The Beginning of the End.

It's happened. And I feel like a weight has been lifted. I swear Ok ok let's rewind. On Wednesday I auditioned for the school play right? And the next day shadow added me on Facebook and liked something on Instagram and something in me just went fuck it. And I messaged him. I'm gonna explain the conversation to you and then how I felt about it. I said "Shadow what are you doing?" "I don't even know" " I don't know what to say." "You don't have to say anything. I do" "You do?" "I'm sorry for what I did. I should have told you why... Do you want to know why" "Tell me" "Ok. I really love you for real. It might sound like corny bullshit but I just felt like you had all this love to give and I wasn't able to return it. I didn't feel like I deserved an amazing relationship because I'm not used to that and it was selfish of me but I don't feel like I deserve you. So I put on this mask like I don't care but its been eating at me every fucking day and I know the last thing you need is to see all this but I just can't hold back anymore." -PAUSE RIGHT THERE- Anyone else notice how that is all present tense? Alright so what does this mean. I'm so confused at this point. I'm sad mostly. And questioning everything. I'm wondering why he never said anything it will be a full two years of us not talking and looking at each other in march. HE broke up with ME. Right? So what all of a sudden changed and me it ok now. What am I doing different right now? For both of my exes to start talking to me? Why today this day... (Thursday) fast forward in school we go to call backs because of course we are both amazing actors. Not but really I had no idea what I was doing. But I had to leave early amount other people because we had a game that day and had to be back at band. So what do they do they say "Alexia Lorenzo go up and read for David and Monica" My brain exploded at this point. The scene is there are two actors and the girl goes over to his house to practice the lines because she's confused about that transitions but he has other plans and refuses to be turned down. So what all of this means is I'm sitting next to him and he PUTS HIS ARM AROUND ME and I stiffen like what are you doing and I start to regret coming because I can tell he has an agenda... They made us do like four scenes back to back to back. And I had to look at him there was no way around it. His character is supposed to be like smug and cocky. But on his face it was a mix of emotions. But you could see the character mask falling over him. We jump of the stage and I look at him and say "how did I know that was going to happen" he points up and says "Jesus" and I chuckle a bit and well.. It couldn't possibly get any more awkward. I really wanted the Monica part. But some sophmore got it honestly I can't remember who the girl is but she's probably taken a theater class as to where I haven't. I got the understudy of Sally the nervous innocent naive assistant. And I'm fine with that because I can act nervous any day. And she has a fun character. At our school the seniors usually get special considerations for parts so its weird. I'm not complaining though. And shadow got the part of David I think. ANYWAYS... Back to the conversation the day before... I tell him "Shadow don't lie to me, just tell me the truth." I honestly couldn't believe anyone could love someone and not speak to or even look at them for two years and sit there in agony. He proceeds to tell try and convince me that his intentions are true and I half believe him. Or we'll part of me wants to believe him. It's just so darn peculiar the timing and all I mean. I told him if he wants me to believe him he would call me. And he did. We spoke for exactly 22 minutes and it was somewhere around 11 at night. I cried a bit on the phone. And when I say a bit I mean ugly death screeching cry that I'm sure he heard and laughed at later. So we hang up and the next day was Friday I believe we had a game and he spoke to him like in person and stuff it was great. We have been talking on a regular now. And texting and he says he still has feelings for me. Which I don't know quite yet if I trust. And I dunno how I feel about him really. Seeing how we hang talked in so long. It's was torture... But honestly just talking to him eased a lot of my stress I swear my skin started clearing up I wasn't breaking out or anything but like its clearer now. And I lost a couple pounds which is strange but awesome. And we speak anytime we see each other which is AMAZEBALLS. But valentine and Hacker decided I was being way too nice to him to which shadow had agreed so I don't exactly know what to do. I don't know what I'm doing currently at the moment I'm just happy I said something. But it's causing problems with them that I don't want. But I'm finally at peace with the whole thing and I kind of just want them to be happy with that. Oh and then there's JD who came to visit me and he also wants me back so I dunno I think I'm feeling kind of sexy right now... Am I allowed to say this? I don't care I deserve to say it. After all the hell JD put me through. I mean like he hit me and yelled at me and cursed me out and half ass broke up with me through Facebook and I still forgave him. But that doesn't mean I trust him. And shadow he...well you know his story and I STILL FORGAVE even him. Needless to say I'm in a good mood lets see how long it lasts.

I can't make this stuff up...

