I gotta start really looking at colleges and what not... OH MY GOSH IM SUCH A SPACE HOW COULD I FORGET TO TELL YOU! I have been driving. With an instructor I went on Wednesday it was easy! I'm quite a speed demon. My instructor says I drive like a guy which I decided to take as a compliment since men are better drivers. My next lesson is tomorrow at ten ill be working on parallel parking. I'm excited. My instructor already has my permit all I have to do is complete four more hours of lessons and then I'm PERMITTED to drive. Hehe see what I did there!?either way. I've been driving and that's all that matters cause it means I'm one step closer to getting my motor scooter. Hopefully a Vespa maybe a Honda. I want one in either black or red. Too sexy!! My dad was asking what kind of cars I like and i was like the Audi R8 duhhh the spyder edition!or even the S5. As long as it isnt a mini coop or a lil zip lunch box on wheels and it's a safe car I'll be fine. In other good news I'm supposed to get a new phone on my birthday february first :) Aquarius you know the best sign ever. And February the best month to be born in. I finally can get rid of my phone-a-saurus! And hopefully get the..wait for it....drum roll....IPHONE 5! I would be too happy to get an apple phone. Start fresh a phone that has mono scratches no issues no bad memories just a new beginning! Hopefully I'll get a new number to I've had thus same number since I was nine...literally! My friends Stacey won't be able to reach me and her drama will be out of my hair and I can live without constant reminders! Im reinventing myself I swear by senior year you won't recognize me! I'll have lost my weight for dance my new girly look my hair will hopefully be different. Maybe even a new piercing im not sure where yet though. Or dare I even say it (write it) a tattoo. Something little and out of the way yet cute but professional! Maybe a puzzle piece or a treble Clef or a feather a dandelion a butterfly some sappy line from a song or poem. Something meaningful to me though. So much has changed who I am who my friends are who I can trust and who I have to let go of. S much is different from freshman year yeah I've made a lot of big mistakes. But if you don't fall you won't know how to get back up again right? I know I can hold on one more year of highschool and then deal with whatever college drama I might have. Like loans and freshman 15! Haha Well...it's official I'm bored with this post thoroughly. So comment and let me know what you want me to write about. I might even go back to advice or making lists...it's going to be a new beginning. A cleansing of the soul if you will! And on that note... -Blog ya later :)

the convo...it could be worse

Okok I'll explain..

