Random poems...

Poems I wrote in my phone... I just wanted to put them out there and see what happens... Don't judge me. When my face turns that familiar shade of death purple and suddenly the sky is closer than the ground, you are lost. When you pray and pray just let this headache go away. When suicide is the only answer the only release to ease the pain. It takes a lot not to feel the rain of your personal thunderstorm. Help me. I've fallen and I can't get up. I've fallen from grace and I can't find my way back. The darkness has enveloped me so I can't find the light. The light. I see the light it is close so close I know what it smells like. I ponder death so often I know what it tastes like and I feel it. I feel it coming over me sweeping me off my feet and taking me far away. Insomniac Eyes blood shot veins drained of soul. You lie there trying to make your ceiling as interesting as possible but you only find regret in the days past. Which are all blurring together and confusing time. You haven't slept in weeks. Your a mess and you should really pull yourself together. But not until you solve this final problem or at least rest it down and be at peace with it. Just a couple sips to warm my belly maybe one more to numb me. How about a cup so I can relax or two to make me forget?every memory every emotion is compromised by what used to and what could have been. Sleep is a precious luxury of the fortunate but sadly not a necessity of the poor. I am black... Not the color of my skin but the context of my Soul. And in that black darkness I shall find release. Hooray! For creepy dark poems lol you all know I have no idea how to write happy poems. Lol so I hope again I didn't scare you away... Love you all :) <3 -blog ya later!

Happy confusion?

So as you can see I'm blogging more regularly now :) which is always a good thing. No boy gonna stop me from writin... Anyways I just got home not to long ago. I went to go hang with moe again. By some place that has water AGAIN! He is a mermaid obviously he just doesn't know it yet. Of course we laughed and talked again watching the moon and seeing the thunderless lightning strike far away clouds. It was soo much fun. I love being by the water and going to these places I've never even seen and what not. He has taught me a lot actually some things about the male mind that I want to share with you all... So you know that guy you freaking out about right now. Wondering what he's doing and who he is doing it with and if he is thinking about you to. Leg me tell you this is ALL part of the plan! Males know that females respond quickly to jerks because we all feel that the bad boy is more exciting and that we can have a bad boy that's only good for us. When in actuality they really genuinely don't care. You sit up at night convincing yourself the feelings are mutual and he will call when he is ready when he isn't even thinking about you. To accomplish this jerky attitude a guy will pick out the traits he doesn't like about you such as an annoying laugh or strange hair and remember it and save it so he will not become too attached... It makes a lot of sense. Because yes we females find something or rather someone and love the crap out of it. Lets face it we get attached like a dog to its owner. Males have found a way to detach themselves emotionally and well you know the saying we all want what we can't have. Well it's more true than you realize. Because the more he pulls away the more you thrive for his attention and you give him a lot of power. Men like power obviously. So girls please hold on to your integrity kept your dignity and don't ever become too desperate and sprung over someone who has no time for you and the same goes for guys as well you know I can't leave me male readers out. And not all guys are like this but the majority and the guy or girl you have been thinking about since you started reading this is probably just like that... And your thinking maybe I have given them too much power over me. You should be in control. I am still a virgin and I am going to be a senior in high school. I haven't let anyone break me. And I am waiting for the right moment with someone I am sure if mature enough. I want it to be so even if it doesn't work out between me and whomever it is we can both be mature about it and still be friends and there are no hard feelings ya know. Like imagine how much of a wreck or how much more of a wreck I'd be if I had slept with shadow or JD or mr. Wisdom for that matter... I would be distraught... And broken and lost and sad. But most of all I would have given up all that I keep dear to me. I respect myself and my body and I wouldn't abuse myself in such a way I would regret in the morning. Have me writing black poems for an eternity no I don't think so. I'm really hopin I reached just one person with this post and I didn't scare off anyone with it. I'm just being honest like I'm very naivë and I know this but I mean knowing is half the battle right? I never pick up on the signs of people who have bad intentions until its too late. I won't even know someone likes me even if they say it repeatedly. Ill assume you mean as a friend. I just don't think someone can actually like me. I'm just all over the place and hard to keep up with. I'm fun but weird. I'm definitely not looking for a relationship right now because I need to find myself and love in myself before I can love another person. But I don't want that to stand in the way of like future relationships. I want to go into my next relationship completely sure of what I want. No questions no doubts no fear. And I will not be rushed into a relationship. I'm taking my sweet time about everything... And right now relationships scare me. I assume they all end in turmoil or worse based on my experiences and it gets so much worse than just a break up. I'm super cautious with my heart and my feeling and I'm in my own protective bubble where no one can reach me. Because I just can't find the strength to risk it all. A relationship means a commitment not that I have those issues because I'm not a cheater but as in I always think they are permanent until they aren't... And I hate losing the perfect friendship afterwards. Maybe I should like swear off men and. Become a lesbian..? Is that taking it too far? Maybe I shouldn't give up on men because I know there are good ones around me but I couldn't lose them... I couldn't bare losing anyone of the guys in my life. But who says they even like me like that right...? I never understand how a guy could talk to you for ten minutes and decide he likes you. Especially me and my eccentricities lol and I dunno I just never fully believe when someone says I like you alexia cause I feel like they only like what they have made me out to be in their head. But when I don't math up to the perfect image they have in their head its all over. I can't be perfectly everything anyone wants because that would just plain be creepy but you have to deal with me just being me. And all that comes with me. Whether I'm sick or always busy or not able to communicate well or dancing every second of every day being insecure or what ever the case maybe that person has to accept all of it and agree to work with me and I have to work with them... Or it doesn't work. To me kissing is like that leap of faith into the darkness that is another persons soul sewn to their lips which are pressed to yours and your tongues perform a mating dance and then bp decision day. Everything is different your either more in love (of lust) with that person or you regret kissing a friend and now it's all awkward... It's on big gamble and you never know what the cards will have In store for you. It's never as easy as it is in the movies and I'm a sucker for a good romance story but its polluted my mind into believing that's how it always works. And now I realize chivalry is dead. It crushes the whole image I have in my head about falling in love and relationships. It's sad I'm almost like if you have seen breakfast at Tiffany's the old movie with Audrey Hepburn (my idol) I'm just like her. If you don't know what I'm talking about you need to step away from my blog and hop on Netflix or whatever illegal movie viewing site you use and find it and watch it and love it. Before I go off on a totally boring and useless rant about love and relationships and old movies starting dead people... Oh wait I've already done that now haven't I? Drats!!! Alright anyway goodnight blog world -Blog ya later!