So that last post where again I was freaking out about shadow let me just start where I left off...I was talking about how I would go about approaching shadow...it's odd but I want to I. Just afraid and something is telling me to stop being a punk but I'm not sure. He's giving me some mixed signals between the tail gate and Instagram and band and not really looking or saying anything too me it all gets jumbled in my mind and at some points I'm like yeah man I can go talk to him right now no problem and then when I actually get the opportunity I freeze up and decide its best not to bother him. But at the end of that post I talk about having three classes with him... Well now it's four.... He switched into my absolute favorite class I have this year. Which was Liteerature and Cinema Honors and its a film adaptation class and its just perfect. He strolled in and I was just completely caught off guard. I was soo ready it was last period and I was amazed and excited to be in the class and then I was soo surprised it scared me. I overreacted yeah ill admit it. But I freak out easily don't judge me! So before we even start I ran to the little girls room and man I locked myself in that stall and just tried to center myself and focus. I knew he wasn't going to say anything too me it was just soo ironic that the day I write I can't believe I have three classes with him he ends up being in a fourth Valentine is convinced it's a sign and I need to talk to him in order to have a peaceful senior year. Otherwise all the emotion in me will just tear me apart. So I cried just a quick little tear droplet in the bathroom before I felt silly in embarrassed for crying over something so little that I made so big. And I came back to class and went right back into the I don't even see you mode... Which I know it's wrong but if I acknowledge he's there trust me some things would go down literally and in my mind. Fastfoward today I auditioned for the school play ( we are doing rehearsal for murder) and I'm not an actress at all never taken a real class or anything I was nervous as hell super scared I was shaking I even considered not even trying and of course who is there...? Shadow of course he is there for the audition too. And it's open auditions so that means everyone sees. Luckily I didn't have to go first or anything. He went and his monologue was about brothers and there inward and outward struggle in their household and it was appropriate and too the point he did a good job. Amd I was sort of hoping he would leave before I had to do my monologue because well he makes me a little nervous and shy. And plus I had written my monologue while other people were auditioning... I wrote it myself out in the hall way. And I didn't memorize it and again IM NOT EVEN AN ACTRESS... So of course I'm freaking out. I told them it was untitled but truthfully it was just something I made up.so they call my name and my heart is banging around in my chest of course he stays to see... And that makes me more nervous I get on stage luckily I remember how to walk up steps. I move the props around and set it up so I knock on a door and tell this man I need to talk to him and I tell him how I know he's heard all I have to say but I'm desperate for him to hear me. It was a nicely written monologue in my opinion for the amount of time I wrote it in. So I used my nerves to make it seem like I was just afraid to talk to the man I used my nervous shake for good! And I tried to look as teary eyed as possible until suddenly I wasn't faking anymore and it was all so real I felt like I was talking to a man who needed to hear me and I was in tears on stage infront of shadow who I couldn't see thank goodness. And I just read half of it before i practically ran off stage I just didn't read the entire thing. I am told that shadow had his head down at some points and he was leaning toward at others. I'm not sure what that means so I'm trying hard not to over analyze it. Valentine said it seemed to "move him" I guess that's a good sign...I think...I hope. Anyways I got a call yesterday from my work buddy ill call him Todd and he says I heard you were twerking at the tail gate and I kinda just laughed it off cause it was awkward. So he goes on to tell me in detail a conversation with shadow and his friend "bill" bill says to him "dude she was totally looking at you during the tailgate" to which I'm not sure his reply was and then he goes on to say "she was just showing you what you missed out on" and I guess he probably just to,d Jim to shut up. I don't think Todd lied to me well because he didnt even go to the tailgate and I did look at shadow while I was dancing. But in my defense I wasn't trying to tease him or make him feel bad it's just that when I dance I'm fearless I can look people in the eye anyone and I won't be intimidated. So I did. And it made me feel good to have that power for just a second like I made an effort to at least acknowledge his presence. Which may or may not have pissed him off. I just don't know really. How I should gauge his emotion and reaction any more I mean we haven't said or even looked at each other in two years I have no idea why kind of person he is now because I'm si he has changed. I just can't gauge where I fall on his level of hatred scale right now. I kinda wish he'd blog about it and I just knew everything instead if guessing it would be soo much easier i need a sign a clear sign that I can't approach him without worrying i might die because he just glares me down... Lord just give me a sign I swear ill say something... If he would just y something anything just a hi. A wave shit ill take any attempt at this point. I've got everything I think down on a public site that he can look at whenever he wants but I doubt he saved the UrL after we broke up. Which isn't a horrible thing because imagine he read every post... Wat he would think... Oh. My. God. He would be so creeped out I think or would it make him want to say something who knows... Man who knows this is the one situation I can't think my way out of. If I don't say anything and he doesn't ill graduate feeling that he is the only person to cu me off completely and never at least say I'm sorry. Even JD said sorry and JD did some fucked up shit to me. Ad I forgave him no problem. I just need a form of closure so I can not feel like a terrible person. Because honestly that's what's eating me alive is I made a mistake and I'm not sure i can fix it. And after this year I don't have the option to fix it at all... So bloggers what do I do? Tell me be honest comment your opinion email me if you want at lexilove2244@aol.com ill try to respond to