Judging from the confused comments I figure people want to know what was going on last post. Yeah you sick people love hearing about my emotional traumas... I really need to get off this topic before it drives me insane though. And well if I won't tell my problems to anyone they stay bottled up. This is the release i get. Right here on this blog. Where I can't be judged. Alright so after school one day my friend stacey( name change) messages me telling me how my ex hates me and doesn't want to talk t me and a whole bunch of crap I wasn't prepared for. And she does this on and off for about a week. And because I thought I knew him well I didn't believe any of it. And plus I think she sort of likes my pain too. We have a strange friendship... She tells me things about him. How they are talking and he admits he's gay ( which I know has to be a lie) and he has a girlfriend who lives in Florida. Then they broke up and now they and seriously talking. ANSI just didn't want to hear about it. Yea we aren't talking. And I'm not used to losing someone. Like that. Well like from boyfriend girlfriend to barely friends to I can't even look at you? I'm always the go to person. People come to me when they need advice about their exes and I always tell them they need to man up suck up the pride and talk it out. Yet I can't do that now... Ironic. Anyways. So finally I tell her I think she is lying he wouldn't say things Ike that especially not to you knowing we are friends. He might not want to talk to me and I guess that's cool but I doubt he would go tell you that even if you asked. He likes to avoid dama like that. So eventually me and stacey start a huge argument. She calls me some nasty words and she's planning to take him from me and whatever. I'm like you can't take him from me if he isn't mine. She calls me pathetic and many other names I don't want to write. And all I beg of her to do is to not break his heart. Sounds dumb right... He's just left my out in the rain and I was all depressed and whatever and I'm protecting him what gives?
Well that's how we really started talking if you remember. His ex was giving him the let's be friends talk and he was in the place I am now. I tried my best to help because I didn't like seeing him pretending to be happy. I knew he was dying inside.
She's like I can do what I want. And I'm better looking anyway. He won't dump me and your just a
push over you let everyone walk all over you. And I'm really freaked out. Not only did I lose him
butim losing her too because of him? And he hasn't done anything!? She's calling me a bad friend and I feel bad for not trusting her but it's not like she doesn't have a history of trying to take someone
from me. She sends me screen shots of one of their conversations.
It only really shows that he doesn't want to talk to me and whatever. Nothing about being gay or having a new girl. But it was enough to make me want to curl up and just go die alone. It was horrible.
Fast forward to today. She calls me when I finish my marching band practice. Saying she wants me to  talk to him FOR HER. Are you out of your mind? You want him talk to him yourself. Don't bring me into it. Have respect. She gets even more pissed saying I'm a bitxh and all this stuff and mind you I'm pretty sure he was like right behind me. Of course pretending I don't exist and not paying attention. So it was ok. And he probably only heard me saying go talk to him yourself. Then f*** you. Rather loudly into the phone. I doubt he realized it was about him. I doubt he cares.
Not only does she tell me he hates my guts but she wants me to talk to him for her? To be her wingman...well wing woman? Seriously...
I know I must be misunderstanding something and I'm wrong and somehow this is all my fault. I should have left him alone to deal with his ex and I wouldn't be in any of this situation. I realize I can't help the world and not get run over and left behind. I can't solve my own problems by helping anyone else.
And even further than that she sent me those screen shots while I was at a foot ball game. Marching with the band. And he is right in front of me again! What the hell she has to be stalking me she always gets me when he is right there ignoring my existence. And I'm guilty of it to. Sometimes I try to erase everything about him. Everything I know everything we did...just everything. But it never works if I'm always the bad guy and Stacey brings him back up just when I think I'm starting to be ok...
And I actually did forget. I got a concussion at dance practice last year really bad. And I was forgetting some minor things...it screwed up my math but more importantly. I forgot we had broken up in the first place. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks and. Remembered.
So I was practically reliving the break up. I was the bad guy for giving him his presents and stuff back. The bad guy for ruining a friendship. I was just doing more wrong than good.
He believes I am an ass hole for giving his gifts back. Well firstly I've always told him even before all this mess. I don't like it when guys give me things. Because when it's all over I can't keep them it makes me feel cheap and I can't keep a necklace you gave me it has to many memories. Yeah I got carried away though. I didn't just give it back I finally felt the sting of being dumped so I put everything he gave me n a bag with a note. I can't remember what it really said. It was something like I hope you will be happy and I hope you won't miss me. It was just some sappy note. It wasn't to make him feel like a jerk just for closure I guess..it didn't work though. I knew I needed to talk but I know I'm the worst at telling people what's wrong I'm more of a listener. So I chickened out. I had the conversation all planned out in my head what I'd say where why how...but I couldn't. Because I didn't want to miss him. No actually I didn't want to miss who he was to me and who I was around him. Actually I should upload the conversation on here. So you know I'm not crazy. I'll have to black out the names and stuff though. And I know your all judging me and thinking I should stop complaining give up on him cause he isn't coming back let it go your pathetic and talk to him one last time for actual closure then walk away and never look back. And to you people I say well thanks for being honest and I know all of this is true. And I think it's too late now. I'll just have to roll with the punches. Let stacey torture whatever is left of me with whatever he may or may not be actually telling her and ignore it. Pretend like life is happy and peachy. I'm good at that anyway. I have everyone fooled. I take pride in knowing my smile can really protect me from having to say it all. I know if I say it all out loud that I'm going down. With tears and emotionally I'll be in a worse place especially if he confirmed everything stacey says and he does hate me or whatever the case maybe I might just have to go a little insane at that point. More so than I already am of course. This post is getting pathetic. I keep saying its over and I'll never write about him again. Because I don't want to. And he could be reading all of this. Which he could take many ways. He could hate me more. He could feel bad because of miscommunication. He could be pissed that I still write about him without permission I guess. It could go a number of ways. I doubt he reads this though. He would only being himself down. Probably Remember how he felt when what her face broke his heart. He might have pity on me. But I dont need pity I have to be strong. I'll find other topics to write about and forget about it. My boyfriend now won't like this post anyways. He might get all angry and blow it out of proportion. He might confront my ex. Which I want to avoid at all costs. No one is to approach him about me because... HE DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG! I wish he had so I'd have more of a reason to be this upset after all this time. He did nothing but fall out of love. Which he may or may not have even been in, in the first place. As I think back it's hard to imagine actual love for a person as fucked up as I am. I'm just always doing something wrong or getting it wrong. I'll never win Ok goodbye...I'll upload their convo later don't worry I'll make sure to leave out the boring parts and of course their personal info. Out of respect. -blog ya later I guess..

ehh its whatever...

why make the effort to make sure you dont talk to me dont even look at me and then tell my best friend that you dont wanna talk to me. and its funny. and im waving JD in your face? i respect your feelings and your allowed to have them but at least go to your friends and trash talk me. not one of my friends who is going to come and tell me... sometimes i think you like tearing me apart and leaving me bare bones. and after all this beginning to end i still cant hate you. i still see that i have no reason to. and hate is a tricky thing. almost makes you quesstion do i hate you or do i hate who i am around you or how you have changed? and its odd because i dont even have tears left to cry over you. im sure tear ducts have a capacity because mine are all dried out. but i still feel that little burning sensation like im about to. and its almost like i cant escape. 85 minutes in the same space or the hallway. maybe i should just move? i wont have to deal with these odd feelings. everyone says i should hate you and curse you out. yet since that day i havent been able to say a word to you. i dont know how. i know maybe somewhere in there is the guy i knew but that mask i see now isnt him. and im not going to pretend it is. what do you want from me now? its been how many months? dont you have someone else to pick on. find someone else take everything they have left and hang it over their head. i remember when that was you to... it was like seeing a lost puppy out in the rain. i could have just kept on about my business but no i had to bud in and give my advice and opinion. i wish i didnt feel the urge to help everyone and hurt myself. honestly it sucks. cause your entire family still speaks to me. like we are friends just catching up...that has to be awkward for you to witness but i feel fine with it. its almost unreal how you get to me and have said nothing to me...ok goodnight -Blog ya later...