Back my popular demand!

So I'm sorry for not posting in so long everyone but you could imagine how the argument with JD went about me not posting anymore. Let me update you all. JD and I broke up. We were "friends for awhile" but then he like snapped and had a fit cursing me out and callin me pathetic and what not all of this while I was rehearsing for my Terpsys show mind you. It was stressful so you know my routine I cried a little then left rehearsal and played my flute in the stairwell all dramatically. Sounds sappy but I felt better so I went back got on stage and killed every dance. The show went amazingly it got a little confusing with all the costumes and what not though... I went on the Terpsys trip which was awesome we traveled down to Virginia to perform and stuff. Of course at the hotel there were people drinking and smoking and having sex all of which I had no part in. But one of the places we performed at was just so terribly ghetto. I couldn't handle it lol. What else has happened oh JD started Dating one of my friends... Yeah I know your all wondering how long I cried and if I yelled at him. But actually I laughed. I laughed so hard my stomach started to hurt. Why did I laugh? Well maybe it's cause I was thinking its impossible for this kind of stuff to keep happening to me or maybe it's because the girl and I weren't really close friends or the fact that she was a freshman and he was a senior. Or maybe because before her freshman year even ended JD Is her third boyfriend.. Or possibly cause all of his friends don't like her and he cut them all off. Or maybe it's because all of her exes texted me when they found out saying he made such a dumb mistake and he's gonna regret it and they called her horrible names which I thought was mean so I told them not to speak that way around me. Or maybe it's because he took her to his prom. Actually it's probably because since we broke up I'm not as stressed and in glad he found happiness in someone who obviously loves him full heartedly and can help him with his issues even if all his friends want nothing to do with him. They regularly tell me he's changed so much and he cut everyone off and he gained so mug weight and all he does is eat and sleep with her. I mean like wow. I can't be mad if he's doing what makes him happy. Actually i have nothing against him and I don't consider him an enemy I don't think anything bad of him. I worry more about shadow than I do him. I know your all like what the hell let it go... But I haven't so here's what makes the drama more interesting... He was talking about me recently. And he was telling all his friends that I was crazy and creepy and I was a mistake. I was ok with being crazy. I was slightly less ok with being called a creep. But then he called me a mistake. And all things tumble down hill. I'm completely beside myself upset and freaking out and sad and confused. It's all so ironic because the person that told me has a crush on me. Which is fine and yes I know for sure he didn't lie about it. The weird thing about it is everything about this guy lets call him the hacker reminds me of shadow... His height is the same he is in the band he is slightly younger than me his voice his personality they way he laughs and his computer smarts combined with how he speaks to me remind me oh to much of my infamous ex. I can't even deal with that though. Valentine though I've been talking to him often and he's really been the best person for me to talk to cause he practically knows the whole situation. Valentine by the way is my dancer friend. He told me he likes me also and sometimes I wonder what makes it so easy for people to like me then turn around and hurt me. And that's why I'm single and loving it. I'm staying boyfriend free until I can handle one and I feel so safe that I know who ever this person is even if it doesn't work out we can really still be cool and mature enough to still be friends. Omg how could I not tell you... I GOT A JOB! that's right your reading the posts of a working woman! Yeah I work as a pizza girl in an Italian restaurant. I'm still training and its still hard for me to get everything straight but I like working there even though every time the phone rings and I have to take an order i practically have an anxiety attack . But I think I'm doing a good job of hiding that from my co workers. Speaking of whom my co workers are amazing there's rob who is a bus boy and he is super focused at work unlike any other