everyone. And I'll answer all questions. Until I decide what to do I uses my blog will be filled with my melodramatic renditions of how hard it is to over think high school drama and relationships and how I feel like a terrible person. And wait back up let me tell you something crazy... Today in band I physically saw him speaking to his previous ex. Before me. The girl who broke him. Se had him by the balls I swear. The reason I spoke to him to help him and help him get closure. The girl he couldn't stand and didnt trust. Yah her. He spoke to her no problem today. And yeah I looked. I admit it but I was totally not expecting it. I was sure he hated her too. But I don't know what it is about her that drives all men to fall in love with her and never be able to stay mad at her but she must be blessed with something serious I swear man. I wish I could say I was jealous of her. But I wouldn't trade my life with hers if you paid me money. I'm ok with myself and my abilities even though I'm afraid of someone younger than me. And I can't look him in the eye. I still believe I have good intentions and somehow I can possibly fix this. I hold hope that I can make it right at some point and lift this load off my shoulders I just need a sign. A hello a hi a wave a blog something that can signify I have the green light to say something. And then I can deal with what to say and how to say it. And hold up rewind again tomorrow are readings for the play after school and then band so ill see him twice during school then twice after school and what if we both get cast. There's no avoiding him then....what do I do? Man I'm so lost and confused the drama of a high school girl. I can't wait to show this to my children and be like see I really was a teenager once everything your going through I already did seriously and here is the proof. They would probably be too busy with their iPhone 200 to read it but maybe it could help them somehow not make the mistakes I have. I'm proud to say I have good grades I maintain a somewhat healthy body I am still a virgin thank god and I seem to have a bright future ahead of me. And that's what I want for my children. I want them to be amazing at everything. Anyways I promise to post again freaking out about more pointless little things soon. And I can't wait to share with you the next little shadow story next time ill see him first thing tomorrow anyway so I'm sure something eventful is going to happen... I promise to tell you all about it. Wish me luck guys... And pray I get a role in this play!! And send me strength to get over this uphill battle I just want to put it too rest sooo bad... Thanks everyone for taking time to read my obnoxiously long posts that have no real plot or anything just drama about my life so until next post... -Blog ya later

Someone just shoot me

I can't do this. It's killing me. Valentine sort of went off on me yesterday about talking to my ex and I need to just get it over with now. So I don't have to hurt anymore. But nothing can help. I know that why because o woke out of my sleep last night trying to rationalize something to put together to even say but I can't. I can't even fathom how I would sit infront of him and look him in the eye. I got as far as convincing myself that I would simply do just that. I'd sit across from him and say this: " I need a big favor from you" and he would probably looK up shocked a little and nod yes I would tell him "please don't say anything to do anything just wait until I finish cause it took a lot for me to gather up the courage to say anything to you." I would proceed to say I am sorry for not treating you like a person because ever since we broke up I decided it would be easier to ignore you and pretend you weren't there until I graduate but I see I can't do that. I am tired of looking through you instead of at you. And it's becoming increasingly difficult to act like your not there and that I am ok with you in three of my classes. I'm tired and I can't act like you aren't there if you address the whole band. And if this is a problem where you feel like you would much rather act like I don't exist key me know now and I will change my schedule completely if I have to. I will switch out of math and study hall but I refuse to switch out of band because of you. I only have one year left and if I quit it won't be because I let you discourage my strength it will be because of myself. I'd tell him I know my mom went to his house after we broke up and although I have no idea what she said to you but I am sorry I didn't know she was going to do that and I wasn't even home when she did. I'm apologize but I just can't pretend anymore. You followed me on Instagram and it caught me off guard I know I read far too deeply into it and you probably just followed me because of whatever you thought about the tail gate but just so I don't over think that and make it something it isn't. So let me know what your willing to do and I'll adjust." Right there I would stop talking completely look at him for as long as it takes and wait for his response. If he even cared at all to respond. After about one minute if he doesn't respond I'd have to just leave. I'd be crushed but I would have to switch my schedule. But it would kill me. I like my schedule and I'd still have to see him for band. After all that I might just cry but I would at least know that it could never work out where we could at least be civil with each other.i know at least I made an effort. And I would be at peace. And I would never feel like we had unfinished business because it would be done. So when people come up to me and they have the need to tell me everything about shadows life. And I wonder if its lies and why they feel compelled to tell me. I've heard some crazy shit. Shit I really hope isn't true. I've heard gay stories and sex stories and love stories and trifling stories. I've heard the worst of the worst trust me. And now if someone comes up to me I can be like its none of my business and it doesn't concern me. But on the flip side he could be like yeah I'm tired too. And I would be very happy. Like ecstatic. And I don't know how really to go about not looking last him and acting like he isn't there. And wondering if he hates me. I don't know how to interact with him really anymore I haven't looked him in the eye since sophomore year. By I think I'd be just fine figuring out how I would go about learning how I could do that. I would have done it today but the teacher took the seat across from him... When I muster up the courage to say all that will be the day everything changes... Aright I'm done period about to end. Bye y'all!!! - Blog Ya Later!

Senior year

So well I'm a senior guys :) it's exciting and scary and beautiful. I've only been a senior for five days really and soooo much has happened already. You have no idea ill go back in my next post and go over my summer. Which was amazing and horrible and ill explain why. So in the very few days I've been a senior I've had scheduling issues and my work load has me scared I'm taking honors and AP classes. My ap psych class and intro to stat and call class scare me! I've already gotten homework. And then there's the band situation. I was really considering quitting for many reasons. I always get sick in band. I get anxiety. My flute buddy quit so lessons are going to kill me. The mid term. And we'll shadow. He wasn't the reason I wanted to quit technically. I just knew in my mind I could avoid the inevitable by switching out. There would be no more awkward glances and ignoring and overall no reminder I felt that we couldn't be in the same room for another year because at the time I really believed he hated everything about me. And having to be trapped in an 85 minute class wasn't helping me any seeing him like every other day. Let me remind you of my last boyfriend JD. Remember how I explained everything that happened. Well let me remind you. He broke up with me through Facebook once purposely to hurt me he said because he was angry but he took it back. He has hit me before. And oh during terpsys he started harassing me. He admitted to harassing me and only stopped when I cried. Mind you I'm not really the crying type. He had cut me off just as shadow had done and just as he promised he wouldn't and it hurt me. Yes I broke up with him officially but that's because he didnt treat me right. You don't hit a girl especially not one you love. So he cut me off but then he graduated so I didn't have to see him and I hadn't heard from him all summer. And I stopped worrying about it. And one day he just poked me on facebook randomly for no apparent reason. So I poked back and we were in like a poke war before I decided to stop being a punk and I texted him. I know your all thinking why didn't I just do that with shadow but I'm going to get to that trust me this is a very long story that took place over a few days. So I said to him are you just going to poke me or are you going to say hi. And he responded (rather fast) he told me he moved in with his sophmore in high school girlfriend and they live in Georgia... Which was startling. We talked and texted back and fourth for like three days before he dropped the bond. He said he missed me and he knows he screwed up but he still wants to be with me and a lot of stuff I just couldn't understand why. I cried. I cried for a long time not really knowing why. But it was because I needed it. I needed his apology because you couldn't believe the horrible things he said to me. But he was still living with his GIRLFRIEND in frigging Georgia which is very far from me. Fast forward a couple days. His girlfriend reoriented and refill owed me on Instagram and Facebook which I knew want she knew something and wasn't happy. I had nothing to hide though I didn't do anything to him. She asked me to show her our conversations. I asked if she was sure and so I did. She was very hurt and upset but appreciative that I was kind enough to even showed her. I know she hates me but in my conversations with JD I begged him not to hurt her and give up on her because I know what it feels like from him and other people. And I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. And she knew I had nothing to hide. It came to a point where she made a big mistake she broke up with him THROUGH TEXT MESSAGE. Wrong. He was out of the house anyway and she wanted to talk and he was no where to be found. It was crazy it came to a point where they were both texting me. I was telling him to go back home and helping her get him back. They ended up breaking up but it was on a very good note they still speak and they don't hate each other and well I don't think it would have been easy if I hadn't said anything. So right now JD is on a train on his way to New York and he wants to visit me. I'm afraid to see him. I don't know if I will hug him or hit him or both. I do not trust him at all. And so then it's our first game day yesterday right. That means we had our first pep rally and a tailgate (indoor cookout) and then I had to march for the game. So lets start at the beginning. The pep rally was amazing seniors painted their faces and screamed the loudest and we had confetti and it was amazing. Ad then there was the tail gate. Everything changed there. They used the same DJ as my party so the music was amazing but people (besides me) weren't really dancing. They were standing around and eating. So they decided to have a dance contest. I wanted to do it but I decided not to. Because I would have to go to band soon to prep for the game. But I had time still. Someone else signed me up. And I'm standing by the DJ shaking and nervous all scared they made us go one by one and I ended up going last. Keep in