time which is funny especially seeing him at school but I can tell he has a great wok ethic. There's Chris and she is my trainer she's super cool but she makes me nervous cause I'm afraid to get something wrong or mess up. I hate being the new girl. But she's an awesome person and she's pretty funny I feel like there's more to her that I don't know yet and I hope we become closer as I continue to work there. Then there's Moe dollaz. He is really the homie I haven't known him long but he's super awesome nice and funny. He drove me home and that same day we went out at like 9pm and I didn't get back home until 3 in the morning. And let me tell you it was one of the most fun nights of my life. Firstly we went to some park I had never really seen all of and there was this lake and at night with the lights reflecting off the water and the toxic tadpoles you could practically hear the cliché comedie movie music playing. We say there taking and laughing for maybe an hour or two and not once was it awkward or boring. It was actually relaxing and refreshing to get to be away from the drama and with someone who barely knows anything about my drama and my struggles. Someone who can't judge me. It was amazing. Oh and he drives as in got his own car and everything! Which I think is cool. Then awhile later he gets this call and I hear someone on the other side of the phone say man hunt at the house now we are waitin for you. And I'm like hell yeah we are out. So we drive over to the house and there's two girls and a guy and I assume they will be playing man hunt when we get tree but it wasn't really the space for it there. So we all jam pack in moes car and huff it to a different park to play man hunt at like 10:30 at night lol me as dj in the car blasting music and driving fast we played like two rounds of man hunt and oh one of the girls tried to abandon ship... Out of a moving car. It was hilarious cause the. She just books it deep into the park and we drive off pretending to leave her. We get back only to find her hiding in a tree thinking she was camouflage thus starting the game of man hunt girls vs. boys. Awesome right?! But then it gets better! We all pack into the car again after being attacked by Mosquitos and laughing our hineys off to book it over to moes guy friends house he changes and gets some cash and we roll through the streets dodging cops and rapping to biggie smalls and speeding down the empty streets to end up at a 24 hour diner. And let me tell you the people who go to diners at 2 in the morning are hilarious. You know the people in the table by us were drunk when their waiter practically had to use sign language to get their orders. We all laughed and joked for a couple hours about kidnapping people and I didn't eat any food cause I wasn't hungry but it looked amazing I can't even front too bad I was no where near hungry. So I enjoyed listening to the stories of their crazy excursions and crackin jokes on the other guests. It was so much fun and then my mom called... My heart ached I was breathing all hard and in sure I started sweatin I pick up the phone and she's like "do you know what time it is" so of course me being a smart ass I look at my phone and tell her the actual time she's like "where are you" with the tired pissed mama voice and I'm like at a diner and she's like "we'll get home" *click* and she hangs up on me. So naturally I stay for like 15 more minutes and then I leave I get home and she's waiting on the step i don't get in any trouble probably because she was too tired but I could tell she had been worried... I hurry up to my room strip and put on pajamas and lay in the bed realizing I have to get up early the next morning for practice... Not only have I gotten a job but I am in 42nd street the musical at a local theater. Which should be a ton of fun but I have to figure out how to balance that and my new job. It's difficult because I have practice like everyday now and it will be difficult to not get fired for not being there...and then I'm like how will I balance this with school next year... And then I start freaking out right before bed about Terpsys and senior year and college applications and all this stuff that will make it impossible to work a normal schedule... I get nervous and I freak out and a few minutes later I'm knocked out and the next thing I remember is being rudely awakened by my alarm. And I got to rehearsal half asleep. And I can all I can think is that was one amazing night