mind who ever one the contest wins $20. So everyone goes and he puts on a random song and they dance for like 25 seconds. It's my turn I move up onto the stage area. And I'm nervous and scared but he puts on body party by Ciara and I look up firstly cause its my song and secondly because shadow is right there in the audience and there was a moment where I just said fuck it and I started dancing. Mid performance everyone yelling and getting hype I couldn't help it. I walked over a bit looking shadow right in the face. And I don't know what made me do it. When I dance I am fearless and I surely wasn't afraid. And then I dropped right down into a split and everyone started screaming and it was scary. I snapped right out of my trance and I kind of got up and walked away from the audience as fast as possible. Needless to say I won the contest and the twenty bucks. But someone asked for me to go again which I hadn't heard. So I just thought we were doing a rematch it was just some horny guy. And he puts on dont drop that thun thun thun... And I'm nervous all over again and suddenly something clicked and I'm dancing I am fearless. And I walk over to the group of guys and I'm dancing and I wouldn't call it twerking but I was really moving lol I actually can't twerk but don't tell them that... So firstly someone poured water on me and I heard money too. And I turn around to face them and they are charging at me all of them full force like falling over chairs and slipping on. Water it was scary. I got the money and I ran out. It seemed all my confidence disappeared right then and there. It felt like everyone had heard what happened people were going insane everywhere I turned someone was talking about it. And I tried to escape to the bathroom and put on my marching uniform and who do I run into? None other than shadows mom. Mind you I love this woman she's amazing and funny and everything we still say hi and we are very cordial so she says to me I saw you dancing and i can't even speak I was so shaken I didn't even know she was there. I said oh goodness and thank you and ran back to the band room as fast as I could. Avoiding all people. I took out my flute and 30 minutes later I was marching for pre game. And no one could reach me. I was safe. Mid game we were down 6-7 it starts lightening. And I hate it. It really scares me. The game got postponed and I headed home. And more things happen. So there were videos of me dancing on Instagram people loved it which I appreciate and it's not like I haven't danced in public but no one really knows I can dance. So I have a billion people liking my pictures and following me randomly I posted the video myself too. I could hardly recognize myself I was so confident and it felt good. Of the billions of notifications and stuff I'm following everyone back right and I stop on one request in particular... Imagine my surprise to see that shadow had sent me a request. I flipped out honestly. I cried. Hard that's what my third time crying and I don't know what came over me I was shaking and crying and I couldn't think straight I kept thinking why today why now how did he find me what does this mean. He could give two shuts about me yesterday and now since I danced you follow me. Or is that coincidence? I have no idea I call valentine and he tells me to relax and he calms me down and he tells me I have to talk to him I just don't know how to. It's not easy. He just isn't approachable and he scares me terribly. And I'm afraid. Ok. I'm really afraid to and I admit it. When I catch him looking at me I swear I can't breathe or when I found out I had a class with him besides band. I couldn't breathe and I couldn't think. Everything was blurred together. I was happy and sad. I followed him back and it was like throwing salt on an old wound I swear. Everything just came back (not like it went anywhere). I looked at his pictures and I asked who is this person. And why am I freaking out. I stopped freaaking out and I became content. Meaning whether it was just because of the dancing or not it was at least an attempt and now I think it's my turn. And we'll today I switched my schedule around and I accidentally ended up in his study hall class. And I know he's probably thinking I'm stalking him now but it wasn't like that I didn't know he was here. How could I know?? So now I have him in three classes. And he's gonna get listed off or well he will ignore which I wish I could say I was okay with. But I can't look through him anymore it takes so much energy and it hurts a little each time. I know he doesn't spend anytime hurting over me and I know he doesn't care and I still feel so trapped why. Why is it we allow things to go on without just fixing it. So what am I to do? Do I let it go and continue ignoring him for the last of my senior year or do I suck it up. And if I decide to punk out...will he?? I wish. I just wish. People are starting to notice me typing now so I have to go and the class is almost over. I have to get out. So I can think straight so until later. -Blog ya later!

Random poems...

Poems I wrote in my phone... I just wanted to put them out there and see what happens... Don't judge me. When my face turns that familiar shade of death purple and suddenly the sky is closer than the ground, you are lost. When you pray and pray just let this headache go away. When suicide is the only answer the only release to ease the pain. It takes a lot not to feel the rain of your personal thunderstorm. Help me. I've fallen and I can't get up. I've fallen from grace and I can't find my way back. The darkness has enveloped me so I can't find the light. The light. I see the light it is close so close I know what it smells like. I ponder death so often I know what it tastes like and I feel it. I feel it coming over me sweeping me off my feet and taking me far away. Insomniac Eyes blood shot veins drained of soul. You lie there trying to make your ceiling as interesting as possible but you only find regret in the days past. Which are all blurring together and confusing time. You haven't slept in weeks. Your a mess and you should really pull yourself together. But not until you solve this final problem or at least rest it down and be at peace with it. Just a couple sips to warm my belly maybe one more to numb me. How about a cup so I can relax or two to make me forget?every memory every emotion is compromised by what used to and what could have been. Sleep is a precious luxury of the fortunate but sadly not a necessity of the poor. I am black... Not the color of my skin but the context of my Soul. And in that black darkness I shall find release. Hooray! For creepy dark poems lol you all know I have no idea how to write happy poems. Lol so I hope again I didn't scare you away... Love you all :) <3 -blog ya later!

Happy confusion?

So as you can see I'm blogging more regularly now :) which is always a good thing. No boy gonna stop me from writin... Anyways I just got home not to long ago. I went to go hang with moe again. By some place that has water AGAIN! He is a mermaid obviously he just doesn't know it yet. Of course we laughed and talked again watching the moon and seeing the thunderless lightning strike far away clouds. It was soo much fun. I love being by the water and going to these places I've never even seen and what not. He has taught me a lot actually some things about the male mind that I want to share with you all... So you know that guy you freaking out about right now. Wondering what he's doing and who he is doing it with and if he is thinking about you to. Leg me tell you this is ALL part of the plan! Males know that females respond quickly to jerks because we all feel that the bad boy is more exciting and that we can have a bad boy that's only good for us. When in actuality they really genuinely don't care. You sit up at night convincing yourself the feelings are mutual and he will call when he is ready when he isn't even thinking about you. To accomplish this jerky attitude a guy will pick out the traits he doesn't like about you such as an annoying laugh or strange hair and remember it and save it so he will not become too attached... It makes a lot of sense. Because yes we females find something or rather someone and love the crap out of it. Lets face it we get attached like a dog to its owner. Males have found a way to detach themselves emotionally and well you know the saying we all want what we can't have. Well it's more true than you realize. Because the more he pulls away the more you thrive for his attention and you give him a lot of power. Men like power obviously. So girls please hold on to your integrity kept your dignity and don't ever become too desperate and sprung over someone who has no time for you and the same goes for guys as well you know I can't leave me male readers out. And not all guys are like this but the majority and the guy or girl you have been thinking about since you started reading this is probably just like that... And your thinking maybe I have given them too much power over me. You should be in control. I am still a virgin and I am going to be a senior in high school. I haven't let anyone break me. And I am waiting for the right moment with someone I am sure if mature enough. I want it to be so even if it doesn't work out between me and whomever it is we can both be mature about it and still be friends and there are no hard feelings ya know. Like imagine how much of a wreck or how much more of a wreck I'd be if I had slept with shadow or JD or mr. Wisdom for that matter... I would be distraught... And broken and lost and sad. But most of all I would have given up all that I keep dear to me. I respect myself and my body and I wouldn't abuse myself in such a way I would regret in the morning. Have me writing black poems for an eternity no I don't think so. I'm really hopin I reached just one person with this post and I didn't scare off anyone with it. I'm just being honest like I'm very naivë and I know this but I mean knowing is half the battle right? I never pick up on the signs of people who have bad intentions until its too late. I won't even know someone likes me even if they say it repeatedly. Ill assume you mean as a friend. I just don't think someone can actually like me. I'm just all over the place and hard to keep up with. I'm fun but weird. I'm definitely not looking for a relationship right now because I need to find myself and love in myself before I can love another person. But I don't want that to stand in the way of like future relationships. I want to go into my next relationship completely sure of what I want. No questions no doubts no fear. And I will not be rushed into a relationship. I'm taking my sweet time about everything... And right now relationships scare me. I assume they all end in turmoil or worse based on my experiences and it gets so much worse than just a break up. I'm super cautious with my heart and my feeling and I'm in my own protective bubble where no one can reach me. Because I just can't find the strength to risk it all. A relationship means a commitment not that I have those issues because I'm not a cheater but as in I always think they are permanent until they aren't... And I hate losing the perfect friendship afterwards. Maybe I should like swear off men and. Become a lesbian..? Is that taking it too far? Maybe I shouldn't give up on men because I know there are good ones around me but I couldn't lose them... I couldn't bare losing anyone of the guys in my life. But who says they even like me like that right...? I never understand how a guy could talk to you for ten minutes and decide he likes you. Especially me and my eccentricities lol and I dunno I just never fully believe when someone says I like you alexia cause I feel like they only like what they have made me out to be in their head. But when I don't math up to the perfect image they have in their head its all over. I can't be perfectly everything anyone wants because that would just plain be creepy but you have to deal with me just being me. And all that comes with me. Whether I'm sick or always busy or not able to communicate well or dancing every second of every day being insecure or what ever the case maybe that person has to accept all of it and agree to work with me and I have to work with them... Or it doesn't work. To me kissing is like that leap of faith into the darkness that is another persons soul sewn to their lips which are pressed to yours and your tongues perform a mating dance and then bp decision day. Everything is different your either more in love (of lust) with that person or you regret kissing a friend and now it's all awkward... It's on big gamble and you never know what the cards will have In store for you. It's never as easy as it is in the movies and I'm a sucker for a good romance story but its polluted my mind into believing that's how it always works. And now I realize chivalry is dead. It crushes the whole image I have in my head about falling in love and relationships. It's sad I'm almost like if you have seen breakfast at Tiffany's the old movie with Audrey Hepburn (my idol) I'm just like her. If you don't know what I'm talking about you need to step away from my blog and hop on Netflix or whatever illegal movie viewing site you use and find it and watch it and love it. Before I go off on a totally boring and useless rant about love and relationships and old movies starting dead people... Oh wait I've already done that now haven't I? Drats!!! Alright anyway goodnight blog world -Blog ya later!

Back my popular demand!

So I'm sorry for not posting in so long everyone but you could imagine how the argument with JD went about me not posting anymore. Let me update you all. JD and I broke up. We were "friends for awhile" but then he like snapped and had a fit cursing me out and callin me pathetic and what not all of this while I was rehearsing for my Terpsys show mind you. It was stressful so you know my routine I cried a little then left rehearsal and played my flute in the stairwell all dramatically. Sounds sappy but I felt better so I went back got on stage and killed every dance. The show went amazingly it got a little confusing with all the costumes and what not though... I went on the Terpsys trip which was awesome we traveled down to Virginia to perform and stuff. Of course at the hotel there were people drinking and smoking and having sex all of which I had no part in. But one of the places we performed at was just so terribly ghetto. I couldn't handle it lol. What else has happened oh JD started Dating one of my friends... Yeah I know your all wondering how long I cried and if I yelled at him. But actually I laughed. I laughed so hard my stomach started to hurt. Why did I laugh? Well maybe it's cause I was thinking its impossible for this kind of stuff to keep happening to me or maybe it's because the girl and I weren't really close friends or the fact that she was a freshman and he was a senior. Or maybe because before her freshman year even ended JD Is her third boyfriend.. Or possibly cause all of his friends don't like her and he cut them all off. Or maybe it's because all of her exes texted me when they found out saying he made such a dumb mistake and he's gonna regret it and they called her horrible names which I thought was mean so I told them not to speak that way around me. Or maybe it's because he took her to his prom. Actually it's probably because since we broke up I'm not as stressed and in glad he found happiness in someone who obviously loves him full heartedly and can help him with his issues even if all his friends want nothing to do with him. They regularly tell me he's changed so much and he cut everyone off and he gained so mug weight and all he does is eat and sleep with her. I mean like wow. I can't be mad if he's doing what makes him happy. Actually i have nothing against him and I don't consider him an enemy I don't think anything bad of him. I worry more about shadow than I do him. I know your all like what the hell let it go... But I haven't so here's what makes the drama more interesting... He was talking about me recently. And he was telling all his friends that I was crazy and creepy and I was a mistake. I was ok with being crazy. I was slightly less ok with being called a creep. But then he called me a mistake. And all things tumble down hill. I'm completely beside myself upset and freaking out and sad and confused. It's all so ironic because the person that told me has a crush on me. Which is fine and yes I know for sure he didn't lie about it. The weird thing about it is everything about this guy lets call him the hacker reminds me of shadow... His height is the same he is in the band he is slightly younger than me his voice his personality they way he laughs and his computer smarts combined with how he speaks to me remind me oh to much of my infamous ex. I can't even deal with that though. Valentine though I've been talking to him often and he's really been the best person for me to talk to cause he practically knows the whole situation. Valentine by the way is my dancer friend. He told me he likes me also and sometimes I wonder what makes it so easy for people to like me then turn around and hurt me. And that's why I'm single and loving it. I'm staying boyfriend free until I can handle one and I feel so safe that I know who ever this person is even if it doesn't work out we can really still be cool and mature enough to still be friends. Omg how could I not tell you... I GOT A JOB! that's right your reading the posts of a working woman! Yeah I work as a pizza girl in an Italian restaurant. I'm still training and its still hard for me to get everything straight but I like working there even though every time the phone rings and I have to take an order i practically have an anxiety attack . But I think I'm doing a good job of hiding that from my co workers. Speaking of whom my co workers are amazing there's rob who is a bus boy and he is super focused at work unlike any other time which is funny especially seeing him at school but I can tell he has a great wok ethic. There's Chris and she is my trainer she's super cool but she makes me nervous cause I'm afraid to get something wrong or mess up. I hate being the new girl. But she's an awesome person and she's pretty funny I feel like there's more to her that I don't know yet and I hope we become closer as I continue to work there. Then there's Moe dollaz. He is really the homie I haven't known him long but he's super awesome nice and funny. He drove me home and that same day we went out at like 9pm and I didn't get back home until 3 in the morning. And let me tell you it was one of the most fun nights of my life. Firstly we went to some park I had never really seen all of and there was this lake and at night with the lights reflecting off the water and the toxic tadpoles you could practically hear the cliché comedie movie music playing. We say there taking and laughing for maybe an hour or two and not once was it awkward or boring. It was actually relaxing and refreshing to get to be away from the drama and with someone who barely knows anything about my drama and my struggles. Someone who can't judge me. It was amazing. Oh and he drives as in got his own car and everything! Which I think is cool. Then awhile later he gets this call and I hear someone on the other side of the phone say man hunt at the house now we are waitin for you. And I'm like hell yeah we are out. So we drive over to the house and there's two girls and a guy and I assume they will be playing man hunt when we get tree but it wasn't really the space for it there. So we all jam pack in moes car and huff it to a different park to play man hunt at like 10:30 at night lol me as dj in the car blasting music and driving fast we played like two rounds of man hunt and oh one of the girls tried to abandon ship... Out of a moving car. It was hilarious cause the. She just books it deep into the park and we drive off pretending to leave her. We get back only to find her hiding in a tree thinking she was camouflage thus starting the game of man hunt girls vs. boys. Awesome right?! But then it gets better! We all pack into the car again after being attacked by Mosquitos and laughing our hineys off to book it over to moes guy friends house he changes and gets some cash and we roll through the streets dodging cops and rapping to biggie smalls and speeding down the empty streets to end up at a 24 hour diner. And let me tell you the people who go to diners at 2 in the morning are hilarious. You know the people in the table by us were drunk when their waiter practically had to use sign language to get their orders. We all laughed and joked for a couple hours about kidnapping people and I didn't eat any food cause I wasn't hungry but it looked amazing I can't even front too bad I was no where near hungry. So I enjoyed listening to the stories of their crazy excursions and crackin jokes on the other guests. It was so much fun and then my mom called... My heart ached I was breathing all hard and in sure I started sweatin I pick up the phone and she's like "do you know what time it is" so of course me being a smart ass I look at my phone and tell her the actual time she's like "where are you" with the tired pissed mama voice and I'm like at a diner and she's like "we'll get home" *click* and she hangs up on me. So naturally I stay for like 15 more minutes and then I leave I get home and she's waiting on the step i don't get in any trouble probably because she was too tired but I could tell she had been worried... I hurry up to my room strip and put on pajamas and lay in the bed realizing I have to get up early the next morning for practice... Not only have I gotten a job but I am in 42nd street the musical at a local theater. Which should be a ton of fun but I have to figure out how to balance that and my new job. It's difficult because I have practice like everyday now and it will be difficult to not get fired for not being there...and then I'm like how will I balance this with school next year... And then I start freaking out right before bed about Terpsys and senior year and college applications and all this stuff that will make it impossible to work a normal schedule... I get nervous and I freak out and a few minutes later I'm knocked out and the next thing I remember is being rudely awakened by my alarm. And I got to rehearsal half asleep. And I can all I can think is that was one amazing night